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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to spend Christmas with MiL?

120 replies

Torple · 08/10/2018 08:57

Since we have been together (20 yrs), OH and I have alternated Christmas with either my family or his.

On both sides, if I dare suggest we might just stay at home, I get parental guilt trips on both sides.

My parents live locally, and my mum likes all her family together at Christmas because as kids, due to their jobs, one or other parent was always at work, but now we’re adults, it’s not always possible.
We have hosted a couple of times but my house is tiny and there’s not much space for entertaining.
So we compromise and alternate.
Last year was “her turn”. They are going to my brother in Brighton this year so aren’t around, which is fine and lovely for my brothers kids etc.
So this year it’s the turn of my MiL to get the visit.

She makes no secret of the fact that Christmas is over rated, she will only eat a Christmas dinner she has prepared herself from scratch and refuses to visit our house because our kitchen isn’t big enough for her to work in. The first year we hosted her and my late FiL, she walked in, I popped upstairs to put her coat away, she had taken over, told me to get out of the kitchen, then complained all day about the quality of the ingredients. She’s refused every invitation since.
AIBU to say we’re not going? I just want one Christmas in our own home, where we are not driving halfway across the county to appease relatives.
My FiL died a few years ago, she is still very angry because the doctor told him if he didn’t look after himself, he would drop dead within five years. Turns out the doctor was right. But we have had a text message saying “Are you coming for Christmas or am I ordering a microwave turkey meal for one?”
So OH feels guilty about not going, I say she’s being unreasonable.

I would just like one Christmas where we don’t have to leave the house for a day, and the kids can play with their toys without being banished to the spare room because it’s quiet.

Plus OH only gets Christmas Day off so it’s not like we can do that on Boxing Day.

WWYD?

OP posts:

ashtrayheart · 08/10/2018 10:09

'We have decided we would like to spend Christmas at home this year, but you are welcome to join us'

Job done. We never leave the house Christmas Day, it's lovely.

SassitudeandSparkle · 08/10/2018 10:12

Why didn't you stay at home last year when your mother asked you to go round? I am all for staying at home especially with small children but if you MIL doesn't have anywhere else to go and your mother does, it does seem unfair to pick her year to do it!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/10/2018 10:15

What @ashtrayheart said, spot on !
Enjoy Christmas in your own home, make some memories.

diddl · 08/10/2018 10:17

" if you MIL doesn't have anywhere else to go and your mother does, it does seem unfair to pick her year to do it!"

I agree-although MIL has been invited & declined.

KC225 · 08/10/2018 10:20

What does she do on the year's you go to your family? What did she do.last year?

Definitely stay at home, invite her but its your home - don't take any of her crap. Taking over someone's kitchen and then moaning about the ingredients - would you be so rude at her house? She has got away with far too much. Play her at her own game, 'We are spending Christmas at home and your are welcome to join us but I WILL BE COOKING this year - so let us know if we should order that microwave meal for you to eat here'

I am another one who think she will refuse but change her mind at the last minute.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 08/10/2018 10:22

Get you DH to say

"We're staying at home on Christmas Day this year. I know you won't want to come to us for Christmas dinner, so come for Christmas eve/Boxing Day/Evening delete as appropriate instead"

I can see why your DH doesn't want his widowed mum to be on her own, even if she is being massively unreasonable and unable to compromise on where and how you celebrate.

I think YABU a bit about the year she took over. She'd just lost her husband, I bet she needed to grasp on to something to do tbh.

SandAndSea · 08/10/2018 10:33

I don't think you're bu. I might reply something like:

We've decided to have Christmas at home this year. We'd love you to join us so no need for a microwave meal! :) Hope you can make it. xx

LaGruffaloGrumble · 08/10/2018 10:34

We've been married five years and have decided this is the year we nip this exact nonsense in the bud - DD is 4 and DS is 2 and it's just not fair driving them about the place (to my parents for breakfast (!) and then MIL for lunch) on Christmas Day - because apparently seeing them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day just isn't the same .

We've basically drawn the line in the sand. Booked an airbnb for my parents nearby (they don't drive so couldn't get to us otherwise, house too small to host them) and told MIL and GPIL that they are all invited for lunch. Everyone can see us on Christmas Day if that's what they want but the kids aren't spending the best part of four hours of their Christmas Day in the car schlepping between social occasions.

To be honest, I'm dreading it. I know everyone will be making passive aggressive comments about the size of our house / cooking style etc but at least it's on our terms.

Good luck OP!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/10/2018 10:42

You and your DH need to be in agreement over what way to extend an invite to his mother and how you both will reply if there are any sarcastic responses from her.
You could say "Hi Mum/MiL, Torple and I would love to have you over as our guest on Christmas Day to spend time with the kids and for some dinner that will be ready at 1pm/3pm/whenever. We will be having Christmas Day celebrations at ours as you're aware that Mr Torple only gets Christmas day off from work. Will we be seeing you on that day?"

If she comes back with her microwaveable dinner for one or dinner in a hotel I'd have a response like:
"Oh well. We hope you have a relaxing quiet day to yourself and that the M&S dinner will be as tasty as they look in their food adverts" or "That would be a lovely day to have food in a hotel, and imagine, no prepping or washing up afterwards. Sounds so relaxing".

