Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to favour one DSD over the other in will?

112 replies

Whatsnewwithyou · 06/10/2018 15:05

DH and I need to make new wills. I am the higher earner (I earn 6 times more than him) and brought significant savings to the marriage, DH left the house and quite a bit of money to his ex-wife for the children when he divorced.

DH and I met online after he split up with his ex-wife due to her multiple affairs. When we got together his DDs were 14 and 16. Both were reluctant to meet me at first as very close to their mother however in time I grew close to the younger DD and now love her very much. His older DD has always shunned me, spread nasty rumours around our small town and my work that DH and I had an affair while he was still married (not true in the slightest). We now live elsewhere and the older DD has moved abroad so not much chance to get to know each other now. She's 26 now and has never invited me to visit (though she has invited DH), won't accept my friend request on facebook, etc. She has visited us once for DH's surprise birthday party and she does speak to DH on the phone every few weeks.

Older DSD is earning very good money for her age and manages a business, younger DSD is struggling financially and has some disabilities that make it difficult for her to work. I have no children of my own but do have a younger sister who struggles financially.

WIBU to make out a will leaving money to be split between younger DSD and my younger sister and not include older DSD? DH and I have discussed it and he says it's up to me as the money is mostly mine (well, it's ours but I earned it iyswim). He understands why I may not choose to leave money to someone I have no relationship with through her choice. I have a wonderful loving relationship with younger DSD and with my younger sister. If it matters DH is older than I am and not in brilliant health so is likely to go first - though no one can k ow what will happen. I don't know what he intends to do with his will but will probably do the same as whatever I choose.

OP posts:
BiscuitsAndGravy · 06/10/2018 16:09

You are under no obligation to give either of them anything, so of course it's ok for you to give one nothing. Why should she get an inheritance from you when she's been so nasty?

Sweetpea55 · 06/10/2018 16:10

Leave her a small token amount and state in your will exactly why its a small amount.

Feefeetrixabelle · 06/10/2018 16:29

Leave the money split evenly between your family. Which is your younger dsd and sister. The older sd has made her decision to not be included in your family.

LovingJackD · 06/10/2018 16:29

Fuck her!

MaisyPops · 06/10/2018 16:34

You haven't been a step mother as you joined the unit when they were in their teens.
I'd say your half goes how you want. His half goes how he wants it.

Anyone who is spiteful in life shouldn't be expecting others to gift them money after they pass. Sadly, anyone who is particularly spiteful in life is probably the sort of person who would be nasty and spiteful when family are grieving in order to get their mitts on the cash.

Gersemi · 06/10/2018 16:36

It speaks volumes when you deliberately favour one over another when it comes to money

Why does this matter? What it most speaks volumes about is the fact that DSD1 never made any attempt to be civil to or about OP, rather the reverse.

It will destroy the elder DD to thinknher father loved her sister more than her which is what she will think.

What's it got to do with her father if OP does something different with her bequests? Her father will presumably make whatever provision he thinks is appropriate in his own will.

I think you need to let go and move on from something which happened nearly a decade ago.

It isn't a decade ago, is it? SD1 is still trying to keep OP out of her life today.

You talk as if you're not married to your H - as if your money is totally separate.

It is totally separate. I don't know why there's this pervasive myth around MN that no-one's possessions are their own once they're married, but it really is not true.

Gersemi · 06/10/2018 16:39

what if your DH dies first and leaves all his money to you? If you then die leaving it to one stepchild and your sister, you are in effect depriving the other stepchild of a share of her father's money.

He can provide for that in his own will, e.g. by leaving the money in trust.

Missingstreetlife · 06/10/2018 16:39

This is complex, take expert legal advice from a lawyer who can talk you through the options. A do it yourself or will writer specialist (esp from bank or financial advisor) is not adequate. Much less a bunch of random ignorami on a public website!
You will make provision for your husband, consider tax implications, and what is morally and legally possible. You may or may not want to speak to your beneficiaries and executors, they are going to be affected.

Courtney555 · 06/10/2018 16:42

You earned the money you have saved before you met DH. You earn 6 times more. It's your hard earned money.
If DSD goes out of her way to be spiteful during your life, then why the hell should she financially benefit from your death? We're not talking about DHs will. He should split as he sees fit to whoever he likes. But you absolutely do not need to leave someone who's spent years actively disrespecting you a thing.
You aren't causing a rift between siblings. She did that. She's cut herself out by being an arse to you, it's a good life lesson for her, she shouldn't expect anything. And I'm astonished anyone would think she's got any entitlement. This is not DHs will, which is a whole separate thing, this is yours.

