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Original poster

To want a lock on the door?

104 replies

elfintraining · 09/10/2018 00:16

Back story as to not drip feed too much.

DP has a DC from previous relationship who is in high school.
DP has asked me to move in so hoping to make the transition just after xmas.

DP doesn't get home from work until around 7 and i work from home 2 days a week. If im working from home i usually leave the house at 5 and back around 8. You dont need to know why as its outing but the hours are relevant. If im in the office i usually get home around 7.
DP's DC walks home from school and usually has friends over until DP gets home so around 4.5 hours in the house unsupervised.

Onto my job - again i wont explain in detail what i do but i have lots of expensive devices (mobile phones, laptops, games consoles etc) and always the latest models) i use them on a daily basis for work, they dont leave the house other than may be twice a month when i take certain items to the office and bring them back home again.

Due to the expense of the items i lock the office door at home and also have a built in cupboard for the phones and smaller items which also gets locked.
My house is also alarmed which dials straight to the police.

Now DP and i were discussing on the weekend which room i would have as my office and i then mentioned i would need a lock on the door for when im not there. Absolutely not was the reply...
When i challenged this DP said he doesn't want his DC to feel like a room is "out of bounds" and shouldn't have to feel they are being banned from a room in their own home and also sounds like i dont trust his DC.

I said its absolutely not that i do not trust his DC and if he didn't have his friends over unsurprised it would be less of an issue but it still needs to be locked incase of a break in.

I dont know his DC's friends but what i do know is they are all obsessed with the latest phones and gadgets and a room full of brand new latest models is quite the temptation to resist for kids that age. One particular friend of DC apparently shop lifts on a regular basis and DP has banned him from the house but has still been seen leaving as my DP arrives home.

Even if they didnt take anything, if they should accidentally drop something or damage them ill get into trouble and will have to replace it. Secondly if anything is stolen that isn't a result of a break in i will get sacked due to very sensitive customer data on them.
Thirdly whilst it wont stop a determined burglar it will slow them down but DP says thats nonsense it takes seconds to kick a door in and its obvious that its going back to me not trusting his DC again.

DP knows all this but still insists i need to trust that his DC wont allow his mates in there but i am just not convinced that a group of teenagers wouldn't want to have a look.
Ive tried to compromise by asking for a lock on the cupboard but again im told no.

Am i being hugely unreasonable and untrusting?

OP posts:
redexpat · 09/10/2018 06:13

I cant believe he is risking your livelihood to protect his son's feelings.

Biancadelriosback · 09/10/2018 06:14

Point out that you'd be moving in as a partner and therefore equal, meaning you get to make these decisions too. If he doesn't see this its quite telling and I'd avoid moving in

flumpybear · 09/10/2018 06:15

Locked doors are awful for others IMO and also sacked ... seriously? Your company sound awful if that's their attitude to 1 breakage

Sounds like you need to either reconsider or get a lockable cupboard - a door would literally have no barrier to a burglar, donuts to keeep the kids out which I get but where do you stop? Bedroom? Your wardrobe? There will be loads of areas you don't want them having access to ...I'd really consider waiting a few years

flumpybear · 09/10/2018 06:16

Do nothing .... not donuts 👀🙄

Faithless12 · 09/10/2018 06:23

@nightwatch and @flumpybear it’s not about not trusting the DC as she does it at her current home.
I wouldn’t move in. Although if you have sensitive customer data they should be better protected than on devices which are in someone’s home with little security. They should be encrypted at the very least.

eddielizzard · 09/10/2018 06:33

I wouldn't move in either.

cloudyweewee · 09/10/2018 06:38

I just know DP will allow me to have a lock on AFTER something gets broken or nicked

He'll 'allow' you? Hmm

strawberrisc · 09/10/2018 06:42

I wondered how long it would be until someone incorrectly referred to gaslighting. He may be unreasonable for not allowing a lock on the door but he’s hardly making you doubt your own sanity.

However, it just goes to show it will always be HIS house and not yours.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 09/10/2018 06:45

I think you can't move in - not you choose not to, but you actually can't. GDPR. Etc. And I can't see any professional indemnity insurance paying out in this sort of situation.

cloudyweewee · 09/10/2018 06:45

Which post referred to gaslighting?

