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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

We argue because of neighbour

124 replies

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 08:06

Me and DH moved into our home about 4 years ago. Semi detached against an older gentleman. We have 2 teenagers. And a dog.
Everything was ok. Until about 2 years ago.
Countless letters through the post from the council about DD's music, our T.V too loud, I put the bin out too early. Oh and one letter was because our dog poo'd in our garden (we had a dog flap - we were at work when damn dog did the deed and didn't pick it up til next morning) I rang the council each time, desperate to sort it out as I am such a worrier and a pleaser.
Told DD no more music. We moved T.V so wasn't near him. We eventually rehomed the dog because he was relentless.
DH thinks I'm being to quiet. Thinks that we should be able to live and laugh and have music/T.V etc but I don't want to argue with neighbour. Or worse, keep getting these letters.
Now neighbour has bought some kind of fuel tank that sits on his front drive. DH saying it could explode or something could happen. It's in some kind of trailer type thing. People come a few times a week and fill up from it, and get it filled up.
He is some kind of fisherman. Goes out early about 4am (you can hear him loading his heavy chains in his truck! That's something that does get under my skin. His neighbour questioned him on why he didn't pack his van up the day before at a reasonable time, he said he could do it when he liked. About 5 meters of heavy chain being dumped into the back of a truck at 4am isn't fun listening to!)
Anyways, I'm constantly now arguing with DH because of the neighbour.
He wants to report this new fuel tank thing. Saying it's illegal/dangerous. But is it? And also, is this going to open up another hole between us. I'm happy to keep myself to myself. But yes, admittedly I want to move because of him.
I want to put my T.V up louder than 25 and let the kids have friends round or listen to the radio in the garden. But I don't like the possible outcomes if I do this.
So question - is the fuel tank illegal/dangerous and should we report it?
How quiet are you? Just in general at home?
Am I being silly?
I suffer with BPD too, so sometimes my mind can wonder away with me. Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 08:52

Yes. I rehomed the dog. To my BIL (Brother in Law)
Not to some chairty or just dumped. We see her as much as we probably did when she was here. As stated, I CAN NOT afford the fence price right now.
So what would I do? Let her constantly jump into his garden? Let her go over the fence again and again? Tie her up every time she went out there? She got walked a lot by myself and the kids. But with our jobs, she needed to go in the garden and had a dog flap installed. So she could come and go. We stopped the flap. She done her business in the house. The children would stand in the garden with her. Tell her to not do it. We were even thinking of getting one of them leads that you stab into the ground and connect her to that when shes out there. But then she would have to do that from 6am - 6pm. Which then wouldn't be humane.
Can never win in life and especially with wise MNers.

OP posts:

Nothisispatrick · 09/10/2018 08:54

Can’t believe you rehomed your dog! That’s so sad

Dodie66 · 09/10/2018 08:55

So if people are filling up,their trucks with the fuel it must be petrol or diesel which could be illegal. Report it

PoisonousSmurf · 09/10/2018 08:55

If the stuff in the bowser looks 'pink', then take a note of all the registrations that fill up and send to:

www.gov.uk/report-red-diesel-used-on-public-roads

Original poster

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 08:55

We know it's him. He is the only one who can see into our garden. Our other neighbours cannot. We are also really friendly with our other 2 neighbours. So couldn't see them doing it.
I've just called DH and said I posted on here. I get my back up when people scold me for something they don't actually understand. I try to explain the best I can but it is still difficult to write it all, remember it all and also not to drip feed.

OP posts:

adaline · 09/10/2018 08:56

I cannot believe you rehomed your dog for this! That's awful, I'm sorry but it is. You made a commitment to her and got rid of her because you have a grumpy neighbour, even though you knew she wasn't doing anything wrong?

Please don't get another pet.

And learn to stand up for yourself!

MaxDArnold · 09/10/2018 08:56

In all seriousness, the OP does need to have a MaxDArnold type of attitude towards this man. If I was on the receiving end of this man’s behaviour , I’d be looking to make his life a wee bit more difficult - Glad somebody gets it. And if you do make his life more difficult (and don't feel guilty, he started it!) it sends a message that you're not to
Be fucked with.

