Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to favour one DSD over the other in will?

112 replies

Whatsnewwithyou · 06/10/2018 15:05

DH and I need to make new wills. I am the higher earner (I earn 6 times more than him) and brought significant savings to the marriage, DH left the house and quite a bit of money to his ex-wife for the children when he divorced.

DH and I met online after he split up with his ex-wife due to her multiple affairs. When we got together his DDs were 14 and 16. Both were reluctant to meet me at first as very close to their mother however in time I grew close to the younger DD and now love her very much. His older DD has always shunned me, spread nasty rumours around our small town and my work that DH and I had an affair while he was still married (not true in the slightest). We now live elsewhere and the older DD has moved abroad so not much chance to get to know each other now. She's 26 now and has never invited me to visit (though she has invited DH), won't accept my friend request on facebook, etc. She has visited us once for DH's surprise birthday party and she does speak to DH on the phone every few weeks.

Older DSD is earning very good money for her age and manages a business, younger DSD is struggling financially and has some disabilities that make it difficult for her to work. I have no children of my own but do have a younger sister who struggles financially.

WIBU to make out a will leaving money to be split between younger DSD and my younger sister and not include older DSD? DH and I have discussed it and he says it's up to me as the money is mostly mine (well, it's ours but I earned it iyswim). He understands why I may not choose to leave money to someone I have no relationship with through her choice. I have a wonderful loving relationship with younger DSD and with my younger sister. If it matters DH is older than I am and not in brilliant health so is likely to go first - though no one can k ow what will happen. I don't know what he intends to do with his will but will probably do the same as whatever I choose.

OP posts:
CharlotteWebb · 06/10/2018 15:10

I think you should spilt it evenly. It speaks volumes when you deliberately favour one over another when it comes to money

Hisashiburi · 06/10/2018 15:12

It's your money and thus yours to do what feels comfortable. Older DSD doesn't seem to be very nice so I can see your feelings. Presumably she would inherit through her mum and dad anyway?

Allineedyoutodois · 06/10/2018 15:12

Split it evenly. Your DH should be asking you to allow this anyway, he’s a wimp for putting this in you. It will destroy the elder DD to thinknher father loved her sister more than her which is what she will think.

SassitudeandSparkle · 06/10/2018 15:13

How would you feel if the two DSD fell out over the fact that one had been favoured over the other?

Allineedyoutodois · 06/10/2018 15:14

My DW earns significantly more than me, our wills leave everything to our kids split evenly. If some thing happens to all of us the our Dsibs inherit again evenly. Who earns the money shouldn’t come into it once you are a family.

7yo7yo · 06/10/2018 15:14

I think your right but wouldnleave her a token sum.
I would leave 60%to my sister, 35% to younger dsd and 5 %to older dsd if I felt generous.

Jimdandy · 06/10/2018 15:14

I’ll go against the grain here and say split your money how you see fit.

Allineedyoutodois · 06/10/2018 15:15

And if my DPs left everything to me and nothing to my Dsis I would be furious and would give her half anyway. Don’t be the cause of an issue between his kids.

multiplemum3 · 06/10/2018 15:15

If she doesn't have a relationship with you why should you leave her anything? Her dad should though.

AnotherCareerThread · 06/10/2018 15:15

Don't give her the money. No ones is entitled to inheritance anyway and it sounds like to older sibling doesn't want anything to do with you, and would be incredibly rude the believe shes entitled to your money.

lola006 · 06/10/2018 15:18

My DSM has been in a similar position with myself and siblings. I found out a few years ago that her will leaves more money to me and another sibling, less to the other sibling. She’s tried over the years, truly. I’ve watched it first hand but the sibling just can’t give her the time of the day (no gossip at least as in your case, OP!). As a result she feels like the two of us deserve a bit more and it’s ultimately up to her.

Would you consider leaving the older DSD a smaller amount? It’s worth considering her relationship to her sister if the younger sister suddenly comes into thousands the older could be very bitter. (If my families case the difference is about £10k between 2 of us and the 3rd.)

MrsPworkingmummy · 06/10/2018 15:19

I would leave her out. She's a grown adult, whom you don't get on with, and whom has also already benefitted previously from her father's money in his last divorce. Presumably both children will also be left money from their mother. Leave your own hard earned cash to whomever you wish, and let you hubby do the same with his small share.

Armchairanarchist · 06/10/2018 15:20

My biggest consideration would be to look at what it would do to the DSD's relationship with each other if you cut the elder one out. You won't be around to see the fallout.

chinam · 06/10/2018 15:20

I know that the money is yours to do with what you want but I would worry about the sisters relationship if one is treated much more favourably than the other.

twiglet · 06/10/2018 15:20

Although I get that majority is your money for you to chose I also think that its incredibly bitter thing to do to not have anything at all if you are giving the younger Dsd a share.

It also has a high possibility of driving a wedge of resentment between two sisters which is a bit cruel.

Whilst I understand some of your reasons what a teenager did is not the person that they are today and I think you need to let go and move on from something which happened nearly a decade ago.

Personally I would still leave the younger Dsd with a greater percentage due to the higher level of support required but I wouldn't cut out older Dsd and I would also leave a letter explaining it was about support. That way 2 sisters won't have this thing between them forever.

Lemontart25 · 06/10/2018 15:22

Nope if she has chosen to not be a part of you life & has actively been vindictive & spiteful for 10 years. I would leave her nothing too. Why would she want money from a stepmother she clearly hates anyway? Would be rather presumptuous & cheeky to be upset about it.

Her father however should certainly split his equally.

Notthisnotthat · 06/10/2018 15:26

Her father should leave his share equally and then you can distribute your share anyway you want to.

Rtmhwales · 06/10/2018 15:30

Why would you leave your money to someone who appears to hate you and actively shuns you?

Observatorycrest · 06/10/2018 15:31

It’s your money, there not your DC so do what you want with it. I am sure the older DC wouldn’t expect anything from you. I certainly wouldn’t be leaving money to an individual who clearly loathed me.....her father can leave what he wants but in regards to your money it’s your decision....don’t you have any nieces or nephews?.

liquidrevolution · 06/10/2018 15:31

Can you set up a trust for the younger DSD since she has some disabilities?

happypoobum · 06/10/2018 15:32

Your money - you leave it to whoever you like.

catpooproblems · 06/10/2018 15:33

Distribute your money the way you see fit.

I’m sorry but why would you leave money to a girl/woman who can’t abide you? She deserves nothing.

RandomMess · 06/10/2018 15:35

I would have DH and yourself think this through carefully so perhaps 25% to older DSD which is 50% of his share and younger DSD gets 25% plus more if you wish and the rest to your sister.

Although when disabilities are involved I'd be looking at trusts etc.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/10/2018 15:37

DH left the house and quite a bit of money to his ex-wife for the children when he divorced

Or a legal agreement was made that either thrashed out before a mediator or through solicitor’s letters and court order. Presumably he held on to his pension and presumably, someone, so,where considered the financial split a fair one.

If no financial order has been made, then that is a priority.

SilverLining10 · 06/10/2018 15:38

If she hasnt made any effort whatsoever it seems as though she very much dislikes you. So why would she expect anything anyway?

More importantly why would you leave an equal/substantial amount to someone who dislikes you? Just because you feel obligated to be fair? So she gets to be a nasty person to you and will get rewarded for that? Nope, I would leave her a token amount and split the money amongst those who actually deserve it. Let her father make up for that if he feels it isnt fair.