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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude to MIL or the other way around?

103 replies

GinSolvesEverything · 05/10/2018 22:15

My in-laws are staying (many separate threads are worthy for this alone), so my judgment may be impaired.

Out with them yesterday, and there was a discussion around the kids names and alternatives if they were girl/boy instead of boy/girl. DD has a very special family middle name, from my side, that goes back 6 generations. It was a non negotiable from my point of view, so she has that and DS has a name from DHs side. Oh, both have the surname from his side too obviously.

Anyway, MIL last night said to DS that if he was a girl his name would have been ‘Sarah Olivia’ - not the real names, but ‘Olivia’ being her middle name. I immediately jumped in and corrected her by saying, no, it would have been ‘Sarah Annette’ as we need to pass on my family tradition. MIL went quiet after that so I think she was quite offended.

In context, we NEVER discussed using her middle name, so she had zero idea. I also have been given jewellery and other family heirlooms to pass on to DD that is engraved with the middle name (I don’t have it myself as I have an older sister). The name is a big deal.

So was I rude, or was MIL presumptuous?

OP posts:
hippy1952 · 05/10/2018 22:20

You are not being unreasonable.

CherryPavlova · 05/10/2018 22:21

None issue. Really, really sad if you get uptight about something that hasn’t happened.

Original poster
GinSolvesEverything · 05/10/2018 22:22

I’m not uptight about it @cherrypavlova - unless you mean it’s sad that she got uptight about it? In which case I agree!

OP posts:
Itsnotmesothere · 05/10/2018 22:23

Mother-in-law was presumptuous. You weren't rude. You're possibly over thinking this Grin

fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2018 22:23

Don’t think ywbu, I wouldn’t give it any further thought.

bluetrampolines · 05/10/2018 22:23

Totally get your annoyance.

Bluntness100 · 05/10/2018 22:24

Seems all a big petty and irrelevant, I'm not getting the big deal or why you were so keen to correct her that it wouldn't be her name.

Milfromhades · 05/10/2018 22:25

You were rude obviously. Although I don't quite understand the name thing actually, but I find DiLs are generally in the wrong.

Laac · 05/10/2018 22:25

MIL is mad.

Clawdy · 05/10/2018 22:26

So, if you had had two daughters, you would have given them both family names from your own family only ? Seems a bit odd. Has your poor MIL got a particularly dreadful name? And as it was all a bit hypothetical, couldn't you just have smiled and said nothing?

greendale17 · 05/10/2018 22:27

YABU- your MIL clearly knows your family tradition but decided to ignore it.

theworldistoosmall · 05/10/2018 22:27

Do you mean she went quiet about the name thing or quiet as in never said another word all evening?

Laac · 05/10/2018 22:27

Why would MIL tell your child they would be named after them? Doesn't she think the parents should choose their children's names? I'm glad you corrected her, imagine what she says when you're not there. Hugely irritating and overstepping boundaries.

Thatstheendofmytether · 05/10/2018 22:27

It was presumptuous of her but it didn't happen so does it really matter if she thought that?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 05/10/2018 22:27

I don’t know any of your history with MIL so I’m answering your post at face value.

I understand you were just putting her straight factually but I think you hurt her feelings. It looked like you were putting her in her place in front of everybody.

Sorry, but YWBU.

MiddleClassProblem · 05/10/2018 22:30

I’m not sure I understand. It sounds like she was making a throw away but if chit chat but maybe you mean she was saying it as in telling him it was a fact, something that you had been set on.

If the former, then yabu and a bit overly defensive. If the latter, it depends on how you said it.

Is DS the eldest? Couldn’t you have just added “but DD would have x name from your family”?

Ophelialovescats · 05/10/2018 22:30

Silly .
And surname is not obviously from 'his' side . You can double barrel it or just use yours ?

Iloveacurry · 05/10/2018 22:30

I’m assuming Annette is a DHs family name? So she’s thinking that if you already had a DD, and you’ve used your family middle name for her, then a 2nd DD would have their family name? Your MIL shouldn’t of assumed. Your child’s name is nothing to do with her. I’d be annoyed too.

Fattymcfaterson · 05/10/2018 22:30

But why did you have to immediately jump in and correct her??? It's not as though your DS was going to suddenly transform into a girl and trot off to change his name Confused
Learn to let stuff go!

fuzzywuzzy · 05/10/2018 22:31

@clawdy presumably op and her husband both chose a mutually acceptable first name, the middle name of the eldest dd was clearly important to op to continue her family tradition and her dh got to use his choice of their ds middle name and both dc have dh surname.

Presumably subsequent dd’s can have a mutually chosen middle name as op says she herself doesn’t have the middle name as she’s not the eldest dd.

I findin naming dc, only the opinions of the parents matter. Extended family just cause issues where there should be none.

Mil named her dc already, she gets no say.

SassitudeandSparkle · 05/10/2018 22:31

It does sound as if you were a little over-defensive there, OP. Although I'm not clear on your post - was your MIL saying that her own name should have been the middle name?

The name might be a big deal to you, but it might not be to your DD. Surely your sister has any heirlooms if she is the one with the name?

FunSponges · 05/10/2018 22:35

YANBU. She doesn't get to name your children, fictitious or not. You weren't rude to correct her, she should never have made that assumption.

BeardedMum · 05/10/2018 22:35

Just glad we don’t have a tradition of a family name. Sounds bonkers to me. What if your DH didn’t like your family name?

PurpleRobe · 05/10/2018 22:36

Sounds like you over-reacted

And to clarify is "olivia" mils name?

Batteriesallgone · 05/10/2018 22:37

You were rude. It was just a bit of silly chat. Is ‘Annette’ (if that’s right - I mean your family name) your mums middle name or first name? So she might think the other way round that you would have used her name instead?

Did you even explain the significance of DD’s middle name? Or did you just jump in and shut her down Confused