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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told not to comfort toddler

133 replies

strugglingpuggle · 06/10/2018 22:04

Dd is 2.5. Was quite a bad sleeper, but now is a lot better and will generally put herself to sleep and sleep through. Today she is very over tired as she didn't have her afternoon nap.

Usual bath and bedtime. Story, said goodnight and off I went and she went to sleep. I went downstairs to join dh watching tv. 20 mins later, Dd starting crying. Left her for a few minutes (dh and I have argued in the past about me going to her too quickly So I do now try and wait to see if she will settle herself). After a few more minutes she was still screaming and seemed to be getting more distressed so I said I was going up to see what was wrong.

Dh flipped at this point, started shouting, kicked over a toy that was on the floor nearby and stormed off up to bed.

I went and saw Dd, she was upset, think it was a bad dream and after 10 mins of holding her and calming her down has gone back to sleep.

Dh is now not talking to me as said he's upset that I seemed desperate to get up to her and that I need to sort myself out and should of let her cry it out.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 07/10/2018 11:50

He sounds horrific. Redeeming features?

Batteriesallgone · 07/10/2018 11:54

You should have asked?

Why didn’t he offer?

He doesn’t sound like much of an adult OP. Incapable of controlling his emotions or making his own decisions.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/10/2018 12:00

He reckons you need to ask permission from him to go comfort your baby?

Who died and made him king of the household?

Does he ask you permission to parent your child?

DP and I have different parenting methods, he’d jump up immediately and go and comfort dd I’d give it a minute or so. I’ve never demanded he ask my permission to go and do what he instinctively needs to do when he hears his baby cry.

What else does he expect you to get permission from him to do?

Cookit · 07/10/2018 12:04

If my DP wanted me to leave my child crying hysterically on their own and flipped out when I wouldn’t I would end the relationship.
Does he have no compassion? He really doesn’t give a shit that a tiny child is alone crying and wanting help and can’t rationalise a bad dream and can’t calm themselves down?

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 07/10/2018 12:08

He's the one who spoiled the evening, not you.

He's the one who didn't go to comfort your child, not you.

He's the one who took a tantrum, not you.

He's the one who's deflecting blame, not you.

I guess you could add more things to the list very easily.

My youngest son, recently turned 8, still has bouts of night terrors\nightmares every so often, usually when over tired or coming down with some illness. We still go to comfort him when needed, don't even tend to wait 20 minutes as, after 17 years of practise with other children and we know he doesn't usually wake anyway, we can recognise which kind of crying he is making. And he rarely cries anyway so we know there's a problem if he does. You knew what your DD needed and your husband is preventing you fulfilling those needs. I think you have a husband problem, OP.

TwllBach · 07/10/2018 12:14

DS is nearly 2.5 and I go to him if he cries in the night. You have already said that you know the difference between him having a little whinge and going back off to sleep and him being in distress - you did the right thing and your DH needs to get a grip. You sound like a lovely mum, OP Flowers

SplishSplashSplosh · 07/10/2018 12:14

He sounds jealous that he has had to share your attention with your child.

ellendegeneres · 07/10/2018 12:24

My ds is 2, if he cries I wait to see what sort of cry it is then head in.
Most of the time he’s lost his dummy, but other times he’s really needed comforting and calming down.

His dad and I aren’t together but coparent well, so I know what happens at my home happens at his re our boy.

If my dp got annoyed at me for being a parent and comforting my child he’d be gone. No way would I tolerate what your manchild husband has behaved like.

FruitofAutumn · 07/10/2018 12:25

"our job is not to sleep train our children, it's to mother our children though the night"

Hmm well that's all very well for a stay at home mother.If you have to get up the next day to go to work and say drive a bus or be an air traffic controller, it is a different matter.The importance of good sleep is really important for everyone-child included

I don't think your DH is being 'jealous' for FFS, a more reasonable explanation is that you have EVENTUALLY developed reasonable sleeping habits in your child and he does not want that to slip.

Littletabbyocelot · 07/10/2018 12:53

My mum was the baby in this scenario. My grandfather made my grandmother wait 20 minutes to go check on her. When she did my mum was covered in blood as the nappy pin had come lose and stuck in her thigh. This was the 1940s, my grandfather was the Head of the Household and cry it out was cutting edge science. None of that is true any more.

As a result my grandmother made my mum promise never to do CIO.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 07/10/2018 12:57

What a complete arse.

catshart · 07/10/2018 13:10

@Littletabbyocelot that's really sad Sad

Goldmandra · 07/10/2018 13:16

He sounds jealous and unable to cope with not being your first priority any more.

Please don't allow him to control whether you comfort your own child. Your gut feeling is a good guide so listen to it.

