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Original poster

Being told not to comfort toddler

133 replies

strugglingpuggle · 06/10/2018 22:04

Dd is 2.5. Was quite a bad sleeper, but now is a lot better and will generally put herself to sleep and sleep through. Today she is very over tired as she didn't have her afternoon nap.

Usual bath and bedtime. Story, said goodnight and off I went and she went to sleep. I went downstairs to join dh watching tv. 20 mins later, Dd starting crying. Left her for a few minutes (dh and I have argued in the past about me going to her too quickly So I do now try and wait to see if she will settle herself). After a few more minutes she was still screaming and seemed to be getting more distressed so I said I was going up to see what was wrong.

Dh flipped at this point, started shouting, kicked over a toy that was on the floor nearby and stormed off up to bed.

I went and saw Dd, she was upset, think it was a bad dream and after 10 mins of holding her and calming her down has gone back to sleep.

Dh is now not talking to me as said he's upset that I seemed desperate to get up to her and that I need to sort myself out and should of let her cry it out.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 06/10/2018 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
strugglingpuggle · 06/10/2018 22:27

Thanks everyone. Was beginning to doubt myself. I'd like to say this was a one off but unfortunately it's not.

OP posts:
moredoll · 06/10/2018 22:29

Why are you even asking if this is okay? How could it be?

If he has an issue with you comforting your 2 yr old he needs to try and work out why that is.

Thatstheendofmytether · 06/10/2018 22:29

Ok I get that maybe he doesn't agree to running up everytime she wakes up (although I always did and still do with my kids, dp says I'm daft to run into them everytime but he certainly doesn't get angry about it and mine are 10 and 4) but fucking hell, he's kicking things around the room and storming up to bed. Tell him to get a grip and grow up.

Saltedcaramelcake · 06/10/2018 22:30

My little girl is the same age, if she wakes up crying I go up to her (or my husband does) to comfort her. We've never done that controlled crying crap. A friend of mine will leave her kids for 2 hours to "train them". No thanks.

Your husband was being an idiot by his reaction, I'd have gone upstairs too and then told him to get stuffed.

Batteriesallgone · 06/10/2018 22:33

I’d never leave my kids to cry because if I was crying, and DH started attempting to assess whether my upset was worthy of his attention, I’d be livid.

Crying need comfort in my eyes. Whoever you are, however old.

Skittlesandbeer · 06/10/2018 22:33

Enjoy the silence, from both your toddlers.

And make a firm plan to discuss some of the issues raised in this thread with dh tomorrow.

I’d use the phrase ‘I think one stroppy tantrumming toddler in this house is quite enough. If you want to be on the same parenting page as me, with regard to bedtime decision-making, then start by acting like a grown up. Your opinion is hard to take seriously when you can’t control your emotions.’

Beeziekn33ze · 06/10/2018 22:36

DH was nasty. Was HE overtired after missing his midday nap?
Hope you can have a calm discussion about how wrong and childish his reactions were.

FruitofAutumn · 06/10/2018 22:38

It sounds as though you have had a lot of trouble with her sleepin and have finally got it sorted.I can kind of see where your dh is coming from in not wanting to set up bad habits again.

Very unlikely oit was a bad dream as you do not go into REM sleep until about 90 minutes after dropping off.

Children cry for a reason in my eyes

Yes , but that reason is off because they are pissed off at havin been put to bed!

Tistheseason17 · 06/10/2018 22:40

If it's not the first time, then perhaps it should be the last time.

You and your bubba deserve better. Kicking out is truly unacceptable.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/10/2018 22:41

Leave him to cry it out yep.

Sounds like you have one normal toddler behaving as would be expected at her age and one overgrown bratty toddler who is jealous of the attention you give her.

seriously though, he kicked a toy?!?

Madein1995 · 06/10/2018 22:42

I agree with pp, why is it ok, applauded even , to leave small children to cry without comfort. If a friend or partner did that to an adult, the adult would be pretty annoyed.

