... to be sad at the way Christmas seems to have changed?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I was brought up to view Christmas as a magical time, but a time above all for giving. Getting together as a family (grandparents cousins, aunts, uncles) because it's one of the few times that the family does get together. Making sure no-one is left out. Learning to enjoy yourself and have a happy time with others even if your home is full of relatives, or you spent an hour on Christmas morning travelling to other relatives who don't make the bread sauce and brandy butter quite as well as your mother.

Nowadays on MN "family" means "me, DH, DC" and Christmas is all about receiving and not giving. "You have a right to spend Christmas in your own home". Everything centres around making it perfect for the children, without any thought of modelling for them the qualities of thinking about other people.

AIBU in thinking this not only makes life more unpleasant for older relatives who are excluded or barely tolerated, but that it also bodes ill for the future, in moving society more towards "it's all about me" and less about taking responsibility as a society for the welfare of all its members?

OP if you wish your christmases were same as the old days then the onus is very much on you to recreate that yourself for your family and your friends.

What leads you to think they are not? The main difference is that for the last 30 years we have been the hosts for the generation above and the generation below (and before anybody comments, that's by their wish and without lengthy travel - all I need is to know in good time who will be there for the meal). My question wasn't "Why don't my family do what I want at Christmas?"

I wonder if a rose tinted view of holidays as a child has a different perspective if you ask the adult making that happen for the child.
I am in my fifties and can easily see lovely happy Christmases as I remember them as a kid in the 70s.
But I know they were not quite that for my parents.

Because I wasnt running around serving drinks, preparing dinner, serving up, washing up, more drinks followed by a tea time buffet, more drinks. Followed by my taxi service to take them all home. It's hard work, I missed out watching the kids open and playing with their presents and I can't have a drink! Time is so precious as my husband is always working shifts. So I genuinely don't feel bad for not including extended family for Xmas day. Love that I can drink bucks fizz for breakfast, while watching the kids open prezzies and play, in my pjs. Dinners ready when ever it's ready, and if we're still stuffed then its just a sausage roll, and a few chocs for tea!

Here here. I've had enough too.

Ha OP is just falling into the trap of thinking that her childhood christmases are "right" and everyone else's "wrong"

Totally agree with the huge burden on the hosts (often heaviest on the mum) of creating this perfect jolly "no one must be left out ever" family Christmas. Agree with Ali's repost entirely most women work now and dont want to run themselves ragged so retired aunty Jean has the optimum time possible.

I had massive idyllic family Christmases as a kid which we loved but speaking to my parents about this recently they had a different take! Behind the scenes it was really hard work they remember having massive whispered rows in the kitchen as they slaved away (they rarely row) as all the relatives having a marvellous time in the next room.

Oh and I am not an indulgent soppy mum but Christmas is for kids. They believe in the magic so for me kids between say 3-10 prioritised. Aunty Jean has had her turn of being a kid at Christmas.

Christmas is not 'for kids'. It is for everyone. That is like the excuse some people use when they want preferential treatment re time off work, year after year.

One of the "wins" for me in my marriage is that DH cooks Christmas dinner. He did it the first year we were married because I'd only just had DS1 a few weeks previously, and then it became "his job" because I do every other thing necessary - present buying, wrapping, tree decorating, house decorating, food buying - him cooking dinner is his only contribution. Oh, and buying the fowl if we have a goose (I get it if it's turkey). Evens out the stress/pressure on the day!

Its for everyone but children are most important. Your childhood christmases stay with you for life. Look at OP! Still idolising her childhood Christmases, as do most people from reasonably happy backgrounds.

If you have little kids they trump teens and adults. Only a few years when that magic is real.

To you, Kerala your children are 'most important' at Christmas.

But it is not a general and widely agreed view, but you seem to be stating it as if it is. For instance, would you insist on parents of young children getting first preference for time off work over Christmas regardless of anyone else's wishes or needs. Or would you accept that wouldn't be fair because not everyone defines Christmas the way you do?

Not "my" children. All children.

Remember how you felt about Christmas when you were 6? And how you feel about it at 36? Totally different. I think parents of under 10s should get priority yes. I thought that before I had kids when I was single and now my kids are older I would like parents with younger children to have priority over my family.

My kids are abit older now and as a family we are prioritising my sisters under 6s. Not changing my mind on this one.

Kerala My best christmas was not as a kid - and I loved christmas, but my last christmas with a good friend before she died young. She had terminal cancer. That was a very special christmas.

There is something special about Christmas with young children. Fgs not a hard and fast rule but surprised this is controversial view

Yes, Christmas with children is special Kerala. But so is Christmas with relatives you only see once a year. Or for families who have travelled from abroad to all be 'home' for Christmas.

There are many reasons why Christmas is special, and to limit it to the few years when there are young children around is up to you if that's what you want, but don't impose that on other people.

