To think DH was being needlessly unkind

[dellacucina]

DH and I are on holiday. Last night, we ordered some post dinner wines which we (apparently) were sharing as they were two different varieties. I was about to take a sip of my wine, which I probably would have had another couple of drinks from, when DH demanded another taste. He proceeded to down the whole thing.

I suggested we get another glass of this particular wine to share. He handed me his glass and said I could finish it. I said again we should order another glass of my wine to share. He responded that I didn't need any more. I asked what he meant and he said I was slurring my words and I drink too much. This was our third glass of wine, so I had had quite a lot but I don't think a crazy amount?

After more discussion, it was established that I wasn't slurring in the sense that my language was garbled, but I was enunciating slightly differently than usual. DH insisted again that I drink too much and mentioned a wedding we went to recently where I was quite drunk (a little obnoxious and somehow lost a shoe which I suspect fell out of my bag on the Tube). Then he went on about how I am nearly 40 and "it's not a good look."

I usually have one glass of wine every night (I buy single serving bottles to avoid overpouring) and I rarely go out. I probably get quite drunk once or twice a year at events like girls' nights.

Was it unreasonable of him to suck down the last of my wine?

Am I unreasonable to think he should not have jumped all over me about drinking in general? His attitude definitely wasn't one of concern.

I truly despise him. I am sure he is just pleased I haven't complained. I have barely looked him in the eye.

This may be the night I fully give up on this shitty relationship.

PurpleTiger: that is very sweet of you. Sadly, I can assure you he does not worry about anyone but himself.

The fact that you were so annoyed about him drinking ‘your wine’ makes it sound as though you do have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol tbh ha ha ha ha - bloody hell if someone drunk my wine he'd be the unhealthy one after that I'd be twatting him with something.

dellacucina sounds like it is his way or no way. Last night, he’d had enough (of yours ) therefore you had had enough. Today you didn’t obligingly enjoy the Aperol Spritz that he gave you, therefore you are wasteful. He likes you to conform to his agenda, and good luck to you trying to second guess how to behave in a way he considers acceptable.

Ergo, he’s a dick.

As a sidebar, well done you being alert to your limits. As the daughter of a (deceased) alcoholic I’m also concerned about my limits, you are better at them than me.

SnipSnip: I honestly feel that it is a constant consideration and struggle. I do generally think that I have it under control now - definitely more so than in my 20s. I wish you luck in finding your balance.

How long is left of the holiday? He does sound like a contemptible gaslighting asswipe (but am sure he has/had some redeeming qualities ).

Am 100% on your side. Feeling despise towards your partner is no way to live, and this feeling seems to have been building for a while. Your drinking habits sound within completely normal realms, and you have very good self awareness about your limits and family/personal history.

I really appreciate all the perspectives people have offered and I realise now that different posters have asked questions I have failed to answer. Eek, will try to to get to some of them tomorrow!

Heartshaped: the holiday ends tomorrow. I actually had quite high hopes that we could have a nice trip but it has been quite shit the whole week. It has been building for a long time, yes.

If I had to live with a prick like your H, I would be fucking drunk every night. He's a misogynist bully.

So sorry that you're going through this. Whatever happens, please do remind yourself that drinking a glass of wine a night is not the cause. It is more about a fundamental incompatibility (despite what the teetotallers of Mumsnet might say).

We went on a night out to a show on our recent holiday. Wine was free with the rather expensive ticket and was predictably rather cheap and nasty.

Nonetheless my husband imbibed freely of this and became rather embarrassing towards the end of the evening. Without going into details, we argued afterwards about his behaviour.

It isn't his normal behaviour and not the end of the world. We had great craic telling our DCs about it when we got back home. DH feels like a twat now and it will be mostly forgotten, although we won't be going back to the same venue as it was embarrassing.

We’re hearing one side here. It doesn’t matter how often or how much you drink. The point is the effect it has on your life and those around you. Losing shoes? Nah that’s bad op. You’ve admitted to being loud etc, come on love you know you’ve got to rein it in a bit

Another point here. When your other half gets a bit squiffy you’re supposed to keep an eye, get them home safe and have a word the next day. That’s love

I feel like on this thread people are projecting their own relationships with alcohol and not a lot of people are listening to the OP

The OP seems to be trying to trek is that her OH is a selfish dickhead, and that she's a bit concerned about her own alcohol intake.