You are not responsible for checking his intentions before going to your own child, for his behaviour, for his emotions or for the quality of his evening.

His explanation is ridiculous. He needs to grow up and start acting like your DD's parent, not her jealous brother.

Stand your ground and do not allow him to make you neglect your own child in a vain attempt to win his approval.

mostdays · 07/10/2018 13:17

He's a horrible person and I would tell him so.

I have 3 dc. I have never left them to cry and I went back to work at 9-10 months with all of them so have no time for the "working parents must sleep train" claptrap. If leaving your child to cry works for you, fine, but everyone who has ever told me I must do that to my child has had short shrift. It's not what I do. Neither do I give sympathy and understanding to parents who are doing it and want me to listen to them whinge about how hard it is on them and to tell them they're doing the right thing. I don't think it's the right thing and your baby is the one I have sympathy with!

Creatureofthenight · 07/10/2018 13:20

@albert92 children have emotional needs as well as physical, they need parents during the night as well as during the day.

SuperstarDJ · 07/10/2018 13:23

What a nasty person your DH is. You wouldn’t ignore a crying, frightened, upset adult that you loved so why do some people think it’s acceptable to do so to a young child?

Bobbybear10 · 07/10/2018 13:56

I can tell you exactly what you should do.

Walk up to DH, say these words ‘you are a dick, you’re a fucking man-child who is a bully and controlling. I want you to leave, if you won’t go I will pack up baby and myself and go to parents/other family/friends/hotel/inlaws, I then want a divorce’

It will only get worse as time goes on.

When you have been on MN a while you see pretty much the same situations and every single time it has got worse. The OP stays thinking it will get better/he will change/it’s not soooo bad, they post a few times over the months/years and eventually have a gut full, realise how much of their life they have lost and how unhappy they are, how their self esteem and self worth has been stolen from them, then they leave after irreparable damage to themselves and their children.

Please don’t let it get to that point.

redastherose · 07/10/2018 14:00

Your DH is the one at fault and is blame shifting onto you! I have a feeling from what you've said that he expects to come first all the time and doesn't want anyone, not even his own daughter, to have a greater call on your time and attention. I think you have much bigger problems under the surface than just this issue!

Think whether his words and his actions match. Often with men like this they say the right things but their actions are the opposite of what they say and his actions here scream that you were supposed to be spending the evening pandering to him and he spit the dummy out at having to share you with your daughter! This is fairly blunt but was it because he was expecting you to have sex and sulked because you wouldn't leave her to scream?

Gersemi · 07/10/2018 14:18

If he was that keen on being the one to see to your daughter last night, has he explained why he didn't offer? All he needed to do, when he saw you getting up, was to say "Don't worry, I'll go in a minute". Instead of witch he had a toddler tantrum.

I also don't understand how he makes out that you spoilt the evening. Whichever of you went to your daughter, it would have been interrupted. What spoilt it was that tantrum.

TenForward82 · 07/10/2018 14:48

My DH is definitely "stricter" than me, worrying about "bad habits", etc, but he would never behave like this. A number of times I've stood up and he's said "It's OK, I'll go."

Your DH is an ass. I wouldn't want him around my child.

And @FruitofAutumn, out of interest, do you have children?

ohfourfoxache · 07/10/2018 15:41

He is a nasty bastard.

You, and more importantly your dd, deserve better.

Cheby · 07/10/2018 15:52

Echoing the calls to LTB here. Does he love your DD? Because it doesn’t sound like it. You both deserve better.

Cheby · 07/10/2018 15:59

fruitofautumn
Hmm well that's all very well for a stay at home mother.If you have to get up the next day to go to work and say drive a bus or be an air traffic controller, it is a different matter.The importance of good sleep is really important for everyone-child included

I’m not a SAHM. I work full time in a senior role. I’ve still looked after both of my DC through the night. Including nightfeeds well into their 3rd year. There are days when I am tired, sure. But I’ve managed to keep it together, been promoted since having kids. I’m not a bus driver or air traffic controller but I do need to use my brain and be on the ball. It’s perfectly feasible to do this without inflicting CIO or CC on your kids.

SoyDora · 07/10/2018 16:14

Of course ignoring them works albert92. It makes them realise that it doesn’t matter how upset/scared they are no one will come, so there’s no point crying. Not what I want for my children.
My 4 year old still has nightmares occasionally and I go in and comfort her. A cuddle, some reassurance and she goes back to sleep. She’s happy that there is someone to comfort her when she’s upset.

SoyDora · 07/10/2018 16:15

Oh and I do happen to currently be a SAHM, but DH works long hours in a very senior role and he comforts them in the night too. Still manages to succeed at work despite occasionally having to cuddle a child after a nightmare for a couple of minutes every now and then: