AIBU to not want to spend Christmas with MiL?

[Torple]

Since we have been together (20 yrs), OH and I have alternated Christmas with either my family or his.

On both sides, if I dare suggest we might just stay at home, I get parental guilt trips on both sides.

My parents live locally, and my mum likes all her family together at Christmas because as kids, due to their jobs, one or other parent was always at work, but now we’re adults, it’s not always possible.
We have hosted a couple of times but my house is tiny and there’s not much space for entertaining.
So we compromise and alternate.
Last year was “her turn”. They are going to my brother in Brighton this year so aren’t around, which is fine and lovely for my brothers kids etc.
So this year it’s the turn of my MiL to get the visit.

She makes no secret of the fact that Christmas is over rated, she will only eat a Christmas dinner she has prepared herself from scratch and refuses to visit our house because our kitchen isn’t big enough for her to work in. The first year we hosted her and my late FiL, she walked in, I popped upstairs to put her coat away, she had taken over, told me to get out of the kitchen, then complained all day about the quality of the ingredients. She’s refused every invitation since.
AIBU to say we’re not going? I just want one Christmas in our own home, where we are not driving halfway across the county to appease relatives.
My FiL died a few years ago, she is still very angry because the doctor told him if he didn’t look after himself, he would drop dead within five years. Turns out the doctor was right. But we have had a text message saying “Are you coming for Christmas or am I ordering a microwave turkey meal for one?”
So OH feels guilty about not going, I say she’s being unreasonable.

I would just like one Christmas where we don’t have to leave the house for a day, and the kids can play with their toys without being banished to the spare room because it’s quiet.

Plus OH only gets Christmas Day off so it’s not like we can do that on Boxing Day.

WWYD?

well, SIL can collect the turkey if it really is not possible to cancel it, and MIL can go back to her microwave dinner for one plan.

Just don't engage with the nonsense, the choice is hers, come to yours or stay at home, you are not travelling.....lather rinse repeat.

Well, MIL can donate the turkey to people who really need it. Do not pander to her. And the old MN staple "No, is a complete sentence!"

OP, stand firm.

My late MIL did this. In fact we ALWAYS went to her (and FIL), going up to my parents (200 miles away) the day after Boxing day for a few days up to New Year.

When DDs were 6 and 3 (and I was PG with DD3) we said we wanted to stay at home, DH was going to cook. They were invited to come for the whole day and I would pick them up and drive them home.

The histrionics went on for weeks, all the reasons why we couldn't possibly 'do' Xmas, followed by the cat's bum face.
She came on Xmas day, and it was fine, the DC could play with their toys and we had a relaxed day.
The following Xmas, we had a six month old, so we did the same (Less cats bum face the second year)
By the third year the pattern was established.

It's a power thing, she sees herself as the matriarch of the family, she does Xmas, everyone comes to her. You are threatening her place as the Matriarch. When the next generation start to be fully independent and see her as a guest rather than the centre of the family, she loses her power and is relegated (in her head) to an elderly relative to be invited and parked in a corner (like she did to great aunt Mary for years)
This is how it was with MIL anyway.

My Mum generally got on her with PILs but she never forgave them for demanding full attendance on Christmas Day .

At the risk of sounding like four Yorkshiremen... this involved a 20 minute walk to the station (it was the 1950s, trains still ran on Christmas Day) followed by a train journey, followed by a THREE MILE WALK. And the same in reverse, only the THREE MILE WALK was uphill.

One year my Mum was newly pregnant, with a toddler and a baby in a full size pram. In the snow. And she just stood up to the PILs and said never again. And the sky didn't fall in.

If I were you, and I imagine it's been said upthread, I would just be declaring "from now on we're having Christmas at our house, you're welcome to join us, just let us know" and refuse to budge.

I would extend an invite to her and explain that you only have one day off together you'd rather relax at home with the kids so they can enjoy their toys in their own environment. If she is stubborn and refuses to come then let her have it her own way at home. Simple.

She'll be eating that turkey until Easter

Now stand your ground and don't back down. After DS's first Christmas where I tried to do both grandparents with a round trip of three hours with very icy roads, I said no. And the last 5 Christmases have been absolutely wonderful making our own traditions and memories for DS.

Oh, screw her.

Have the Christmas you want and forget about the contrary mare.

I sympathise.
We have my mother every year for Christmas, my brother and sister don’t have her, one is away, the other has other family or their friends. I think only once in 20 years, we’ve had Christmas with just our family, and we are both ( husband and I, heartily sick of it)
It’s mean of us I know, but 20 years.
Have Christmas at home by yourselves this year. See her ander day, if she’s not bothered about Christmas anyway.

The trouble with staying at home and saying come to us, is that you have to collect them, bring them to your house, and then take them back too.

YANBU to spend Christmas in your own home. In my first LT relationship we alternated - it was horrible. For the last 20+ years we've been at our own home unless we've spent it abroad on holiday. I'd invite her over but prep beforehand and if she gets in the kitchen she gets out of it smartish.

And as a child every Christmas was spent at Grandparents homes, regardless of whether we were ill or not, we were bundled out. I’d have much preferred a family Christmas at home in comfort

That was one manipulative turkey purchase! Stick to your guns op you've been more than reasonable, buy some ear plugs so you don't have to listen to the inevitable gargantuan amounts of moaning and martyrdom you're going to have to put up with over the coming weeks.

You and your family are entitled to stay at home for Christmas as much anyone else. Relax and enjoy without worrying about ferrying overexcited kids about that get banished to the spare room after dinner!

Well you know what to buy her for Christmas.
Freezer storage boxes for the turkey!!

Remain with the current plan!

I'm a tiny bit confused - how did your OH leave it? Is she expecting you to go to hers or you're expecting her to yours or what? When you posted that he said "Ok, lets leave it like that" I wonder how your MIL thinks it has been left.
She can of course cancel the order for the turkey at this early stage, so her saying she can't is utter rubbish.

Best of luck with whatever you end up doing for Christmas day!

Invite her to yours for 1.00pm and serve up at 1.15pm
That is the choice on the table. She can take it or leave it.
That leaves you free all morning to do family things and then lunch with you all.

Dear mil, we will be having Christmas at home this year. You are welcome to come and join us for lunch at 1.00pm. Love torp.

If She mumbles about the kitchen or prep just laugh it off and say no need for that. Just come and eat with us.

I have just backread the posted update.
Taxi for her to yours for 1.00pm with preroasted Turkey and gravy.
We are always hauling food between houses at Christmas either cooked by the host or cooked by the guest. A Turkey is very portable and very cancellable too!

Or do a Mr Bean and shove her turkey over her head!!

I just would like one year without my kids asking why we are literally the only people on the motorway when everyone else is clearly somewhere else

Then THIS is what you hang on to

Mil, if you want to come over to ours to eat my Christmas lunch, more than welcome! But it’s my Christmas, my family and my kitchen and I am cooking

I bet she hasn’t ordered the turkey

She can get someone to buy it off her if she doesn’t need it

Do not let anyone bully or blackmail you into ruining your kids Christmas

YABU.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend Xmas's at home but if you've always alternated it'd look much better starting on a year that is meant to be spent with your parents if the idea is coming from you.