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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

About friend on holiday.

133 replies

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 06:28

Basically, I holiday to a particular place very often, i used to come here for 6 months of the year but I had a baby beggining of this year so only did 2 weeks in June, August and now.
June and August my mum was with me so it was enjoyable because I had help with the baby if I needed, always had someone to talk to and she's really good and babysat a couple of nights so I could go out with friends.
In August my friend was here too and asked if I wanted to go in October for 2 weeks, I said I wasn't sure as because it would just be me and the baby as my mum is away somewhere else, and that you (my friend) come here to get drunk every night and sleep into the late afternoon, and never leave the hotel in the day (we are self catering, so no entertainment in the hotel) so would maybe get a bit bored.
She promised me she wouldn't be like this, said she wanted a relaxing holiday to spend with me and the baby, and that we would do stuff in the daytime and she would just go visit other people she knows at night when I go back to the hotel to put the baby to bed and have a few drinks, but not get totally smashed.
So I said ok if you're sure then that's fine I'll come, and I told her I was just a little worried that i would be alone most days but she insisted it wouldn't be like this.
I have been here a week today, and every day she has slept until 12 or 1pm and then she goes for a nap at about 4pm because she's so hungover, we get ready to eat for about half 8/9 and then I take DD back for 11 cos that's when the loud music starts in all the bars. So basically I'm only seeing her 6 hoirs a day and most of those hours she's not very good company as she's hungover and just talks about all the boys who's given her attention.
Now I know it's her holiday too and she can do what she wants, and if she said this was what she wanted to do before we came i wouldn't have come.
I told her because i have the baby I can't be out at night but if we are going to do things in the daytime like go to the beach, boat trip etc etc then I would he fine with that.
The people staying here in the hotel are not very sociable either, sometimes someone will have a conversation with me but they just keep themselves to themselves.
AIBU to be a bit annoyed that my friend is doing the opposite of what she said she would do? I've been on my own with the baby pretty much all day everyday so not really having adult company and of course I love my baby but there's only so much I can talk to a baby who can't talk back Smile
I've spoken to my friend about it but she didn't seem to think there was a problem as it was "her" holiday and she didn't want to wake up to an alarm on holiday.
I told her if she had said it was going to be like this before we came then I wouldn't have come but she said the total opposite, she said sorry but to be honest I think she's more interested in spending her time with the boys who work here and I feel like she just used me as someone to travel with and to say she's not alone.
What do you guys think?
I'm just not really having great time and DD is extra needy so i can't even shower or eat in peace, which she isn't usually like this but we are in a foreign place so I understand. It just would be nice for my friend to entertain DD for 15 mins while I showered quick. I explained how difficult it is for me to get ready but she didn't offer any sort of help either. It's just pretty shit being lonely in a forgein country.

OP posts:
CwtchesAreTheBest · 08/10/2018 07:36

Your friend is no friend but you knew what she was like when you agreed to the holiday. I think you were very naive to believe she would suddenly change.
You will just have to make the best if it and learn to trust your instincts in future.

Ghanagirl · 08/10/2018 07:37

You are being completely unreasonable and needy.

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 07:40

Jingsmabucket I have brought with me a travel jumperoo type thing, I have a travel bouncer chair and the hotel have supplied me with a travel cot and I've brogubt some little toys (travel heavy lol) but for some reason she doesn't want them when I'm gettin ready. I genuinely don't know why because she loves her jumperoo at home and her toys. I think it's just because the place is unfamiliar so she wants to be close to me for safety. I can put her in her jumperoo and shower quick but I literally have to be quick.
MissGiddyPants yes, I have alot of holidays because I worked 2 jobs until 1 week before I gave birth and saved every penny, I also only book if I find a good deal and because I know some staff I can get the hotel for a little cheaper. So i had extra money and took advantage of veing on maternity leave. DD has enjoyed past 2 holidays because she loves the swimming pool but now the weather is a little colder the pool is very cold so I can't keep her in there for very long or at all, depending on the breeze. Also at home so is not this clingy, I can put her in her chair and sit her in the bathroom with me and she's fine. Just here she is not. As I said before I guess it's just the unfamiliar surroundings, because at home she absolutely hates public baby changing rooms, as soon as I lay her down to change her she cries. She's a funny baby lol

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 08/10/2018 07:42

YANBU.

