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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a lock on the door?

104 replies

elfintraining · 09/10/2018 00:16

Back story as to not drip feed too much.

DP has a DC from previous relationship who is in high school.
DP has asked me to move in so hoping to make the transition just after xmas.

DP doesn't get home from work until around 7 and i work from home 2 days a week. If im working from home i usually leave the house at 5 and back around 8. You dont need to know why as its outing but the hours are relevant. If im in the office i usually get home around 7.
DP's DC walks home from school and usually has friends over until DP gets home so around 4.5 hours in the house unsupervised.

Onto my job - again i wont explain in detail what i do but i have lots of expensive devices (mobile phones, laptops, games consoles etc) and always the latest models) i use them on a daily basis for work, they dont leave the house other than may be twice a month when i take certain items to the office and bring them back home again.

Due to the expense of the items i lock the office door at home and also have a built in cupboard for the phones and smaller items which also gets locked.
My house is also alarmed which dials straight to the police.

Now DP and i were discussing on the weekend which room i would have as my office and i then mentioned i would need a lock on the door for when im not there. Absolutely not was the reply...
When i challenged this DP said he doesn't want his DC to feel like a room is "out of bounds" and shouldn't have to feel they are being banned from a room in their own home and also sounds like i dont trust his DC.

I said its absolutely not that i do not trust his DC and if he didn't have his friends over unsurprised it would be less of an issue but it still needs to be locked incase of a break in.

I dont know his DC's friends but what i do know is they are all obsessed with the latest phones and gadgets and a room full of brand new latest models is quite the temptation to resist for kids that age. One particular friend of DC apparently shop lifts on a regular basis and DP has banned him from the house but has still been seen leaving as my DP arrives home.

Even if they didnt take anything, if they should accidentally drop something or damage them ill get into trouble and will have to replace it. Secondly if anything is stolen that isn't a result of a break in i will get sacked due to very sensitive customer data on them.
Thirdly whilst it wont stop a determined burglar it will slow them down but DP says thats nonsense it takes seconds to kick a door in and its obvious that its going back to me not trusting his DC again.

DP knows all this but still insists i need to trust that his DC wont allow his mates in there but i am just not convinced that a group of teenagers wouldn't want to have a look.
Ive tried to compromise by asking for a lock on the cupboard but again im told no.

Am i being hugely unreasonable and untrusting?

OP posts:

redastherose · 09/10/2018 00:22

No you're not and I think moving in is off the cards unless he realises that you're not. His dc and friends absolutely would want to play with the latest tech and if he doesn't think so he's an idiot. How many kids parents have found belongings missing from light fingered friends and kids being pressured into allowing friends to 'just have a look'! Your work comes first and if he can't see that then his priorities are wrong. Would he let his dc and friends roam freely around his work place or office to do whatever that wanted? I bet the answer to that is a resounding no!

HeddaGarbled · 09/10/2018 00:24

Don’t move in.

Seriously. Regardless of this issue, which is concerning, you are taking such a risk moving into a man’s house without legal protection. He could kick you out without notice any time he liked and you would have no rights whatsoever.

Buy or rent a new home together with both your names on the deeds/rental agreement. Or stay in your own place.

user1492863869 · 09/10/2018 00:26

Surely you just need a fixed in position safe. A locked door won’t be much of a hindrance to a burglar, but a big hint of where to focus their search. They will just kick a door in unless it is reinforced which is probably as expensive as a safe. Most burglars won’t bother trying to open a reasonably secure safe. They are opportunists not Raffles.

seventhgonickname · 09/10/2018 00:30

If this is what you do security wise in your own home then why does you DP view it as trust rather than security.If your Dps child is trust worthy then a locked cupboard shouldn't be an issue as if he was told a cupboard was out of bounds he wouldn't know if it was locked unless he tried to open it.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 09/10/2018 00:30

Nope. Don't move in. This is your career being put in jeopardy if anything gets broken or goes missing.

Suggest getting a new place together where the DC wouldn't be "losing" access to a room as it would be a fresh start. If the answer is still no then I'd be reconsidering the future of the relationship.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 00:31

I wouldn't move in, then. You have the correct set-up at your current place. Why risk your job, and the inevitable fallout emotionally when it goes as you have predicted with the teens?

I assume you can't change your schedule - that would be the only other option.

But if I were you I wouldn't move in.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/10/2018 00:31

Don't move in. It's very obvious that he sees this house and his and his DCs home but not yours. You don't get to make decisions. This won't change, keep your own space.

