... to be sad at the way Christmas seems to have changed?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I was brought up to view Christmas as a magical time, but a time above all for giving. Getting together as a family (grandparents cousins, aunts, uncles) because it's one of the few times that the family does get together. Making sure no-one is left out. Learning to enjoy yourself and have a happy time with others even if your home is full of relatives, or you spent an hour on Christmas morning travelling to other relatives who don't make the bread sauce and brandy butter quite as well as your mother.

Nowadays on MN "family" means "me, DH, DC" and Christmas is all about receiving and not giving. "You have a right to spend Christmas in your own home". Everything centres around making it perfect for the children, without any thought of modelling for them the qualities of thinking about other people.

AIBU in thinking this not only makes life more unpleasant for older relatives who are excluded or barely tolerated, but that it also bodes ill for the future, in moving society more towards "it's all about me" and less about taking responsibility as a society for the welfare of all its members?

Growing up, our Christmases were spent at home with DM, DF and DSiblings. Paternal Grandparents came for dinner, every year. Then we went to Maternal Grandparents for tea every year. No one was left out, Teatime was a huge family gathering.

Now, I don't have have grandparents alive. My DH grandparents live 4 hours away and the ones who live in this area are away at Christmas anyway. Our Christmas day is spent at home, we have lunch at home after opening presents, we then watch a Christmas film and off we pop to the in laws where we meet up with DH's sibling and her family, then to my parents house where my siblings all gather with their children.

I drive, DH doesn't - so I have to do the driving (although this isn't an issue as such, as until 5 years ago, we spent many a Christmas Day walking 4 miles to the in-laws and my families houses from ours - they live 2 streets away from each other but we live in a different town - often in the snow/ice with a pram laden with Christmas gifts as taxis were scarce. That aside, no-one ever thought of visiting us on Christmas Day at our house, and no-one thought about us being left out whilst they all got themselves merry .....

My parents would not agree with you OP. My mother has fucked off abroad for Christmas (I'm not invited) since I was 14. My father and stepmother say Christmas is 'their time'. Again, I'm not invited.
"it's all about me" is nothing new.

FaFoutis that’s is so horrible for you!, were did you spend Christmas from age 14 ? I hope your had nice grandparents or lovely aunties & uncles.

YABU

Christmas is absolutely about children most of all (unless of course you’re Christian - in which case it has a greater religious significance).

Why shouldn’t hard working parents prioritise spending quality time with their immediate family on Christmas Day? Why shouldn’t children be allowed to enjoy the magic of the day?

As another poster said, most families have two working parents now and children in childcare. Of course they should be allowed to spend Christmas Day in their own home of all days.

Christmas is absolutely about children most of all

So for people who don’t have children, it should mean nothing??

Christmas is for EVERYONE. It’s not exclusive to just children.

When I was a kid, Christmas was spent at the local Ambulance station, in the womens changing room, laying on the huge beanbag mum had bought, with my Speak and Spell and sack of chocolate coins and chocolate orange and mini Neopolitan chocs (ooh they were lovely lol) My Dad and his mates trying to cook a Turkey in the canteen but being on call so it was usually dry as a husk!
The, shooting round to his Mums house that evening, which we hated, as our Nan had seven kids, my dad being the middle, the house was small, the Aunties and one Uncle were miserable arseholes, the cousins were all loads older and me and my brother would spend Christmas in our Nans hallway, listening to them watching Bullseye and Cliff Richard in Concert, while we sat and finished the rest of our chocolate, bored to tears.

Now, I am Queen! My four kids get to enjoy waking up early, playing with their toys, eating cinnamon toast, and relaxing and enjoying being together! No sadness here! Christmas is epic! lol x

I went to my boyfriend's house for Christmas day, but otherwise stayed on my own. Thanks for the outrage on my behalf Nana, I didn't realise how bad it was at the time, and probably still don't.

"It's only 2 days"

Apart for the poor fuckers who work at places like Next Their Chistmas lasts about 16 hours and for 8 of that they will be sleeping.

there have been posts on here in the past saying they often dont finish till near midnight on Christmas Eve and are back in at 4 am on Boxing Day = 16 hours.

OP I totally agree!

My sister's MIL has the right idea. She has one DS and lives in a lovely house in a beautiful part of London and for many years we traveled up to spend Christmas with her.

For her Christmas was all about inclusivity and making sure no one was left out. Each year she made sure that anyone she knew that would possibly be spending Christmas alone was invited to hers.

It made for the most amazing Christmas Days where we met some amazing people from all walks of life - I'm talking 20 plus guests. I've always thought since then that THAT is how you do Christmas!

My sister is sadly now separated from her DS, but is thankfully still on good terms with her ex MIL.

I like a welcoming inclusive Christmas but have a very dominant MIL, for a long time we haven’t lived near family and I am currently dealing with cancer. As I am stuck at home I have decided I want to be well prepared for Christmas this year so our immediate family of 5 can enjoy being together after a tough year. For obvious reason we’re not going to be hosting anyone but that’s fine.

