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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a lock on the door?

104 replies

elfintraining · 09/10/2018 00:16

Back story as to not drip feed too much.

DP has a DC from previous relationship who is in high school.
DP has asked me to move in so hoping to make the transition just after xmas.

DP doesn't get home from work until around 7 and i work from home 2 days a week. If im working from home i usually leave the house at 5 and back around 8. You dont need to know why as its outing but the hours are relevant. If im in the office i usually get home around 7.
DP's DC walks home from school and usually has friends over until DP gets home so around 4.5 hours in the house unsupervised.

Onto my job - again i wont explain in detail what i do but i have lots of expensive devices (mobile phones, laptops, games consoles etc) and always the latest models) i use them on a daily basis for work, they dont leave the house other than may be twice a month when i take certain items to the office and bring them back home again.

Due to the expense of the items i lock the office door at home and also have a built in cupboard for the phones and smaller items which also gets locked.
My house is also alarmed which dials straight to the police.

Now DP and i were discussing on the weekend which room i would have as my office and i then mentioned i would need a lock on the door for when im not there. Absolutely not was the reply...
When i challenged this DP said he doesn't want his DC to feel like a room is "out of bounds" and shouldn't have to feel they are being banned from a room in their own home and also sounds like i dont trust his DC.

I said its absolutely not that i do not trust his DC and if he didn't have his friends over unsurprised it would be less of an issue but it still needs to be locked incase of a break in.

I dont know his DC's friends but what i do know is they are all obsessed with the latest phones and gadgets and a room full of brand new latest models is quite the temptation to resist for kids that age. One particular friend of DC apparently shop lifts on a regular basis and DP has banned him from the house but has still been seen leaving as my DP arrives home.

Even if they didnt take anything, if they should accidentally drop something or damage them ill get into trouble and will have to replace it. Secondly if anything is stolen that isn't a result of a break in i will get sacked due to very sensitive customer data on them.
Thirdly whilst it wont stop a determined burglar it will slow them down but DP says thats nonsense it takes seconds to kick a door in and its obvious that its going back to me not trusting his DC again.

DP knows all this but still insists i need to trust that his DC wont allow his mates in there but i am just not convinced that a group of teenagers wouldn't want to have a look.
Ive tried to compromise by asking for a lock on the cupboard but again im told no.

Am i being hugely unreasonable and untrusting?

OP posts:

ohello · 09/10/2018 01:22

What everyone else has said. This guy has boundary issues. With his son, with his house, with your job, with your possessions, with you, with your ability to make reasonable decisions regarding all the above. And not only is he going to make his issue your issue, but he's also going to blame you for increasing his issue.

Up to you to decide how much of all that is worth continuing the relationship with this guy. For me it'd very much depend on the kid. Is the son going to graduate soon and move out of the house and get a good job and not move back? And is the guy going to insist that once the son is gone, then you STILL can't keep all this expensive gear locked up?

He's vvu. At minimum I wouldn't move in until after the kid has graduated, AND dp understands that locking up expensive gear is normal regardless of who is or isn't in the house.

Monty27 · 09/10/2018 01:24

You've already been handed out a rule, and you haven't even moved in yet?
I would be extremely wary. And sorry I haven't rtht but can I ask why you are moving in?

Jux · 09/10/2018 01:27

Don't move in. You are being made completely powerless. If he can't even give you a lock (YANNNBU) when it's so completely obvious that need one, then what else is he going to refuse you? It'll be his house and you won't even have a job and you'll have nothing, nothing.

Angharad07 · 09/10/2018 01:34

He won’t even let you have a locked cupboard or filing draws? My mum is a counsellor and she has sensitive files of paper work at home that is. required to be under lock and key for her job! Even when I was an undergraduate and conducted my own research study for my dissertation I was obliged to keep the data in a safe for confidentiality purposes! Can you explain this further to him?

AjasLipstick · 09/10/2018 01:40

id need a safe the size of the cupboard and there's nowhere in the room to put one that size

Why isn;'t there room? Make room. It's not hard. Get rid of something already in there.

Purpleartichoke · 09/10/2018 01:43

This is your big giant neon sign flashing “do not move in”.

Ginkypig · 09/10/2018 01:45

The point is it's not for him to forbid it though is it!

If you move in it's not his house anymore it's both of your home!

You both have a say.

Also his point is not even true, all your asking is that you replicate the setup you had at your house (which I assume his children didn't live at) at your new house. Therefore his children aren't even a factor in the request.

civicxx · 09/10/2018 02:02

100% do not move in. If you live alone & have everything locked up now how can he think it's a trust issue? Ridiculous.

