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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to favour one DSD over the other in will?

112 replies

Whatsnewwithyou · 06/10/2018 15:05

DH and I need to make new wills. I am the higher earner (I earn 6 times more than him) and brought significant savings to the marriage, DH left the house and quite a bit of money to his ex-wife for the children when he divorced.

DH and I met online after he split up with his ex-wife due to her multiple affairs. When we got together his DDs were 14 and 16. Both were reluctant to meet me at first as very close to their mother however in time I grew close to the younger DD and now love her very much. His older DD has always shunned me, spread nasty rumours around our small town and my work that DH and I had an affair while he was still married (not true in the slightest). We now live elsewhere and the older DD has moved abroad so not much chance to get to know each other now. She's 26 now and has never invited me to visit (though she has invited DH), won't accept my friend request on facebook, etc. She has visited us once for DH's surprise birthday party and she does speak to DH on the phone every few weeks.

Older DSD is earning very good money for her age and manages a business, younger DSD is struggling financially and has some disabilities that make it difficult for her to work. I have no children of my own but do have a younger sister who struggles financially.

WIBU to make out a will leaving money to be split between younger DSD and my younger sister and not include older DSD? DH and I have discussed it and he says it's up to me as the money is mostly mine (well, it's ours but I earned it iyswim). He understands why I may not choose to leave money to someone I have no relationship with through her choice. I have a wonderful loving relationship with younger DSD and with my younger sister. If it matters DH is older than I am and not in brilliant health so is likely to go first - though no one can k ow what will happen. I don't know what he intends to do with his will but will probably do the same as whatever I choose.

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldandback · 06/10/2018 17:13

Why on earth would the older sd expect to inherit from someone she wanted nothing to do with? I’m sure she doesn’t. I wouldn’t leave her a token- what for? Her dad of course can do whatever he likes.

annikin · 06/10/2018 17:14

He should leave money between them as he sees fit, but I see no reason for you to give money to someone who has actively caused you trouble.

Italiangreyhound · 06/10/2018 17:14

Whatsnewwithyou I'd say three things which are my own option on this.

Favour your own sister first, unless your parents are supporting her (in which case your helping may not be necessary). If you can help her to set up some sort of business if she is struggling, I'd consider doing it.

Likewise can you help your younger step daughter in some way while she is alive?

You don't need, IMHO, to treat your step daughters equally as they have behaved very differently to you. I would leave them both something but how much is up to you.

Not leaving your money to someone who has money and has been horrible to you is not blighting someone.

Finally, however, your husband should split his money equally, IMHO, of at the very least make his own decision on this.

If your dear husband is likely to die before you it is most likely his will would favour you and the house would be passed to you, but he can now express his wishes about any additional income or savings which are his exclusively or he could request you make certain arrangements when you die.

Whatever your feelings about his daughter, he should have his own feelings and act on them as far as he can.

Italiangreyhound · 06/10/2018 17:15

Sorry, I think that was 4 things, I clearly cannot count!

Batteriesallgone · 06/10/2018 17:16

Assuming it’s a joint will I like others ideas of 25% of joint funds to older DSD (half of DH’s ‘share’) 50% to younger DSD (half of his, half of yours) and 25% to your sister (half of yours). That way he is leaving his money to his children equally and you are leaving money to your sister and DSD you have a relationship with equally.

If it’s not a joint will I don’t understand the question really. Either it’s your money or it’s shared. Saying DH has a bit of a claim / his relatives should be considered but he can’t forget IT’S MY MONEY seems a bit off. Decide between you what split is appropriate if it’s not 50/50 and then proceed with the half of his half of yours plan as per above.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 06/10/2018 17:16

In these circumstances I think mirror wills (where you and dh have the same) make no sense. If you do have mirror wills I would say you should leave 100% to the other spouse and if there’s no surviving spouse then split evening between sis, dd1 & dd2 or if you want to reflect your earnings leave x proportion to sis and split remainder equally between the 2 DDs.

It’s not just about your relation with dd1 it’s about her dad’s too. The 16 years before you knew her count too. Leaving them suffering amounts will cause them issues in their relationship.

You can’t tske it with you so by all means leave enough to support your sis but don’t use your will to make trouble from beyond the grave. You’ll be dead, the money won’t matter to you!

strawberrypenguin · 06/10/2018 17:16

Yanbu. You don't have a relationship with her at all. You don't owe her anything

Frustratedboarder · 06/10/2018 17:18

Surely you and dh have a 50-50 split of your joint assets so shitty older SD will get 50% of her dad's share, and what you do with your share plus your savings is another matter and is up to you? She won't feel shunned by her dad in that case will she!

