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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I rude to MIL or the other way around?

103 replies

GinSolvesEverything · 05/10/2018 22:15

My in-laws are staying (many separate threads are worthy for this alone), so my judgment may be impaired.

Out with them yesterday, and there was a discussion around the kids names and alternatives if they were girl/boy instead of boy/girl. DD has a very special family middle name, from my side, that goes back 6 generations. It was a non negotiable from my point of view, so she has that and DS has a name from DHs side. Oh, both have the surname from his side too obviously.

Anyway, MIL last night said to DS that if he was a girl his name would have been ‘Sarah Olivia’ - not the real names, but ‘Olivia’ being her middle name. I immediately jumped in and corrected her by saying, no, it would have been ‘Sarah Annette’ as we need to pass on my family tradition. MIL went quiet after that so I think she was quite offended.

In context, we NEVER discussed using her middle name, so she had zero idea. I also have been given jewellery and other family heirlooms to pass on to DD that is engraved with the middle name (I don’t have it myself as I have an older sister). The name is a big deal.

So was I rude, or was MIL presumptuous?

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat4 · 05/10/2018 23:44

I think traditions have a limited lifespan or should have a limited lifespan and sometimes should die out with the last one to use it tbh.

asprinklingofsugar · 05/10/2018 23:57

Just to clarify, is your DS older? If so, then it is obvious that if he had been a girl, that he would have received the middle name your DD was later given. If he is older, since your MIL knows the importance of the name to you and your family, YANBU. Also 4 weeks?!! 🙀

SummerIsEasy · 06/10/2018 00:08

I was named after my Father's sister in the family tradition and my DM always resented this. I sympathised with her until I learned that she would have called me Tracey instead. My maternal GM was called Alicia and for me this would have been so much better, but was never even considered.

My daughter likes the name Alicia and I hope she may use this when she has her own children, but would certainly not interfere.

Her partner's GM died recently and was called Olga. I recoil at the idea of having a grandchild called Olga, but would say zilch about this, as it is entirely up to the parents what names they choose.

TeaForTiger · 06/10/2018 00:12

MIL is UR and ridiculous.

Why would anyone tell a child that they would have been named after them, when it's completely untrue? It's bizarre and I would have corrected her too.

I'm assuming she was embarrassed more than upset (and so she should be), you definitely weren't rude just factual Confused

GenerationX2 · 06/10/2018 00:21

a big fuss about nothing - she was just hating and making conversation - you need to let it go.

YWBU

Original poster
GinSolvesEverything · 06/10/2018 01:27

Four weeks indeed is a marathon! Lots of deep breaths and time out required. They are mostly great and in the grand scheme of things are excellent in-laws. DH is also great and would have dealt with the dishwasher situation if he was home before I was.

The heirlooms were given to me to pass on after DD was born and named, zero expectation there of the name being passed on. I wanted to use it, and DH agreed with me. As it happens, if DD was born a boy, BOTH first and middle names would have been his choice and from his side of the family.

OP posts:
RibbonAurora · 06/10/2018 02:06

I think it was unnecessary and hurtful to do what you did. What harm was she doing playing a simple game of 'what might have been' with your don? You have your DC and you named them what you wanted to name them so it makes absolutely no difference if your MIL indulged in a little wishful thinking. I get you've had weeks of visitor stress and bother but even so you could have either let it go or just said 'yeah, ha ha, maybe' rather than 'immediately jumping in' to put her in her place. The worst is you embarrassed her in front of your DS by contradicting her like that and that's not right.

Eeevvvveee · 06/10/2018 06:36

She shouldn't have assumed but seeing as your son was a boy and the name thing would never be an issue, you didn't necessarily need to shoot her down (although I'd have done the same)

PootrolliumJelly · 06/10/2018 07:13

I think I reacted so abruptly as I was shocked that she would even say it. And off the back of the earlier annoyance!

That may have contributed by your annoyance leaking into your tone of voice and manner - more than what you actually said.

You corrected her and set the record straight about the name, which I don't see as a real issue.

I suppose you could always apologise if you felt you were being a bit abrupt and smooth the waters with MIL. Would do no harm.

PootrolliumJelly · 06/10/2018 07:16

They are mostly great and in the grand scheme of things are excellent in-laws

Then thank your lucky stars for this.

A loving grandmother who talks to your children is more valuable than the names of people who died hundreds of years ago.

If your MIL is always undermining you and causing trouble, that would be different.

famousfour · 06/10/2018 07:20

Sounds like you may have responded in a rude fashion rather than correcting her being rude if you see what I mean.

BooMare · 06/10/2018 07:26

I think you should apologise.

flumpybear · 06/10/2018 07:32

Yep I'd be a bit cross in your situation as it's random thin for her to say, it's presumptuous and just weird. She'd have no say in any child's name unless it was asked of her but still your choice

At the very best she could have said 'if you were a girl you may have had my name as your middle name if your parents had chosen a name from our side of the family ... but completely ridiculous too

She's odd, you're not being unreasonable

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/10/2018 07:37

YABU, haven’t you already used the sacred family name on your DD?

MrsGB2225 · 06/10/2018 07:37

So your first daughter had your mums middle name and your MIL assumed that if you had a second daughter she would have her middle name. I think that’s a fair assumption and you gained nothing by jumping in. They are BU for not tidying and helping more.

Jeippinghmip · 06/10/2018 07:44

Parents are the only ones who pick the names of their children. It’s absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

Billben · 06/10/2018 07:55

You should apologise. You snapped at her for a non issue such as this.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/10/2018 08:05

Is DS the eldest?

Thisreallyisafarce · 06/10/2018 08:06

I wouldn't make a big deal about this, but if anybody was rude, it was her. There's no reason for her to believe she has any say in how you name your children.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 06/10/2018 08:08

I don't think you should apologise and make a bigger drama, i think you should just move passed it. Unless MIL is still upset and showing it.

Both of you were unreasonable, she assumed and you were defensive. Given they'd left the place a mess for you to clean, I'm not surprised you snapped at her. Once you are annoyed, everything becomes an irritation.

Juells · 06/10/2018 08:10

Anyway, MIL last night said to DS that if he was a girl his name would have been ‘Sarah Olivia’ -

HRTFT because I can't believe you corrected her over something that never happened. *"If..." "Would have been...""

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 06/10/2018 08:11

I think ds is older hence why if he had been female, he would have had the (now dds) middle name. Sounds like a cultural thing and tradition? Which could also explain the OPs annoyance if in-laws are dismissive of it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/10/2018 08:13

If DS is the eldest MIL shouldn't have presumed, but if he's the second born I don't think there's anything wrong in her saying what she did, the OP has already used the family name.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 06/10/2018 08:15

Chill out. You jumped down her throat about something which wasn't going to happen. Your DS has a middle name from your DH's side - is it her husband's name, DH's father, by any chance? If so, she not unreasonably assumed if he'd been a girl you'd have given him her name. However I assume DS is older, so in your mind if he'd been a girl he'd have had the same name as DD and you'd have called your subsequent DD something else, maybe a DH family name?? It's all a storm in a teacup as it didn't happen like that and yes, you were rude. She clearly doesn't realise how precious you are about the family name on your side. You should apologise. (Mitigating circumstances in your defence, 4 weeks with the in-laws would make most people tetchy!)

JessicaJonesJacket · 06/10/2018 08:18

You were having a conversation about a hypothetical situation. DMIL wasn't really naming your child. You over-reacted and sound very touchy about your DD's middle name.