OliviaStabler · 09/10/2018 06:47

His words already tell you how it is going to be. 'Absolutely not' is the words of a man talking about his own home, clearly he hasn't fathomed that it will be your home too so you get a say.

Don't move in.

EndeavourVoyage · 09/10/2018 06:51

Can you not rent an office space nearby for when you work from ‘home’ that way you will solve the problem.

GaraMedouar · 09/10/2018 06:55

I only read ' he will 'allow' me' - that jumped out at me. There should be no 'allowing' going on. Can you get a large office type filing cabinet? would that not fit in? I would say don't move in otherwise. Either you lock the door or you won't be moving in.

What is he like on other decisions?

TheSerenDipitY · 09/10/2018 06:59

if you have a home office and you work on confidential files or prototypes etc i dont think i could move in to his home either, you have to be able to lock the office and lock the prototypes away when you leave the office and id imagine thats part of your employment contract, he is being very unreasonable!!! dont do it

Ceilingrose · 09/10/2018 07:07

You wouldn't be entering his home as a co-decision maker, so don't do it. More trouble would likely result, which no one needs.

TeaForDad · 09/10/2018 07:07

As people have said, it didn't sound like you're very equal partners here.

If you definitely all wanted to move in I'd rally to his son direct. Tell him that you'll be using this room as an office which needs to be locked and sometimes he can see some cool gear.
If you don't trust them enough to tell him then you'll have a bad time living there :(

TeaForDad · 09/10/2018 07:07

Talk not rally

strawberrisc · 09/10/2018 07:10

@cloudyweewee

TheMadHugger

No Dear, you are not being unreasonable. But i am sure you are being 'Gaslit' into feeling like you are by your partner.
Stand your ground, Do NOT move in.
He's already gaslighting you/being unreasonable.

reconsider your relationship

(((Hugs))) gin

Justletmego · 09/10/2018 07:14

My father had the same situation with expensive equipment. He locked his room but honestly it did feel very odd living with a room with a lock, I think it would have been better to trust us and lock the door if we couldn’t be trusted than to put a lock up assuming we couldn’t.

Having a little locked area in a room, fine but a whole room locked off felt very different.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 07:25

So he's making it clear it's his house isn't he. Not yours. And you need to ask his permission. And his kids are more important than you.

Don't move in. He's set his stall out and told you it's his house his rules. You just get to stay there and abide by them. Not an equal partner.

RyderWhiteSwan · 09/10/2018 07:26

I wouldn't move in under those circumstances. He does not consider you an equal. You would be a lodger with little or no say in the household arrangements.

Gersemi · 09/10/2018 07:32

Backtracking a bit, I don't understand the working from home arrangement. You say that when you're working from home you leave at 5 and get back at 8. Is that 5 a.m. or p.m.? Either way, do you really want to be trying to work when there are a load of teenagers in the house?

LakieLady · 09/10/2018 07:36

to have a home office and lock the door is OTT

I disagree. If it is your workplace, rather than a "home office", and you keep confidential/commercially sensitive information and/or expensive equipment in there, I think it's entirely reasonable to keep the room locked when you're not home.

I don't have any expensive kit, but I do have to carry confidential information around with me. Company policy is that it must be locked away and out of sight, and if it's in a car it must be locked in a boot or luggage space and concealed from view. Breaching this is deemed gross misconduct.

My friend very nearly ended up on a disciplinary when her son had some "friends" round while they were away overnight, and one of them ransacked her bedroom (took all her jewellery, a couple of expensive watches, cameras, iPads, laptops). Luckily, she could show that the bolt on one of the bedroom doors had been forced, so she didn't get fired.

GeorgeTheHippo · 09/10/2018 07:40

NOT locking the door is sheer idiocy. And I agree with everyone else about your partner.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 09/10/2018 07:47

Gersemi I interpreted it as she leaves at 5pm after a day working at home, goes to the gym or something and is back at 8pm. I.e. a time when the son is around with his mates.

You have a set up in your current home which works for your job. Your 'partner' should be able to understand that you need the same in any other home you move to. The DS is a bit of a red herring here (even if he is a liability). He is seeing his son as problem when it is really about being able to maintain the current level of security.

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