No, DH, you are not fucking 'helping' me

[KatnissMellark]

By doing the dishwasher once in a blue moon

Relatively light hearted. He grew up with a mother who did everything for him, has vaguely learnt to pull his weight but occasionally often slips back into lazy mode and when reminded to contribute to the running of the household is terribly offended and feels I'm calling him a bastard. I'm not most of the time

What @AltheaorDonna and @speakout said.

I cringe so much when my friends take turns to complain about their manchild, and then look at me for my contribution. And then they tell me I'm so "lucky" that my boyfriend can do things like put clothes in and out the washing machine, clean the bathroom etc...and I just think well I should f*ing hope so, he's 33 not 3 years old!!

One friend told me how happy she was that her partner has finally started putting his dirty laundry in the laundry basket "for her" the other day. She does all the laundry, but gold star for him working out dirty pants don't live on the floor .

Why do so many women live their lives like this in 2018?!

One of the reasons I have stayed married for 27 years is the fact I married a competent adult, not a total dick like so many people on this thread.

Why do women put up with this?

It’s a bit more complicated than ‘urgh how doesn’t he do chores like an adult, leave him!’. I live with a man who was/is like this. When you’re raised to not see chores to be done, it takes a lot of work to ‘undo’ the bad parenting they evidently went through. You can love a person despite their infuriating inability to see mess. However, it should not be pandered to, and my partner over the years has trained himself out of that mindset. Not completely though, and it’s still probably the biggest cause of arguments in our home. His parents (mother especially) thinks I’m mean, and his big manly brain is too busy concentrating on more ‘intelligent’ things .

Funny how women end up getting the blame here.

Lazy arsehole can't be bothered putting his pant in a washing basket, and it is his mother's fault.

Not that he is simply a lazy arsehole.

I had one like this. His favourite thing was to declare every few months that the flat was disgusting and we needed to do a ‘proper big clean’. Then he’d fuck off into the bedroom and spend 3 hours alphabetising his CD collection under the pretence of ‘having a clear out’ while I did all the actual cleaning.

I did no chores or housework as a child.

Nothing.

Somehow I am capable of running a home.

Is it because I don't have a penis do you think?

lisasimpsonssaxophone

More fool you.

My DH usually acts like he understands that household chores are a joint effort and does take on his fair share of tasks. However, we recently had a new wood floor laid and a few days later he told me that he's bought me a present. Of a new hard floor head for the Dyson! He was a bit put out that I wasn't that impressed even when I pointed out that 1) he usually does the hoovering and 2) a tool for cleaning the house is not a present.

DH currently wants a round of applause for changing battery in the kitchen scales (which to be fair have needed doing for months). I've been up all night dealing with DD's very nasty tummy bug, so whatever jobs he does today, unless it involves dealing with bodily fluids that aren't his own, I win

I always find it ironic that the mother gets blamed in these threads. If you want the equality try blaming their dad as well

I’ve just commented on another post saying I do all the housework and this is pretty much my choice DP does all the cooking. But he will occasionally wash up or throw some washing into the machine and honestly never shuts up about it! I often reply with a slow clap and some sarcastic remark about what a good boy he’s been and he can get a sticker on his chart now 😂 this usually shuts him up haha

Some good replies to the 'why do you put up with it crowd'...some more reasons:

We were both brought up in families where this was the norm
Got together at 18 and didn't know any better/a different way (I was young and stupid and a mug!)
Developed my self confidence/self worth/feminist beliefs over the last 15 years of adulthood, wasn't exposed to it as a youngster and slowly trying to bring DH round (he agrees in principle, just needs a lot of encouragement to put it into practice)
I'm not going to break up a 15 year relationship, marriage and my kids family because I have to nag him to do housework
He acknowledges he can be a lazy fuck, it shouldn't be this way (but it is completely ingrained) and tries to make up for it
I'm not perfect either
He puts up with my shite

Thank god I have my imperfect friends who I'm allowed to discuss my (and DHs) imperfections with

I went on holiday with the kids for 10 days.
First thing dh said to me when I walked back in was "I managed to put some washing on for you while you were away"

He looked pleased as punch though so I pointed out it was all his stuff so not for me (not quite so politly)

He hasn't put a load on since.

Or he'll do this really weird thing when washing up and leave a few things on the side!? Why? That makes me plan where to put him under my patio

speakout

Thanks for that I was gaslit and beaten into submission (mostly emotionally but occasionally physically) until it was just easier to do everything myself rather than complain and risk days of abuse in retaliation. I’m totally aware of how fucked up it was so I could do without the snarky comments, thanks.

My husband is now retired and i work full time. I came home to him moaning "i've washed up 3 times today", well yes you would because you've eaten 3 times.

I'm sitting on my lazy behind perusing MN whilst watching my dh tidy up around me. I do my fair share, just not today.

lisasimpsonssaxophone

It was because I was beaten, raped and abused by my late husband.
No need to pull that card- I know all about it.

But the women on this thread are not being abused, they are complicit in lazy behaviour.

Hopefully broken the pattern for someone out there - on Wednesday my DS 16 said to me as I walkout the door 'I'm off college today, is there anything particular needs doing or shall i just give the house a once over?'
I know it costs me the odd £10 but the fact he knows what a 'once over' entails = proud mum!

Man: Does what you do everyday, once.
Man: This household would fall apart without me

I'm a sahm and my DH works insane hours so I'm quite content to do the housework, but I still expect him to do his part like cooking meals occasionally, dirty laundry in the basket, dishwasher loaded.

I did kind of lose it a bit the other day as out of the 5 people in this house I hadn't yet eaten, but had emptied the dishwasher ready for it to be loaded throughout the day and on top of the worktop, above the dishwasher was everyone's dirty plates and bowls from breakfast and my lunch. I started loading the dishwasher whilst yelling "I've not even fucking eaten yet so why am I loading all your stuff into the dishwasher" at which point DH came up, told me to go relax and he'd do it like it was some massive favour.

"Thank god I have my imperfect friends who I'm allowed to discuss my (and DHs) imperfections with"

If you're happy like that, then great. No one is perfect but I find it sad and frustrating to hear my friends complain (sometimes jokingly, sometimes in floods of tears) about the same things about their other halves again and again tbh, especially about basic things like housework. Because I love my friends and care about them, and some of them are with lazy useless manchildren who are not good enough for them. They are wasting hours of their life picking up their partners dirty pants.

For those who's useless manchildren use the excuse that they "don't see dirt and mess", I bet you anything their cars/bikes or similar are kept clean and spotless inside and out. It's amazing how many men can see dirt and mess on their cars/bikes/golf clubs/sports equipment, whatever but somehow that ability to see and deal with it disappears when they're inside a house.

I'm bringing both my DC's (one of each) up knowing how to cook, clean, wash clothes, budget, do DIY etc, etc because I see it as my job to produce fully functional adults!

Has this been posted yet?

“Thank god I have my imperfect friends who I'm allowed to discuss my (and DHs) imperfections with"

There are imperfections- and there’s not being a functioning adult human being.

Why the fuck are there men writing retrospective lists of chores they’ve done?! Creating extra unnecessary work when they’re reluctant to do the essential jobs that they’re writing about - what is the fucking point?

I’ll not hold my breath that they’re going to hang onto those lists as future reference to enable them to know what chores to do without asking the default chore-doer.