Original poster

elfintraining · 09/10/2018 00:31

The problem is @user is i cant get everything into a safe. I can get some things in there obviously but for the larger items id need a safe the size of the cupboard and there's nowhere in the room to put one that size. And yes whilst it wouldn't stop a burglar at least i can quite confidently say to my employer i had a lock on the door rather than no everything was left in full view to a burglar/teenagers with no lock on the door...

OP posts:

AvoidingDM · 09/10/2018 00:31

I don't think it's unreasonable to lock the door either. The alternative is you rent office space nearby. That kind of stuff is going to be a teenager magnet. And its not just what the pals door in the house - its who they tell out the house "Oh I was at Bobs house, his step mum has the latest xxxx in a room upstairs" - all said to the local opportunist thief.

Remove the temptation!

AvoidingDM · 09/10/2018 00:33

Another option is some sort of lockable cabinets that keep it all away from tempted fingers.

GreyPJs · 09/10/2018 00:35

Of course you’re NBU! I would have thought a lock on the door would be part of your employee terms and conditions?

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/10/2018 00:36

I don't even think it's about the teens. It's about you being able to secure your things exactly as you do now. But you can't, because you don't get to choose.

AvoidingDM · 09/10/2018 00:36

That was meant to read "its not what the pals do in the house" not door.

SerenDippyEggs · 09/10/2018 00:39

YANBU! Echoing PP, do not move in! Just don't do it!

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/10/2018 00:41

Your oh is being ridiculous and precious. This has disaster written all over it. Stay where you are and don't entertain the thought of moving in.

Even besides you job, do you want a bunch of teenagers in your home so often when Daddy is afraid to upset diddums?? Fuck that, he knows your job would be on the line, he knows your existing set up, he is being awkward for the sake of being awkward and not showing any signs of giving a shit about you or showing you it will be your home too

HmmmWellAllRightyThen · 09/10/2018 00:42

And why does he think you have all your current security at your own home that I'm guessing his son rarely or never visits? Is that also due to your supposed mistrust of his son?

If he won't budge on this then don't move in. I can't help but think you have a really cool job and a man this blindly stubborn that's thinking with emotions instead of logic, isn't worth losing your job over.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/10/2018 00:43

Don’t move in. For two reasons:

You won’t be able to do your job safely. And you are not being respected or supported.

Original poster

elfintraining · 09/10/2018 00:44

I resisted the temptation to say i wont be moving in because he had me convinced that i was the unreasonable one and shutting out his DC from a room in the house that he never goes in anyway so im glad i checked here as that's exactly what ill be telling him.

I would never feel comfortable with it and i just know DP will allow me to have a lock on AFTER something gets nicked or broken which by then will be a non issue as ill get sacked!

OP posts:

user1492863869 · 09/10/2018 00:45

I am sure you could fit a good sized safe under a desk. Otherwise you have an intractable problem. You don’t trust the son and that is an issue for your DP. So compromise or don’t move in.

If you wanted to, you would both find a way. If you don’t you won’t. It’s hardly the biggest dilemma life will throw at you both.

BlackForestCake · 09/10/2018 00:48

I'm concerned that sensitive customer data is leaving the office.

Apart from that, this is the clincher argument. You could get sacked if anything goes missing, therefore you need a lock. Simple as that.

Rebecca36 · 09/10/2018 00:49

You're not at all unreasonable to want a lock, it's common sense to lock away valuable stuff and when young people are in and out of the house things get damaged.

I don't generally offer advice but I will say that moving in together could be difficult. Why can't you just stay in your own places and spend time together at either.

Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 00:50

It sounds like your man has guilt issues over the relationship with his son so he’s a door mat to be walked on by the teen and overcompensates-you’d be mad to move in if he won’t allow you to secure your work tools! I just do not understand parents who cannot be a parent vs a best friend-why is his son still having a friend over who he has been told isn’t welcome any more? Because he can do it without consequences.

TheMaddHugger · 09/10/2018 00:51

No Dear, you are not being unreasonable. But i am sure you are being 'Gaslit' into feeling like you are by your partner.
Stand your ground, Do NOT move in.
He's already gaslighting you/being unreasonable.

reconsider your relationship

(((Hugs)))

MixedMaritalArts · 09/10/2018 01:12

You cannot move in under these circumstances. You must ensure security for professional reasons. It’s not a whim, it’s an obligation to uphold others safety and security. Non negotiable I am afraid.

rjay123 · 09/10/2018 01:19

Surely it’s part of your working contract to allow you to work from home?

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