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Original poster

Was I rude to MIL or the other way around?

103 replies

GinSolvesEverything · 05/10/2018 22:15

My in-laws are staying (many separate threads are worthy for this alone), so my judgment may be impaired.

Out with them yesterday, and there was a discussion around the kids names and alternatives if they were girl/boy instead of boy/girl. DD has a very special family middle name, from my side, that goes back 6 generations. It was a non negotiable from my point of view, so she has that and DS has a name from DHs side. Oh, both have the surname from his side too obviously.

Anyway, MIL last night said to DS that if he was a girl his name would have been ‘Sarah Olivia’ - not the real names, but ‘Olivia’ being her middle name. I immediately jumped in and corrected her by saying, no, it would have been ‘Sarah Annette’ as we need to pass on my family tradition. MIL went quiet after that so I think she was quite offended.

In context, we NEVER discussed using her middle name, so she had zero idea. I also have been given jewellery and other family heirlooms to pass on to DD that is engraved with the middle name (I don’t have it myself as I have an older sister). The name is a big deal.

So was I rude, or was MIL presumptuous?

OP posts:
Original poster
GinSolvesEverything · 05/10/2018 22:38

I was already a bit annoyed with them - came home from a full on day at work to them lazing around and dishes everywhere that I had to clean up.

I don’t think anyone else heard the conversation so I didn’t make a big deal about it. I think I reacted so abruptly as I was shocked that she would even say it. And off the back of the earlier annoyance!

My sister has no children, and isn’t likely to, so I asked her for permission to use the name first.

@sassitude - exactly that. She told DS that her middle name would have been given to him if he was born a girl.

OP posts:
7salmonswimming · 05/10/2018 22:38

Yeah. I think it's because they're staying with you and she's getting on your tits Grin

Onlyfamandclosefknow · 05/10/2018 22:39

Did you accept gifts engraved with the wrong (presumed) initials? Is that why MIL was upset?

WatsonCat · 05/10/2018 22:40

God, the 6 generation very special name business all just sounds totally pretentious! Are you the kind of family that all has matching personalised number plates with your surname on too?

Louiselouie0890 · 05/10/2018 22:40

Neither was unreasonable

Original poster
GinSolvesEverything · 05/10/2018 22:41

She knows the significance of the heritage of the name. I think I was just taken aback that she piped up with an assumption.

If we had two girls then I have no doubt that we would have used ‘Olivia’ for the middle name of the second.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinSolvesEverything · 05/10/2018 22:43

@7salmonswimming YES. I am oversensitive as it’s been a long couple of weeks, and still two to go! Haha

Not pretentious in the slightest, @watsoncat just something that is really important to me and my very small family.

OP posts:
Witchend · 05/10/2018 22:44

I think what your mil was saying was that ds was named after her side. So if he'd been a girl he would have taken names from their side.

I don't think it's that rude from her side. She was probably making conversation. I can remember being interested when dm was talking about what alternative names we could have had. I'd have been Diggory. Glad I was a girl. Grin Thankfully she'd changed her mind by the time dbro came along.

I can see why you might have felt irritated, but I don't think you went about it in the best way. "We really wanted to use Annette for the first girl, because it's a special name to my family." would have been more than enough, but as it really makes no difference then I'd probably have ignored it the first time. if she'd started going on about it, then would be the time to speak up.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 05/10/2018 22:44

If I was a boy I would have been named Neil...

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 05/10/2018 22:45

You were a bit mean to correct her. Since DS is not a girl it's completely irrelevant so not sure why you felt the need to make a point that a hypothetical DD would have been given your DM's name rather than MIL's name.

spaghettiforhair · 05/10/2018 22:46

If we had two girls then I have no doubt that we would have used ‘Olivia’ for the middle name of the second.

Perhaps this is where the confusion is she thought that it would be Annette the same as your other DD and therefore both DDs where as you probably meant it as if your DS was the DD and only daughter not it both were as if they were both DDs then one would have the MIL middle name.

But it's not happened that way so I wouldn't worry too much.

BackforGood · 05/10/2018 22:46

Agree with most - you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
It really was a non issue.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/10/2018 22:47

In itself a non issue.

However I suspect that this is yet another straw on the camels back........

spaghettiforhair · 05/10/2018 22:47

Just realised I made no sense, damn prosecco on a Friday lol

I meant as DS is names after husbands side that the tradition would continue that way as your other DD already has your family name.

PorkFlute · 05/10/2018 22:53

If you’d have just casually said that he would have had your dds middle name ywnbu. But you’re clearly extremely annoyed about your mils hypothetical presumption and her reaction suggests you were rude. She probably felt like you jumped down her throat for a very minor reason.
Does it really matter what name your son might have had if he were a girl in some parallel universe that doesn’t exist?

HeddaGarbled · 05/10/2018 23:01

She definitely wasn’t rude to you though I understand that you found her comment irritating.

I’m not sure whether you were rude to her - depends on your tone of voice etc, I think.

Now then, this coming home from a full day at work and having to clear up dirty dishes - where’s your H in this scenario?

Honeyroar · 05/10/2018 23:01

I think you were a bit mean. She was just chatting, it wasn't a serious conversation with any consequences, yet you jumped in and made sure that she knew that your mother's name was more important. It just sounds like typical daughter in law favouring her family stuff, even if there was a reason for it in the tradition. You didn't need to say anything.

NonaGrey · 05/10/2018 23:08

Just leaving this with you...

Was I rude to MIL or the other way around?
lottiegarbanzo · 05/10/2018 23:09

Sounds like she was muddle-headed about order of birth vs actual existence. Sooo, your dd's actual existence comes prior to her having this thought. So, because your dd is already called by your family name, she was talking to ds as if he would have been your second dd.

Whatever was going on in her head, it sounds as though she was speculating about 'what is the equivalent to DS pattern of naming, were he to have been as a girl - given his actual pattern of naming'. Therefore, middle name from her family.

Anyway, sounds like she was thinking out loud. I don't think correcting her was wrong, I'm sure it came naturally (and, being a bit direct and factual myself, I struggle to see how else you could have responded, other than to brush it off).

So, so long as everyone was gentle, no real harm done. Not so good if anyone was snappy. But, isn't it ever so, regardless of subject matter?

Italiangreyhound · 05/10/2018 23:09

I think you were rude. It was a hyperthetical conversation.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/10/2018 23:11

I love that you have this naming heritage btw, bit envious!

Darkstar4855 · 05/10/2018 23:12

I don’t think she was rude - if your son was named after his father’s side of the family it’s not unreasonable she would assume that would still apply if he had been a girl. Obviously she was mistaken but you could have just let it go rather than jump in and correct her.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/10/2018 23:12

But also, two weeks... and two more to go. Wow! This is a marathon. Persistence, steadyness and stamina are what is required.

cheesefield · 05/10/2018 23:33

4 WEEKS?????? 🤯

SalemBlackCat4 · 05/10/2018 23:40

Sarah Olivia flows better than Sarah Annette. It's nice to pass down names, but it is not compulsory. Nobody 'needs' to pass down tradition. I have to admit I would be rather offended if someone gave me heirlooms with a name engraved with the assumption I would just use the name, just because everyone else did. As if I didn't have a choice. Maybe it might have been a nice to start a new tradition for your MIL's name to be passed down. At least it would be something different. I understand the MIL's hurt feelings tbh. She is your DC's family too, and no less important than the Annette on your side.

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