Autumnrocks · 09/10/2018 08:57

Oh I don't know. Leaving a dog for 12 hours is pretty bad. I hope the dog is in a more suitable home now.

As far as the neighbour is concerned, report. Your council is unusual in sending you countless letters about noise, so they'll surely be equally quick off the mark when you report the 4am noise and the possibly illegal fuel tank.

Padparadscha · 09/10/2018 08:58

Glad somebody gets it. And if you do make his life more difficult (and don't feel guilty, he started it!) it sends a message that you're not to
Be fucked with.

Calm down there, Jason Statham 😂.

Original poster

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 08:59

I will report it.
I will find out if the fence is my responsibility or his.
The fence would have been fine had his trees not fell/leaned on them. The trees were about 20 foot tall. He just cut them at the base after trimming them back. So they are slowly falling into my garden from the base. He didn't get to all of his trees as some as behind his greenhouse which is inaccessible. They are still growing wildly. I want to just cut the bloody trees and put a fence up. Whether its our job or not. As then I'm blocked away from him. He can't stare at us or sit and watch us etc.

OP posts:

BackToTheFuschia7 · 09/10/2018 08:59

Yeah, rehoming the dog wasn’t really fair on her. Don’t move her back again, besides if replacing the fence is unaffordable, how would you cover an unexpected vet bill?

Aside from that, if you’re just making normal household noise, you shouldn’t be tiptoeing around him. You must have an awareness of what that constitutes from visiting friends etc. If you can honestly say your noise is similar, just get on with your life and let him complain to the council all he wants. There won’t be any action taken against you if you’re doing nothing wrong. It’s definitely not fair for your teenagers to be missing out on having friends over.

Tahani · 09/10/2018 08:59

get some cheap fencing, or chicken wire or something and get your damned dog back!!

stop letting this arsehole dictate how you live, listen to your DH and live!

Jitters22 · 09/10/2018 09:00

Time to grow a backbone and stand up to this bully. You have your hubby and your kids, so it's not like you are on your own with this, so why you keep talking about 'I' rather than 'we' I'm not quite sure?

Report him for the noise and the fuel and if it starts off a tit for tit so what? As others have said, the council will investigate and nothing you have done thus far warrants his complaints. They are the noises of day to day life whereas rattling chains for an hour at 4am on a Sunday morning and gas tanks on trailers are not.

Your life will continue to be an utter misery (including arguments with your husband) unless you find a bit of courage from somewhere and stand up to this arsehole. Sounds like the other neighbours aren't too happy with his antics either, so why not get them on side?

Jitters22 · 09/10/2018 09:02

I get my back up when people scold me for something they don't actually understand.

So you get your back up when you get scolded on mumsnet, but when it comes to bully arsehole neighbours you'd rather appease, placate and live your life in compromise and fear?

adaline · 09/10/2018 09:03

Hang on a minute, you left your dog home alone for 12 hours a day?

That's disgusting. Never get another dog.

cantfindname · 09/10/2018 09:04

The fuel is most likely bio-diesel. It's not particularly flammable and won't explode, but no way should it be there and no way should he be selling it. I suggest you get photos of it and of other people filling up from the tank. If the council don't want to know then Customs and VAT will!

Stop being a doormat, this man is a bully and you are letting him act like this. You don't have to engage with him, just walk away and let your OH deal with him; bin council letter and ignore them and KEEP A DIARY of events, including the chain rattling. You can cut back any trees that overhang your boundary, if it damages them then it is his fault for not dealing with them adequately, I guess they are Leylandii?

For goodness sake give your children and yourself your lives back and stop tiptoeing around this obnoxious person.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 09/10/2018 09:04

You rehomed your dog to a family member. In the circumstances you did what you thought was right. Can’t blame you for that.

But your dh is right, you cannot allow this man to dictate how you live.

I had arsehole neighbours while living in a flat (on my own). I got letters from them on an almost daily basis - I once got 3 letters in one day. It was wearing. Luckily at the time I worked for a solicitor who wrote them a letter complaining of harassment. They stopped.

I think they saw me, as he now doubt sees you as an easy target. Start standing up for yourself & your family.

