To think DH was being needlessly unkind

[dellacucina]

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

You are bu just for sharing A GLASS of wine. Who, and why, the fuck would you do that?

Was it your DH's suggestion? You need to ltb.

He's a controlling arse.

I feel like I am drowning. I don't know how I can carry on like this. DH wants to be able to treat me however he wants without consequence and he is resentful and angry when I demand that he consider me and my feelings.

Upon our return from holiday, it has been practically pure nastiness. I confronted him again yesterday about this night and asked why he didn't apologise the next day. First he said I was also in the wrong because I should not have gotten angry at him for drinking the wine. Then when I made him admit that it is stupid to say that the person who has been mistreated has a duty to behave impeccably, he said he was going to apologise at an appropriate time. Of course, we had spent hours alone the next day (the last day of our holiday) and he couldn't explain why that wasn't a good time.

He clearly hates me. I think he only wants to be in the marriage because he doesn't want the humiliation/hassle of a divorce. I have begun accusing him of cheating on me because for the last two years, we have only had sex like once a month on average when I throw myself at him. He says I am crazy. When I ask why we don't have sex then, he says it is because I am not nice to him. When I point out that this has been largely caused by his treatment of me, he says it's a vicious circle.

Why are you throwing yourself at him for sex?

Bluntness100: because he is the only source for it? Because I want our marriage not to be shit?

I'm sorry but it is shit. This is why you keep starting threads on it. He treats you terribly, I'm sure there is faults on both sides, there always is, but accusing him of cheating, throwing yourself at him for sex, i think you can see if you take a step back these are conflicting messages.

Do you really want to have sex with a man who you think is sleeping with another woman?

Why don't you leave him?

The thing is, if you genuinely think he is cheating, then deal with it, get an sti check, start to try to do some digging, deal with the reasons why you think this.

If you don't really think he's cheating, you're just saying it to be horrible because he doesn't want to have sex with you, then stop saying it.

These things normally follow a pattern. They become nasty when they’re seeing someone else. The wine thing may or may not be an issue but his behaviour to you most definitely is.

Bluntness: i think you can see if you take a step back these are conflicting messages.

Are you saying I am sending conflicting messages? I have just started accusing him of cheating lately, like in the past few weeks. I feel like this is quite crap of me but I really am becoming paranoid about it merely because of how badly he treats me and the fact that he seems to have zero interest in me at all. OTOH I have been having to initiate sex every time for years now

Could you have counselling? I’m sure I read that you are having marriage counselling but I think you could do with it for just you. It will help you untangle your thoughts. You sound so confused right now 💐

Teddy: I think I should look into counseling, yes. I feel that I am acting a bit crazy. I desperately need DH to be someone he seems incapable of being and I am reaching a breaking point.

We actually still haven't started the marriage counseling due to scheduling conflicts and the fact that it is DH's last priority.

Bluntness: my last post was written before I saw your new post. I don't have any evidence at all. He probably isn't cheating? But I feel something is really off

I can't see the point of marriage counseling if he he is unkind and doesn't appear to like you. He would just attempt to manipulate the discussion to show you in a bad light.

Sounds like you’ve lost yourself a bit. You’ve ended up not knowing how you feel at all. Counselling will help you figure that out and also you need to feel more in control and more empowered imo.

The counselling directory or the bacp are good places to search for a counsellor in your area.

Good luck, you’ll get there, take care of yourself.

Davespecifico: I agree it may not go well but I feel I need to give it a shot. We actually had one or two assessment sessions together and after the first one he angrily confronted me for having laughed in disbelief about something he said in the session. (The counselor didn't say it was wrong of me or anything, and I restrained myself from interrupting him - it was basically involuntary)

But I am not sure if I am crazy. Maybe it is my fault. I have had less and less patience for him and instead of ignoring when he snaps or doesn't treat me as I think he should, I now blow up. Maybe I need to just learn to suck it up and ignore.

Your relationship sounds very toxic for both of you - you don't sound like people making each other happy, or even that you like each other very much!

TheViceOfReason: I can't imagine he is happy. He thinks I am a nagging harpy. For my part, I am frustrated about having to nag him. He has always done whatever he wants, and forced me to do things his way, since basically the start of the relationship. Then when I react angrily or with frustration, he decides I am irrational and can be ignored.

RhiWrites: wow. He actually always does as you say. It is impossible for him to consider he may be at fault without a round of whataboutism. It's so exhausting.*

@dellacucina

It figures. His problems seems to be that he’s selfish, he’s aggressive, he’s unpleasant when challenged, he’s not self reflective, he’d rather stand his ground than apologise however wrong he is, and he’s instinctively cruel and unsupportive.

TBH, I think any woman can do better than this. Go and have some individual counselling to think through your options and then consider if there’s any chance of salvaging this relationship.

He sucks tho. I vote DTMFA.

I was also thinking you could do with individual counselling and that you are using alcohol to help you to continue living in this situation, just like others use anti-depressants.

Davespecifico: are you saying it seems likely/quite possible he is cheating? He is away overnight for work tonight and I feel anxious and suspicious.

On the face of it he sounds unkind - and if you can't share a bottle of wine together and have it go well then that's strange behaviour. However, maybe your do drink too much and maybe he is concerned, just didn't express it very well. Go dry for a couple of months and see how you feel or see if it's hard.

I don't think you drink too much op, or have a drink problem. I think you have a DH problem, to trot out the old saying. I think if you left him and stopped walking on eggshells and having to consider everything before you say or do it you'll probably naturally stop needing a drink to unwind each evening anyway.

I think he's a mean, controlling, selfish person and you'd be better off if you left him. You'd be happier anyway.

I talked with my mother about this last night and she said that I am to blame because I knew what sort of person he was when we married. I think I did but I hoped it would work out - knowing someone is selfish is different from seeing how it impacts you day-to-day, especially when you have young children and need more support. Her view is that I should ignore him more and stop giving him the power to upset me.

Your mum's advice sounds very old school. I wouldnt be influenced by it.
Just look on the the future. Do you want to live with this man I to your old age. Could you be happier alone or with someone who is kind to you, someone who sees you in your best light and motivates you to be your best self?