Ex possibly ignoring me when I tell him to no longer have his weekend contact with the dc at my house

[curious2]

Ex has been coming to my house on Saturday mornings to see the kids for months now. He usually cooks them a meal and stays for about 4 hours, and I used to go out to facilitate this.

I have now started working 5 days a week so emailed ex about a week and a half ago to tell him to take the dc out instead of being in the house with them. He ignored that email and rocked up as usual last Saturday. Instead of going out I stayed at home but it was awkward as we are not on speaking terms at all.

So I have emailed him again, telling him that he can spend time in the house with the dc during the week when I am at work, but at weekends he has to take them out. His accommodation is not suitable for them to stay over, but that is also down to choices he has made since the divorce.

The divorce was very traumatic, and the reason it is happening in the first place is because ex was emotionally and verbally abusive.

My dc are all at secondary school.

If he comes over again this weekend, after he has received two emails about this, what do I do?

The reason I can’t go out any more at weekends is because my week is totally knackering, and I really need that time at home.

Ex moved out in April.

Have the children dressed and ready to go and standing at the door (or even already in the front yard). When he arrives, open the door, send the children out, say 'see you at 4' and firmly close the door behind them.

Why isn’t he seeing them at his place?

Are your kids old enough to be stood outside when (before) he arrives so that he is never let in to your house? Or to contact him themselves to arrange to meet him elsewhere (local cafe, shops, park, skate park, whatever)? Could you have a friend there with you on Saturday morning who can answer the door and usher the kids out without letting him in (to avoid you needing to have an unpleasant conversation)?

Sorry, I see you said it’s not suitable.

I think it’s time to start firming up your boundaries. He shouldn’t be in your home at all.

Café?
Restaurant?
Cinema?
Bowling?
Cf using your home.
You are enabling him to be a lazy fuck imo.

I think the easiest would be if you arrange a meeting place that isn't your house. Could you take the kids to his? Or some neutral location? Could you email him to say Kids will be at McDonalds on the high street at 10am to meet you - don't come to the house we won't be there.

I’ve been in the same position. On the one hand it’s the DCs home and they should have who they want there etc etc but on the other it’s MY home.

I set my boundaries and held firm. It’s really hard but that’s what you need to do. He needs to provide space for his children.

How does he get into your house?

What do the kids think about it?
I'd talk to them about it, they are old enough to see your situation and how awkward it is for you.

Or....
How bolshy are you?

Follow him around your house.

Make him feel very unwelcome.

Does he bring the food he cooks?
If so, make all pans dirty before he arrives.
If he doesn't, don't have any food in.

If he moans say "like I said in the emails I've sent you, I will not be accommodating you in my home"

I take it you don’t need to be told he is an unreasonable arse, so I think this is all about tactics and recourse.

If it’s your home now, then you should not let him in. I would send a third email and track “receipt and read”. Be clear that it is not an option and he must make alternative arrangements. Maybe ask him where is meeting the children and you will drop them off. Essentially try to get him to acknowledge and respond to your email before he rocks up at the weekend. If he doesn’t then prepare for this eventuality as best you can. You know have a clear record that you explained the situation to him.

Unfortunately he is forcing an awkward and difficult confrontation with the children at the centre. You need to find think through the implications of any action for them.

If you force this issue, will he stop contact and blame you? There is a risk the children buy into this to some extent. It might be worth sitting them down and explaining the situation to them. Ask them how they feel about it, they may want to continue to see him in the house for the time being. Even so, you need to put an end to it.

To what extent do you think he will break contact if you force this issue? From what you have said he isn’t one for making good decisions in the interests of his children or himself.

You are right to force the issue but the outcome may be that he cuts contact and tries to blame you for it.

That's just a continuation of previous abuse. My ex wasn't abusive but no way in hell would I allow him into my house even when I was there.

Who knows what an abusive ex gets up to while you're out - in your knicker drawers and dirty clothes basket or on your laptop. Yuck yuck yuck don't let him past your door and change your locks if he has a key. Or just get an extra one that he doesn't have a key for.

What do the kids say?

Can they tell him what they would like to do in that time?

If he's not working then can't he see them during the week, while you are at work and then you can spend some quality time with the children at weekends.
You are giving him a lot of contact and allowing him to use your house during the week, you are being more than reasonable and accommodating.

You don't need to let him in your home. Shut the door (or dont open it!) and send children out when he arrives. Ask him to leave if he tries to step inside your house.

You're no longer together. He has his own residence even if not suitable for sleep overs. Other NRP manage it, they take children out!

I think it's nice you have been letting him have use of your home for chold contact but as it no longer suits you (its not really a great long term plan if you're not very close nor on great terms) then you change it.

He can ignore emails as much as he wants but that doesn't mean he can legally ignore you withdrawing permission.

Make sure children know that Dad is no longer spending time in your home with them, his time is out elsewhere. Shoes and coats on ready.

I made the mistake of letting my ex use my home for contact. He used it as an opportunity to spy on me.
And things like letting children make a mess and photographing it to 'prove' I was a bad mum as my house was messy.

I strongly advise you avoid him coming into the home if you can.

Thanks for all your answers.

Dealing with various suggestions that people have made:

My dc are all too old for me to have them ready at the door - they are lazy teenagers (apart from the youngest) who often don’t want to go out. That’s part of the problem - ex comes to mine because he knows he won’t see all of them otherwise.

