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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About friend on holiday.

133 replies

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 06:28

Basically, I holiday to a particular place very often, i used to come here for 6 months of the year but I had a baby beggining of this year so only did 2 weeks in June, August and now.
June and August my mum was with me so it was enjoyable because I had help with the baby if I needed, always had someone to talk to and she's really good and babysat a couple of nights so I could go out with friends.
In August my friend was here too and asked if I wanted to go in October for 2 weeks, I said I wasn't sure as because it would just be me and the baby as my mum is away somewhere else, and that you (my friend) come here to get drunk every night and sleep into the late afternoon, and never leave the hotel in the day (we are self catering, so no entertainment in the hotel) so would maybe get a bit bored.
She promised me she wouldn't be like this, said she wanted a relaxing holiday to spend with me and the baby, and that we would do stuff in the daytime and she would just go visit other people she knows at night when I go back to the hotel to put the baby to bed and have a few drinks, but not get totally smashed.
So I said ok if you're sure then that's fine I'll come, and I told her I was just a little worried that i would be alone most days but she insisted it wouldn't be like this.
I have been here a week today, and every day she has slept until 12 or 1pm and then she goes for a nap at about 4pm because she's so hungover, we get ready to eat for about half 8/9 and then I take DD back for 11 cos that's when the loud music starts in all the bars. So basically I'm only seeing her 6 hoirs a day and most of those hours she's not very good company as she's hungover and just talks about all the boys who's given her attention.
Now I know it's her holiday too and she can do what she wants, and if she said this was what she wanted to do before we came i wouldn't have come.
I told her because i have the baby I can't be out at night but if we are going to do things in the daytime like go to the beach, boat trip etc etc then I would he fine with that.
The people staying here in the hotel are not very sociable either, sometimes someone will have a conversation with me but they just keep themselves to themselves.
AIBU to be a bit annoyed that my friend is doing the opposite of what she said she would do? I've been on my own with the baby pretty much all day everyday so not really having adult company and of course I love my baby but there's only so much I can talk to a baby who can't talk back Smile
I've spoken to my friend about it but she didn't seem to think there was a problem as it was "her" holiday and she didn't want to wake up to an alarm on holiday.
I told her if she had said it was going to be like this before we came then I wouldn't have come but she said the total opposite, she said sorry but to be honest I think she's more interested in spending her time with the boys who work here and I feel like she just used me as someone to travel with and to say she's not alone.
What do you guys think?
I'm just not really having great time and DD is extra needy so i can't even shower or eat in peace, which she isn't usually like this but we are in a foreign place so I understand. It just would be nice for my friend to entertain DD for 15 mins while I showered quick. I explained how difficult it is for me to get ready but she didn't offer any sort of help either. It's just pretty shit being lonely in a forgein country.

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 08/10/2018 08:31

Whilst I agree with you that your friend has lied in order to have this holiday, the fact is you said upthread that you knew your baby was extra needy when in unfamiliar surroundings.

On that basis I think you were unwise to go away; I get that you are craving adult company and conversation but for the time being you need to put your baby’s neeeds first.

I’d also write off the friendship as I agree she’s not been a great friend.

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 08:32

Good to hear things are getting better. I hope the littlies disturb your companients sleep. She sounds very selfish. And disgusting to boot sleeping with a friend's bf. Ugh Angry

Cheddarsmedders · 08/10/2018 08:33

“What an extraordinary amount of holidays you have!”

GrinGrinGrin

Hahahhahhahhaha.

MemoryOfSleep · 08/10/2018 08:34

Yanbu. I totally see why you're disappointed, she hasn't done as she said when she promised to go on day excursions with you. I think you're doing quite well to have been on holiday solo with your baby. It's hard work and quite isolating to look after a baby on your own all day. Hot weather and lack of home comforts can make you and baby miserable. I wouldn't go on holiday with her again if I were you.

Cheddarsmedders · 08/10/2018 08:37

Obviously she is under no obligation to help with the baby but she clearly promised to a certain type of holiday with you, including day trips etc and has so far not followed through on any of that. YANBU
If she’s a good friend, tell her how you feel.

