Ex possibly ignoring me when I tell him to no longer have his weekend contact with the dc at my house

[curious2]

Ex has been coming to my house on Saturday mornings to see the kids for months now. He usually cooks them a meal and stays for about 4 hours, and I used to go out to facilitate this.

I have now started working 5 days a week so emailed ex about a week and a half ago to tell him to take the dc out instead of being in the house with them. He ignored that email and rocked up as usual last Saturday. Instead of going out I stayed at home but it was awkward as we are not on speaking terms at all.

So I have emailed him again, telling him that he can spend time in the house with the dc during the week when I am at work, but at weekends he has to take them out. His accommodation is not suitable for them to stay over, but that is also down to choices he has made since the divorce.

The divorce was very traumatic, and the reason it is happening in the first place is because ex was emotionally and verbally abusive.

My dc are all at secondary school.

If he comes over again this weekend, after he has received two emails about this, what do I do?

It sounds like your ex is feeling very hard done by, and that because your children aren’t that fussed on seeing him, you feel like you have to compensate for that.

You don’t. If they don’t want to see him, he needs to ask himself why, not expect you to spoon feed contact every week to the detriment of your own life.

He’s a grown ass man, let him sort his own shit out.

Your teens are manipulating you as much as he is. If they want to see him then they have to make an effort to be out of bed, dressed and ready. I get the feeling they really aren't bothered too much and having him come to your house is a lazy option for them and is playing into ex's hands. Tell the older ones that if they can't be ready then the younger will go off on her own with him.. it's their choice, but ex is no longer going to be spending hours at your house waiting for them to stumble downstairs when they feel like it.

Your ex is an arse and I wonder if he hasn't put them up to these tactics as it makes a wonderfully cheap and easy method of 'contact' for him.

Solicitors letter straight away, tracked and signed for. And then no option but to call the police and have him removed. You will also need to review the current option of him visiting them at other times during the week, he can't have free access one minute and be denied it the next. His visiting the children is definitely more a way of checking and spying on you than a true desire to see them, especially as they seem to spend so little time with him.

You have been incredibly generous with what you have so far allowed and now he is taking the piss. Time to stop it for once and for all and for you to take control of the situation.

Have the youngest ready to go and send her out with him. Tell him the others aren't ready but if he texts them where he's taking youngest they can join him once they're dressed if they want to.

Tbh if they can't be arsed to get dressed to spend time with their dad they're probably not that bothered about seeing him on Saturday. Which is fine and up to them, not you.

^
This

And don’t offer to let him come over in the week. He doesn’t take you up on the offer. And change the locks. Is he self employed? He could be using his keys to let himself in whilst you & the kids are at work / school

Agree with Olderbyaminute and Cantfindname - why are your older kids doing this to you? Surely they know it’s making you very uncomfortable to have your abusive ex in the house.

Is there any possibility that he might simply not have gotten the emails? I sometimes don't check mine for weeks and I'm quite young. I'd start by asking, 'Did you get my emails?'

The situation feels awful because it is awful.
He was abusive towards you and you divorced but you are still letting him into your home.
You are clearly feeling very guilty and you are very focused on how he feels:
“think ex feels that he has really lost out, and that therefore I kind of “owe” him.”
You may have divorced him but you are still deep in the FOG and you still have a lot of work to do in terms of freeing yourself from the abuse and manipulation he has subjected you to over the years.
Have you had any counselling? I suggest you get counselling (or get more) and do the Freedom Programme. You really need some professional support to free yourself mentally from this man.

From a practical point of view, you must:

• inform him in writing that you are no longer willing to allow him into your home, and that from now onwards all contact must be outside your home
• change the locks, make sure you have a chain on the door and preferably a spy hole so you don’t even have to open it if you can see it’s him
• tell the children that they are not to let him in
• stop pressuring your older children to see him, if they don’t want to they don’t have to. He abused you ffs and is not making any effort with them, he is hardly father of the year and they are probably relieved not to have him around any more (except that he is around sometimes!)
• insist on some kind of pre agreed arrangement for the youngest, if he doesn’t arrange anything or turn up then tough shit

You do need to sort your head out so you can follow through on all of the above without feeling horribly guilty.