Original poster

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 09:06

Ok,
Yes. I rehomed the dog. To my BIL (Brother in Law)
Not to some chairty or just dumped. We see her as much as we probably did when she was here. As stated, I CAN NOT afford the fence price right now.
So what would I do? Let her constantly jump into his garden? Let her go over the fence again and again? Tie her up every time she went out there? She got walked a lot by myself and the kids. But with our jobs, she needed to go in the garden and had a dog flap installed. So she could come and go. We stopped the flap. She done her business in the house. The children would stand in the garden with her. Tell her to not do it. We were even thinking of getting one of them leads that you stab into the ground and connect her to that when shes out there. But then she would have to do that from 6am - 6pm. Which then wouldn't be humane.
So I'm just putting this back here. After this, I wont be feeding anymore MNers about the dog. I didn't want to tie my dog up for 12 hours a day. I didn't want her locked in all day. For 12 hours. She was happy with her dog flap. But I wasn't happy with her jumping to get into his garden all the time, what if she did and I wasn't around?
My kids couldn't handle that situation.
So she went to my DH brother It started with him having her when I worked. because I was being a good owner and not leaving her tied up/locked in for 12 hours and causing grief with our neighbour
So sometimes the BIL would have the dog over night if I was on a late one, if I was working away. Which then just fell into she was happy there, so we left her with him. He was happy. We was happy. The dog was happy. The neighbour hasn't complained.
Vet bills vs fence.... my fence doesn't accept insurance payments at £12.99 a month
Cannot put chicken wire up. The fence is BROKEN.
Oh maybe I should say aswell, our garden is 75ft long. 75ft of fence panels. 75ft of 20 ft high trees breaking fencing.
And I would say that there is a foot / foot and a half gap between each tree.

OP posts:

Padparadscha · 09/10/2018 09:06

adaline, yes, this is why I keep asking the op when the dog was rehomed and if things calmed after that (not had an answer yet). I do wonder if the poor thing was causing the neighbour more issues than stated here.

adaline · 09/10/2018 09:09

But you left her for 12 hours a day - that's awfully cruel to any dog on a daily basis. The dog flap is irrelevant.

How do you know she wasn't barking at him all day, or howling the house down? If she had free access to the garden, she was probably barking at him whenever he went outside - ours would given half the chance!

You can't get a dog and leave it home alone all day. I would complain if I knew someone was doing that, it's so unfair on the dog. They're pack animals and want to be with their humans. You don't get a dog and leave it home alone all the time!

Original poster

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 09:10

Jitters22
Maybe MNers bring out the worst in me.
Maybe I need to spend more time on here then I'd be able to deal with my neighbour and the devil himself
It feels great being a keyboard warrior (as my kids would say)
I can see what all the appeal is to a lot of you

OP posts:

thetemptationofchocolate · 09/10/2018 09:11

Re. the fuel tank...when we had a new heating oil tank put in our garden, we had to have a double-skinned one as our garden is too small to have the tank far enough from the house, to comply with regulations for a single skinned tank. So there ARE rules about them, and I doubt very much if your neighbour is complying with them. Definitely report that as it could be dangerous. Even if the fuel is not particularly flammable, if the tank springs a leak (which is what happened with our old tank), then fuel will be seeping out right by your houses and that is not good.

Original poster

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 09:12

Padparascha I thought I replied to you. I didn't realise when I jump from page to page my responses disappear.
Yes. The complaints about the dog stopped when the dog left.
The music complaint came through after.

OP posts:

Asterado · 09/10/2018 09:13

To be honest or doesn’t sound like you’ve got the ideal set up at home for a dog. As you now know, you really need a 6ft fence around your garden and it’s really not ideal to leave them 12 hours every day, no matter how often they’re walked.

I say this gently, as I think people get so easily misguided when it comes to owning a dog, it’s often not until they have problems that they realise what kind of home situation you really need to be fair to the animal and yourself and how much hard work it is. I’ve also had a bullying neighbour where my dog was concerned and it was horrible. I stood up to the neighbour and they retreated. I’ve since learned they’ve moved onto bullying a different dog owning neighbour

Original poster

OohShhh · 09/10/2018 09:14

Thank you everyone. I am going to report it. I will report him as well. Seeing as he was allowed to report us for random stuff. I can't stop this thread but I can log out now and not come back

OP posts:

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