You want to set up some new traditions for your family (you, your DH and your kids). Let year 20 of your relationship be that year when it happens!

onalongsabbatical · 08/10/2018 10:46

Have not read the full thread, but, a) she won't eat what you cook, b) she won't cook at yours (and why should you let her, anyway?) and c) she won't eat at a hotel.
Yes, she is being completely unreasonable. Just say we're staying home this year, you are very welcome to join us or not, as you wish. End of conversation. Lalalalalala fingers in ears.
Your DH needs to be helped to understand how unreasonable his mother is being and that he is NOT responsible for her happiness. That's the issue here.

CandleWithHair · 08/10/2018 10:49

You’ve not painted her in a very flattering light OP, but it does seem a little harsh on your part to want to do Christmas at home alone on her year when you know full well she has no other family, unlike your own.

Reading between the lines, when you say she’s only happy eating a meal cooked from scratch, does that mean your own approach to cooking is ready meal/pre-prepared stuff? Not criticising that, but perhaps there’s a balance to be found there that might appease her? Tell her you’re going to cook from scratch this year (even if you don’t! I bet she’d never even notice).

Gersemi · 08/10/2018 10:49

We have invited her this year, she said no, because our kitchen isn't big enough for her to cook the dinner she's invited for

"No problem, MiL, I'll be doing the cooking."

If she then says she can't eat anything you've cooked, take massive offence and say that in that case she'll have to cook for herself at her house, what a shame, but it's her choice.

NewGrandad · 08/10/2018 10:53

@Torple

Sorry, should have said, kids are both primary school age, so still of the age where Christmas is magical.

Ummm I'm 55 and Christmas is still magical!

Gersemi · 08/10/2018 11:01

it does seem a little harsh on your part to want to do Christmas at home alone on her year when you know full well she has no other family, unlike your own.

Where does OP say that, Candle? She said she doesn't want to leave her house, she hasn't said her MiL can't join them.

stonesandsticks · 08/10/2018 11:05

Your DH needs to speak to her and let her know that you are staying at your own home this year. She is invited if she would like to come, and you/DH will be cooking so she need not worry about the size of the kitchen. He needs to make it clear that if she prefers to eat a meal for one in her own home, rather than share whatever you cook in yours, that is her decision.

There will be attempts to guilt trip you- but be aware that if you rise to it she will be worse next time

starfishmummy · 08/10/2018 11:07

My in laws won't come to us, never have done. We have asked them, they've said no, so that's the end of the matter. We don't change our minds and go to them, nor do we feel obligated to make sure they are doing something else because they are adults and are still capable of arranging their own day.

Aprilislonggone · 08/10/2018 11:13

Maybe suggest to mil her culinary skills would be appreciated on the 25th at a soup kitchen?

Time4change2018 · 08/10/2018 11:34

Is this just 1 year or a new tradition, next year will you say the same to your side ?
How far away is MIL.... is there a compromise, maybe a Christmas eve meal out together or a boxing day brunch?

beeefcake · 08/10/2018 12:11

Invite her to yours, if she doesn't want to come then that's her problem

Original poster

Torple · 11/10/2018 05:13

Ok, so, update.
She’s already ordered a turkey, which she can’t now cancel. Here’s me thinking it’s only October, must be wrong. Cooking the turkey is her big “thing”, family recipe gravy, lasts for days so she has leftovers etc..
We said that if she wants to, she’s welcome to do that and bring it, it will still be the centrepiece etc.
This isn’t acceptable, nor is it acceptable for her to drive to us because it gets dark early.
But she’s not willing to accept a lift because that means one or other of us can’t have a drink and she would feel bad. But when OH pointed out that the exact same applies if we go to her house, she said “Well, at least I get to see you that way. I will stay here alone.”
He just said “fine, let’s leave it at that.” Because there’s no reasoning with her when she’s like that.

Just to clarify, OH has a brother, he lives round the corner, she happily goes there but takes over the cooking, SiL has her family over too, so it seems to be fine the other way.

Also, as to whether we will do the same it’s my parents next year, possibly but we have never had Christmas at home so it depends on if we like it.

I just would like one year without my kids asking why we are literally the only people on the motorway when everyone else is clearly somewhere else.

So, that’s where we are!

OP posts:

KC225 · 11/10/2018 05:28

Goodness, she sounds exasperating. Well done for remaining calm under fire. She is not prepared to meet you anywhere, let alone half way. I think you have offered lots of options but as she has rejected all of them you can now relax and start planning your Christmas at home. I also think the son round the corner is a game changer, even if your Christmas is rejected she does have an alternative.

Godowneasy · 11/10/2018 06:36

So she was being melodramatic about the microwave meal for one as she always had the option of going to her other son's home round the corner from her?
Are you sure he will be at home for Xmas this year?

EK36 · 11/10/2018 06:43

I would say that this year we're having Xmas dinner at home and that she is invited. So it's on her, if she wants to spend it alone.

Deadbudgie · 11/10/2018 06:44

Tell both sets of parents going forward Christmas Day is about your kids. You will be staying at home so they can play with their toys and DH can lead on his one day off. They are welcome to come to you though. Don’t leave the kitchen when mil comes round, shout a cherry hello, have as much done as possible, if she comes in get DH to sit her down and say there’s not much else to be done and no room in the kitchen

Deadbudgie · 11/10/2018 06:51

Sorry just seen your update. Sounds like she’s a stroppy mare.stick to your guns. But I do think it’s only fair you do this for 2years

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