Jengnr · 06/10/2018 16:44

If your husband dies before you leave half of your money to be split between the girls and half to be split as you wish (and like FUCK would the one I had no relationship with be getting anything). I’d have that as the way to go if you got wiped out together too.

If you die first then don’t sweat it.

BlankTimes · 06/10/2018 16:46

If the disabled sister is claiming any means-tested benefits, the large sum from you could negate that. See if there's a STEP solicitor who can advise you on how to let her have the money but not make her worse off.
www.step.org/about-us

unexpectedtwist · 06/10/2018 16:46

What's with all the people saying money should be split evenly? It's completely reasonable to leave the money how OP wants it! Why should her money go to a disinterested selfish SD?

Up to DH to leave some to both daughters sure, but OP has no obligation whatsoever!

Onecutefox · 06/10/2018 16:50

If you're not sure then leave 50% to your sister and 25% to each SD.

Whereismumhiding2 · 06/10/2018 16:51

Your DH is right. You leave your hard earned money to whom you want, it's your will. She's an adult and has made you unwelcome & been spiteful which isn't necessary. If she's changed that's be different but she hasn't and is old enough now to know better, she won't appreciate it, the other DSD will.

Your DH will likely do a relatively equal split in his will between his DDs including you to ensure your housing is safe, I would hope.

If your DH dies before you, & you get all of his money, IF they weren't left anything at the time, you could choose to rewrite your will so that she gets what she would have when you die, from an equal (1:3) share of his money at that time. Your money is yours to decide whom it goes to.

Snog · 06/10/2018 16:51

Leave nothing to the older DSD and inherit the younger DSD and your sister seems like a sensible plan.

Your DH however should leave his own money 50/50 to his children.

oldgimmer78 · 06/10/2018 16:55

I think your money is yours to do whatever you want with, I'm more concerned that you feel your husband will mirror his will against yours. Why would be not want to split his money 50:50?

LellyMcKelly · 06/10/2018 16:58

You don’t have a relationship with the older one so why would you leave her any money? I’d be surprised if she was expecting anything from you if she has chosen to shun you.

whoatealltheharibo · 06/10/2018 16:59

If she has shunned you then I wouldn’t leave her anything. It’s “your” money not DH’s so you are not taking anything from them. He can do what he like with his money, you do the same with yours.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 06/10/2018 17:01

That's absolutely horrid. You'll make her think her father loved her and valued her less.

cansu · 06/10/2018 17:01

Split your money in half. DH leaves his share equally between the two daughters. You leave yours between the dsd you are close to and your younger sister. Completely cutting his daughter out is terrible on your dh's part. He should be speaking up to protect both his daughters.

MistressDeeCee · 06/10/2018 17:01

Gersemi it doesn't matter how you've broken it down - this is a stepmother being spiteful to a stepdaughter yet claiming it's only the only the step daughter who is spiteful.

Given that she also took time to criticize step daughters mother here as if it even has anything to do with all this, none of these type stories fool me.

6 of 1 half a dozen of the other, I'd say

People are jumping in as if the OP is an angel, and step daughter has asked for her money. Nowhere can I see that step daughter said that she expects anything from OP. She seems to have distanced herself, in fact.

Anyone saying that when you are married your money can be kept totally and utterly separate from your partner is lying, or deluded. Family money is family money. use logic and talk about the law as it is, not as you think or wish it should be

This is just a bunch of vipers in the main who would absolutely squawk if a married man landed on here and talked about his money being separate from his wife and her children, as if he was the big I am.

Gransnet is awash with women who appear to have thought their money could be used to dictate family and marriage matters, and they're now sitting bemoaning the fact that children and step children have nothing to do with them.

Not everyone is in thrall to money and able to be controlled by it, thankfully.

MistressDeeCee · 06/10/2018 17:04

Leave her a small token amount and state in your will exactly why its a small amount

Aka pointless spite from beyond the grave hoping to upset and blight someone..yet you're dead as a doornail.

Great plan🙄

gamerchick · 06/10/2018 17:09

It's not really that hard. It's up to your husband to sort his will out re his own kids. You can sort yours the way you want. She won't be expecting anything anyway from the sounds of it.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 06/10/2018 17:09

If your DH isn't leaving her anything then I would say you need to split it equally. If I were him I would split my will solely between my children knowing that you have financial security already. He seems like a bit of a melt if he is leaving his children's inheritance up to you, that's extremely unfair on you and I'd be having a word.

19lottie82 · 06/10/2018 17:11

Fuck all that splitting it evenly shite!

This woman is 26 and treats the OP like something she stepped in!

Why on earth should she leave her anything?

Leave your money to whoever you like.