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Original poster

Wedding Blues

122 replies

LoretoGirl · 07/10/2018 10:35

I have written about how upset I am about my wedding on here before and was absolutely flamed which I totally got.
I was criticised for not clearing the date with my family with the result my Sister-in-Law couldn’t come as her best friend was getting married on the same day and while my brother is coming he will leave after the meal to join my sister-in-law.
I wanted my niece to be my bridesmaid but was told this wouldn’t be possible as SiL would be too stressed getting her ready. I followed advice on here and suggested that my brother would no longer be an usher and look after niece. He feels that while it’s sad that niece won’t have moment in the sun he wants to be able to enjoy his only sister’s wedding without having to stay sober and babysit. ( He is a doctor and a completely hands-on father - saying this as he was criticised on previous thread) He feels that when it’s time to leave it would be too difficult.
There was never objections to my 10 year old nephew being there but on reflection they don’t want him there either as the ‘logistics’ will be difficult.
My dad spoke to my sister-in-law about timings etc. It turns out she could attend my ceremony but isn’t willing to miss the prep for friend’s wedding and will not contemplate leaving that wedding to come to mine in evening.
What is worse is they would prefer if I didn’t extend invitation to cousin’s two kids who are close to my niece and nephew in case they talk about wedding. All talk of my wedding is banned in front of kids!
I know I should have cleared date but feel no one is meeting me half way. Sister-in-law on the only time I have seen her without kids said she was sorry but it was all so ‘unfortunate’.
My niece and nephew will now be at home with an au pair rather than celebrating one of the most important days of my life. My parents are devastated.

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 07/10/2018 13:53

Of course she doesn't have to check. But if you don't you can't then kick off that people may have other commitments.

This isn't a big deal. Either your brother grows up and looks after his own kids, or they don't come. Either is a perfectly acceptable result. Or if you are determined to have them all there then change the date.

Love that your SIL gets all the aggro for this when it is your brother throwing the spanner in the works.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/10/2018 14:21

SIL sounds a right diva

CoughLaughFart · 07/10/2018 14:51

Love that your SIL gets all the aggro for this when it is your brother throwing the spanner in the works.

The sister-in-law who is willing to let her children stay at home with an au pair and miss the wedding rather than sending them with their own grandparents, yet is so convinced they’ll be distraught at not going that, not only must it never be mentioned in their presence, their cousins must be struck from the invite list? Yeah - she sounds really low-maintenance and flexible Hmm

AnotherPidgey · 07/10/2018 15:05

The simple solution is for SiL to continue to attend the friend's wedding, and DB to come to yours with children and au pair. The au pair makes it much easier than it is for the majority of people. Attempting to ban other cousins is frankly ridiculous.

I once verbally agreed to go to a friends wedding about a year in advance, then shortly after, my DB announced his wedding date which clashed. The weddings were too far to be able to go to part of both. I ended up sending appologies to the friend and explained. Had DH have wished to go to the friend's over his BiL, that would have been fine with me. It was one of the few circumstances where I would renage on such a promise and it was at a fairly early stage of planning.

Sometimes you simply can't set a date that is mutually convenient to all.

Original poster
LoretoGirl · 07/10/2018 15:10

Thank you all for your comments; I am having an easier ride this time than when I originally posted.
To answer questions The children will be 5 and 10 when I get married.
Last time it was felt that I was unreasonable to not have cleared the date with my family but friends have never cleared dates other than one who waited until brother came back from abroad.
I had paid £9,000 in deposits when I was told this. If I was prepared to lose this it would be at least anothe 6 months before we could tie the knot. I have spent 8 years of my life training for my job and quite frankly want to get on with my life now.
My brother is lovely (and so is his wife) and we are close. It is as they say ‘unfortunate ‘ and my brother feels he is doing his best coming alone to ceremony and Reception.
They feel that it will be less hurtful to their children if they don’t come and less of a logistical nightmare. They feel that 10 year old will be pissed off at having to leave as the party is starting and 5 year old will be both pissed off and upset especially if Daddy is leaving to go elsewhere. My brother wants to remain an usher and wants to relax at my wedding and be able to drink. I think asking their au pair won’t get around their reservations about kids being upset .
My own dad (according to my mother) said to brother “What if I insist you stay for your sister’s wedding?” To which he responded that he needed to dance with his wife at friend’s wedding.
I was flamed on last thread for not wanting my parents looking after my niece and nephew as I want their attention on my wedding day. I was called a Bridezilla! Do be it , that’s what I want.
I am really sad but I have shut up about it to my fiancé as I can tell that while pissed off with them he doesn’t see it as their fault and is beginning to get irritated with me for focussing on it!

OP posts:
Blackoutblinds · 07/10/2018 15:13

You are a bridezilla if you want all your parents attention on you all day and won’t let them mind your niece and nephew

mishfish · 07/10/2018 15:17

Can’t the au pair get them ready, bring them, look after them at the wedding and take them home to bed in the evening? That way your brother can be an usher and have a drink before getting a taxi to meet SIL?

CoughLaughFart · 07/10/2018 15:18

My own dad (according to my mother) said to brother “What if I insist you stay for your sister’s wedding?”

Would your brother not say ‘I’m an adult have a ten year-old child; you don’t insist I do anything’?

gamerchick · 07/10/2018 15:23

I don't see the issue. 2 less kids is a bonus IMO.