You refused the holiday based on how you felt it would end up (and were right) but she convinced you it wouldn't be that way.

She lied to you and used you. I would leave her to it and ignore her.

Crankywitch · 08/10/2018 07:42

You're nbu. That's a hard situation, babies often get needy on holidays. I wish you could go home x

PositiveVibez · 08/10/2018 07:43

A cheap foldaway buggy would solve the issue of getting on and off the bus. Isn't that what most people take on holidays?

A needy, clingy, teething baby was never going to be a breeze on holiday.

You had your doubts before you went.

Hopefully you will trust your gut from now on.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 08/10/2018 07:45

God looks like some posters are jealous of all your holidays! Got no other excuse for the random vitriol and attacking of op.

Op - my friend lied and went back on our deal aibu?
Mn - where’s the dad? Why did you have so many holidays? Why didn’t you work before you had the baby?

Jeez. Op yanbu obviously. She’s used you for some company on her terms when you explicitly said it would be different with a baby. If coming home early isn’t an option could you talk to some of the locals find out where the local baby groups are etc? Try to make it more bearable for you and baby.

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 07:46

@jagappa thank you for understanding.

@Ghanagirl unreasonable I can take... needy? Because I wanted someone adult company? Ok, I know I am not needy I raise my baby alone most of the time(with a bit of help from my mum, but others have partners is just the same) all I asked was 15 mins to entertain LO, or some adult conversation. If that makes me needy then so be it.

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 08/10/2018 07:47

@SofaKingFedUp would you be willing to try a baby sling and wear her so at least your poor arms can get a rest? Grin

NotANotMan · 08/10/2018 07:48

I don’t think I’d be reliant on others if I wanted to go on holiday with my own child

As a single mum with a small child you kind of have to write off holidays unless you have kind friends who care about you and are willing to put up with early nights and a bit of light helping with kid duties in order to spend time with you on holiday. That's what the op thought she had, she was mistaken. She's not to blame for trusting in her friend when she said she was up for it.

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 07:52

I didn't realise the amount of holidays I took and my job would be the bigger problem for people here lol it's fine, I'll know for next time.
@aaaaargghhhhelpme a friend of mine lives about an hour drive away and she's got 2 young children but she has a car, I've just spoken to her about half hour ago and she said she's going to drive over and stay a couple of nights. So that's good news for me hoepfully means I can enjoy a little more and DD will have someone to play with. (As much as babies can play lol)

@hidinginthenightgarden yes thank you, someone read what I actually said. I have made some plans now so I will try and enjoy myself without her.

OP posts:
ZoeWashburne · 08/10/2018 07:56

I do think you are being a tad needy. Your friend doesn't have a baby, and you don't need to be together 24/7. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on your friend. She is having a fun, child-free holiday, and you are having a holiday with a baby. They aren't that compatible, but for 6 hours a day you have crossover.

Do you have a sling? Or go get a cheap umbrella pushchair for the baby.

You can either be home in the UK alone with the baby, or in a nice setting with the baby. Why not just make the most of it?

I don't think you are being particularly selfish for wanting to spend more time with your friend, but you are being a bit of a martyr for sitting around the hotel room waiting for her, coming up with all the excuses in the world as to why you can't go out and play with your baby. It isn't her fault the water is cold. It isn't her fault your baby is clingy. Go do what you want to do, and meet up with her when she is available. Ask her to spend one day with you not hungover.

A lot of your resentment stems from waiting for your friend. Stop waiting for her. Make plans to meet her for lunch/ dinner, and then go out and do what you want to do with your baby- go to the markets. Go have a long lunch, go to a museum, go find a nice place in a park and bring a blanket.

Your friend isn't a mind reader. If you want 15 minutes to shower say "Friend, please can you to hold baby so I can shower. thanks". And you can have plenty of adult conversation in the 6 hours you are together. Just steer the conversation to what you want to talk about. Use one of those adult conversations to say "I'd like to spend some time with you when you're not hungover. Do you think we could do a day out somewhere?"

I do think you are feeling sorry for yourself because you expected your friend to be with you 24 hours a day.

