AIBU to not want to spend Christmas with MiL?

[Torple]

Since we have been together (20 yrs), OH and I have alternated Christmas with either my family or his.

On both sides, if I dare suggest we might just stay at home, I get parental guilt trips on both sides.

My parents live locally, and my mum likes all her family together at Christmas because as kids, due to their jobs, one or other parent was always at work, but now we’re adults, it’s not always possible.
We have hosted a couple of times but my house is tiny and there’s not much space for entertaining.
So we compromise and alternate.
Last year was “her turn”. They are going to my brother in Brighton this year so aren’t around, which is fine and lovely for my brothers kids etc.
So this year it’s the turn of my MiL to get the visit.

She makes no secret of the fact that Christmas is over rated, she will only eat a Christmas dinner she has prepared herself from scratch and refuses to visit our house because our kitchen isn’t big enough for her to work in. The first year we hosted her and my late FiL, she walked in, I popped upstairs to put her coat away, she had taken over, told me to get out of the kitchen, then complained all day about the quality of the ingredients. She’s refused every invitation since.
AIBU to say we’re not going? I just want one Christmas in our own home, where we are not driving halfway across the county to appease relatives.
My FiL died a few years ago, she is still very angry because the doctor told him if he didn’t look after himself, he would drop dead within five years. Turns out the doctor was right. But we have had a text message saying “Are you coming for Christmas or am I ordering a microwave turkey meal for one?”
So OH feels guilty about not going, I say she’s being unreasonable.

I would just like one Christmas where we don’t have to leave the house for a day, and the kids can play with their toys without being banished to the spare room because it’s quiet.

Plus OH only gets Christmas Day off so it’s not like we can do that on Boxing Day.

WWYD?

Why are your children banished to their rooms? Is that at mil request?

I’d had taken that as a joke if my ex mil had tried that and told her not to be silly. It’s the children’s home too

As for the dinner. You have invited her if she says no that’s not your problem
Don’t let her manipulate you

Oh honestly tell her if she insists on being a martyr to a turkey rather than seeing her family then that's her choice!

Sorry but I really think you should stay at home. I have teenagers now and the magic of Christmas has almost gone. You really really really really really need to have some quality time at home with your kids enjoying the magical Christmas. The memories are fantastic. You do not want memories of spending a day in the car with an old bat.

Well done OP
MIL has plenty of options and is just throwing her toys out of the peak. Don't engage.
Just stick to "we will be at home for Christmas and you are welcome to join us. DH and I will be cooking."

She sounds a massive PITA!

Autocarrot there - toys out of the pram obviously!

Son round the corner has lots of people over this year, more than usual, and has implied there’s not enough space for one more.
I have a feeling that SiL has but her foot down and said she doesn’t want to have her dinner hijacked this year, I will have to ask her.

We used to alternate Christmas every year between parents until we got fed up of ot all. I wasn't dragging excited children out on Christmas Day to make everyone else happy. Your MIl is being a pain in the arse OP, tell her to have a ready meal for one and to grow up. I never understand the drama come people create over one day of the year.

At least now you know she's not going to be alone at Christmas - she'll have the turkey for company. How do you feel being lower in the pecking order than a dead bird? I dare you to buy her a special Christmas card "for the two of you at Christmas"

She’s being a manipulative selfish boot. She has the best part of three months to cause havoc over this when you and I both know that she will materialise at your house with a mouth like a cats bum on Christmas morning (she can get a taxi if she’s worried about driving in the dark). In the meantime do not engage, let DH deal with the drama and point out that her grandchildren get priority over her histrionics. My sympathies, my own mother is exactly the same. Only wouldn’t cook (or indeed lift a perfectly manicured finger all. Fucking. Day)

"This isn’t acceptable, nor is it acceptable for her to drive to us because it gets dark early.
But she’s not willing to accept a lift because that means one or other of us can’t have a drink and she would feel bad."

Taxi? £££ I know on christmas day, but you could split the cost? Or could mil stay the night and drive back in the morning?

OP - so currently MIL is staying at her house and you are staying at yours?

Do you think DH and/or yourself will cave to pressure and end up going?

Before you do give in, just remember that this will be how it is for the rest of her life. If you are happy with that then give in. If not you need to stick to Christmas at yours otherwise she'll up the blackmail for all subsequent years.

You've given her loads of options, all that are reasonable. Don't feel guilty for putting your children first - if you don't who does?

I suspect if you stick to her being invited ti yours, she will eventually give in. But.... l don't think Christmas day will pass nicely. I think there will be lot's of nasty comments. Again you need to be prepared for that and have answers ready.

