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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being told not to comfort toddler

133 replies

strugglingpuggle · 06/10/2018 22:04

Dd is 2.5. Was quite a bad sleeper, but now is a lot better and will generally put herself to sleep and sleep through. Today she is very over tired as she didn't have her afternoon nap.

Usual bath and bedtime. Story, said goodnight and off I went and she went to sleep. I went downstairs to join dh watching tv. 20 mins later, Dd starting crying. Left her for a few minutes (dh and I have argued in the past about me going to her too quickly So I do now try and wait to see if she will settle herself). After a few more minutes she was still screaming and seemed to be getting more distressed so I said I was going up to see what was wrong.

Dh flipped at this point, started shouting, kicked over a toy that was on the floor nearby and stormed off up to bed.

I went and saw Dd, she was upset, think it was a bad dream and after 10 mins of holding her and calming her down has gone back to sleep.

Dh is now not talking to me as said he's upset that I seemed desperate to get up to her and that I need to sort myself out and should of let her cry it out.

OP posts:
Batteriesallgone · 06/10/2018 23:03

I quite often have nightmares in the few minutes after closing my eyes to sleep. It’s like I’m halfway there and then I get these horrible dreams, really graphic. Like really awful horror film I don’t even know where my mind gets it from bad dreams. Have always had it and my mum used to dismiss it as me having a tantrum about bedtime and refuse to come in. When I was absolutely bloody terrified and just needed a hug. It got really bad in my teen years and I’ve always wondered if it’s because I was never comforted or talked to about it. So maybe I never learnt to rationalise it and cope well.

Nowadays I wake up DH and he gives me a big cuddle.

Just adding a different perspective to the impossible for it to be a bad dream thing - in my experience it’s absolutely possible.

wtfhaveijustread · 06/10/2018 23:06

She is a fucking child the bellend tell him personally from me that he is a fucking asswhole! He sounds like a right jealous little fuck! Why would he want your child to be distressed? What's the harm in love from mummy to calm her down. I've never said this before but LTB!!!

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 06/10/2018 23:09

I think he needs to spend time on the naughty step

BitOfFun · 06/10/2018 23:27

You've posted a few times about your husband being jealous of the attention your child gets, haven't you? You've changed the sex and the approximate age of the child, but I'm assuming that's for anonymity, and that your core issue is the thing you need advice about.

His general behaviour is really not on, and it will be having a noxious effect on you and your child's happiness and sense of security.

Can you really see years of happy marriage ahead of you? Or it being a stable and nurturing environment for your child? Does your husband ever acknowledge that it is he who needs to change, and if so, what steps is he taking to do that?

OkMaybeNot · 06/10/2018 23:28

DH was like this when we had our first child. Knew only about parenting what he'd been told by his mother. Would make me feel absolutely shit about refusing to try crying it out, wanting to comfort DS when he woke, cosleep, breastfeed to sleep, cuddle him whenever he wanted...

8 years on and he's riddled with guilt, and so am I, for listening to him sometimes.

Don't let him make you feel that way. When she's older and you remember how you hesitated to comfort her because it annoyed your husband, you will feel like shit. They don't stay babies for long.

Oldbutstillgotit · 06/10/2018 23:31

Is he your DD’s father ?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/10/2018 23:32

I wouldn’t wait 20mins to go and comfort a child in case it upset an adult.

I would be concerned it was going to end up with her going backwards with her sleep/settling so I’d definitely have given it a couple of minutes and not made a huge fuss of her though.

I would NOT be putting up with the giant bellend. He’d be getting the ‘if you EVER do that again, it will be the end of us’ speech and if we did separate it would be a very long time before he got overnights/unsupervised contact. Twat he is.

CrunchieFriday · 06/10/2018 23:32

erm. if your toddler settled back to sleep ...AGAIN... after 10 minutes of soothing? You are a fab mum. Your toddler had a bad dream, but your reassurance was all that was needed to feel safe and to fall back asleep.

That illustrates a high level of secure attachment. You are doing a brilliant job.

Your DH is an idiot if he isn't seeing this.

GabsAlot · 06/10/2018 23:33

what nasty man child kicking toys and storming off

i bet he doesnt do the main child caring either does he but thiniks he knows it all

ThisIsTheNational · 06/10/2018 23:35

What a nasty man.