Children and babies cry when something's wrong, they need seeing to. Not saying it has to be right away , maybe just 1min to see if she settles herself is a good thing, but after that of course go to her. Your DH could fuck off. Actually i wouldn't be pleased with his attitude. So if you were away for work or out for the evening, he would let her cry and cry? That's not acceptable. Especially when he knows your feelings on it. It's actually cruel. Especially if she knows mum usually comes to soothe her - she might panic even more if no one comes.

I think you two need to have a big chat. The whole leaving her cry thing is an issue by itself and needs sortyjng and he needs to understand that just leaving the poor thing cry isn't acceptable.

But shouting and kicking a toy is also unacceptable. Does he usually have such a short temper and lose his rag over minor things? Your DD is s toddler, he isn't and should control his emotions. For one, how is DD going to learn that 'we don't tantrum' when she sees daddy doing it? Tonight wasn't in front of her but if he doesn't get a grip on his tempter next time it could be. He needs to set an example. But more than that, how dare he treat you like that op?

I'm really not meaning to come across as bossy, just supportive. Have a cuppa and try and relax op

MyCatIsBonkers · 06/10/2018 22:43

Yep he's jealous of a baby. He needs to grow the fuck up.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 06/10/2018 22:43

You waited a few mins to see if she would settle back down and didnt, hence you then went to comfort and settle dd back down... why is this an issue? He is being a total knobjockey for ranting and kicking toys etc for you doing what is a basic need of a child

SemperIdem · 06/10/2018 22:46

He’s a wanker

Lunde · 06/10/2018 22:46

He is a twat

Just leave DH upstairs and don't speak to him - after all he thinks you shouldn't go to a toddler having a tantrum - which is what he is doing right now .....

Inaminuteplease · 06/10/2018 22:47

@FruitofAutumn while most dreaming does occur in REM sleep it is actually possible to dream, or have nightmare whilst in NREM sleep too.

The most recent research conducted has found that actually, dreaming is in fact possible in all stages of sleep. So it is quite possible that the OP's little girl was having a nightmare.

Whether she was or not though, this does not excuse a grown man behaving in such an aggressive manor simply because the mother of his child had chosen to go and comfort their infant daughter.

BrokenWing · 06/10/2018 22:48

Assuming assuming she is his dd it is unnatural for him not to also be concerned if she is crying /screaming. He is either controlling, jealous, immature or just had no feelings towards his daughter. Personally I would be very concerned at his behaviour and not leave him alone with her.

FruitofAutumn · 06/10/2018 22:48

Children and babies cry when something's wrong,

Bollocks! 9 times out of ten when a toddler cries it is because they haven't got their own way!

FruitofAutumn · 06/10/2018 22:51

I am not saying I aggee with his agressive response, but I can see how frustrating it would be, having got a sleep problem solved, to be setting up poor habits again

PickAChew · 06/10/2018 22:51

Who made stroppy Mr empathy a childcare expert?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/10/2018 22:54

fruitofautumn This was 20 mins after the DD has fallen asleep happy, what hadn't she got her way about? It may not have been a bad dream, even if that's how she seemed to describe it, she could have just been frightened by something, a shadow or a funny sound. She is 2 ffs that doesn't mean she is trying to get her own way, it means she wanted to be comforted by her parents. The reason we seek this comfort as humans is because as children we are far more vulnerable, essentially if our parents leave us we are fucked. It's a normal devleopmental thing to want to "check" mummy and daddy are still there and still protecting us.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 06/10/2018 22:56

ffs wanting a cuddle and some comfort from mummy is "poor habits" now. Well I am proud to say that my DS who i almost 8 still has bad habits and I hope it will be quite a few years before he doesn't. I will comfort him when he is 15 if he wants me to!.

Aaarrrggghh · 06/10/2018 22:59

What a dick?!

Does he have form for this? Surely he, like you, just wants your little one to be settled and happy?

I'd be ragin'.

AnoukSpirit · 06/10/2018 23:03

Op, I was able to accurately predict what had happened based on your title alone. So I'm not surprised to see you saying this isn't the first time.

What else does he do?

Because this scenario is textbook coercive control.

You may find this helpful for making sense of it and re-establishing your confidence in your own judgement: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk