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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH was being needlessly unkind

364 replies

dellacucina · 05/10/2018 15:09

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 06/10/2018 08:43

Possibly? I’d say probably. It sounds, based on the little info I have from what you’ve said and other posters have said about older threads, that he saves up all these little nuggets then whips them out when they can be used to greatest effect to put you down and criticise. Not nice.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 08:48

LethalWhite: thanks for the alcohol information. I have been worrying about the amount I am drinking because I know it's not a healthy amount even if it is relatively normal and not generally affecting other parts of my life. This is useful for understanding the position better.

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 08:54

At the end of the night, I asked him if he thought I had forgotten the preceding night. He just said no. I told him that I hadn't and that I was very angry with him. He basically said we should discuss it later (which is what he said yesterday morning when I told him he is a mean and nasty man).

Based on past experience, I expect him never to bring this up on his own and to be annoyed with me if I do on the basis that this was an abberation and he is normally nice

OP posts:
Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 09:01

Sorry, to clarify, i am referring now at the end of last night, which was the day after the argument described in the OP.

By the end of last night, despite his comments the day before, he gave me an unsolicited aperol spritz, ordered a full bottle of wine to share, and suggested we get a post dinner drink.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2018 09:17

He took your drink and finished it then offered you his that he didn't want. Rude.

But distracted you (And plenty of posters here) by pretending it was for your own good as you have a problem.

RandomMess · 06/10/2018 09:49

He was pretty horrid. If he was truly concerned about your alcohol consumption he wouldn't be encourage after drinks/drinking in front of you etc.

You would benefit from cutting down though. I suspect your drinking is something he tucks away as a stick to beat you with occasionally to keep you in your place...

Gabilan · 06/10/2018 10:26

I think that people are generally saying it sounds like DH is a dick AND you may have a problem with alcohol.

Yes, this. I don't think the two things are separate. And whilst yes it is clearly wrong just to say that the OP should cut down and her DP is concerned, I don't think it does any good to view the H's behaviour in isolation. Like pp, I think the H (I'm leaving out the D quite deliberately) is aware of the OP's history in this respect and is using this to manipulate and belittle her. Which does not detract from the fact that she might be drinking too much.

If you've ever watched someone's slow descent into alcoholism you'll know that it can start with drinking to unwind, then drinking a bit more, then having a glass or two every day, then half a bottle every day, then a whole bottle, and so on. It creeps up until someone has gone from "oh we all drink that much" to someone who cannot function without drinking, and can't function with it either.

People forget that "normal" isn't a given in nature, it is something we decide upon. Sure we can to a degree make an objective decision about the amount of alcohol that will bring about pathological symptoms, although even then you'll have people citing the anecdata "I know lots of little old ladies who drink stout every day" (yes love, they're not old. They're 55 and look 85 because they drink stout every fucking day). But when it comes to what counts as a statistically normal amount, that will be skewed by people who drink too much for their health, but view it as fine because everyone around them is drinking similar amounts.

So it's not victim blaming to discuss the OP's alcohol consumption with her, so long as it's not done in isolation. Personally OP I think you'll find your alcohol consumption would drop a lot quite naturally if you weren't married to an arse.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 13:01

Update: I forced a short conversation this morning. He admitted he was probably drunk and nasty.

He also said that however, he has a point, doesn't he? I told him that we both acknowledge that I like drinking slightly too much but pointed out that it's not actually a big problem in my life. (He loves to say that I get too wasted "every time", but I was able to point out a number of times when I could have been blasted but exercised restraint, including at the hen do which preceded the wedding).

When I said it doesn't matter if he is right and that he should not weaponise his knowledge of my frailties and insecurities, he said he was just trying to make me stop drinking on this occasion.

OP posts:
Ninjawannabee · 06/10/2018 13:37

That's bollocks though isn't it? As evidenced by him giving you another glass of wine instead, the one he didn't want. And him giving you lots of drinks last night.

Bluearsedfly36 · 06/10/2018 13:48

Sorry OP, he's still a dick

Gabilan · 06/10/2018 13:51

Seconded. He's still a dick.