Juells · 08/10/2018 08:38

HRTFT because I can't get past this line in one of OP's posts

I bought het a paddling pool but she's not entertained in it for long.

Do people put 9-month-old babies in paddling pools? :(

StealthPolarBear · 08/10/2018 08:40

Maybe op was talking about her friend :)

viques · 08/10/2018 08:40

I think you should have made it clear to your friend that you wanted her as an extra pair of hands for the baby, and to entertain you and provide amusing conversation . Clearly she thinks she has paid to go to a holiday resort to have a holiday.........

Oakmaiden · 08/10/2018 08:44

Do people put 9-month-old babies in paddling pools?

Why on earth not? As long as it is warm and closely supervised, babies generally love to splash in water. What a weird thing to get hung up on...

AnnieanoniMouse · 08/10/2018 08:50

YANBU.

You discussed potential issues & needs before you went. She SAID she wanted a relaxing holiday with you & DD. She’s done exactly the opposite, all the things you said you were concerned about. I’m not really sure why she was so insistent she wanted to go with you, then to be like this, it’s odd. When I was very much younger my two best friends had kids, I didn’t. We (separately with each friend and all together) went on loads of holidays and it was basically like being a couple with kids. When I wanted to be out till dawn and messing around with guys, I went alone or with other friends.

She’s no friend of yours, you’d probably have a better time with her sister!

I hope you enjoy the day out on the boat & your other friend visiting.

rookiemere · 08/10/2018 08:50

Sorry OP that your holiday is not working out as planned. Your friend said she would do things, but unfortunately has not held to that and ultimately as a single person she wants to enjoy herself. She probably thought she would help with the baby and get up during the day, but I suspect you're both quite young and she's enjoying having a good time more.

Good for you for booking a boat trip I would tell your friend about it. It may be if there are interesting day time activities she may be more likely to come along, but if not at least you're occupied.

Mismatched expectations from each other - happens a lot on holidays.

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 08:51

Just so it's clear I never ever expected her to step in for my mum or take any responsibility for my child. Not once. I told her before we came that I won't be able to go out or drink at all. So that she would be alone at night, but she told me she knew someone who would be there at night.
What I was expecting was some company that's all and the maybe for her to watch her for 15 mins to shower. But obviously shouldn't have expected that either. I made it clear I wouldn't be able to do normla things we would do on holoday without a baby, and she was ok with this, that's why I agreed to go.
And yes I have little toys she can play with and I sit with her while she's in the pool. She loves the water. She's very much a water baby

OP posts:
NotANotMan · 08/10/2018 08:52

Do people put 9-month-old babies in paddling pools? sad

Why the fuck not?

MarthasGinYard · 08/10/2018 08:54

So she's got a friend there in the resort at nights whom she knew would be there?

It was obvious she was going to do this then really.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/10/2018 08:54

Do people put 9-month-old babies in paddling pools? Sad

For the life of me I can’t work out why you think they shouldn’t? Let alone the sad face. What’s that all about?

Viques. That’s really bitchy. And incorrect.

Ghanagirl · 08/10/2018 08:57

OP I’m definitely not jealous just realistic, I accompanied DH on business trips when my two were under one for a change of scenery and nice weather. However I knew I’d be spending day entertaining them alone in foreign country so didn’t have high expectations or anyone to help either DH had to work and just got on with two babies feeling lucky for a rest from cooking cleaning etc.

thenightsky · 08/10/2018 08:58

YANBU. I would think your friend lied about how she would behave as she knew you could get her a cheaper holiday because you are well-known at that hotel. She's used you OP.

Ghanagirl · 08/10/2018 08:58

As for your friends sex life really not your place to judge

DappledThings · 08/10/2018 09:00

Do people put 9-month-old babies in paddling pools?

Another one hoping Juells will come back and explain what's wrong with this. I'm bemused.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/10/2018 09:01

SofaKIngFedUp (love your user name by the way!)

If I were you I’d abandon the thread now, it’s only going to upset or frustrate you.

You haven’t done or expected anything unreasonable. You SAID you didn't want to go on this type of holiday, she assured you it wouldn’t be like this, that she was wanted relaxing holiday with you and DD. She’s completely let you down. Ignore the hard of thinking.