Your DD needs your love. That is what you are there for.

Original poster
strugglingpuggle · 07/10/2018 08:26

Well dh is still in a strop this morning. Have tried talking to him but he has said he has nothing to say and he's disappointed in Me going to her so quickly. I'm just ignoring him now.

For background, he has always had issues with me going to comfort Dd. If she falls over, he expects me to wait for Dd to come to us rather than we go and check she is ok, if she asks to be picked up and I pick her up, I get moaned at. We've recently been through marriage counselling where all these issues came up and I thought we were getting there. Obviously not.

OP posts:
MessyBun247 · 07/10/2018 08:29

Omg he’s a cunt!! Please take steps to leave him and protect yourself and DD from this horrible man. Honestly you will thrive on your own and can be the amazing parent you want to be without anyone making you feel like shit!

Creatureofthenight · 07/10/2018 08:32

He sounds pretty cold tbh. Do his parents have similar attitudes- ie is this learned behaviour?

Shednik · 07/10/2018 08:44

He's a bell end. LTB.

geekone · 07/10/2018 08:44

I agree you shouldn’t run to a child when they fall over. But your problem isn’t the things he is disagreeing with you about it’s how he is disagreeing and how he is dealing with it. He sounds awful to live with. That being said you may also be a bit of a helicopter parent which is not great for bringing up a balanced independent child. What would you do if you had a baby and your toddler was crying and your baby was distressed or in the bath or being fed? Will you be one of the parents still in the school line 3 weeks into reception/P1? It maybe that is what’s frustrating him.
Still he’s being an arsehole about it.

Singlenotsingle · 07/10/2018 08:46

He's jealous of the attention you're giving her. He needs to grow up

Treaclepie19 · 07/10/2018 08:48

I'd just ignore him. When he finally asks why you haven't engaged with him you can just say "I thought we didn't need to go running straight away?"
He's being a cockwomble.

TheSheepofWallSt · 07/10/2018 08:49

I suggest you apply the “tactics” he’d like you to employ with your daughter, with him. Ignore the fucker, treat him like an inconvenience, and hopefully he’ll get the message quickly enough- and piss off.

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 07/10/2018 08:50

LTB

Original poster
strugglingpuggle · 07/10/2018 08:51

I admit I can be a bit of a helicopter parent and have backed off a lot recently. I don't run every time she falls over as most times she picks herself up and dusts herself off, I mean on times she has fallen over and is visablly upset or crying I am still expected to let her to come to us rather than checking she is ok.

OP posts:
Legageddon · 07/10/2018 08:51

I couldn’t be with a man who wishes me to ignore the needs of my child

He’s a jealous immature idiot OP and you won’t chnage him.
No decent man would behave like that.

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2018 08:52

He’s jealous of your child. What a prince he is.

As he’s entirely unwilling to discuss things properly and it’s an ongoing battle you only really have one choice.

Legageddon · 07/10/2018 08:53

Stop doubting yourself

Helicoptering means watching over or interfering with your child when they are happy or engaged in something and you won’t just let them be.

It ISNT abnormal or wrong to respond to a child that is hurt or upset or wants comfort.

In fact it is very wrong not to respond. Your child needs to know you are there when they are sad or scared or hurt or crying. We don’t build resilience by ignoring them.

Your OH is jealous. Of your child. And that never ends well.

Bananamanfan · 07/10/2018 08:58

Don't be afraid to comfort your DD straight away, op. I can hear that you already are. He's pissed off with you however long you leave it, so you may as well go to her straight away. Hopefully he'll get so pissed off he will piss off. Where's he getting all of this childcare advice from?

LethalWhite · 07/10/2018 09:00

I have a similar aged child, and when she wakes up both me and dh go! Same if she falls over, we both love her to bits.

Your poor dad, having a dad who’s so cold to her and her emotional needs.

This isn’t a healthy relationship. You should be ok to go check in dc, go have a bath, go out and see friends or generally do what you like without being shouted at and ignore

To whoever said give him the silent treatment back: that’s terrible advice. Stopping down to passive aggression is not going to fix this