Wheresthebeach · 06/10/2018 17:20

I wouldn't leave money to someone I don't have a relationship with - that's just bonkers. Your DH should leave money to both his children - unless his relationship is equally strained and he chooses not to.

Nobody deserves an inheritance - you can leave it the cat home if you like.

I'd take care of your sister, and the DSD you have a relationship with.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 06/10/2018 17:25

I don't know what he intends to do with his will but will probably do the same as whatever I choose

I hope for both his daughter’s sakes, this isn’t the case.

MonolithiK · 06/10/2018 17:27

I would split it evenly for the simple reason that I wouldn't want the inheritance i've left to DD2 to become a snare to her. If you split it unevenly, it would poison her sister towards her and the resentment over such things can carry on for a lifetime, long after the money has been spent.

hidingmystatus · 06/10/2018 17:31

Can we please STOP saying that when you are married all assets are automatically joint. It's not true. Assets and liabilities in your sole name are legally ONLY yours. If you divorce, then things change to achieve the divorce settlement, but until then the OP's sole name assets are hers alone and her will can dispose of them any way she likes. Her DH has no legal say.
Please stop suggesting otherwise.

Ariclock · 06/10/2018 17:34

Hi op, I wouldn't leave any money to her. Let your dp sort out his will and leave your money to people who actually care about you.

Milliepede · 06/10/2018 17:34

Why are you even contemplating leaving anything to someone who doesn't like you? You don't owe her anything.

Original poster
Whatsnewwithyou · 06/10/2018 17:41

Thank you so much, everyone, I feel really relieved by this thread as I had been thinking perhaps it's horrible of me not to want to leave older DSD anything in my will. You've helped me think it through and what I will do is leave a token amount representing half of my DH's money to elder DSD, the other half of DH's money to younger DSD, and then split my half between younger DSD and my sister.

I only mentioned that DH's wife was the one who had affairs to emphasise that the rumour about me was unfair, not for any other reason. I have absolutely not been unkind to anyone, I've never even met DH's ex wife and have never said anything negative about her to anyone even DH. I maybe haven't reached out to elder DSD as much as I could have as I have social anxiety.

I don't feel like a mean and vindictive person, just not particularly minded to include someone who I haven't had a relationship with. But that could change and I'm definitely open to having a relationship with elder DSD in future. Again, thanks for all the responses.

OP posts:
birdonawire1 · 06/10/2018 17:41

I most certainly would gift someone who clearly resents and dislikes me. That’s just crazy. It’s a gift and that’s something you give someone you care about and who cares about you.

bridgetreilly · 06/10/2018 17:44

I think it depends a lot on your financial arrangements with DH. Do you have joint accounts/investments/property or is it separate? Because I think if it's held jointly, then it doesn't matter who earned it, both his children should be getting an equal share of it. If your money is separate, then I think it's fine for him to leave his money equally to them, but you don't have to, and in this situation, there seems good reason not to.

Missingstreetlife · 06/10/2018 17:47

Er... if both making wills see solicitor together, you need to be aware of each other. If not do as you think and hope for the best. Do you own a house together?
If you don't make new wills your old one stands unless you revoke it.
A will is automatically revoked by divorce ormarriage/civil wotnot, unless mentioned In said will
If no will google rules of dying intestate, and consider tax position

Original poster
Whatsnewwithyou · 06/10/2018 17:51

Oh and in my response when I said my "half" I mean my share based on what I saved and earned. I estimate my share based on that would be over 90% of our assets but call it 90%. So 5% to older DSD, 50% to younger DSD (half of DH's share and half of mine) and 45% to my sister. Yes we will see a solicitor together.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 06/10/2018 17:55

Also a solicitor will word things to take into account whoever dies first, including beneficiaries!
I'm not a solicitor, and usually favour diy, conveyancing, probate etc but you clearly have not thought of every eventuality and a lot of trouble can be caused by a badly worded or misinformed will

Justanotheruser01 · 06/10/2018 17:56

A pension isn't forever so i would say your sister and the step daughter your close to but if things change in the future they can always be amended. Maybe leave a note as to why?

SleepingStandingUp · 06/10/2018 18:00

I get why you'd not leave dsd any of yours but why would DH do the same? Why is he cutting DD out of his will because of you?

MyCatIsBonkers · 06/10/2018 18:12

I can see why you don't want to, and ultimately it's up to you, but personally I wouldn't want my legacy to be the destruction of the relationship between my husband's children. If you truly love the younger sister why would you want your last act to be something that will cause her pain?

FrancisCrawford · 06/10/2018 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Celestia26 · 06/10/2018 18:59

I would split your own money how you see fit. So if you want to leave her out then I don't see a problem with that.

Your DH should split his money equally between his children though.