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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Christmas with MiL?

120 replies

Torple · 08/10/2018 08:57

Since we have been together (20 yrs), OH and I have alternated Christmas with either my family or his.

On both sides, if I dare suggest we might just stay at home, I get parental guilt trips on both sides.

My parents live locally, and my mum likes all her family together at Christmas because as kids, due to their jobs, one or other parent was always at work, but now we’re adults, it’s not always possible.
We have hosted a couple of times but my house is tiny and there’s not much space for entertaining.
So we compromise and alternate.
Last year was “her turn”. They are going to my brother in Brighton this year so aren’t around, which is fine and lovely for my brothers kids etc.
So this year it’s the turn of my MiL to get the visit.

She makes no secret of the fact that Christmas is over rated, she will only eat a Christmas dinner she has prepared herself from scratch and refuses to visit our house because our kitchen isn’t big enough for her to work in. The first year we hosted her and my late FiL, she walked in, I popped upstairs to put her coat away, she had taken over, told me to get out of the kitchen, then complained all day about the quality of the ingredients. She’s refused every invitation since.
AIBU to say we’re not going? I just want one Christmas in our own home, where we are not driving halfway across the county to appease relatives.
My FiL died a few years ago, she is still very angry because the doctor told him if he didn’t look after himself, he would drop dead within five years. Turns out the doctor was right. But we have had a text message saying “Are you coming for Christmas or am I ordering a microwave turkey meal for one?”
So OH feels guilty about not going, I say she’s being unreasonable.

I would just like one Christmas where we don’t have to leave the house for a day, and the kids can play with their toys without being banished to the spare room because it’s quiet.

Plus OH only gets Christmas Day off so it’s not like we can do that on Boxing Day.

WWYD?

OP posts:
ExFury · 08/10/2018 09:02

I’d Invite her over, but have everything prepped before she arrives so she can’t take over.
Better still if your DH can tell her that you two are hosting Christmas because and she’s a guest.

What does your DH want to do?

frazmum · 08/10/2018 09:03

I don’t get why people expect kids to be dragged around on Xmas Day.

Does MIL live close enough to visit for a short while? Or invite her to yours and ask her to do one course, say pudding that she can be in control of.

Charlie97 · 08/10/2018 09:05

Surely over the 20 years she's changed? Just say, come to us you've done enough let me cook you dinner this year?

ineedaholidaynow · 08/10/2018 09:10

How old are your DC?
From your comment about them being 'banished' to another room, it's not like she wants to enjoy the magic of Christmas with her grandchildren.

I would stay at home. Let her have the option of coming to you, but as another PP said, organise it so she can't take over.

Sparklyfee · 08/10/2018 09:13

She's being unreasonable. She's getting everything her own way. Invite her to you and have dinner ready to eat for the time you tell her to come!

If she's so fussy about her Christmas dinner why on earth would she order a microwave meal Hmm. Don't let her guilt trip you

Chocolatecake12 · 08/10/2018 09:14

This makes me so grateful I have parents who have said since i was about 18 - Christmas is about being happy - please don’t worry about us if you want to go somewhere else, we will be fine! Actually maybe they were dropping hints!
Most Christmas’s we have spent with them actually but that’s through choice.

In your situation I would invite her to yours. Make it quite clear that you will be cooking and she is a guest.

Fluffyears · 08/10/2018 09:14

Say you want to be at home but she is welcome to join you. Start a new tradition.

Piffle11 · 08/10/2018 09:18

Stay at home! After 20 years, I think you've earned the right to have the Christmas you want. Every other year I got guilted into having my parents at our house for Christmas Day - they go to Dsis's house in between - and every time they acted like they really couldn't be bothered to make any effort with any of us. Anyway, they have now decided that they are going to spend every Christmas at their home, on their own. Bliss for me and my Dsis!

Original poster
Torple · 08/10/2018 09:19

Sorry, should have said, kids are both primary school age, so still of the age where Christmas is magical.
We have invited her this year, she said no, because our kitchen isn't big enough for her to cook the dinner she's invited for.
Last time I vaguely mentioned a local hotel was doing a nice menu, she said "I hope you're not implying I eat my Christmas dinner at a hotel?"

OP posts:
chumbal · 08/10/2018 09:20

She sounds delightfulGrin

Say you are spending Christmas at home. If you want to extend the invite to her do, if not don't.

It's your lifeSmile

Popc0rn · 08/10/2018 09:20

What did she do last Christmas? If you went to your parents, was she on her own? Is your husband an only child?

Could you invite her to yours, and suggest you all go out for lunch somewhere?

She does sound like hard work tbh, but Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without at least one family member being a PITA!

chumbal · 08/10/2018 09:21

Cross post, do your own thing Wink

NationalShiteDay · 08/10/2018 09:23

Tell her to order the microwave meal in.

If your kids are that young that Christmas is still magical to them then you owe it to them to make it as magical as possible. You won't get this time again.

AlphaBravo · 08/10/2018 09:24

Tell her to do one. It's your house or no house and she wont be allowed in the kitchen.