PrincessTwilightStoleMyToddler · 08/10/2018 08:05

That sounds rubbish OP. I think your “friend” has behaved really badly there tbh. Making the best of a bad job, is there any way you can directly ask her, in very short, simple words, to please watch DD today while you shower? You shouldn’t have to ask but if she is being dense enough to think her sodding off most of the time is ok then she clearly isn’t giving any consideration to you. Good luck.

crimsonlake · 08/10/2018 08:07

I get it, you are lonely most of the time and the holiday is not turning out as your friend promised. All you can do is learn from it, never go away with your friend again. Try and make the most of it, surely you can shower when the baby is asleep and eat whilst the baby is beside you with something to distract them. Try and enjoy the weather and location for what it is, or as has been suggested simply come home early.

ThanosSavedMe · 08/10/2018 08:07

Yanbu at all. It doesn’t matter how you’re paying for all these holidays or how you managed to spend 6 month of the year there when you were younger.

Your friend asked you to go on holiday, you said no and gave the reasons why. Your friend said it wouldn’t be like that. She lied, it’s exactly like that and you’re asking if your unreasonable. No you are not.

There is nothing you can do about this now but you know never to trust her again and not go on holiday with her again

llangennith · 08/10/2018 08:07

Wind your neck in Zoe

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 08:12

@ZoeWashburne I am used to being alone, before I had DD I always used to do my own thing. At home with DD I take her out etc alone.
I am not sittin in the hotel room waiting around for her. I am taking the baby out I have taken her for a walk every afternoon, every day I take her to pool. I do not need her to be with me 24/7 actually I wouldn't like that, but what I said before I came was I was looking forward to adult conversation because past few weeks before I came I didn't have it cos people were busy etc.
If the time she was with me was enjoyable then I wouldn't have a problem, when I try to talk or change conversation subject she talks over me, she picks up her phone when I am saying something and has to ask me what I said again cos she wasn't listening.. She wasn't like this before, it's like she's changed completely. Usually her sister is with us and I think she acts different around her sister (she is the sensible one I guess) cos the person I am on holiday with now is not the person I usually spend time with. She is doong something I disagree with (sleeping with someones boyfriend, and then being friendly and socialising with girlfriend) so when she talks about this I don't really know what to say other than what I have already said. I don't agree with it. And most of the time when I am.talkibg to her, her replies are short because she's hungover.

Maybe I am expecting too much of her. It's just I was promised something before we came and it's not what I've got. I tried to make sure she knew what I expected and I tried to make sure I knew what she expected but I guess it is too much to ask of someone who doesn't have a baby.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 08/10/2018 08:12

I’m going against the grain here you wanted your friend to come to act like a babysitter like you’re Mam was when you went on holiday. I also agree with her why should she not enjoy sleeping in or having a drink? She doesn’t have a child to see to and it’s only responsible for herself. Things chance when you have kids holidays child when you have them it’s just what happens speaking as a mum of three.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2018 08:12

YANBU at all, and there is nothing wrong with wanting holidays when you have a baby. Or in expecting a friend to have at least some consideration for you - even if it was only a matter of looking after your DD for 15 minutes while you shower.

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/10/2018 08:16

YAnBu, she's used you. Sorry OP but at least you know not to trust her in future. Glad you've got a friend coming over, enjoy the rest of your holiday.

LakieLady · 08/10/2018 08:16

Your "friend" is selfish and unreliable. Chalk it up to experience and never go on holiday with her again.

SofaKingFedUp · 08/10/2018 08:16

Thanks everyone, I am going to try and just get on with it and go ahead and do things without her. I have a boat trip planned and a friend is driving over so hopefully this last week will be more enjoyable
For the record of my previous comment, I should say I didn't know that she was involved with a guy who had a girlfriend..So for this I'm also disappointed with her. But it's her life she can do what she wants I guess

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 08/10/2018 08:18

YANBU. It's pretty simple to me, your friend promised not to sleep all day, she knew you didn't want to go on holiday and not have adult company for much of it. She went back on her promise. If you'd known she'd do this you wouldn't have gone. She knows this too, and she's taking the piss. At least you know not to take her at her word next time.

MarthasGinYard · 08/10/2018 08:20

Is your friend out on her own every night then Confused

I think you wanted a stand in for your mum on holiday. That wasn't to be.

Findingdotty · 08/10/2018 08:22

YANBU to be disappointed in your friend. Just chalk it up to experience though and don't repeat the mistake again.