PorkFlute · 08/10/2018 09:02

Yanbu tbh annoyed if your friend said she’d help with the baby and now isn’t. Have you actually said to her though ‘can you watch x for 15 mins while I have a shower?’ and she’s said no or are you waiting for her to offer?
6 hrs adult company a day sounds plenty for me though. And days on the beach and out exploring with your lo followed by some adult company early evening sounds great.

Cumbrianlass66 · 08/10/2018 09:04

To be fair OP it can be bloody hard work with a baby I had two under 13 months and DH only saw them for 30 mins a day (when they had been bathed, fed and in sleep suits) due to his work and travel. I had no help from anyone friends or grandparents. It was hard but I just had to get on with it. I had babies in a routine and showered when they had a morning snooze. Having a shower and putting moisturiser on was as ready as I got as left my hair natural. Lesson learned OP don’t go on holiday with unsympathetic friend again. A holiday with a baby is like doing the same things (no real break) in a different place so you maybe need to lower your standards as a holiday means different things with a baby.
NB - We didn’t Center Parcs, holidayed in cottages and twice did Butlins when ours were under 5. All were well set up for babies and chose your holiday companions carefully.

Sparklyfee · 08/10/2018 09:05

Ghanagirl she knows her friend is shagging a man and then being all friendly with his girlfriend. I'd be judging! It makes the friend a cold hearted, two faced cow and I wouldn't want her as a friend anymore.

I wouldn't be going for meals with her so late and keeping the baby out until 11. Surely that's not DDs routine at home? Maybe that's why she's so tired and clingy?

Xiaoxiong · 08/10/2018 09:06

I do think your friend is being unreasonable, you were clear that you wanted her along only if she wasn't going to be going out and getting smashed every night, she understood that and agreed, and then proceeded to behave exactly as you feared she would.

However...as someone who likes my holidays, I basically had to bin them off completely when my kids were babies unless my parents came with me to share the load (explicitly discussed beforehand!). Babies especially seem like they're twice as much work when you're on holiday. When the DCs were out of their routine and we didn't have all the stuff to hand that makes life a bit easier with a baby like a bouncy chair, jumperoo, toys and books to pass the time, etc. it was hellish. After two holidays ruined by overtired, whinging non-sleeping children - and then on the second one they got sick while abroad and we had no calpol, thermometer, lighter grobag, etc - we decided that unless it was to see family we wouldn't try to make it a holiday.

The second one I was by myself with my DS with friends without kids and it was really, really lonely - they all would go out for dinner at 10pm when DS had been asleep for hours, and then DS would wake the house up at 5am. It seemed like whenever I wanted to go out with DS in the sling they'd all be hung over and sunbathing, or if I got settled on the terrace with DS on a blanket suddenly the rest of them wanted to go out and left me behind. I ended up going home early to save our friendship!! I think it was our lives diverging as well between childfree and me with babies, as well - and we were all working through the different expectations.

DSs are now 7 and 5 and we have had some brilliant holidays recently, so it does improve with time!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/10/2018 09:11

This is the side of mums net I am not that keen on. The irrelevant judginess and asking for more info that has no bearing on the situation. It doesn't matter where the dad is or why you're on holiday or how often you've been away.

If I went on holiday with a friend with a baby (or with any friend) I would be expecting to spend the majority of my time with what person. So if they have a kid I'd be expecting to spend most of our time doing kid friendly activities since its not possible to take a baby clubbing, jet skiing etc. If I really wanted my own time to do what I normally do, I'd be saying I'd like to go on holiday and let's do lunch together every day but at night I'd be doing my own thing for example. You brought up your concerns before you went on holiday and agreed what you'd both do, and now your friend has gone back on it. Most people would be lonely on holiday with a baby! Wanting some adult company isn't needy! Otherwise why would anyone go to baby groups etc.

Bottom line is your friend has changed her mind and refused to honour what she agreed with you beforehand and yes, that's shit, and most people would be annoyed

Agree with posters asking if you can go and do your own thing and try and make the most of the last few days. It's good youre managing to meet another friend. I'd just drop your friend the last few days if you need to, I don't think you owe her anything since you've already tried to speak to her about it