No, DH, you are not fucking 'helping' me

[KatnissMellark]

By doing the dishwasher once in a blue moon

Relatively light hearted. He grew up with a mother who did everything for him, has vaguely learnt to pull his weight but occasionally often slips back into lazy mode and when reminded to contribute to the running of the household is terribly offended and feels I'm calling him a bastard. I'm not most of the time

We don't share many tasks 50:50.

It suits us to have more defined jobs, it means we know where we are with a task, thinks don't get duplicated etc.

Just look at any of the mat leave threads on here. 'I'm on mat leave, H now expects a hot meal on the table every night.' 'Well, you're at home.' 'I had octuplets and chronic Ebola and still managed to knock up a home cooked meal every night.' 'He's at work, earning, you're just sat at home.' 'What about omlettes, stir fries, lasagne, batch cooking, lentils?'

It's leave paid by your employer to recover from childbirth, not increase your house duties because your lazy sexist partner thinks the Little Wifey's job is now Maid of All Work.

I have to say that my dh is doing an awful lot of stuff around the home at the moment because I am utterly sick to death of the mess and tend to just hide away from it. We’ve had some work done which resulted in an awful muddle and our house has looked like a jumble sale for about a year now. I couldn’t see the wood for the trees and just didn’t know what to do with it all. Dh will come home from work and throw a load of clothes in the washing machine and have a little tidy up and not say a word. I feel bad that I’m not pulling my weight. And he works full time and I’m only part time. I do do all the childcare but he’s not here for school runs etc. But then I did used to do the majority of the housework before we fell into a more equal routine.

I have a friend who I think is aiming to be a Stepford Wife. She evens packs her husbands lunch every night. I have asked her why she still does this but it’s just so ingrained in her. He is emotionally abusive though so I guess it’s partly fear of not living up to the stereotypical perfect wife image.

leftrightcentre
I'm guilty of that, I do most things at the minute because I'm on mat leave.
Dh doesn't expect it tho and it's my choice. Dc has naps totalling around 2.5h a day while dh is at work, I prefer to get the housework done in that time so when he's home we get quality time together not doing housework.
I also cook every night. I love cooking and it's my "me time". Dh spends some time with dc so gets that, and i get a break from childcare and do something i enjoy.

Sometimes it just works for you, it doesn't have to be wrong for one person to do most of the housework.
However, I will say he does most housework at the weekend, does things in a morning around the house/with dc while I either sleep or relax, he regularly gives me alone time so I can chill out. I definitely don't spend 100% of my time with childcare or housework.

DP and I went away for the weekend a few weeks back. On our return Ds(18) told me that him and his girlfriend had hoovered for 'us'. ( meaning me and DP ) The look on his girlfriend's face was priceless when I ranted on saying ' you did it for us, what are you on about, you live here, you men you hoovered up because it needs doing and you are. Duly able bodied adult human that lives here! I expect you to do it without wanting a pat on the sodden back matey!'

I didn't precheck. I didn't mean ' Duly'. I think it was supposed to be ' you are'

God I hate these kind of threads. This just shouldn't exist in 2018!

Also to the people making excuses for their DPs and blaming their MIL (always a woman's responsibility, eh? Never the FILs!) my parents didn't teach me any housework either - they barely made me do anything around the house. So I learned myself and it didn't take long. Men can learn to do housework, because they are bloody people and people can learn to do new stuff! Probably none of us could do our paid jobs without a bit of effort and learning. It's no different. If someone isn't pulling their weight at home, it's because they can't be bothered.

Someone on this thread literally just said 'mothers should teach their sons to do housework.' Facepalm. I know it was meant well, but why the mother? This is the whole problem in a nutshell!

Well fucking said leftrightcentre

It makes sense for you to do it, you're at home

It makes sense for you to do it, he doesn't see mess

It makes sense for you to do it, you're just better at it

"What needs doing" makes me furious.

As does disappearing for hours to 'tidy the garage' at the hint of housework.

Yet there are women everywhere bending over backwards to serve these overgrown toddlers, because it makes sense.

Someone on this thread literally just said 'mothers should teach their sons to do housework.' Facepalm. I know it was meant well, but why the mother?
Where was this said? I'm missing it.

I blamed my mother in law and yes it wasn’t my late father in laws fault due to the nature of his work. My mother in law did not work, she waits/ waited on her ds hand and foot, however demands very different from her daughter. She very much believes that I should be main point of housework, and has said gems such as “how on Earth will you manage to look after dh properly when you are working” or “ ah, yes it must be good having such a nice kitchen to prep dh meals in”
You do not need someone to directly demonstrate something to learn it, just because fil didn’t do many chores when dc growing up, does not mean the ds could not learn.

If something DH has used sits in the sink for a couple of days ( because I refuse to wash it up and so does he) I throw it up the end of the garden. He doesn’t realise until he goes to use the item and it’s not there!

My DP and I got a cleaner because frankly life's too short. However I refused to look for one, read recommendations, and sort the logistics - nope. It took twice as long but he did it after I pointed out agreeing we need one is only half the faff!

He is well raised, both parents contribute to the household and his dad cooks and EVEN HOOVERS WITHOUT WANTING A MEDAL. I know, shocking, more than my Dad ever did. So DP is a good egg, and has never dared utter the words 'for you' in relation to a household task. Its his washing too etc etc. And he always makes me tea in the morning, so he's a keeper!