Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Christmas with MiL?

120 replies

Torple · 08/10/2018 08:57

Since we have been together (20 yrs), OH and I have alternated Christmas with either my family or his.

On both sides, if I dare suggest we might just stay at home, I get parental guilt trips on both sides.

My parents live locally, and my mum likes all her family together at Christmas because as kids, due to their jobs, one or other parent was always at work, but now we’re adults, it’s not always possible.
We have hosted a couple of times but my house is tiny and there’s not much space for entertaining.
So we compromise and alternate.
Last year was “her turn”. They are going to my brother in Brighton this year so aren’t around, which is fine and lovely for my brothers kids etc.
So this year it’s the turn of my MiL to get the visit.

She makes no secret of the fact that Christmas is over rated, she will only eat a Christmas dinner she has prepared herself from scratch and refuses to visit our house because our kitchen isn’t big enough for her to work in. The first year we hosted her and my late FiL, she walked in, I popped upstairs to put her coat away, she had taken over, told me to get out of the kitchen, then complained all day about the quality of the ingredients. She’s refused every invitation since.
AIBU to say we’re not going? I just want one Christmas in our own home, where we are not driving halfway across the county to appease relatives.
My FiL died a few years ago, she is still very angry because the doctor told him if he didn’t look after himself, he would drop dead within five years. Turns out the doctor was right. But we have had a text message saying “Are you coming for Christmas or am I ordering a microwave turkey meal for one?”
So OH feels guilty about not going, I say she’s being unreasonable.

I would just like one Christmas where we don’t have to leave the house for a day, and the kids can play with their toys without being banished to the spare room because it’s quiet.

Plus OH only gets Christmas Day off so it’s not like we can do that on Boxing Day.

WWYD?

OP posts:
KathDayKnight50 · 08/10/2018 09:35

she will only eat a Christmas dinner she has prepared herself from scratch and refuses to visit our house because our kitchen isn’t big enough for her to work in

This is absolute nonsense (on her part). She is just saying this as a way of manipulating everyone and backing them into a corner. If she chooses to eliminate herself from the Christmas she has been invited to for these ridiculous reasons, let her get on with it.

Take a stand, OP, for the sake of the kids. They are still at the magical stage, while your MIL thinks "Christmas is overrated" anyway. You'll never make MIL happy (I have a mum like that). May as well put your energies into your children's happiness.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/10/2018 09:35

"No need to order the dinner for one MIL. We'll get it delivered for you. Happy Christmas!"
I wouldn't actually send that, but I'd think it. You've never had Christmas on your own and I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to.

Feellikeimthemaid · 08/10/2018 09:41

Your MIL doesn't seem in any way shy about turning down your request, so don't feel guilty about doing the same to her.

Reply, or better still get DH to reply, that you're staying in your own house for Christmas this year and you'll be doing the cooking (you manage perfectly well in your kitchen thank you). She's welcome to join you but the venue is not under negotiation. If she gives in and comes to you, make sure DH takes her coat and welcomes her. If she makes a beeline for the kitchen, have DH tell her firmly that she is a guest this year and you (or he) are in control of the kitchen. After 20yrs it's time to stand up to this woman, and your DH should be supporting you with this.

jaguar67 · 08/10/2018 09:44

Reading all the posts, your MIL sounds like a PITA and prone to emotional blackmail. Don't give in.

It's for DH to tell her 'we're having Xmas at home this year - the kids are young, we won't get this time back again etc..we'd love to have you over - get here for x o'clock (when everything will be prepped!)? No need to bring anything, just your lovely self...'!

If a cooking-free Xmas Day surrounded by her wonderful GDC isn't enough, then she knows where the microwave food aisle is!!!

Stand firm !

GetOnYerBike · 08/10/2018 09:46

Do not invite her to yours, and tell her that you are spending this Christmas at home, just your Dh and the children.

Why does she get to dictate how you spend your Christmas? What does she usually do on the Christmases you spend at your parents?

Invite her over on the weekend after Christmas or before but spend Christmas day the way you want to. Stop pandering to her. How dare she take over the cooking in your own home?

And I say this as someone who travels to be with both mine and Dh's families on Christmas day with 2 children but it is because we want to and some family members only get Christmas day off.

diddl · 08/10/2018 09:46

I think if she's said no to you then she doesn't just get to invite you to hers tbh.

Plus 4 people travelling vs 1!

Be prepared for her to change her mind though.

RangeRider · 08/10/2018 09:47

As you've already invited her (and been turned down) she knows you're spending it at home so just say either 'as you know, we're spending it at home this year and if you want to join us you're welcomed as we've already said. If you do decide to come after all please let us know by x' or 'as you know, we're spending it at home this year. We did invite you and you've turned the invite down but no doubt you'll make other plans and we'll catch up with you on the phone instead at some point.'
She's guilt-tripping you. Don't let her.

HeddaGarbled · 08/10/2018 09:47

I think the year you dig your heels in should be on your parents’ year, not your MIL’s.

BertrandRussell · 08/10/2018 09:49

I think you should discuss with your dp, decide what you want to do and do it. But fuck me "My FiL died a few years ago, she is still very angry because the doctor told him if he didn’t look after himself, he would drop dead within five years. Turns out the doctor was right" is a nasty thing to say.

BrisaOtonal · 08/10/2018 09:49

I just got my Christmas note book out of the loft. I write a note to myself as I put the decs away each year. Last year I read this on MN and I wrote it down:

Christmas is about family. Extending the season of goodwill to all

Then I added to it:

Suck it up, then do what you want with your own family. Make it half obligation, half what we want

Find a compromise where you are all happy. If she won't meet you half way it isn't your problem. It is really important to me that my DC have fun at Christmas. My Christmas memories as a child are very precious.