Please do it as you and your children will never be able to move on and heal otherwise.

YOu have the right to feel safe in your own home.

You need to organise a drop off point and take your kids to meet him there. Then you go home and relax. Your kids are sounding a bit bratty, it sounds like they're old enough that you can explain to them what's going on and tell them this is what will happen from now on. No discussion.

Thanks for all your thoughts.

So far not so good - middle dd says she will not be leaving the house this weekend (but she does have an anxiety condition which means that it takes her very long to get ready to leave).

Youngest dd says that she doesn’t like bowling (my suggestion), that Saturday is the day that ex usually comes, and that he will come anyway.

Ds was the only one who was more reasonable the other day - when I said that he would have to go out to see his Dad at weekends.

To be fair, it’s only up until very recently that the arrangement was a “normal” one, and it started while we were living together during the divorce - awful 9 or 10 months. I used to go to counselling on a Saturday morning, and spend some of the day away to avoid the awful atmosphere between us. So when he moved out, it kind of continued. I was shocked by how much less he was able to see the dc, so it kind of worked.

Not any more though as I am working all days of the week now, I am out for 10.5 hours a day, exhausted, and need the weekend. I definitely can’t be here at the same time as him. And the whole arrangement is not right.

I will try to stop pressuring the dc to go out (failed a bit with that this morning), but if the outcome is that he sees them a lot less, that is really going to play into his victim narrative. He has already asked me (unpleasantly) if I want to swap (in an argument about Child Maintenance) - he will have “the house and the kids”, and I can have his various assets (which were all investments he made while we were married and which he did not involve me in at all - the shop he kept a secret for almost a year until I found out). His family probably think I am the bitch from hell (judging by the amount of lies ex told during the divorce, I can imagine how many lies he told them), and one of his sisters coldly ignored me completely when she rang to speak to my ds. Now he will be able to tell them that I am stopping him from seeing the kids .

I am still in the FOG it is true, and I do make it all about how “he” is feeling. Family members of mine tell me I have to be a lot more self-focussed. I guess I feel that I got the better / easier half of the deal in the divorce.

I have thought about going back to counselling - to try to deal with the trauma of the divorce, and also the trauma of some aspects of the marriage.

I have more to say but am almost at work so will post later.

You’ve done everything (and more!) that could be reasonably expected of you OP, it’s no longer your problem.

He doesn’t come to the house again, he needs to understand that. No room for argument, he just isn’t allowed.

Your kids are old enough to understand that Dad doesn't live there anymore, it isn't Dad's house anymore and he isn't welcome in Mum's house. That Dad isn't coming inside anymore, because it is your house, you don't want him there and need to relax too, which he gets to do 14/14 nights!

If they don't understand, have a family meeting (you and kids) over dinner or brunch and spell it out.

It might take a week or two of them barely seeing each other before the kids decide to leave and see him or he decides to get somewhere to live that they actually want to visit. But again: not your problem.

If he doesn't listen then you need to be firm and not let him over your threshold. If that doesn't work go down the solicitor and eventually police route.

It is not your responsibility to provide a location and arrangements to see his kids. Time he grew up and did that himself. Do not allow him to guilt trip you.

You are not being unreasonable to not allow him unfettered access to YOUR home. Just because he used to live there and his kids live there does not give him any legal or moral rights to be in there.

You have a right to draw boundaries and have your own personal space.
You don't bring your friends to have parties in your children's bedrooms. They have a right to their space.
Your home is where you relax.
It's harder for younger children to understand this but they will if you stick to things they can understand.

Most dads either live somewhere children can visit or they take children to a restaurant or activity.
You aren't asking for anything unreasonable.

Have you told the children not to answer the door and let Dad in?

Did you get the better deal, though? Who was the primary career when DC were small and who is doing most (all?) of the primary care now? Do the DC want him to be the resident carer? You said there was abuse in the marriage and you are traumatised. Is that really a good deal?

Turning up in your home, manipulating you to feel guilty about your ‘better deal’ is continuing to control you.

