Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Wedding Blues

122 replies

LoretoGirl · 07/10/2018 10:35

I have written about how upset I am about my wedding on here before and was absolutely flamed which I totally got.
I was criticised for not clearing the date with my family with the result my Sister-in-Law couldn’t come as her best friend was getting married on the same day and while my brother is coming he will leave after the meal to join my sister-in-law.
I wanted my niece to be my bridesmaid but was told this wouldn’t be possible as SiL would be too stressed getting her ready. I followed advice on here and suggested that my brother would no longer be an usher and look after niece. He feels that while it’s sad that niece won’t have moment in the sun he wants to be able to enjoy his only sister’s wedding without having to stay sober and babysit. ( He is a doctor and a completely hands-on father - saying this as he was criticised on previous thread) He feels that when it’s time to leave it would be too difficult.
There was never objections to my 10 year old nephew being there but on reflection they don’t want him there either as the ‘logistics’ will be difficult.
My dad spoke to my sister-in-law about timings etc. It turns out she could attend my ceremony but isn’t willing to miss the prep for friend’s wedding and will not contemplate leaving that wedding to come to mine in evening.
What is worse is they would prefer if I didn’t extend invitation to cousin’s two kids who are close to my niece and nephew in case they talk about wedding. All talk of my wedding is banned in front of kids!
I know I should have cleared date but feel no one is meeting me half way. Sister-in-law on the only time I have seen her without kids said she was sorry but it was all so ‘unfortunate’.
My niece and nephew will now be at home with an au pair rather than celebrating one of the most important days of my life. My parents are devastated.

OP posts:

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 07/10/2018 11:33

I agree with some previous posters. It's fair enough she had a previous commitment and couldn't make the date. And your brother possibly could have tried to do both depending on how far away the weddings were from each other and timings and logistics etc. I'd be very upset with him for not even trying. I doubt it will ruin his wife's friend's wedding if he pops out for a few hours to come to yours, but will really upset you if he's not there at all for yours so that would hurt me.

I really don't understand why the kids can't come to your wedding. Surely there are people between them who can help look after them for a while for example your parents. Why are they not allowed to attend even if they're not participating in the bridal party they could attend as guests. It won't be loads of effort to get them ready just a change of clothes and they have an au pair who could also help.

The demands that you don't invite cousins kids are ridiculous because I can't see any reason they arent letting their kids go, their kids were invited and it's just plain rude to offer an opinion on who other people invite or don't invite to a wedding. This is v unreasonable of them

OrcinusOrca · 07/10/2018 11:41

How soon is the wedding?

This sounds like too much hassle. I would let SIL do as she has suggested if she thinks that is best and her DH is on board. You can't really overrule her when it sounds like you created the situation by booking your date later.

We booked our date completely based around family and friends. Some are not in the UK for chunks of the year at a time, others had other weddings already to go to, the one thing we wouldn't budge on was making it in school holidays so I accepted my friend who was a teacher wouldn't be able to come. You can't please everyone but you have to decide what's most important, a date/time of year or having them all there. I got married at a time of year I didn't want at all but it was convenient and suited everyone. I'm glad we did it that way, a few years down the line.

theymademejoin · 07/10/2018 11:47

Haven't seen the original thread.

I've never heard of anyone clearing dates with family members. We told people when we were getting married. Family members told us when they were getting married. We were unable to attend one bil's wedding as it was abroad, we had a small baby (back in the day when maternity leave was only 4 months) plus I couldn't get time off in term time. We wished them well, gave them a present and they said they were sorry we couldn't be there and showed us the photos afterwards. No drama, no bad feeling.

Sil is not unreasonable in going to her friend's wedding. You seem perfectly accepting of that. However, the rest of it is completely unreasonable. There is no reason why your brother can't get your niece ready to be a flower girl and bring both children. There is no reason why other family members couldn't help with the kids at the wedding or he could bring the au pair along. It is utterly ridiculous and unacceptable to suggest that you shouldn't invite your cousin's kids or discuss the wedding.

It sounds like your db and sil are making a completely unnecessary drama of an unfortunate clash of dates. Ignore them. Invite your cousin's kids and carry on as normal in terms of talking about the wedding.

