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Original poster

Wedding Blues

122 replies

LoretoGirl · 07/10/2018 10:35

I have written about how upset I am about my wedding on here before and was absolutely flamed which I totally got.
I was criticised for not clearing the date with my family with the result my Sister-in-Law couldn’t come as her best friend was getting married on the same day and while my brother is coming he will leave after the meal to join my sister-in-law.
I wanted my niece to be my bridesmaid but was told this wouldn’t be possible as SiL would be too stressed getting her ready. I followed advice on here and suggested that my brother would no longer be an usher and look after niece. He feels that while it’s sad that niece won’t have moment in the sun he wants to be able to enjoy his only sister’s wedding without having to stay sober and babysit. ( He is a doctor and a completely hands-on father - saying this as he was criticised on previous thread) He feels that when it’s time to leave it would be too difficult.
There was never objections to my 10 year old nephew being there but on reflection they don’t want him there either as the ‘logistics’ will be difficult.
My dad spoke to my sister-in-law about timings etc. It turns out she could attend my ceremony but isn’t willing to miss the prep for friend’s wedding and will not contemplate leaving that wedding to come to mine in evening.
What is worse is they would prefer if I didn’t extend invitation to cousin’s two kids who are close to my niece and nephew in case they talk about wedding. All talk of my wedding is banned in front of kids!
I know I should have cleared date but feel no one is meeting me half way. Sister-in-law on the only time I have seen her without kids said she was sorry but it was all so ‘unfortunate’.
My niece and nephew will now be at home with an au pair rather than celebrating one of the most important days of my life. My parents are devastated.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 07/10/2018 10:37

I didn't see your other thread; is it really not possible to move the date?

PurpleFlower1983 · 07/10/2018 10:38

Change your date. A wedding shouldn’t be thus stressful!

GreenTulips · 07/10/2018 10:39

Why can't DB bring the kids and then get a taxi to drop them home while he moves on to wedding 2?

Or you could just elope - much easier and no one to please but yourself

Holidayfromreal · 07/10/2018 10:40

I can see why you're upset. Can't the aupair bring the children even if just for an hour or 2 ? I actually think your SIL is being unreasonable by not trying to make a solution and just saying this is what I am doing like it or lump it. It might be her best friend but it's also her husband sister does he not get any say in thus?

loobylou10 · 07/10/2018 10:44

Can someone else in the family not take responsibility for N and N in the day and let them attend?

AuntBeastie · 07/10/2018 10:45

Couldn’t you change the date of the wedding? Presumably you hadn’t made many plans before finding out about the date clash so how much is there to rearrange?

My best friend got married recently and I really couldn’t have contemplated leaving her wedding at any point of the day to attend one I had subsequently been invited to. It would have been really awful to do so. So I can see why your SIL isn’t being flexible in that regard.

Could the au pair bring the kids to the wedding if you really can’t move the date?

I know you want people to meet you halfway but it’s not a situation with easy compromises, and you have put them in this situation which means they probably feel less responsibility for resolving it.

loobylou10 · 07/10/2018 10:45

They seem to be being drama llamas for the sake of it.

Mummyundecided · 07/10/2018 10:46

A wedding shouldn’t be this stressful. Your SIL can’t come - it’s her best friend’s wedding the same day, booked before yours. I also get where your DB is coming from. It’s up to them if their kids miss it because they can’t go themselves. If your parents are devastated, could they have the children the night before and look after them the day of the wedding?
To be honest, if it’s causing this much upset to you, and it’s that important to you, could you not move the wedding date? How far away is it?
The only thing that sounds a bit unfair is them asking you not to invite their cousins. Of course you should invite them! You can invite who you like. I’m not sure kids really talk about weddings that much to be honest. It largely seems to be adults who are hung up on them.
How old are the children?

SplishSplashSplosh · 07/10/2018 10:48

If its not possible to move dates, why can't your SIL be at her friends wedding and your DB and kids stay at yours?

Regardless of whether you should have cleared the date or not, you are family and it's understandable that you would want your DB and kids there on your day for photos etc.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/10/2018 10:51

If you can't change the date of the wedding you need to just make the best of things. If you want to invite the cousins kids do so, it's not up to your extended family who you invite.

tenbob · 07/10/2018 10:52

Your SIL is being a pain for the sake of it but in all honesty, if your niece and nephew don't come, it won't make a bit of difference

It might feel awful now that they won't be there to share your day but you'll look back on it in a few years time and it won't even register

If you move the date, you're giving in to someone being a madam and that NEVER bodes well for the future

ZenNudist · 07/10/2018 10:54

I don't quite understand why when the news about the date clash came out you didn't just change your wedding date.