Well since your MIL is so set in her ways and there appears to be no compromise, plus in the past you've given in to exactly what she wants, I think it's reasonable to say this time you're staying at home. You have invited her over, she's refused.

I'm sure your SIL doesn't want her taking over her kitchen if she's got lots of other guests around. Absolutely infuriating!

So stay at home and enjoy it. I hate these emotional guilt trips around Christmas.

At least mil has someone to listen to her complaining.
Poor turkey!!

You have to be strong Op and so does your dh. Tell her she's welcome and you're looking forward to cooking and she can play with the kids and relax while you're doing it. Make a big show that this is all for her and the kids and you can't wait etc etc!

Go the weekend of 22nd or whatever it is If December and tell her you're not doing anything Christmas Day as it's Tuesday and too awkward for your husband - better still get him to tell her!

Your DH needs to politely but firmly tell her. “I know you want to do the cooking and I know you want to do it in your own home. We also want to do the cooking and we want to do it in our own home. Your wish to stay at home does not somehow trump ours. Christmas is for children and we are not travelling this year. You are welcome to visit and eat the food we have prepared with good grace. It you can’t be gracious, please don’t come”. What a madam.

Stick to your guns. Youve done everything you can reasonanly be expected to do. Its a shame for her that her next Christmas with you all is over 2 years away and then only if she is willing to come to you.

I'd stick to doing Christmas at home or near home for a few years. Eventually the packing/ travelling at Christmas gets to be harder work than shopping/ preparing christmas meals.

I think the older generation get set in their ways that they 'always' host Christmas. The tyranny of "my house is bigger" is all pervasive. The fact that they happen to be comfier there and they can have it all their way is always overlooked. Why does your MIL (&dps to an extent) get to dictate? You're not children. Time to stand up for yourselves and at least compromise.

Snog - Autocarrot love it!!!

Ahem. YANBU OP especially since the turkey, 10 weeks in advance, is the hill she's chosen to martyr herself on.
But I do think you need to be seen to be fair to claim the moral highground and do the same to/with your DPs next year so it remains about staying at home not about avoiding the admittedly joyless affair that is Christmas at MILs.

How about adding yourselves into the rotation? One year your mum, one year his mum, one year you stay at home.

Personally, we decided to stay at home at xmas once the kids got to about 4 or 5. I think it's important for them to have their own traditions. But each to your own :)

Bet you changes her mind and comes when she has stopped sulking, and realised she is not going to get her own way. Well done for standing up to her

Who orders the turkey in October?! Someone who wants their own way!

@Iloveacurry - Completely agree. Assuming it's true, of course. I'm sceptical - she was planning a microwave meal not that long ago. Even if it's true, she could surely cancel it if she wanted to. However you look at it, she's clearly manipulative.

OP, you've been very reasonable. I wouldn't get too caught up in it. Just keep saying the same thing, that she's welcome to come to you.

We are very lucky that all our extended family live within a 1 hour drive and that both sets of DP are baby boomers with above average size houses. We have always had breakfast as just us and the DC then gone out late morning. Now that the DC are adults I can ask them if they enjoyed this and they all say yes as our extended family get along and they like being with their cousins. I think it helps that we always have a week off together too.

Our DPs also seem to be quite reasonable or maybe after 30 years MIL has learnt that if I say take your sherry and go and sit in the lounge and relax, it means get out of the kitchen! Fortunately we only host when the gathering size is under 10.

For the large family gatherings we go to their houses, only 1 side of the family at a time, but this is how we grew up and it works for us. Now that DP are older when we are at MIL, DH does the shopping and manages the kitchen team. At my DP then we have a more family approach with the women sharing the kitchen and the men wrangling dogs and DC.

We started off alternating as well, until the year we let the v young children open their gifts, then had to tear them apart at 8am and dash 3 hours in the car to get to SIL's for Xmas lunch as they couldn't accommodate us earlier. I vowed never again - my children would be having Xmas Day in their own home, although if anyone wanted to join us, they were more than welcome.

My brother lives abroad, so actually, when we used to go away, it meant my parents were alone on Xmas Day (PIL could go to SIL, or various brothers and sisters - my parents really only have me), so it means we can always invite my parents around if they want to come (they're very sensitive to this, and will always ask if it's "their" year or not, but we're lucky to have the space to accommodate both sets of parents if necessary).

I would let her know she is welcome to come, make sure you give her some jobs to do while you get on with the other stuff (potato peeling and veg prep is my favorite delegated role, plus my mum always makes much better stuffing than me!), and ply her with champagne so she's too tipsy to care.

Would also be interestign to know how your DH's Xmases were spent - were they at home, or was he taken his grandparents every year?