I think it’s fine to figure out a balance so everyone has their needs met as best as possible, there shouldn’t be obligations if it will actually ruin the spirit of Christmas for everyone else! If we let them MIL and FIL would boss the rest of the family but we are able as adults to put in boundaries and make sure Christmas is about love, joy and happiness and not stress.

I do understand the thought process there but carted my dc around a lot when they were small. I wish I hadn't. My in laws I suffered 7 Xmas days and 7 boxing days (alternate yrs) they're all nasty, get my dc bad presents without thought and buy amazing thoughtful gifts for everyone else. I have always loved to give, enjoy choosing presents and really don't mind not receiving back but not the total lack or care and total favouritism going on there. That with a day of snide comments my children are now older and sense they're not liked so why put them through it too? The fave Xmas for them was last year. Silly games, a relaxed dinner, no rules and together all day trip to the park 1st thing. Lots of smiles and memories. Same again this year but maybe on holiday somewhere hot instead in lieu of presents. Family should make the effort all year. My own speak daily; my Mum likes us all together but we do that every few weeks year round

When I was a kid, Christmas was just DM, DF and DSiblings. Well, mass in the morning and a gathering for neighbours after that - but no family.

Nowadays, some years we split between lunch in dPiLs and dinner in DPs (where we are always only supposed to eat at one but offend the other if we don’t have a taste so we are resigned to 2 full dinners...), and huge huge amounts of stress, mis-communications, passive aggressiveness, and outright awful behavior.

Or else we stay at home and have church, visit extended family near us, and dinner just put nuclear family, hosting a gathering on 26th. Which is usually relatively enjoyable.

We always offer to host anyone who wants to come to join us, but no one ever has.

It’s not about getting loads - but the grief we get for the presents we give (spending loads) and the literal tat we get in return (I get cleanser and moisturizer that BiL gets through work for almost nothing, last present dh got was a “dancing Santa” €10 from Tiger!) a long with the grief for the amount of time we spend everywhere ( never enough in any place - not recognizing we can’t get a lot of time off) means it is not magical at all.

When we stay at home, we have time for quiet time and reflection, friends and family, not seeing their disappointment in their presents, and a meal that is hot and only having it once making it actually enjoyable!

So is that “losing the traditions of Christmas” or are we “giving in to the gluttony” by going to extended family?!

I think that social changes have affected how people spend Christmas. Lots of people move away from family due to jobs and also lives are busier - both parents normally work and expectations for children are greater (more homework and exams). If you live near to your relatives you can pop over to them for a few hours or vice-versa whereas the logistics for staying for a few days can be tricky especially if you have children. I think the more we include people the better at Christmas (not just family - anyone who is lonely or struggling) the better but also if you are busy and tired then it is unreasonable to expect them to spend the few days travelling.

My DGPs lived far away from their DPs, having both moved for work once they left school in the 1930s/40s, as did most of their respective siblings!

the same happened with my DPs, as DF left for work as soon as he finished Uni and DM followed him once they married - same route but opppsite direction.

And then DH and I both ended up traveling on the exact same road in the opposite direction again when we both finished Uni.

So people traveling for employment is not a new thing at all. And while in all cases, the relevant D”C”s went “home” for Christmas before they got married, they all generally stayed in their own homes once there were children of their own involved.

So no, it’s not always “the good old days” that were different to today.

Sorry I meant to finish by saying that my nuclear family ends up traveling “home” far more often than I ever did as a child. But it is not a magical sharing experience at all. We do it for others and just deal with the bad parts but only BECAUSE we know we won’t be there every year and we will have enjoyable ones in between.

The only reason we moved to having Christmas at home was that my 3 brothers and I and DH’s 2 siblings plus all their families finally outgrew shared Christmases at either parental home.
We usually have DH’s family over on Christmas Eve and then again on Christmas evening for supper because they live in the same town. We travel to see my parents and close by family on boxing day for a couple of nights.
We have a big get together of my family a week or so before when we can get all 16 of us together at the same time and have a big bring and share Christmas meal in a hall we rent.
We do a family secret Santa for the grown ups which we’ve done for years. For us Christmas is about family time and food

My childhood Christmases were just my parents, my maternal grandmother, my sister and I.

We didn't do extended family and there wasn't much of that anyway. My mother was an only child. Her own father had died before I was born. That left my grandmother (maternal) on her own, so she spent her Christmases with us.

My Dad was the middle child of three, but we lived easily a day's travel from them all so rarely saw them and Christmas all together would have been totally impractical. Everyone was content with a phone call on Christmas morning.

As a child I never knew any different and DH's much bigger and somewhat closer extended family was both a revelation and a mystery to me when I first came on the scene. They liked to spend Christmas Day in their own homes and gather together at someone's house on Boxing Day.

That has tailed off now. Many of the older relatives are sadly no longer with us, and the politics can be complicated between the existing wider family now.

Every family is different. Everyone's childhood Christmases are unique to their family traditions and circumstances.