Wedding Blues

[LoretoGirl]

I have written about how upset I am about my wedding on here before and was absolutely flamed which I totally got.
I was criticised for not clearing the date with my family with the result my Sister-in-Law couldn’t come as her best friend was getting married on the same day and while my brother is coming he will leave after the meal to join my sister-in-law.
I wanted my niece to be my bridesmaid but was told this wouldn’t be possible as SiL would be too stressed getting her ready. I followed advice on here and suggested that my brother would no longer be an usher and look after niece. He feels that while it’s sad that niece won’t have moment in the sun he wants to be able to enjoy his only sister’s wedding without having to stay sober and babysit. ( He is a doctor and a completely hands-on father - saying this as he was criticised on previous thread) He feels that when it’s time to leave it would be too difficult.
There was never objections to my 10 year old nephew being there but on reflection they don’t want him there either as the ‘logistics’ will be difficult.
My dad spoke to my sister-in-law about timings etc. It turns out she could attend my ceremony but isn’t willing to miss the prep for friend’s wedding and will not contemplate leaving that wedding to come to mine in evening.
What is worse is they would prefer if I didn’t extend invitation to cousin’s two kids who are close to my niece and nephew in case they talk about wedding. All talk of my wedding is banned in front of kids!
I know I should have cleared date but feel no one is meeting me half way. Sister-in-law on the only time I have seen her without kids said she was sorry but it was all so ‘unfortunate’.
My niece and nephew will now be at home with an au pair rather than celebrating one of the most important days of my life. My parents are devastated.

I’m with bridgetreilly.

Change the date is fast becoming cancel the cheque and as relevant

If the deposits are £9k the mind boggles at the total cost and it clearly can’t be changed at this point but OP your fiancé is right that you’re overly invested in and distracted by this sideshow and you’ll be happier when you remember your wedding is about you and your husband to be. Anyone else is a bonus.

Invite the cousins if you want to.

Your dad sounds very overbearing and is inflaming the situation. Tell him to butt out.

The issue here is your brother.

Yes, you should have checked with nearest and dearest before booking anything, but that is done now, and SiL is not to blame. She has also understood that - despite your DB already being invited to, and presumably having accepted the invitation to their friend's wedding - you db will still attend your wedding.

What I can't get my head round is the fact he won't bring his dc to your wedding, when they are invited. He is the one who needs to grow up, doctor or not. He is a parent. Part of that role is to look after your dc sometimes. It isn't even as if they are tiny - I should imagine the 10 yr old, in particular, is quite independent. Their Dad should be able to cope with getting them to where they need to be on the day of the wedding, and looking after them until into the evening, when he takes them home, and goes to join his wife at the other wedding.

Yes, you should have checked with nearest and dearest before booking anything

Why? Who actually does this? Certainly no one I’ve ever met.

To be honest everyone involved sounds a bit full-on and controlling. I initially thought the sister-in-law simply wouldn’t let the grandparents take her children to the wedding, but now it seems the OP wouldn’t be happy with that anyway. The brother would rather get pissed than take his own children to the wedding. Sister-in-law insists her husband misses his sister’s wedding so he can dance with her at another one (unless we’re really expected to believe he’s said ‘I need to dance with my wife at the wedding’ of his own volition 🙄). Father thinks he can ‘insist’ on the brother (a doctor with two children) attending.

OP - I think you all need to dial down the drama. If your parents are genuinely ‘devastated’ at their grandchildren not attending, let them take them and don’t worry about them spending your wedding day looking after them. It doesn’t take two people every minute of every day to do that - one of them is ten for heaven’s sake, not a toddler! He could easily entertain himself with his cousins. Which brings me on to the next point - tell the diva SIL that you’ll invite who you damn well like.

I agree, dial back the drama and others will follow your lead. It's unfortunate is your mantra
It's unfortunate your DB can relax and have a drink until the second wedding
It's unfortunate the DC may not be able to come and so be disappointed that their cousins will be there
If the DC do come, it's unfortunate your parents will have to divide their attention or just have the au pair there
But most of all practise saying "it's unfortunate that everyone got up set but let's move on and have a lovely wedding ..." and repeat, and repeat

I think your DB and SiL are meeting you halfway with your DB attending and their reasoning about the logistics and how their children might feel is reasonable. Even if your niece and nephew came you would hardly see them. They would spend most of the day being told to stand here or there, sit quietly, be in this photo, get out of frame for that photo, brush their hair, stop running, etc. Then, just as it gets to the bit where they can really run around a bit, they'll have to leave. The 5 year old will be exhausting for your brother and I can see why he might want to let his hair down instead, though I think this is the least reasonable of all the excuses and expectations. The 10 year old might have a good time if they are the right sort of child, or they might resent being made to dress up and behave in too grown up a fashion. But it would still be a matter of dragging them away as the party gets started and then them needing to go to somewhere other than their father. It does sort of sound like a nightmare from your DB's family's perspective.