Celestia26 · 07/10/2018 11:47

If you can change the date I would do that.

If you can't, let your DB and SIL deal with their own family, and if that means them missing your wedding then that's up to them.

You can't make demands of people. They are adults and are able to decide what they want to do.

CoughLaughFart · 07/10/2018 12:06

*Sorry but I don’t think SIL is being unreasonable. It’s her best friend so I’m assuming she’s a bridesmaid? She had plans before you picked a date and had made a commitment to be there for her friend.

No reason why your DB couldn’t come to your wedding on his own and bring his own children FGS. He’s being the unreasonable one!*

No one is saying she’s being unreasonable for going to her friend’s wedding. What is massively unreasonable is expecting her husband to miss his own sister’s wedding to go with her and, even though she’s not taking her children with her, expecting them AND their cousins to miss it too!

CoughLaughFart · 07/10/2018 12:07

I’m amazed at the number of people who are saying ‘just move the date’. It’s not lunch or a few drinks after work!

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 07/10/2018 12:10

OP, what does your brother say? Does he know how your parents feel? And also that him leaving the wedding to go to the other one half way through (and stopping the children attending in whatever form) makes your wedding seem very much like the smaller or less important of the two, and the other one as the more important one overall to his own little family?

He may realise all that and be ok with it, but have you, as his sister, spoken to him about it and heard what HE wants (not what SIL wants?)

MidnightAura · 07/10/2018 12:30

I agree, I don’t know anyone who clears dates with members of the family. How does that work with large families?
We booked our wedding but changed the provisional date because it was a day my mum wouldn’t be able to do, but we never announced the first date so no one was none the wiser. My siblings got married and I got invited, I didn’t expect the date to be cleared with me first.

Oopsusernamealreadytaken · 07/10/2018 12:39

Sounds ridiculous. I would absolutely elope if my family were as dramatic as this

Furx · 07/10/2018 12:44

I came on to say EXACTLY what oops said

It shouldn’t be this hard. Fuck off somewhere and leave em all to it.

AuntieStella · 07/10/2018 12:56

Presumably DBro had also accepted the previous wedding invitation, but because it's sibling clash, he's arranged to dip out for some but then return for the rest of the wedding he originally accepted.

It is up to the parents to decide what works for their DC. And though it is totally unreasonable to try to control the guest list or seek to ban/minimise wedding talk I can see where they are coming from. And I do hope you will try to avoid it as a subject when the DC are present (they'll be lots of other opportunities)

I would look in to changing your date if this really matters to you.

If you don't want to, then you'll have to make the best of it. I suggest you just pause for a while, and let some of the heat go out of it. Then see if there is any way of making a pl, acceptable to DBro/SIL for their DC to attend. The problem sounds like DBro, from what's on this thread (didn't see previous)

yakari · 07/10/2018 13:04

I'd give it one go to change the date - but I didn't see the other thread and assuming that was the same advice and you've not changed the date already, it's either a significant date or your venue has no alternative dates.

So work with what you've got - 2 parents and an au pair. Sit the parents, DH and the InLaws and say let's come up with a plan. Then whatever is agreed at that point stands - no more stress, everyone knows what's happening, move on...

If they've got an au pair I really can't see why DB is there for the ceremony with the kids then leaves kids with au pair and heads to second wedding. And if he really can't get his head round that - sod them. Leave them out, invite whoever else you want and just ignore the bleating

PeakTrans · 07/10/2018 13:08

Personally I would accept SIL has committed to her friend's wedding. I think your DB is trying to please both you & DSIL so leave him to dip in and out. That he cannot be bothered parenting his children is not something you can control. As other's have said the obvious thing was for him to take the kids and utilise the au pair/his parents. He has chosen not to do that.

I would tell DB & DSIL that it's their choice not to invite their children but you cannot promise not to discuss the wedding infront of the kids as it's easy to skip up. I would also state you are inviting who you choose so will be inviting the cousins

bridgetreilly · 07/10/2018 13:08

This is all ridiculous and sil is being incredibly selfish. Fine if she decides not to come. DB should be bringing their children, and if that means he has to stay sober, so what? And sod that about not mentioning it to their cousins! You don't have to arrange your whole day around her.

