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Original poster

Ex possibly ignoring me when I tell him to no longer have his weekend contact with the dc at my house

107 replies

curious2 · 04/10/2018 08:55

Ex has been coming to my house on Saturday mornings to see the kids for months now. He usually cooks them a meal and stays for about 4 hours, and I used to go out to facilitate this.

I have now started working 5 days a week so emailed ex about a week and a half ago to tell him to take the dc out instead of being in the house with them. He ignored that email and rocked up as usual last Saturday. Instead of going out I stayed at home but it was awkward as we are not on speaking terms at all.

So I have emailed him again, telling him that he can spend time in the house with the dc during the week when I am at work, but at weekends he has to take them out. His accommodation is not suitable for them to stay over, but that is also down to choices he has made since the divorce.

The divorce was very traumatic, and the reason it is happening in the first place is because ex was emotionally and verbally abusive.

My dc are all at secondary school.

If he comes over again this weekend, after he has received two emails about this, what do I do?

OP posts:
RomanyRoots · 05/10/2018 19:19

Send them on the bus to his place, it's up to him what he does
Why is he at your house during the week and why did you allow this in the first place Confused I'm sure he is too?

KataraJean · 05/10/2018 19:19

I agree, if you can have someone be with you, so much the better.
If not, then remember that you have a rod of steel in your back to have got through all this, and you are going to be firm.

To DC, dad is coming at x time to take you out, you need to be ready to leave the house or you will miss contact.

To xH, I have asked you not to come into the house, please wait at the gate until DC come down. Then tell him which children are ready to go out, and that children not ready will not be coming.

Rinse and repeat.

What you need to avoid is making it fun for DC who do not go. I am sure there are chores they need to do. DC who do not wish to go can tidy their rooms, for example. You do not wish to be disturbed as it is your time for peace and quiet. You will be available at the end of contact time.

If you breathe deeply into your stomach and focus on things around you that you can see (flowers, cushions, the walls), that will help ground you.

Flowers you can do this, even if it takes a few tries!

Teabay · 05/10/2018 19:20

You are divorced.

You paid him for his half of the house - you bought it from him, now it's yours. He took the money.

He has weekend contact with the DC. He arranges it, he tells them where it is, they go. If they don't, that is NOT your problem. They are late teens.

It is your house, it is his Saturday with the DC. These things are SEPARATE - he cannot come to your house anymore.

Sorry10 · 05/10/2018 19:23

I suggest you speak to him instead of emailing. Just firmly say you will need to make other arrangements in future maybe alternative weeks ?

ProudThrilledHappy · 05/10/2018 19:32

You do need to do the painful “plaster pull” to deal with this I’m afraid, but once you make the boundaries clear you need to stick to them. As pp say, change locks. Keep him on the doorstep, close the door when you go to fetch dcs.

As pp said it may help for first couple of weeks if you could get a friend or neighbours round sitting on the sofa ready for a chat to make it clear you are reclaiming the space for your own personal time

3stonedown · 05/10/2018 19:51

I'm glad you've sent that text. It appears the only person worried about his relationship with the DCs is you! So stop worrying it. Be clear he isn't welcome in our house anymore to him and the kids.

OldShuck · 05/10/2018 20:42

Suggest he takes the DC's out for the evening rather than morning.

GreenTulips · 05/10/2018 20:48

Well done
Know any hot young males to help in the morning failing that your mum?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/10/2018 10:47

You’re doing the right thing OP. If not now then when? You have every right to a peaceful home with only guests you choose to invite in. He’s chosen where to live, that’s on him.

Your DC have been following his lead by trying to push you around and it’s good and healthy for you and then to change the dynamic.

Chin up.

Whereismumhiding2 · 06/10/2018 11:09

What happened today OP?
Hope it goes smoothly but stand your ground.

PorkFlute · 06/10/2018 11:32

I would send him a message saying that him seeing the children in your home needs to stop as you need time to relax when at home without him there. Tell him where you will be dropping the children to meet him and what time and do it. If the older teen doesn’t want to go then tell him that. Presumably they are old enough for it to be their choice. It is up to his dad to improve their relationship/find things that interest them if they can’t be bothered getting dressed for the only 4 hrs they will see him that week.

PorkFlute · 06/10/2018 11:39

Just read the bit about him being at your house in the week as well. It doesn’t sound as if he’s fully moved out. Change the locks if he has a key and tell him that he needs to arrange somewhere to meet the children or have them at his house. If he turns up ignore the door.

Nannymcfee13 · 06/10/2018 13:04

XH is continuing to emotionally manipulate you. One of the reasons you split?
Stop feeling guilty for his character flaws. It's your home end of. XH/DBD can see DC on neutral ground. I would also install an external CCTV camera above the front door. You don't need to justify yourself. Protecting home, family and your emotional health is what a good Mother is. XH needs to understand you have moved on as well.😌

iwunderwhy · 06/10/2018 16:46

It took work pressure to force you to do this. Why? All abuse involves power/boundary issues, you still aren't protecting yours, and teaching your kids same. Wake up friend. Do you even know if he's put spy cameras in your house now???! YUK!!

