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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told not to comfort toddler

133 replies

strugglingpuggle · 06/10/2018 22:04

Dd is 2.5. Was quite a bad sleeper, but now is a lot better and will generally put herself to sleep and sleep through. Today she is very over tired as she didn't have her afternoon nap.

Usual bath and bedtime. Story, said goodnight and off I went and she went to sleep. I went downstairs to join dh watching tv. 20 mins later, Dd starting crying. Left her for a few minutes (dh and I have argued in the past about me going to her too quickly So I do now try and wait to see if she will settle herself). After a few more minutes she was still screaming and seemed to be getting more distressed so I said I was going up to see what was wrong.

Dh flipped at this point, started shouting, kicked over a toy that was on the floor nearby and stormed off up to bed.

I went and saw Dd, she was upset, think it was a bad dream and after 10 mins of holding her and calming her down has gone back to sleep.

Dh is now not talking to me as said he's upset that I seemed desperate to get up to her and that I need to sort myself out and should of let her cry it out.

OP posts:
Lalliella · 07/10/2018 09:10

You have 2 toddlers. I know which one I’d be leaving to cry it out.

Gersemi · 07/10/2018 09:12

What an utter pillock. There is a difference between the cry of a child who wants attention and the cry of a distressed child. If he can't work that out, I suggest he books into parenting classes.

The irony is that his shouting, kicking things and stropping off was blatantly a demand for your attention. He doesn't seem to have advanced too far beyond toddler stage himself.

Missingstreetlife · 07/10/2018 09:14

Maybe not jealous but didn't have a comforting parent himself. Sounds like v strict values which could tip over into neglect or abuse. He needs to sort it out, maybe parenting classes?
I had a friend whose 5 year old kept waking early. A rigid rule of no talking or getting up before mummy is awake led to a wet bed. Not helpful. Yes you need to not let them rule your life, they need boundaries, but flexbility and kindness too.

Original poster
strugglingpuggle · 07/10/2018 09:19

I don't run if dd whinges in the night, as sometimes she does moan. But this was distressed crying but dh doesn't seem to be able to distinguish the difference.

Not sure where he gets his advice from, it's just how he feels. His mum is the kindest person I know so its not from there. His dad does have some issues but again I don't thi k he would leave a child crying.

OP posts:
BabarKingoftheElephants · 07/10/2018 09:20

I'd be tempted to show him this thread and so he can see how his behaviour comes across to strangers. However in his head, he is right and you and your poor baby are wrong, so probably would not help.

albert92 · 07/10/2018 09:22

Honestly ignoring them works ! Sounds awful but my son used to cry and I left him and every night the time for shorter and shorter until he slept all night, unless they want a bottle or changing they are only crying for attention so your comforting them for no reason z

Booboostwo · 07/10/2018 09:27

So you’re supposed to indulge a grown man’s tantrum but ignore the needs of the toddler?

Bananamanfan · 07/10/2018 09:28

Ignoring babies/toddlers may stop them crying, as they realise that no-one will come. If that's what you mean by 'works' albert

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2018 09:32

Ignoring small children teaches them no one is coming to comfort them - the distress remains, they just don’t cry.

Most people here would say it was it’s awful to leave an adult to cry so how can it be ok for a child who is unable to properly articulate themselves?

Frlrlrubert · 07/10/2018 09:38

I can see if you were helicoptering before that would be annoying, but you need to move to the middle ground, not off the other end of the scale.

DD sometimes wakes and whines, we leave her but if she's properly distressed, standing up, or shouting for us we go in.

Similar if she falls we shout 'you ok?' Rather than rushing straight over, if she's not then we go over.

I couldn't be with someone who actually wanted to leave a child distressed like that. What does it teach them except that you don't give a shit?

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/10/2018 09:40

This made me cringe. My DD was an awful sleeper - she still cries out in her sleep & sometimes needs us. I'd be really cross with DP if he told me not to comfort her. We have a young DS now & DP hears him whimper before I do - and he is the first to go & check him.

It sounds like yours is jealous. Does he/would he leave her to cry indefinitely if you weren't in??? That's cruel imo. I don't like CC/CIO because I disagree with the whole 'crying for attention' at night. She went to sleep initially, so clearly wasn't 'trying it on' fgs.