Let your bother off the hook. It doesn't matter. We only invited to 2 of the husband's siblings to our wedding (out of 5). It just isn't important.

What is important is you're marrying the person you love. The people there are just gravy. It's not all about that one day.

Going on about wanting your parents full attention does make it sound as if you've gone down the bridezilla hole tbh.

Popc0rn · 07/10/2018 15:23

I saw your original thread.

Your were 'flamed' because as I remember you initially made it out that your sister in law was choosing another wedding over yours, and then drip feed that it was her best friend's wedding which was on the same day, which she had already agreed to attend, that you hadn't checked with them about dates before booking it, hadn't mentioned to them about your niece being a bridesmaid before, and didn't inform them about the date after you booked it - they found out the wedding date through your parents.

You need to let it go now. Just one of those unfortunate things.

Awrite · 07/10/2018 15:28

For me, the real villain of the piece is your brother.

Sil is being a good, loyal friend. Fine.

Your brother though, is putting getting pissed ahead of you, your parents and his own children. Sounds like they want to go to your wedding. He should bring them.

Whether he/they stay all evening is another issue but he should definitely bring them.

You are angry with the wrong person.

HellenaHandbasket · 07/10/2018 15:34

You are being your own worst enemy. Your parents could look after the kids (not hard, they're not babies) but you don't want them too. Your brother could, but can't apparently because he wants to drink, and again...can't look after kids while doing so. And yet your SIL is the only unreasonable one?

Bellatrix14 · 07/10/2018 16:57

I think it’s a quite unfair (as some people are suggesting) to expect the Au Pair to look after the children for the majority/all of the day at the wedding. She’s not a nanny, I don’t think putting her in sole charge of the children at a family event, potentially full of people she doesn’t know, and where the youngest one is (from my experience) likely to get over excited and emotional is really in her job description...

InstagramPork · 07/10/2018 17:00

@CoughLaughFart I cannot see anywhere in the OP that the SIL has said any of that???
DB said he doesn’t want to look after the kids and wants to go to be with his wife at her friend’s wedding? She mentions they don’t want cousins invited or it mentioning in front of their own kids.. “they” as a couple could actually mean it was DB’s decision.

I think he is behaving badly. It’s his sister’s wedding he is refusing to look after his own kids at. He shouldn’t be leaving the wedding at all to go to a friend’s wedding.
The onus is 100% on him

ChodeofChodeHall · 07/10/2018 17:22

Your brother sounds like the unreasonable one here. He can't bear the idea of attending a wedding without getting drunk?

MidnightAura · 07/10/2018 18:11

I agree with that, they are his children, his wife has to be at another wedding so he will have to step up and look after his kids, what a hero! It’s not even like any other family will be there to help out... oh wait...

TwistedStitch · 07/10/2018 18:21

So you don't want your parents to look after your niece and nephew, your brother doesn't want to look after them himself, and for some reason this is all your SIL's fault?

CoughLaughFart · 07/10/2018 18:36

She mentions they don’t want cousins invited or it mentioning in front of their own kids.. “they” as a couple could actually mean it was DB’s decision.

Well then it could equally as easily mean it’s her decision. Why assume the sister-in-law is blameless?

GreenTulips · 07/10/2018 20:24

I was flamed on last thread for not wanting my parents looking after my niece and nephew as I want their attention on my wedding day

You'll have your husbands full attention as well as all the friends and relatives all day .... the kids can and are able to entertain themselves

Aprilislonggone · 07/10/2018 20:29

Bung the au pair a £100 bonus for taking the dc to the wedding.
Job done imo.

AlphaBravo · 07/10/2018 20:36

Change the date OP. Your wedding doesn't trump others who's were planned first. You're being a CF frankly to even moan at all.

Gemini69 · 07/10/2018 22:36

Don't change the Date... have your Wedding on whichever day you wish... Flowers

MissEliza · 07/10/2018 22:43

Unfortunately I think the db is being the asshole here. I can't imagine my dcs missing their uncle's wedding and I'd bend over backwards for my dd to be a bridesmaid. Please ignore it and don't let it spoil your day. I remember a family member was difficult about my wedding arrangements and it felt sooo important then but on the day I didn't even think about it. Enjoy your wedding.

bridgetreilly · 07/10/2018 22:55

My brother wants to remain an usher and wants to relax at my wedding and be able to drink. I think asking their au pair won’t get around their reservations about kids being upset. My own dad (according to my mother) said to brother “What if I insist you stay for your sister’s wedding?” To which he responded that he needed to dance with his wife at friend’s wedding.

Yeah, there we go. Your brother is the unreasonable one. If he wanted to be able to relax and drink at all future family parties, he shouldn't have had children. I still can't see why there's any need to upset the kids. He comes to your wedding and looks after his own children. Big deal. And if his wife absolutely can't be parted from him for a whole day, she could make the effort to come to your party in the evening and dance with him there if she wanted.

I basically think they are both more concerned about themselves than their children, who ought to be at their aunt's wedding.

Villainelle · 07/10/2018 23:02

Your brother needs to stop being such a selfish turd and sort the kids out himself. Just because he can't be arsed looking after his kids and wants to drink instead. Then the SIL gets blamed! FFS

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