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 08/10/2018 13:37

How did the weekend go @curious2 ?

Original poster
curious2 · 09/10/2018 08:41

It went all right snowwhites, ex did not come over, but sadly nor did the dc do anything with him. Maybe it will take time for the new arrangement to sink in, and for them to realise that they will have to make some effort. Ex has also not been coming over during the week, and ds tells me that he has to work at that time (as if I then should accommodate him differently).

I am sure that ex is thinking/saying all manner of horrible things about me, and is taking it like a victim, but as long as I am not party to his thoughts I guess that’s okay.

He did pop over on Sunday evening, phoned ds from his car, who was then supposed to meet him outside. Ds was too lazy to put his shoes on however 🙄, and ex came to the entrance hall and dropped off some food he had bought. He spoke only to ds and then left. That made me feel sad. The whole thing makes me sad.

Ds seems to think I am being unfair as ex does not have a proper house at the moment, but I guess this is partly because he doesn’t want his own lazy routine to be disrupted.

The other feeling that seems to be there is that I should be “sharing” my space with ex in terms of his seeing the dc, because of the settlement. Surely it doesn’t work like that though - that sharing might go on forever, while ex still ignores me completely, and is no doubt still with the person he got together with immediately and obviously, and while we shared the same house for 9/10 months.

The feeling of guilt persists however. If ex and I were on better terms I could come to some agreement with him, but we aren’t. The whole thing is very raw.

OP posts:
Original poster
curious2 · 09/10/2018 08:42

(Ds doesn’t want his lazy routine to be disrupted I mean).

OP posts:
SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 09/10/2018 11:05

Please don't feel guilty. Ex is an adult and it's his responsibility to ensure he has a suitable space to facilitate seeing his children.

Would it be ok for you to rock up to his place and treat it as your own? The kids need to understand this.

downtherabbitholewego · 09/10/2018 11:38

You have nothing to feel guilty about. He's an adult and a parent just like you. If he wants to see his children he will make it possible. If it were you in his situation would you find somewhere suitable to live, try to encourage your children to spend time with you, maybe find some suitable activities to help with this or would you just sit back sulk and do nothing. He should be expected to make the same effort.

KataraJean · 09/10/2018 11:52

Why would you share your house with your ex? The settlement is that the house is yours, surely. Where ex lives is up to him.

Try not to take the guilt on board and stay firm. You are simply putting in place healthy boundaries to let things move on.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 09/10/2018 12:03

Well done for sticking to your guns.

I know teenagers can be extraordinarily selfish but I do think perhaps you need to have a chat with your children and remind them that, unfortunately, your family circumstances now mean that they also have to make an effort and it's not fair on their dad just to ignore him and not be arsed to see him.

Perhaps he needs to start taking them out for food and you need to chivvy them out - not least so you can have your "me-time".

CottonTailRabbit · 09/10/2018 12:08

Toughen up. You are letting everyone walk over you.

Your DC have to be told firmly that the legal settlement is done, DH does not live here, he should be treated like a visitor, his choice of stupid living arrangements is not your concern. Be a hard ass. They might think you are awful temporarily but as time goes by they'll see the truth.

Stop him coming into your house completely for a while.

Stop taking responsibility for his relationship with the children. Tell him and them that they have to sort it out by themselves, without involving your house. If they aren't bothered about seeing him they have to tell him themselves. Make it clear that them being in the same house as him, i.e. your house does not count as quality time together and this kind of fake contact time will stop now.

If he plays the victim so the fuck what? Selfish divorced men everywhere whinge about their awful ex's who took everything and block everything. Fuck it. You can't control his narrative. You can't control who hears it. You can't control who believes it.

CottonTailRabbit · 09/10/2018 12:10

Redecorate instead of moving. Preferably in a way you love and he would hate. Start with the hallway. Make it look and feel different. For yourself, for the DC, for him.

Change the locks. Put in security locks so he can't just take a key from the DC and get a copy cut.

woolduvet · 09/10/2018 12:18

Is he sharing his space with you? No, cos it's a rubbish idea.
He needs to set up a what's app group with the kids and get some in advance plans set up. No teenager is going to roll out of bed without some reason.
Move or redecorate, especially if you can choose colours he'd hate. Put new furniture in the hall, you need to make it obvious it's not his space.
Well done, but keep chipping at the kids that they all have to put effort in to their new arrangements, it will not be facilitated by you, or in your house.

Pinkprincess1978 · 09/10/2018 16:04

Don't feel guilty, this is your home and you deserve to enjoy it and not have unpleasant people come and go. Of all the many divorced people I have known I'm my life I have only met one woman who seemed to keep a really good relationship with her ex to the extent he would let himself into her home and cook them breakfast and would come over on Christmas Day before they all woke up etc. That is very rare though. Most divorced couples just tolerate each other when they have to be in the same room as each other. That is just the way it is.

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