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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to favour one DSD over the other in will?

112 replies

Whatsnewwithyou · 06/10/2018 15:05

DH and I need to make new wills. I am the higher earner (I earn 6 times more than him) and brought significant savings to the marriage, DH left the house and quite a bit of money to his ex-wife for the children when he divorced.

DH and I met online after he split up with his ex-wife due to her multiple affairs. When we got together his DDs were 14 and 16. Both were reluctant to meet me at first as very close to their mother however in time I grew close to the younger DD and now love her very much. His older DD has always shunned me, spread nasty rumours around our small town and my work that DH and I had an affair while he was still married (not true in the slightest). We now live elsewhere and the older DD has moved abroad so not much chance to get to know each other now. She's 26 now and has never invited me to visit (though she has invited DH), won't accept my friend request on facebook, etc. She has visited us once for DH's surprise birthday party and she does speak to DH on the phone every few weeks.

Older DSD is earning very good money for her age and manages a business, younger DSD is struggling financially and has some disabilities that make it difficult for her to work. I have no children of my own but do have a younger sister who struggles financially.

WIBU to make out a will leaving money to be split between younger DSD and my younger sister and not include older DSD? DH and I have discussed it and he says it's up to me as the money is mostly mine (well, it's ours but I earned it iyswim). He understands why I may not choose to leave money to someone I have no relationship with through her choice. I have a wonderful loving relationship with younger DSD and with my younger sister. If it matters DH is older than I am and not in brilliant health so is likely to go first - though no one can k ow what will happen. I don't know what he intends to do with his will but will probably do the same as whatever I choose.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/10/2018 15:39

I wouldn't leave her a penny! She's an adult and she's treated you very badly.

I'm so sorry about your husband. Any relationship with his elder daughter is never going to materialise if he dies. If you then continue your relationship with his younger daughter, I would leave her the money, though I have to say I'd favour my own sister over his daughter. (So shoot me!)

ZanyMobster · 06/10/2018 15:40

This is such a tricky one, personally as they will inherit via there mum (indirectly their dad too as he original paid into the house) then I don't think it should be an even split. 50% to his side (so 25% each child) and 50% to your DD. It is still joint money really so I think that is totally fair.

ZanyMobster · 06/10/2018 15:41

Sorry 50% to your sister, not your DD

ZanyMobster · 06/10/2018 15:42

Oh my, their mum not there!

TruelyTruelyScrumptious · 06/10/2018 15:45

Her father should leave his share equally and then you can distribute your share anyway you want to.

Then the op may end up homeless when he dies.

MistressDeeCee · 06/10/2018 15:45

Split it evenly. You talk as if you're not married to your H - as if your money is totally separate.

& why do we need to know your H's ex-wife had multiple affairs? What does that have to do with anything at all?

You sound judgemental and it makes me think your DSD has good reason to dislike you and I guess you haven't hidden that you dislike her (and her mother) too.

Stop trying to use family money to be spiteful and aim to make someone you dislike just as much as she dislikes you feel like shit, and to drive a wedge between siblings

If your husband had a backbone he'd tell you the same.

If a married man posted on here as you have, as if his money is his and he wanted to leave out one of his wife's children in will, he'd be rightly vilified.

MrsFezziwig · 06/10/2018 15:48

I find it worrying (no, make that completely bizarre if you are actually married) that you don't know what is in your DH's will. It's fine to leave your money to whom you wish, and in fact I would think it weird to leave money to someone with whom you have no relationship other than in name only - but what if your DH dies first and leaves all his money to you? If you then die leaving it to one stepchild and your sister, you are in effect depriving the other stepchild of a share of her father's money.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 06/10/2018 15:48

Your DH needs to split equally.
You can do whatever you wish with your own assets.
Do the two DSDs have a good relationship? I wouldn't do anything that might place a strain on it. ie if I were to leave more to the younger, I would make it clear it was in consideration of her disabilities/limited life chances.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 06/10/2018 15:49

Do you need to inherit your DH's estate or, given that you are better off, can that go direct to his children, with a life interest in your home for you?