I'd be telling him straight tbh. Him not agreeing with your method is one thing...getting aggressive about it is a whole different issue

Villainelle · 07/10/2018 09:46

@albert92 heaven forbid a 2 year old should be given comforting and attention Hmm

Original poster
strugglingpuggle · 07/10/2018 10:30

So after talking this morning, dh has told me that he's upset that I didn't ask him to go and see to Dd and that if I had asked him to he would have waited a couple more minutes and then gone.

He has also said that I ruined the evening we would have had together, and this morning lay in by going to see Dd last night.

OP posts:
PavlovaFaith · 07/10/2018 10:39

Well actually he ruined your evening by having a tantrum.

SemperIdem · 07/10/2018 10:44

albert

I think it’s really sad that you think that such young children needing the attention of their parent is such a bad thing.

Feeding, cleaning and clothing a child are just the most basic requirements of parenting. I though most parents aimed for more than that.

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2018 10:46

unless they want a bottle or changing they are only crying for attention so your comforting them for no reason

Not all of a child's needs are physical. Feeling frightened or lonely and wanting a cuddle from a parent is a perfectly normal reason for a child to cry and I think it's pretty fucking horrible to deny them that.

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2018 10:59

So after talking this morning, dh has told me that he's upset that I didn't ask him to go and see to Dd and that if I had asked him to he would have waited a couple more minutes and then gone.

You need to remind him to use his words.

Sunshinegirl82 · 07/10/2018 11:11

Sorry OP but his explanation is bollocks and designed to make you think that actually this is somehow your fault. Last night he told you not to go to DD then had a tantrum when you disobeyed him. He didn't say, "give it two more minutes and then I'll go".

He's trying to pretend he was actually being super rational last night and you caused the problem. Unless what you wrote last night was a work of fiction that isn't what happened.

I would think very seriously about this relationship to be honest. He already has you feeling guilty for a perfectly normal parental response. Your DD is still tiny, it is completely normal to respond quickly to a distressed child.

I have never left my DS (2.3) to cry and nor will I ever do so as long as it's physically possible for me to get to him. Don't feel bad for feeling the same way.

ProfessorMoody · 07/10/2018 11:20

This would be a deal breaker for me. There's no way I'd be made to feel bad for comforting my own child, sorry. Huge, massive red flag.

I'd leave immediately but if you're going to stay, can you talk to his mother? Print out some articles about how damaging doing this can be to your child and give them to him? Bombard him with information about attachment parenting? Tell him that from now on you're going to co-sleep so he can find somewhere else to sleep?

ProfessorMoody · 07/10/2018 11:22

Oh and a little child can't have too much comfort. You're not "spoiling" them, or setting them up to be "naughty".

You're showing them that when they're scared, upset, poorly, worried, hungry, cross etc that their mother will ALWAYS come, instilling confidence, making the child more secure.

UpstartCrow · 07/10/2018 11:27

He is making a ridiculous demand; that you ignore your distressed child because it makes him feel distressed to be ignored.
One of the red flags is the way he kicked her toys. Ime that will escalate as time goes on. This isn't how a loving parent behaves when a child is crying.

It's possible that he was left to cry it out as a baby, and as a result becomes distressed about being left or ignored. But if that's the case then he needs to deal with it like an adult; and not do the same thing to his own child.

Charlie97 · 07/10/2018 11:29

Oh how unkind! As my son used to say .....cuddles are weapons against bad dreams!

That was really nasty of him, surely he realises that no one can stand between a mother and her upset child? Nor should they try!

Pissedoffdotcom · 07/10/2018 11:33

Gaslighting much??! How dare he turn that on you. And if he was 'upset' he should have said that in a grown up way...not kicked his frustration across the room. Let me guess, if your DD acts like he did he reprimands her?

RedFin · 07/10/2018 11:41

He sounds awful. He's making you doubt your parenting instincts and persuading/ordering you to leave your baby to cry.

I read something the other day, a motivational meme thing "our job is not to sleep train our children, it's to mother our children though the night" it's a bit twee but I think it's true.

I would really reconsider this relationship if I were you and consider how your dd will feel growing up with this abusive bully in her life. She will feel guilty for expressing her needs and emotions, you will either stop responding to her as you want to or you will face abuse each time you respond.

MiniCooperLover · 07/10/2018 11:44

So it's still all your fault? And you should have asked his permission to go to her? Nonsense.