We didn't "clear" our wedding date with anyone, maybe because ours was a rushed ceremony 3 weeks after we decided to marry but I don't think we would have thought to even if not. None of our siblings cleared their wedding dates with us either. So I don't find your not doing so some kind of sin. But with that comes the consequence that other people might not be able to attend and you just have to bear that with good grace.

I think this is just one of those things. If your brother’s family’s presence was so important to you, you should have at least floated the idea. “Oh, we’re thinking around the third Saturday in March” would have cleared this right up.

Because you didn’t do that, and imagined everyone would be free for your big day, you’re going to have to just put up and shut up. Your brother will be there for most of it, you’ll have a lovely day I’m sure. You’re getting married!

*Yes, you should have checked with nearest and dearest before booking anything

Why? Who actually does this? Certainly no one I’ve ever met.*

My brother did.

Do you care whether they're there or not? If yes, you should have confirmed that the date worked for them before paying a deposit. If no then just let them get on with it and do whatever works for them.

Either way, I think the least stressful option for you is just to tell them you'd love them to be there for whatever part they can but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Plan your wedding how you want it to be and if they're not there then so be it. I think you're being needlessly over dramatic about the whole thing.

If your parents are "devastated" why don't they take the niece and nephew ? The kids are their own grandchildren ffs. Easy fix.

While it is nice to have big family groups together, it doesn't always work out. Plenty of people have no children at the wedding. If one of the kids fell sick then it could be the entire family couldn't make it to the wedding.

I know it feels a bit different as your DBro & SIL are making a choice, but your entire happiness on the day shouldn't be affected by whether they are there or not. It's up to DB & SIL how they spend the day, and what is best for their children. Your parents may want all their grandchildren to be there, but they don't get to issue orders and insist.

It's done now. It's a bit of a let down, but get on with it.

However - who else you invite & talk to about it is your choice. Imagine if in a year or so you're looking at photos & your DN see them, are you supposed to pretend you never got married?

@CoughLaughFart because it is her DB that is refusing to take his own kids to the wedding if he would bring them then there would be no issue with inviting the cousins or talking about the wedding in front of them. This is all his choice

The op won't let her parents take the kids as she wants 'all their attention'. 😲🤨

We checked the date with immediate family, common sense

Come on, OP. You are being a tad overdramatic.

The worst thing to happen on your wedding day is your dear niece and nephew can't come. Your brother is coming to your wedding, your family is giving you attention. Just chill out. Your SIL and Db know their children- I can guarantee you will be on here complaining and upset when your DN/N tantrum in the middle of your wedding. Believe them.

FFS get some perspective. If these people were essential, and you couldn't have your wedding without them, then yes, you should have cleared the date (everyone I know checks dates with VIPs before setting it). But you didn't. Thats fine too, but you need to stop with this ridiculous martyr act that you are having to sacrifice so much to your evil SIL.

To me, it sounds like your brother is bending over backwards to accommodate you when they already had prior commitments. I agree with the other poster that everyone in this family seems really controlling. Wedding planning is stressful- and it is hard to think of anything else. But really, you are missing two young children and an inlaw. That is not a big deal, at all.

Enjoy your wedding and chill TF out.

@CoughLaughFart because it is her DB that is refusing to take his own kids to the wedding

Not getting your point (or the face). I said in my post above ‘The brother would rather get pissed than take his own children to the wedding’. But this doesn’t mean the behaviour of the rest of the cast is somehow acceptable by comparison.

yes, you should have cleared the date (everyone I know checks dates with VIPs before setting it).

Maybe the bride thought she might be the VIP to her own brother in this situation.

Your brother prefers to prioritise alcohol and getting drunk at your wedding over his own children? What a wanker. Does he have a drinking problem?

they would prefer if I didn’t extend invitation to cousin’s two kids who are close to my niece and nephew in case they talk about wedding. All talk of my wedding is banned in front of kids!

Whoever dictated this is a controlling arsehole, and I would have had no hesitation in shutting down that train of thought. Nobody would be getting away with this at my wedding. I'd make sure the cousin's kids were top of the invite list just to prove that point.

Maybe the bride thought she might be the VIP to her own brother in this situation.

That doesn't really work though as a piece of logic, does it? The whole point of checking it to establish if you're BOTH free.

We checked with our bridal parties and parents. Moved the theoretical date for my sister (also a bridesmaid) as she would have been anything between 2-6 weeks post birth (instead will be bringing my 2.5m old nephew).

She's important to me so I made sure she could be part of it. I am important enough to her that I would have assumed that if the conflict had merely been dinner with a friend, she'd have cancelled in my favour.

You either check people can make it or you suck it up if they have a prior commitment. Though I did seriously eyeroll when my aunt got her invite and called to tell me extensively how it interferes with her Christmas shopping plans!

Though to add all the following fuckery is ridiculous. That goes for au pairs, drinking, grandparents "attention" - the lot of it is overheated nonsense!

Looking back at it, actually, this weekend gone would have been our wedding if I hadn't changed plans for my sister. Thank God I did! I've spent the whole time knocked out by a virus.

Sorry if I've missed this and I have read the full thread, but if you were to change the date at the same venue, would you still lose your deposit?

I booked my wedding on the same date as my best friend and maid of honour’s other closests friend’s wedding. I didn’t know and when she mentioned it I offered to change the date straight away. She insisted I didn’t and instead left my reception early to go to her other friend’s wedding evening do. None of us got upset or have ever worried over it since.
If it’s possible to change the date I would. If not then SiL should be trying to at least attend part of your day!

Yes, you should have checked with nearest and dearest before booking anything

Why? Who actually does this? Certainly no one I’ve ever met.

I bet you'll find you do know people who have checked. It's pretty obvious to be that if there is someone who it is incredibly important they be at an event (so, I'd count parents, siblings and Best Man / Bridesmaids), then you check they've not already got something booked for that day before you pay any deposit.
Blimey, I checked when I got married yonks ago. These days it is much easier with all the methods of communication we have via mobile phones etc. Why would you not make sure when all it takes is a quick text or messenger or whatsapp group for most people

Your SIL should go to her friends wedding. Your brother should attend your wedding and supervise his children. They are his children so his responsibility. They are adults they can attend separate weddings and your brother does not HAVE to dance with his wife at the friends wedding. Your brother sounds like he is being selfish here. You are not a bridezilla to want your parents, especially your mums, attention on your wedding day.

The only thing your brother and sil have done wrong is ask you not to invite the cousins. That is ridiculous.

Not checking with immediate family about the wedding date before booking it is crazy. No, you don’t check with everyone on your invite list, but if you really care about someone being at the wedding you make sure they are available before booking the date.

Your brother is being incredibly generous to attend two events in the same day.

If you really want the niece and nephew there, what about paying for a sitter for them for the night to bring them to the wedding and stay with them for the evening. And just to be clear, you should be paying the sitter and transport costs because not checking the date is ridiculous.

It's an unfortunate clash but I think it'd be flogging a dead horse if you keep trying to resolve this or try and get them to compromise.

Your SIL, your DBro and DNs have made it clear how they want things to be. They have told you SIL won't be coming, DNs wont be attending at all and DBro will be coming for part of the wedding. That is up to them.
They do not, however, get a choice on who else gets invited and who doesn't. Invite your cousins and their kids. Make them bridesmaids and tiny little ushers if you want to. If SIL and DBro complain then politely inform them that your wedding was for you and your partner... they had a choice. You didn't forced them to make a particular choice and you haven't made them feel guilty about it. They cannot try and make you feel guilty for their decision either and they certainly have no right to ask you to exclude family members from your wedding based on their own lack of presence.

Thank you everyone. In real life my friends’ patience is wearing thin.
I am letting it go. My brother joining my sister-in-law at friend’s wedding is not negotiable. My niece and nephew’s presence will make my brother’s leaving difficult even with au pair and my parents there. While not having a drink problem s some suggested I do see how he wants to relax at my wedding.
So my niece and nephew will be at home alone with au pair from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. Extremely sad.
I am of course still inviting my cousin’s children but not giving them roles.
Thank you. Maybe it won’t matter to me on the day but I hope nobody asks me where they are. I will tell Dad he has to stop talking about my sister-in-law’s choices