PlatypusPie · 06/10/2018 15:50

You have no active relationship with her and have no duty to leave her anything. Share your money between those you love and who love you.

HollowTalk · 06/10/2018 15:51

I'd leave a note for that woman in my Will about the fact I hadn't been having an affair, too.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/10/2018 15:51

If you were being ‘clinical’ would you say your DH has financial capital in your shared assets (either money he brought to the relationship or money earned since), or would you say his ‘brought in’ & earnings ‘cover’ his expenses?

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2018 15:53

I think you need to know between you what happens if he dies first and what happens if you die first. Because if he leaves everything to you and you then leave nothing to one of his daughters, that’s unacceptable.

User19991999 · 06/10/2018 15:53

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Mummyundecided · 06/10/2018 15:54

Presumably this is only in the event your DH predeceases you, and he will get the money if you die first? Are you making joint wills or are you keeping things separate?
I would do what you like here. Your DSDs are not your flesh and blood. You have a good relationship with one, the other doesn’t want to know you. They’re both adults.
I would split between your DSis and DSD2, and leave a token amount to your DSD1.
Depending on whether your wills are joint or separate, will both girls inherit anything at all from their dad? Presumably they will also get some inheritance from their mum too?

ZanyMobster · 06/10/2018 15:55

My assumption was that you are talking about marital money that will therefore be fully inherited by you if he does first so essentially joint money which should therefore be split 50/50 to both sides of the family when you die. I disagree with the people saying it's your money to do what you want with.

FunSponges · 06/10/2018 15:57

Someone who actively disliked me and was horrible about me wouldn't get a penny, no matter who they were.

AllAtHome · 06/10/2018 16:01

YANBU

Wherearemymarbles · 06/10/2018 16:02

Basically you dont owe either step child anything and have never really been a mother to them as such. On the basis a will is done on the basis you go first i would leAve some money to your sis and the younger sd only. Then the rest to dh and he can split it as he likes thereafter.

His will can split equally between his daughters and you can then change it as you wish. I really dont see then need to give money to someone who is no relation and doesnt like you you a penny

whiteroseredrose · 06/10/2018 16:04

I'd leave her out. In my current job I see loads of wills and it's actually not that unusual to leave an unequal split.

RangeRider · 06/10/2018 16:05

DH should leave his assets split 50/50 between them assuming you predecease him. If he goes first then you split your assets as you want and none to DSD1 if that's what you want. You could however leave her a half share of whatever you've inherited from DH - that would be fairer.

InspectorIkmen · 06/10/2018 16:05

Why would you leave your money to someone who appears to hate you and actively shuns you?

This is exactly what I think. Just why would you? It's not even as though the DSD can be arsed to pretend - she can't - so why would OP even bother.
No - this 'fairness' nonsense is just that - nonsense. It's like being told you HAVE to invite the class bully to your party. No. No you do not. And you do not have to leave your hard earned estate to someone who clearly despises you.

helacells · 06/10/2018 16:06

Why would you leave money for someone who has no relationship with you? Loads of people don't even leave biological kids anything if they feel they didn't deserve it.

Louislovesmud · 06/10/2018 16:07

I was in a similar position to the older step daughter. No gossip or spreading lies bit I just couldn't get on with my stepdad and by the time he passed away neither of us had tried with the other for years.

I can honestly say I didn't resent or have any bad feeling for the sibling who did inherit a lot, nor did I expect it to be shared with me. It was the consequence of their close relationship and not something I was "due" or entitled to.

I'd say, your DH should split his assets as he sees for and you should split yours as you see fit.

Whipsmart · 06/10/2018 16:07

Could you give some money now to the one who's struggling? If she lives closer and needs the help now - at least that way it won't be as obvious (although you may not have the money to spare at the moment)