BelfastBloke · 09/10/2018 02:04

Is it your office? Or is it his? You should clarify that to him.

Bahhhhhumbug · 09/10/2018 02:12

I moved in with my now DH whilst his teenage son still lived with him. We then bought a house together (stepson was then in early twenties). My DH had your dps attitude, God forbid his precious snowflake was exen deterred from entering our bedroom. One night he had friends round and (then) dps expensive phone went missing from plain view on coffee table. Police were involved, but never solved. I insisted then on having a lock on our bedroom door, dp refused for same reasons as yours so l said OK then but SS can no longer have mates round unless we are in. He reluctantly put a lock on our bedroom door and till he moved out l always kept all my valuables in there when we went out.

MrsCrabbyTree · 09/10/2018 02:37

His son's wishes will always trump your NEEDS and wishes unless his attitude does a 180. Things are not looking positive towards a harmonious life together. Proceed with caution OP.

QOD · 09/10/2018 04:18

I just wanna know what job!

penisbeakers · 09/10/2018 04:38

Another HELL NO to your moving in.

Clandestino · 09/10/2018 04:44

YAVVVVVVVNBU
Don't let him manipulate into thinking you are. You also use words such as "he will allow me". Is he your father or are you equal partners?
Reconsider cohabiting and evdn your relationship. He doesn't consider you equal and doesn't respect you.

wombat1a · 09/10/2018 05:16

50/50, to have a home office and lock the door is OTT, to have a home office and to have a lockable cabinet is R.

Alternative is to rent office space elsewhere.

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/10/2018 05:17

Your DP's reasoning is lousy, if it were just about not trusting his DS you wouldn't have a lock on your own office door or put things in a locked cupboard in your own house, but you do. You are merely trying to replicate the same level f security you already have in place. Your DP is BVU. Just a side thought, is he perhaps a bit miffed that he doesn't get to play with some of the gadgets himself?

mathanxiety · 09/10/2018 05:36

YANBU.

Do not move in. In fact, reconsider the relationship.

He has made it clear where you stand.

There are all sorts of big red flags here.

lostvoice · 09/10/2018 05:49

My parents often had the takings for their business at home for a few days, they had it in a locked cabinet in a locked office.

if they were at home it was generally unlocked, if not always locked.
We understood why and if it ever got forgotten my brother and I would lock and hide the key if our friends were round.

Don't buy his reasoning tbh

AnniEAnonIMouse · 09/10/2018 06:02

Why are you considering moving in with a man who has less cognative ability than a 3 year old? I just couldn’t maintain a relationship with someone so lacking.

Secondly, irrespective of what the issue actually is, he’s already shown you that will never be YOUR home. THIS is THEIR home which he has invited you to live in - as a guest basically.

He’s already demonstrated he’s as thick as two short planks (so actually I’d be dumping him), but if you’re ok with that and still want to be with him, NEVER move into HIS house. Keep your own for now and if you really can’t bear to live apart, then only move when you can start with a new place together.

It’s not just about the obvious need you have to recreate the security you have at your own house, even if he said ‘You’re right, I’ll get locks put on the doors’ it’s too late, he's shown you HE will always be in ‘my house’ mode.

Plus, there’s no way I’d want to live in a house that was full of random teenagers I don’t know and as his son and his mates are there a lot when he’s not home, I’d feel I was imposing by being there. I’d understand his son’s resentment of me being there.

I hope you’re listening to people saying this, because you’re in for a miserable time if not.

steff13 · 09/10/2018 06:03

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I wouldn't move in.

However, if there's room for a cabinet in the room, would a large gun safe work? They are usually waterproof and fireproof, and of course they lock securely.

ButchyRestingFace · 09/10/2018 06:05

Entirely reasonable on your part, entirely unreasonable on his. Don’t move in.

Your partner has shown what a prat he is before you moved in - you’re luckier than many on this site.

Nightwatch999 · 09/10/2018 06:06

Sounds like your a streamer lol! And I think YABU, this is his DC house before you moved in. Sorry OP but you need to build their trust up really.

EdisonLightBulb · 09/10/2018 06:08

I was also going to mention a gun safe, we have one but it's only for one gun so tall and thin, some are much larger though. We lock all valuables up in it and take the keys with us.

EvaPerron · 09/10/2018 06:10

I really, really wouldn't be moving in under these circumstances. Not just because of the risk to your work equipment but because he's making it clear that it's his and dc's house and you are moving in on their terms. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with that.

redexpat · 09/10/2018 06:12

Small point but if you have customer data on devices dont the need to be locked away to comply with the new data protection law?

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