She might actually enjoy herself for once if she stops being a crank.

timeisnotaline · 08/10/2018 09:24

If I were your oh, and your parents love close but his widowed mother doesn’t, I would say that if you want Christmas at home alone it would be in your family’s year, not mine.
But if you are happy to have her at yours I think he will need to put his foot down eventually about her refusing to come, so he could start this year. Hi Mum, you’re welcome to ours. Op is cooking but you can always bring that microwave meal you said you were getting if you don’t trust that! (Does she need picking up?)
However I’m a bit confused about mil doesn’t do Christmas but needs her Christmas meal just so. If she serves up an amazing turkey with homemade gravy and sides etc then she does do Christmas , just not all the same bits as you do.

Uncreative · 08/10/2018 09:24

Invite her. If she turns it down, its her problem.

Your kids deserve to enjoy their toys at home for a change.

Tell her that ‘it’s for the kids’.

boux · 08/10/2018 09:24

Just say you are having it at home this year and she is more than welcome to come. If she refuses because it's not up to her standards then she will have to sort herself out!

Aprilislonggone · 08/10/2018 09:24

Send her some links to frozen Christmas dinners. Ask does she want it delivered to her house or yours?
Stay home op, you and your dc are entitled to a stress free day. Dh can pop off and see her for a snowball should he so wish!!

thecatsthecats · 08/10/2018 09:27

She can bugger of if she's going to be so uncompromising.

Out Christmas was always just our immediate family, in our home. I loved having an easy, cosy day, no faffing. Do it for the sake of your kids, and remind your DH that it's them who'll suffer either if
It's her home, or her stamping all over your family Christmas. You can tell her once more if you care to that YOU will be hosting, and YOU guys will do the meal, and YOUR children will be as noisy as they like enjoying Christmas.

Makes me grateful for my parents. Nutty in many ways, but this year my sister is having her first Christmas at home with their baby, and I am on honeymoon. No guilt, just enjoying themselves in a new way.

TwitterQueen1 · 08/10/2018 09:27

I also refused to go anywhere for Christmas when our DCs arrived. People were welcome to come to ours - by invitation only - but we never visited until after Boxing Day. Christmas for us was all about the children and being in our own home.

So no OP, YANBU. Put your foot down and declare Christmas will be at home for the forseeable future! And if MIL doesn't want to eat your food she can go hungry. How rude.

Snog · 08/10/2018 09:29

You have invited her, she said no.
There is no problem there.

Gatehouse77 · 08/10/2018 09:29

I admit that from the very get-go I let my mum and in-laws know that we wouldn't be caught up in the alternating scenario as sometimes we might want to be on our own. It's not been a problem but having found yourselves in that pattern it might be hard to break the first time. hopefully, it will get easier.

Also, we have split the day sometimes. Had the morning and the main meal at home then gone elsewhere for pudding and presents. Works well as no-one has to to do 'everything' meal wise and everyone sees who they want to see.

Singlebutmarried · 08/10/2018 09:30

We (I’m) fed up of cooking for ungrateful bloody MIL. It has to be at her house in order to fit everyone in, she keeps almost no food in the house (not even a jar of coffee) so if you visit you have to take all food/drinks etc.

There are 3 siblings, all have children and basically want a nice Christmas (ie without MIL -their DM).

Out of the 16 years I’ve been with DH, we’ve spent 2 at home and 2 with my folks, the other 12 have been there.

I’ve booked a local hotel this year and MIL is coming with us. She behaves better in public and is less likely to be rude as arseholes to both me and DH. It’s worth the money not to feel like a piece of crap in my own house.

yorkshireyummymummy · 08/10/2018 09:30

I think parents who insist their adult children spend Christmas with them when they have children of their own are really selfish.

I’m sure we all agree that Christmas is a time for family and for ensuring the children of the family have wonderful magical times and building a store of lovely memories. They don’t get that if they get dragged from their own home , leaving their toys and being told to be quiet by grandparents who dont want noise or mess in their homes.

Stand your ground. Ask your children what they want to do - its their Christmas too! Extend an invitation to your MIL and tell her that she is welcome to come but you will be cooking since it’s your home. It sounds like she thinks Christmas Day is all about the meal and the quality of the ingredients in said meal- whereas to most people the time spent withnthe children is the most precious

Have a Christmas in your own home - but in the sense of fair play you will have to stay at home next year too and not go to your parents ( who are equally selfish in their own way!)

oh4forkssake · 08/10/2018 09:32

Where's your DH in all this?

I'd tell her she's very welcome at yours, and then spend the next 10 weeks emphasising the fact that you'll be doing the cooking and her services won't be needed.

If she doesn't like it, she can have her microwaved turkey dinner for one.

I love cooking, and DH declares my Christmas dinner the best he's every had (out of his mother's hearing). She comes every other year, and spends the visit making passive aggressive comments about things being "posh" and "not bothering with that" in her house.

I just go for a looonnnnnnggggg run on Boxing Day morning.

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