It was fine for a long time, and I guess I feel guilt because ex feels like the victim - not being in the family home any more. Financially things are fair however (and more than I imagine probably, because he did not provide all the paperwork during the divorce), but his half is bitty and he needs to consolidate things. Still, he has made choices since the divorce which have meant that the dc cannot stay over where he is currently living.

Now however, my week is knackering, and I really need all the weekend at home. I have tried doing the thing where I do stuff elsewhere in the house while he is here, but it is just depressing. One of the awful features of our marriage was that he sometimes wouldn’t speak to me for weeks at a time, so this just feels like more of the same and makes me feel worthless. Even more annoying was the week before last when I heard him oh so kindly offer my lodger some of the food he had made .

I have told the older two dc that I have asked their Dad to take them out, and also told them that they have to make the effort to actually go out (instead of their Dad sitting downstairs and them popping down for some time to see him, while he carries on sitting there and cooking throughout the 4 hours), but I am not sure that they will actually go out. Especially one of them.

I haven’t yet made it completely clear to the youngest, and she might be a little upset, but on the other hand she is also the one who is most likely to go out.

Last week I did stay in the room and cook, because he had obviously ignored my email. He sat on the sofa with one of my dc and didn’t move off it for about 4 hours, but was obviously put out. Now that I have sent my second email, I am waiting to see what he does. He doesn’t like being told what to do, and probably feels like even more of a victim now, so I don’t predict good things.

I do still have to change the locks, and will, but in any case the dc would just let him in.

If he comes this weekend and stays, then I think I will ask my solicitor to send him a letter. If he still comes after that, can I call the police? Extreme I know, but I can’t spend one half of the weekend either out even if I don’t want to be, or at home feeling shit. It takes me ages to recover.

It is the possible confrontation at the door which is scary and also I wouldn’t want the kids to witness it.

I guess he will be telling them that he is hard done by. The thing is, the fact that he has “lost” the family home does feel strange and not right (and ex thinks I was only ever after the house ), but I have to try and move on now. He has massively moved on and was already with someone new while we in the same house during the divorce (I don’t know if they are still together), it was massively obvious to me and very painful, so I don’t see why every Saturday I still have to tiptoe around him one way or another .

Does he still own the house or has it now been transferred to you? If it is now yours, change the locks. Apart from anything else, the police won't thank you if you could have changed the locks but instead rang them.

I see that you've spoken to your children. If they're older, they probably can't be made to go out if they don't want to. However, it would be kind if they would help you to make the transition from him having access at your house.

Is he punctual? If so, tell him that the children will be at cafe / McDonald's at x time. It will be pointless going to your house if they won't be there (and he won't have a key). Assuming that you are on a bus route, make sure that they have money for the bus home when they've had enough.

Hi OP

Is it you or him deciding that his accommodation isn't suitable? And what choices has he made that make it the case?

I think you probably need to get the dc onside as a priority. There’s little point in manning up and laying down boundaries if they then aren’t prepared to go out or just let him in anyway.

Can you explain to them how you feel and ask them what they can suggest? That way they will be mere likely to work with you.

But obviously YANBU and getting shot of him is essential. You’ve been highly accommodating but now it’s time to properly get your life back.

He is living in a commercial premises that he owns, but is not really supposed to be there. He did have funds and does have other properties / share of properties. The funds he has used to buy a piece of land which he intends to build a small house on. Which will then leave him with the properties both personal and commercial, as his living or pension I suppose. The dc don’t want to go to where he is - I am not stopping them. They are too old for me to be able to do that in any case, even if I wanted to.

Yes the house is mine now. It feels odd though and certainly ex feels that he has unfairly lost it and probably that I am nothing but a bitch.

I know talking of police is extreme, and I probably wouldn’t do it!

I did say in my email to ex that he was welcome to be in the house with the dc in the week evenings while I am still at work - but this week he hasn’t done that at all (he does, sometimes), which probably means he does intend to come here on Saturday.

All of it feels awful. The whole situation.

I will talk to the kids more, but they are often still in bed when ex gets here on Saturdays, which makes things harder.

Then part of me thinks I should let the current arrangement continue, as after all am I the one “living it up” (not really) in the house .

How old are the DCs?

It sounds as though he’s copping out. Far easier for him to hang around in their space than make them get up and do stuff, like, you know, parents have to. Maybe I’m just projecting though?

I think it’s time to draw a line under this arrangement. He’s an adult and a parent. He needs to get this sorted. The DCs sound as though they are old enough to understand it and it won’t do them any harm for them to do their bit to make it work.

My XH lives close by, they make their own arrangements. As long as we eat together the nights when everyone is in (twice a week) and I don’t have to see XH, it’s fairly straightforward.

Why is he turning up when they’re in bed?

When they’re up they can text him and make their own arrangements with him, none of it anywhere near your home.

He seems to be under the mistaken impression that he has any right to dictate anything, he and you have no reason to deal with anything, he can take his lead from the kids.

If they’re asleep when he comes on Saturday, don’t answer the door.

Sounds like a big part of your problem is your kids not getting up and being ready. I would change the locks and work on making your kids get up.

Arrange to be in a cafe with the kids and for him to meet you there. That would be the best way.
Do they understand why you don't want him in the house any more?