Bluntness100 · 06/10/2018 15:16

Seems like he's projecting his issues here op. It's him that's the drinker isn't it?

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 15:21

Bluntness: I drink more but he is pretty into drinking. Our flight was delayed and he announced that this meant we could have some wine first, yay.

OP posts:
lovetherisingsun · 06/10/2018 15:28

Hmmm....I can see his point kind of. My mum does this, she drinks every night and to be honest I've had to put up with it for so, so long now that it irritates me when she starts to slur slightly, even after only one glass, because no matter what she angrily insists her behaviour changes. I hate it. I can only imagine that maybe your husband is the same and is fed up of having to see it night after night?

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 15:33

lovetherisingsun: I take your point and will consider it, but he is irritable and critical about a lot of things, not just this. My wine is a just before bed thing after DD is asleep. It helps me sleep...

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 06/10/2018 19:33

This is totally your business OP, but I used to use alcohol to help me sleep until it stopped working for that but I kept on drinking. Then I was using alcohol to destress. Fortunately I stopped drinking two weeks before being caught up in a massive earthquake, because I would have drunk myself silly with the stress and been absolutely no use at all.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 19:44

Coyoacan: why did you stop in the end?

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 06/10/2018 20:44

God. It’s not that hard to fathom. The husband is a dick.

Two people who both like a drink order two glasses of wine to share. The man prefers the wine the woman is drinking, takes it and necks it, leaving one less nice glass. The woman suggests they order another of the one she was drinking.

The man is annoyed she won’t just take the less nice glass and to shut her up tells her she’s drinking too much, slurring her words, and she should stop.

He’s not concerned about OP, his later behaviour shows he’s happy to drink and to encourage her to drink. He said those things because she challenged him by drawing attention to his selfishness.

I bet he does selfish shit all the time and if she reacts he lays into her or gets sulky.

OP, you are sensibly reflective and aware that you enjoy alcohol a little more than is good for you. You are not a problem drinker.

Your husband is a giant cock. He’s a selfish angry man who likes to make you feel small to hide his own petty selfish bullshit. Things won’t improve until he can say “sorry, I was wrong” without instantly adding “but you're wrong too”.

Coyoacan · 06/10/2018 22:15

I stopped because I didn't like having an addiction and for some reason at that moment it was easy.

But I am not saying you have an addiction, OP. Most people were surprised when I said I was an alcoholic but I knew I was going out in the wind and the rain to get something to drink.

Original poster
dellacucina · 06/10/2018 23:00

RhiWrites: wow. He actually always does as you say. It is impossible for him to consider he may be at fault without a round of whataboutism. It's so exhausting.

OP posts:
Belina · 06/10/2018 23:45

Hes a prick

Original poster
dellacucina · 07/10/2018 00:18

I am now getting the sniffles and DH was pleased as can be for the excuse to sleep in the spare room Hmm

OP posts:
SnipSnipMisterBurgess · 07/10/2018 00:38

Are you home now dellacucina?

Holidays are often a time when people rethink life and take a step back. I can’t count the number of new businesses I’ve dreamed up, new hobbies, new ‘me’s I’ve invented, on holidays. But it sounds like your holiday exaggerated your incompatibility. If he was a heightened version of himself on holidays ... look, he’s not nice, he cuts you down, he is superior, he plays on your fears, and he has made you unhappy. Perhaps with work and day to day busyness, you didn’t notice it was always thus.

Original poster
dellacucina · 07/10/2018 00:44

SnipSnip: yes, back. I have been aware that I am unhappy, but I had really hoped we could reconcile. The week away has made me feel more hopeless and, as you say, highlighted what may just be basic incompatibility. DH basically has a principled opposition to putting anyone else's feelings first, and I am very sensitive and like to have my feelings considered (plus I generally do worry about others' feelings)

OP posts:
overnightangel · 08/10/2018 06:19

You have a drink problem
He’s not a nice man
Time to stop pissing about and actually take responsibility for your life, pretty simple really