Was I rude to MIL or the other way around?

[GinSolvesEverything]

My in-laws are staying (many separate threads are worthy for this alone), so my judgment may be impaired.

Out with them yesterday, and there was a discussion around the kids names and alternatives if they were girl/boy instead of boy/girl. DD has a very special family middle name, from my side, that goes back 6 generations. It was a non negotiable from my point of view, so she has that and DS has a name from DHs side. Oh, both have the surname from his side too obviously.

Anyway, MIL last night said to DS that if he was a girl his name would have been ‘Sarah Olivia’ - not the real names, but ‘Olivia’ being her middle name. I immediately jumped in and corrected her by saying, no, it would have been ‘Sarah Annette’ as we need to pass on my family tradition. MIL went quiet after that so I think she was quite offended.

In context, we NEVER discussed using her middle name, so she had zero idea. I also have been given jewellery and other family heirlooms to pass on to DD that is engraved with the middle name (I don’t have it myself as I have an older sister). The name is a big deal.

So was I rude, or was MIL presumptuous?

Is ds your first born or second?

Sounds like it was a fantasy conversation that you took way too seriously. You were rude.
Unless there's a massive backstory, sounds like MIL was just having a laugh with the kids and you shot her down.

DS is the first born - we didn’t find out the sex with either child hence all the options on the table.

Anyway no mention of it all today and we’ve had a really good day. Lots of gin and wine which always helps!

A good answer might have been 'oh, if he'd been our second dd, perhaps it would have been'. But, hindsight is great.

Anyway, while just hypothetical musing, it was a really odd thing for her to say and I'm not surprised that you reacted with surprise.

She was wrong in that case OP.

What happens if dd has a daughter and doesn’t use the family name?

It was an attempt at chit-chat - forget and move on. Was this the straw to break the camel's back?

You were rude and over reacted. She was just chatting and clearly meant if DS had been your second daughter he would've had her middle name, which may well even be what your husband told her. Also it's a middle name, people dint even use them. Think about ten people you work with and if you even know their middle name 🙄

@PristineCondition

What happens if dd has a daughter and doesn’t use the family name?
Given the overreaction here, I think we could safely assume DD wouldn't hear the last of it...

It sounds like chit chat to me & no malice intended on the part of MIL.

" as we need to pass on my family tradition."

That sounds like such an overreaction!

No one was rude. She was wrong (deliberately?) You corrected. The end.

It’s totally up to DD if she wants to pass it on or not. DS could also pass it on if he wants - their kids, their choice.

She said the comment to DD - not DS. DD is our second (and final) child. DS has a middle name from the paternal side of the family, and DD has one from mine. Seems fair!

So glad I like my mother in law.
Must be exhausting finding things to fume about

I get the desire to use family names; both DC have family names that I specifically chose. DS1 was already here when I met DH, so his name was of no consequence to MIL, but when we named DS2 (with a name very clearly taken from 'my' side of the family, MIL and her sister scrabbled around searching for anyone on their side with the same name, almost as though they could then justify it being one of DS2's names. Never mind the fact that he already had DH (and by default MIL's) surname, his names had to be related to her side.

It brings out odd things in people, naming children.

Definitely mountains and molehills. Wtf does it matter if it’s not a possibility

It wasn’t an unreasonable presumption: she probably swapped a male band from your DH’s side for a female name from his dude: hers. So she followed the one logic.

I can’t be doing with any of this dynastic stuff, personally.

Not necessarily obv that the kids would have his surname. More dynastic stuff.

Anyway, glad you had a good day and all is fine.

Live up to your username OP and pour out a couple of gins and have a drink and a laugh with your MIL.

I don't think anyone was rude but if you're uncomfortable about it bring it up with your MIL over a friendly cup of coffee.

Well you slapped her down and she went quiet. Sounds like you won that round then. How did you want her to react?

You are NOT unreasonable x

Why didn't you just say nothing? Why bother reacting like that over a total non issue

I think she was deliberately trying to her assert herself and you asserted yourself back- very odd thing of her to presume and she probably thought by saying it to your child you would let it go.

Your MIL was being annoying and was wrong in what she said. It was presumptious. I suspect she's irritating you after 2 weeks of her staying and you have two more weeks, so that's why you reacted.

However - there's a very important technical way to deal with it now Forget about it

My (late) DSis used to correct everybody on every little thing whether she was right or wrong "Actually I think you'll find..." umpteen times a day. It was very wearing some days. Others days I tuned it out ..
But I miss it now and find myself quoting her in my head

If I was a boy I would have been named Neil...

Reminds me of Smithy and Nessa - "Baby Neil the baby"!