MumW · 08/10/2018 09:50

Put your foot down. We are cooking our own Christmas dinner this year. You are welcome to join us but only if you stay out of the kitchen.

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 09:54

Stick to your guns. You are staying home she is invited so it's up to her what she does.
Reminds me of a reason I was pleased to get divorced. I didn't have a mil any more Grin

VeganCow · 08/10/2018 09:56

Id get her to cook most of it at hers, apart from the actual veg, and bring it to yours. Surely your kitchen is big enough for her to boil some veg once she gets there? more time for you to play with the kids. Id leave her to it, in your kitchen and enjoy the time away from it.

QuizzlyBear · 08/10/2018 09:58

We did the same as you OP for fifteen years - alternating every year, even with two young children.

One year I actually took stock and tried to remember my happiest childhood memories of Christmas - turns out it was the time sat under the tree in my pjs with my mum and dad around me, unwrapping and playing with presents. I realised that I want my kids to feel the same happy, excited yet relaxed feelings that I'd felt and that didn't marry up with getting them hurriedly dressed in their best, separating them from their new toys and bundling them into the car for a long drive, followed by an afternoon of making small talk with older relatives.

If I was you I'd bear in mind the kind of Christmas your kids would enjoy and stick to that, not your MILs idea of what her Christmas should be. Invite her, sure - but if she turns it down, that's it. Your own family's traditions need to be established and they shouldn't be sacrificed at the altar of your MILs control-freakery.

DragonGoby · 08/10/2018 10:01

YANBU to want to spend Christmas at your own house.

I do think you need to invite her (given that she's a widow and it's 'her turn') and make it clear she is welcome.

If she declines the invite, that's up to her.

Givemeallyourcucumber · 08/10/2018 10:01

Tell her Christmas is at your house this year. You are cooking a roast dinner and she is more than welcome to join you. If she doesn't want to eat your food and play with her grandchildren then she can stay at home.

storynanny · 08/10/2018 10:01

Thats awful, stay at home and have a lovely time with ypur young children. Im 62 now but can still remember the disappointment at having to leave my new toys and go to cantankerous old granny for dinner.
My own ex MIL was grumpy too and came to us every Christmas day. She continually made comments like " they get too many presents" " I cant eat that its too rich/dry/foreign.
As a teetotaller I had to drink just to get through the day!
My grandchildren stay at home on Christmas day and I encourage it, plenty of time to see relatives on another day over the holiday.
However.... I have a husband to spend the day with, I may feel dofferently if Im on my own in the future! I must remember this thread and practise what I preach!

thecatsthecats · 08/10/2018 10:03

I'm not sure compromise works in this kind of situation. Fundamentally, the day needs to be all at home for the kids to enjoy it. They also need to be able to play freely, and OP would like to make the meal.

An option MIL won't contemplate is just subsuming her choices to the OP, but that seems beyond her...

JacquesHammer · 08/10/2018 10:03

You can be both firm and kind.

Simply say "we're really looking forward to having Christmas at home this year, but as we've said we'd love you to join us".

If she declines, stick to your plans but I would arrange a visit to see her post Christmas.

If you're planning to go back to "turns" next year OP and spend Christmas with your parents, it does seem unkind to MIL. If this is, however, your new normal you need to ensure everyone knows.

grasspigeons · 08/10/2018 10:03

Does she spend Christmas alone every other year then? or is she with other family.

She does sound awkward about the food - but your husband presumably gets say over if he wants to see his mum every other Christmas.

Kolo · 08/10/2018 10:04

I would feel pretty cack leaving anyone to eat alone for Xmas dinner. But you have invited her over. If I was your OH id reply something along the lines of “we’d love it if you’d join us for Christmas Day.
We’re having Xmas here this year”.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/10/2018 10:04

I think the main part of your decision is easy. You should definitely stay at home. The only question is whether or not to invite your MIL. If you do want to invite her say you do not need any help with cooking. You could use size of kitchen as excuse.

Failingat40 · 08/10/2018 10:06

Yanbu. She's been invited and she's declined the invite due to lack of space for her to cook in your kitchen?!

She's having a microwave meal for one then isn't she? Her choice.

Why do these women think it's their place to come to the DILs home and take over?

My MIL is the same. She bashes me out of the way in my own kitchen and insists on bringing everything with her.

Sometimes it would be nice to be a host and entertain our guests instead of these MIL glory hunting all the time.

We will be spending this Xmas ourselves this year in our new home, much happier without bossy boots.

Do what makes you happy. Sod being miserable at Christmas!

gamerchick · 08/10/2018 10:06

Stick to your guns OP. I've had the past few Christmas days at home, it's pure bliss.

Invite her for a time when dinner is ready but if she refuses to come then a day at home on her own might let her put things into perspective.

If she pulls the same crap next year just repeat. She has to learn she doesn't get it all her own way.

It is hard I know but it's so worth it.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 08/10/2018 10:08

We have never been happier since we said we are doing Christmas at home from now on, and that people are welcome to come here. For the past four years it’s been us and my sister, with her kids alternate years.

My parents came the first year and it was a disaster. But still better than the strained christmases at theirs, which always turned into a martyr competition.

The kids now get to open their presents at leisure, we have a laid back dinner (we had kebabs one year!), me and my sis get a bit silly on the Christmas martinis with nae judgment from the mother, and there’s usually karaoke in the evening. It’s perfect.