If you swapped and you sold all his assets, would you be able to buy a house for yourself which the DC could visit or live in? Because you probably would be able to make that work, if you wanted to. And I am not saying you should, just that there is no reason to carry the can for his ineptitude.

And hard as it is, I think you need to stand firm on the plans for contact out the house. Dad needs to come up with the plans. If DC would rather stay in bed, then that is their choice if they are old enough that a court would let them make up their own mind.

With all the kindness in the world, tell the kids if they want to see dad then they need to be up and ready by xxx, he is no longer allowed in the house because it makes you feel uncomfortable., if they don't want to/can't be bothered then they have to tell dad.

It's really not uncommon for them to be making the arrangements direct at this age, but clearly they all need to talk together with youngest.

Come on Op, pick up your self esteem from the ground and put it on.

You don't give your dc choices, it is up to him to talk to dc and arrange meeting up.

Be firm

Tell dc this is the new rule, this is why it is now in place.

He is not allowed into your personal space any more,

Full stop.

Solicitors letter, take a photo of it and send it to him via email as well as post. Get solicitor to tell him that he is not welcome to your house anymore and the police will be called should he turn up.

If he turns up and tries to enter your property, phone the police.

Do not keep rescuing him,

Dc and he will decide between them what their relationship will be like.

Your dc need a dm with good mh and a role model for living by boundaries etc. Your ex is an adult, he can plan a day with his dc surely?

It is ex's choice to live in a place where it is not possible for his children to visit. That says a lot about how much he values his children and his relationship with them. Many children of divorced parents have homes with both of them. He clearly does not want that.

As pp say, he is a grown man, do not keep rescuing him.

Good advice from PPs.

But you don't need solicitors letter. Just email him "Dear ExH, , You no longer have permission to come into my house. You need to make alternative arrangements to take children out for child contact. Yours OP"
Print copies.
If he has keys, fgs change the locks!

It's not your DC's choice, it's yours.

I’ve been in this position. Do not allow him in your house at all. Make him wait outside and send the DCs out to him. Close the door on him.

Don’t let him in during the week either. Be firm- he’ll push and push but stay firm. Tell the DCs he’s not to come in.

My exh still pushes boundaries and comes in when I’m not there. But he stays outside when I am. It’s his problem what he does with them.

It’s your home, your safe place. You need you put these boundaries in place (with your ex and your children if necessary) and you’ll feel much better. He has no right in your home.

Good luck tomorrow!

Did you ever do controlled crying with your dc when they were little? You kind of need to do it now with ex and your dc. They are all having it easy and you are paying the price.

Draw a line in the sand and let them cry, ignore, occasionally reassure, let them cry, re iterate your rules, let them cry and then hopefully you will all make it across the divide to a new normal which will actually balance your needs equally with everyone elses.

It might be painful while you are all going through the process, CC isnt easy on anyone, but it will be worth it. And you have to hold the line, no matter how many toys get thrown out of the cot, strops, tantrums and I hate yous, you have it easy, you have ruined my life are thrown at you. Try and set up a chart with tick boxes agaist phrases you think he will use against you and see how he does. Making it a game might help you keep your head above the fog.

Also, you are not responsible for your ex’s relationship with the dc, he is.

If he choses to operate in a way that means they dont want to see him, he needs to learn the hard way that it means he wont see them. Maybe then he will change.

It is not your job to try and make him a good Dad.

Hi all

Thanks for all your messages.

In addition to explaining things to my dc, I have also just sent my ex a neutral sounding text saying that as per my two emails (I quoted the dates they were sent), he has to take the kids out at the weekends, and not spend his time with them in the house. I also said that I had told the kids to think of places they could go, and that they need to make the effort to go out.

Just sending that makes me scared, but he is blocked on my phone because of past unpleasant messages from him which then ruin my next few hours, so he can’t actually reply. His emails also go straight to spam, so same thing there.

Tomorrow he could turn up and be unpleasant / manipulative however, so now I am worried about that.

Well done OP! Do you have a friend or family member who could stay tonight/come round early for back up?

OP, he can stay in his shop because you make it easy for him. Stop all contact visits taking place at your house and force him into finding somewhere suitable to live. Somewhere he can have the children to visit.