I think if I were you I just move the date. All this other stuff about not inviting children you want to invite or not being allowed to talk about it is ridiculous. But I think SIL has a point that the situation is unfortunate.

Are you and your brother not close? I am not close to my siblings but would have taken their views on board when planning an event i wanted them to attend.

ProfessionallyUnoffended · 07/10/2018 10:55

Sorry, I have not read previous thread either but I have same question as a pp, can't your parents assist to oversee the two grandchildren? One is 10 and presume the other not a baby so can they really be that hard to "look after" especially if they are off having fun with their cousins. Also presumably your db, their dad, won t be drinking into oblivion? They sound awkward and I feel for you

NoooorthonerMum · 07/10/2018 10:57

Of course you should be able to invite the other kids and discuss the wedding. I think your brother is being a bit ridiculous about not "babysitting" (his own kids!) at your wedding. That's what family weddings are all about! Surely your parents and other family will be on hand to help too?

I think SiL should be free to go to her best friend's wedding, do the prep etc. and the kids and her brother should stay at yours.

CoughLaughFart · 07/10/2018 10:58

Why can’t your parents just bring their grandchildren to the wedding? That way your sister-in-law can go to her friend’s wedding and your brother can join her later as planned.

Although if I’m honest, I think your sister-in-law is the type who wants it all her way. She doesn’t want her children to go without her; she even wants to dictate the guest list to make sure they don’t hear about it! I would get the whole family together and be very firm about saying that, while the date clash is indeed unfortunate, you are not going to be told how to organise your own wedding and who to invite because of the wedding of someone who is, to you, a stranger. Ask for a valid reason why, if this woman is so important to your sister-in-law, she can’t attend her wedding without her children. It seems she’s more bothered about the impression she creates at her friend’s wedding than the rift she could cause in your family.

Whisky2014 · 07/10/2018 10:58

No, the SIL isnt being a pain. She already accepted her best friends wedding invite! No one in their right mind would leave after the morning getting ready with their friend to go to another wedding just to go back to the friends wedding again.

Ffs op just accept it and stop making it an issue.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/10/2018 10:59

I'm guessing they had booked the venue on that date

IVflytrap · 07/10/2018 10:59

Invite the au pair, plus the kids?

Tahani · 07/10/2018 11:03

The issue is not the sil missing the wedding, it's all the other stuff about the dc and not being able to talk about it

If your parents are devasted because the dc won't be there, then why don't they bring them? Or maybe the au pair could?

If it's easy to change the date, maybe look at that, but otherwise just let sil crack on

trojanpony · 07/10/2018 11:05

I really don’t see the fuss.

Either move the date if possible or work with what you have...

SIL is being unreasonable (whatever the reasons which may/may not be valid) and your brother is being a bit Hmm here too.

Your brother should bring the au pair to the wedding, your niece can be a flower girl and au pair can look after the kids in the afternoon/evening and SIL can do her own thing for the day.

Whatever happens def invite your cousin’s two kids - they cannot and should not dictate your guest list

CoughLaughFart · 07/10/2018 11:19

I somehow missed that the au pair was having the children. So sister-in-law isn’t even taking the kids to her friend’s wedding and she still wants to dictate whether they go or not?!

She’s making a point - and making it all about her. She’s in a strop that you didn’t ‘clear the date’ and absolutely fuming that, now you know, you won’t replan your wedding to suit her. Therefore she’s doing her best to spoil it in some way.

MadeForThis · 07/10/2018 11:24

Do t let your wedding plans be ruined by a couple of guests not making it.

SIL has a valid excuse for not coming. It's up to your db and her what they do with their dc.

If they all came down with horrendous d and v they night before the wedding they wouldn't make it either.

The wedding would go on.

Not mentioning it in front of the kids is ridiculous.

InstagramPork · 07/10/2018 11:25

Sorry but I don’t think SIL is being unreasonable. It’s her best friend so I’m assuming she’s a bridesmaid? She had plans before you picked a date and had made a commitment to be there for her friend.
No reason why your DB couldn’t come to your wedding on his own and bring his own children FGS. He’s being the unreasonable one! Also I would be so hurt if my brother left half way through my wedding to go to his wife’s friends wedding.
He should stay. I’m sure it won’t kill DB and SIL to party separately for one day.

All that being said... Personally I would move the date.

Stonebake · 07/10/2018 11:29

I would also just move it. This sounds like a total pita for everyone and some people are going to have less lovely memories of your day as a result.

MidnightAura · 07/10/2018 11:30

Haven’t seen the original thread.

Why can’t your brother bring his children to the wedding? Your SIL has another wedding and that’s fine but she cannot dictate that so and so can’t come in case her kids hear of it. You aren’t the one making your parents devastated if the kids miss the wedding. That’s surely down to your brother and SIL?