Two separate points which have converged in the wine stealing incident.

I'm finding it very frustrating that many posts are concentrating on either her drinking levels or saying that her OH just cares about her.

OP your OH sounds like an arse who you've reached the end of the road with. Whether he thinks you drink too much and whether he's right is a side issue IMO. Good luck sorting out what you need to do to end the relationship

FWIW since I'm getting a very loud message from you that you think you drink too much, or at just at the brink of too much and worried about toppling over, listen to your own worries and try and cut back a little.

A small glass most nights is within guidelines but only just. Slightly bigger, two glasses, an additional brandy, or slightly stronger wine all tip this clearly into too-much territory. The fact that MN drinkers at the same level don't want to acknowledge this is their problem, not yours. I think 2 or 3 alcohol free days is a very good idea - just see how it feels. If you can't manage it then you know they're if a developing problem. If you can manage it fine then might be good to implement it some weeks.

But either way your OH sounds like a mean who you no longer love, so get rid! Might be with starting a new thread about that as this one has a weird vibe with a lot of people not listening to you or addressing the issue. IMO

Aintnothingbutaheartache: in terms of the effect on those around me, I am quite certain that the only consequence to anyone else is that once or twice a year I am quite drunk and silly. This annoys DH and I guess may embarrass him because he thinks drunkenness is uncouth. I don't believe that I am objectively loud when drunk, nor am I mean. Just stupid.

I don't really like the idea of being like this, but I do wonder if it is it that unusual or pathetic?

I do want to emphasise again that i wasn't wearing the shoe at the time.

Ninjawannabee: yes, I think you understand how I feel.

I feel that DH is quite mean to me a lot of the time and I have been very unhappy. I actually have posted other threads about it because my misery has been mounting. I was wondering if maybe on this occasion I deserved the way he treated me or if it was warranted in some way.

1. Ignore those making a meal of you losing your shoe. Likely a high heel in a smallish bag if you were out? It happens every day to women who are drunk, sober and all states in between. Thousands of items are lost ever day. It doesn’t mean the owners have a drinking problem.

2. Unless you’re not being candid about what you said at the wedding, you were not obnoxious. You may have seen the recent thread about things not to say to women with no children. At no point was it regarded as insensitive to acknowledge children exist and are for most people a nice experience. Probably more hurtful in most circumstances to very obviously tiptoe around unless someone has had a very, very recent loss.

There is only one problem here and that’s your awful DH.

Quartz2208: just wanted to acknowledge your message. Yes, sadly, I do think that this is another example of broader patterns in the relationship. He claims he is making a real effort to be nicer to me, but this doesn't seem very nice.

Even if you were wearing the shoe, who cares. I’ve seen people - sober people - lose shoes from off their feet multiple times. Unfortunately women’s shoes are not the most secure so ballet pumps, flip flops and court shoes drop off into the gap pretty regularly.

NB TfL won’t recover them unless they are on the metal track itself in which case they knock them off onto the floor but don’t recover them and you go home shoeless. The Overground staff at Euston are lovely and have a kind of long pincer to recover your shoe but only after the train leaves so you must catch the next one.

LostInShoebiz: I think it is a bit hilarious to see that you know so much about shoes given your username!

I didn't tell the full story about the childless woman because it was quite a specific detail, but this is so deep into the thread that I may as well: she said she is considering freezing her eggs. I said this is a great idea and then went on about how i wasn't sure about having children but that DD has changed my life - so I was trying to encourage her and explain how much it is worth it. She would have seen that I was drunk and overly gushing about DD. It all came from a place of wanting to make her feel good about making this decision, but was obviously inelegant.

Jesus the anti alcohol brigade are out in force on this thread. OP you do not sound like you have a problem with alcohol based on losing a shoe and drinking a glass most nights. Thats less than 14units per week.Your dh does indeed sound like a piece of work. So older women aren't allowed to be drunk now?

Doesn’t sound offensive or insensitive at all. You gave your personal experience which is fine.

*trying to TELL US he's a selfish dickhead

Bluntness100: thanks for your perspective. Yes, he drinks a fair amount. He is more likely than I am to go a few days without drinking, however.

LostInShoebiz: that's nice to hear, but DH had the view that is was not acceptable. He was more sober than me so arguably had better judgement, but possibly was just being mean.