We spent Christmas at home because Mum's family had their big Christmas bash on Boxing Day and Dad's family lived 400 miles away. Living in Canada the weather was often poor so driving 400 miles with 6 young children wasn't the safest idea for Christmas. Hubby is high-functioning autistic and doesn't do well with large crowds, so we usually visit my parents at some point over Christmas but don't go to Mum's family's big party. (There are 10 adult children plus their spouses, 43 grandchildren, and some of those grandchildren are married and have kids of their own. Now, not everyone is able to come due to distance, but it still makes for a huge crowd. Hubby can't handle that and it makes ME tired.) Besides which, as a nurse, there have been years I haven't been able to have Christmas off. Not an issue now as I teach, but Hubby works as a security guard and doesn't always get Christmas off either.

Kerala There have been many threads on MN about this, and yes, it is a very controversial view.

It's also a very exclusive view, particularly for those who don't have children, and will never have grandchildren to look forward to.
"Well, Christmas isn't really about your or your family situation. So just take a back seat to all those families with young children and grandchildren, please".

How am I imposing my view?! Never met anyone who thinks differently tbh. Must one of those mumsnet anomalies

Kerala If you said that to me in real life, I would just agree. People on MN are more honest.

If you argue that people with young children are more entitled to Christmas off in your workplace you are imposing your view.

I also find it hard to believe that you've never met anyone who thinks differently from you. Maybe you just assume they all agree with you.

I tend to find disagreeing in real life about issues to do with someone's kids, if it does not directly affect me, are not worth the hassle. Especially if the views are presented in a way that assumes everyone thinks this way.
But as an adult I enjoy Christmas and think my Christmas is important.

Look at OP! Still idolising her childhood Christmases No, not really. I can see why my OP gave that impression. I'm looking back on a whole succession of Christmases, childhood, teenage, young adult, young adult with partner, with small children, with teenage children, with adult children. Not yet done it with grandchildren.

It would be lovely to have a quiet Christmas with DH; but that wish doesn't, for us, over-ride the importance of making sure our family members (parents, adult children - we don't have siblings) are welcome and included at Christmas.

Nope. Christmas is about me and my immediate family spending time together. We deserve it and it's an absolute magical time.

Everyone has something to give and something to receive to and from each other.

I wouldn't sacrifice this lovely day together to please other people.

Mehhh. I had insular Christmas as a child. Boring and repetitive.

I’m a single parent with no parents of my own. My eldest two have one year with me and one year with ExDP; toddler is with me all the time as EXH not around.

This year big two are at Ex’s so me and toddler are going to stay with friends.

My Grandparents are around but I’m not able to get there, distance and I don’t drive, but my Uncle and his D.C. will be there this year.

I try to do something different every year because otherwise I get upset at the lack of family I have.

I get you, but I fall in the spending Christmas at home camp too. Everyone is welcome at my house (really!!! Although I am aware the ones I'm less keen to see refuse to leave their home on Christmas Day, save for the pub). I have 3 kids, some of whom may need a sleep. Carting them around the country to spend a day in a house which isn't young child friendly, at the mercy of another's catering ideas (my kids cannot wait until 3pm for lunch - that's closer to tea time) isn't ideal. On the other hand, I shall prepare plenty food, supply plenty liquid refreshments and welcome anyone who would like our company. Boxing Day is the day I will drive around, but after the big man has delivered the gifts here, that's where I'll be with my kids. I do offer to collect and return relatives here and am happy to do so.

I actually think the older I get the more inclusive Christmas becomes

The staff party
The girlfriends out for lunch
Christmas Eve drinks
Teens party at home
Boxing Day familly meal

It's a continual round of meetings - plus we have xmas at home with just kids - that's what we chose when we've spent weeks with others

I was thinking about starting a similar thread Ive been watching Classic Eastenders on the Drama channel and they have just hit Christmas 1985

Which brought back loads of memories.

I remember getting up for school while it was still dark and the first thing i saw when i woke up was the poster for Santa Claus The Movie ( the one with Dudley Moore in it) which was on my bedroom wall on the left side of my bed.

Those twisty bright paper chains. My dad was good at doing them. Dont really see this done much anymore.

The bright paper that people used to do them used to come in a roll.

The Christmas TV listings from 1985

ukchristmastv.weebly.com/bbc-1985.html

I remember what i was doing that 21st Dec We had some family friends over and my dad was going to give them a lift home but the car wouldnt start and we had to push start it.

And i remember watching the Edge of Darkness repeat with my dad that evening. And him explaining radiation poisoning to me.

I finally watched it in its entirity on you tube a few years ago.

Just found this article and the covers of the Christmas Radio Times and TV Times for 1985

www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2015/dec/22/lovely-jubbly-what-the-christmas-1985-radio-times-tells-us-about-thatchers-britain

Advent calandars covered in glitter which would get everywhere when you opened the door each day which would reveal a picture not a gift.