Ex possibly ignoring me when I tell him to no longer have his weekend contact with the dc at my house

[curious2]

Ex has been coming to my house on Saturday mornings to see the kids for months now. He usually cooks them a meal and stays for about 4 hours, and I used to go out to facilitate this.

I have now started working 5 days a week so emailed ex about a week and a half ago to tell him to take the dc out instead of being in the house with them. He ignored that email and rocked up as usual last Saturday. Instead of going out I stayed at home but it was awkward as we are not on speaking terms at all.

So I have emailed him again, telling him that he can spend time in the house with the dc during the week when I am at work, but at weekends he has to take them out. His accommodation is not suitable for them to stay over, but that is also down to choices he has made since the divorce.

The divorce was very traumatic, and the reason it is happening in the first place is because ex was emotionally and verbally abusive.

My dc are all at secondary school.

If he comes over again this weekend, after he has received two emails about this, what do I do?

I think you're done the right thing by claiming your house back but...

Stop taking responsibility for his relationship with the children.

^ This. If they don't want to see him, that's between them and him, you don't need to get involved.

Nobody can really be arsed can they?

They need to sort themselves out.

Once they realise it’s not being done for them, they will make an effort.

My XH sees my DCs one at a time, sometimes to stay over, he never has them all together. When they are at his they sit in the bedroom on gadgets when he watches TV in the living room. I can’t say anything.

He bought a flat that was too small to accommodate his children, with the idea that he would spend time with them in the family home and I would go elsewhere.

Never going to happen.

I drew the boundaries and stuck to them. It was very difficult, I’m not going to lie. The children manage their own relationship with him and he now makes more of an effort independently. I never say no to them seeing them, but I don’t facilitate it either. The youngest spends the least time with him, and is the one he really needs to make the biggest effort with. I compensate for his crapness.

Thanks for all your messages - yes I will try to step back and let them sort it out.

I don't think this is the end of it however, as ex must somehow be seething... I can't say that any of us are particularly happy at the moment - the dc are moody and regularly tell me (or at least two out of three do) how much they dislike me... It's a hard slog, and I don't even feel I have the right to be specially happy, as I am here while ex is off feeling excluded. Or shagging as far as I know. Or feeling excluded and shagging .

It's the many years that this was our family home that make it hard. I guess moving would solve that problem, but apart from other issues, I don't have the funds to do that at the moment.

I really feel that this traumatic divorce has been damaging, but then so was staying in my very difficult marriage.

Oops - name change!

Here it is again:

Thanks for all your messages - yes I will try to step back and let them sort it out.

I don't think this is the end of it however, as ex must somehow be seething... I can't say that any of us are particularly happy at the moment - the dc are moody and regularly tell me (or at least two out of three do) how much they dislike me... It's a hard slog, and I don't even feel I have the right to be specially happy, as I am here while ex is off feeling excluded. Or shagging as far as I know. Or feeling excluded and shagging .

It's the many years that this was our family home that make it hard. I guess moving would solve that problem, but apart from other issues, I don't have the funds to do that at the moment.

I really feel that this traumatic divorce has been damaging, but then so was staying in my very difficult marriage.

Could you start doing something at weekends you've always wanted to try? Ideally at home? Whether it's learning an instrument (bonus points for bagpipes which would encourage the teens to escape), yoga, language etc. You could find a student/tutor who could visit you and it might help refocus you from the guilt.

Oh and dont worry too much about the DC being dicks. I was at that age and my parents stayed together and I had a stable happy upbringing. Nature makes teens horrible and selfish and then they move out and in 10 years they'll be aware of how much you did.
You shouldn't have stayed in a miserable abusive marriage and well done for leaving. Just carve out some time to do things you enjoy, meet new people, volunteer if you can. There are many different ways you can live your life now, so take your time and try out different ideas for you.

The traumatic divorce is very recent, though, is it not? So it is still very raw.

Do you know, I would be tempted to do two things.

The first is arrange some kind of counselling for your DC. Someone to get them out the house and talk about their feelings and feed back any solutions or changes they wish, which do not involve xH being in the house. You can get family therapists, who will work with DC in family break up situations. Ideally, you need someone versed in abuse and control.

The second thing I would do, in a loving but firm way, is read them the riot act. Tell them you love them, but you will not be treated like this. They may hate the situation, they may hate the boundaries you are enforcing around your own space, but you need to do that for your own well-being which allows you to look after them (which you are doing). You are not responsible for decisions their father has made; and you are also not responsible for getting them out the house to see him at their age. They are continuing an abusive pattern by telling you they dislike you, and it needs to stop.

Actually, there are a couple more things.

Counselling for you, which you may be accessing already?

A decorating plan. If you cannot afford to move, step by step and slowly start to redecorate and replace things. I have about two bits of furniture and one set of walls which look the same as during my marriage. Not been able to afford the kitchen and bathroom yet, but they will be replaced too. If you have not changed your bed and bedding, start there.