Saltedcaramelcake · 07/10/2018 13:08

I haven't read any of your original threads about this so apologies if I'm missing something. I really don't get the issue and is mumsnet really suggesting the op moves her wedding for a clash with someone else's wedding who she doesn't even know???! Wow! Just wow!

There is a very simple solution, your sister in law goes to her best friend's wedding and your brother comes to yours with their children. If your sil is busy being bridesmaid she isn't going to want the kids with her anyway (although you mentioned an au pair so maybe they weren't going anyway?). Your brother could go to your wedding with the kids if he doesn't want to look after his own kids (that's another thread and a half) he could ask family to watch them or bring the au pair along.

I really don't get this not inviting other kids because they'll talk?? That made me laugh, I couldn't have given 2 shiny shits about family weddings as a child, there was a disco and cake that's about it, I didn't discuss my cousins/auntys wedding afterwards, it doesn't interest children!

Your sil sounds like a bit of a dick. If I was you I'd ignore her, invite my brother and kids and draw a line under it. If your brother decides not to go to your wedding well that's his choice, it's shit if he won't but you know where he stands. My sister in law (husbands sister) and partner had booked to go to Australia on holiday before we booked our wedding, We chose the date that worked best for us, she was away but that wasn't our problem. The sil decided to move her ticket and go out later, the partner flew out without her on the date booked so didn't come to the wedding. If s'il had decided not to move her holiday I wouldn't have cared, it was her choice.

You can't let something so ridiculous ruin your wedding. If people don't want to come to your wedding and feel they have more pressing engagements well they don't attend. It's unfortunate it's your brother but if you meant that much to him he'd be at your wedding, not his wife's friend's wedding.

HellenaHandbasket · 07/10/2018 13:09

Surely the issue here is the dad not wanting to 'babysit' so he can drink? Is there no happy medium so that he can both have a drink, and look after his kids like the majority of adults so that he can make his sister happy?

PeakTrans · 07/10/2018 13:09

Ps when is the wedding? As if it's soon surely the cousins and their parents know they are invited

littebigsheep · 07/10/2018 13:11

Love that so many posters think it's so easy to change the date! Lots of venues and suppliers now make you lose your deposit if you change the date.

I can't see why your brother can't just be at yours for the whole day with his dc? He's surrounded by family to help if he really feels that out of depth!

It's not his best friend and yes it's unfortunate but not the end of the world for him to back out of the friends wedding.

Sorry op

HellenaHandbasket · 07/10/2018 13:11

People are suggesting she moves the date because she is so stressed out at the thought of her niece and nephew not being there. And based on the previous thread where she really did think the SiL was unreasonable for not ditching her best mate's wedding.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2018 13:13

If the au pair can take care of the children at home, why can't she supervise them at your wedding?

Ginger1982 · 07/10/2018 13:15

Change the date.

We had our date booked (church, venue etc) and turned out DH'a uncle, who probably hadn't been to a wedding in decades, had another wedding that day. So we pushed ours back a month. No biggie. Surely you could do this?

Saltedcaramelcake · 07/10/2018 13:23

So she moves the date and then uncle les and Aunty Paula can't make it, God you'd have to book 5 years in advance to have everyone completely free!! Then you risk nana not making the date at all! You book a wedding date and then people either accept or decline. If they have other plans they either cancel/move the the existing plans or they don't go to your wedding.

The op brother has plans so doesn't want to go to his sister's wedding, his choice, very sad but his choice.

Whatsthisbear · 07/10/2018 13:36

I have never heard of the bride and groom having to check with everyone else that the day THEY want to get married is ok with with everyone else
If it’s the day you have chosen I don’t see why you should move it unless you desperately want SIL to be there. I also don’t understand why your brother can’t take his own children to your wedding and think it’s ridiculous that all talk of your wedding is banned in front of their kids. What a selfish pair. No wonder your parents are devastated and you are upset. Totally out of order for them to take the shine off your happy day op.

Gemini69 · 07/10/2018 13:41

Fuck your SIL and Family OP....

plan your Wedding without them... and ENJOY

Blackoutblinds · 07/10/2018 13:44

They had already accepted an invite to another wedding on that day.

Because you’re his sister your DBro is sucking it up.

I get where they’re coming from.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5