Ex possibly ignoring me when I tell him to no longer have his weekend contact with the dc at my house

[curious2]

Ex has been coming to my house on Saturday mornings to see the kids for months now. He usually cooks them a meal and stays for about 4 hours, and I used to go out to facilitate this.

I have now started working 5 days a week so emailed ex about a week and a half ago to tell him to take the dc out instead of being in the house with them. He ignored that email and rocked up as usual last Saturday. Instead of going out I stayed at home but it was awkward as we are not on speaking terms at all.

So I have emailed him again, telling him that he can spend time in the house with the dc during the week when I am at work, but at weekends he has to take them out. His accommodation is not suitable for them to stay over, but that is also down to choices he has made since the divorce.

The divorce was very traumatic, and the reason it is happening in the first place is because ex was emotionally and verbally abusive.

My dc are all at secondary school.

If he comes over again this weekend, after he has received two emails about this, what do I do?

One almost a teenager, the others both teenagers.

When I say asleep, I mean lounging in their pjs in bed.

They wouldn’t get ready without knowing where they might be going, and ex is the only one who can arrange that with them. They would never all agree on a place either, or rarely, and ex probably wouldn’t want to pay to eat out every weekend, which is one thing they might do. It feels intractable.

He seems to be under the mistaken impression that he has any right to dictate anything

Yes this ^.

Given that my stopping him from having Saturday contact here might mean that he sees quite a lot less of the dc, and they him, should I suck it up for their sake?

Given that my stopping him from having Saturday contact here might mean that he sees quite a lot less of the dc, and they him, should I suck it up for their sake?

The short answer is no.

You’re not blocking contact, you’re expecting him, as their father, to make the effort and them to respond if they want to.

In 10 years, do you still want him hovering around on a Saturday morning? Because unless you put a stop to this now, that’ll be the reality.

He needs to parent, you can’t and shouldn’t be doing it for him.

And you are bloody well entitled to a lazy Saturday morning in your own damn home without having to consider him.

In your situation op i’d be tempted to try and move. Not far, the house next door would do! But to a house that was so unequivocally ‘yours’ that he wouldn’t feel any (misplaced) sense of entitlement.

If I was in your ex's position and someone said to me I could see my child any evening I want I would be there every single evening for as long as I could.

Him choosing not to see the children when they are available 6 days out of 7 is not you withholding access.

Tell your children that you will no longer be having their father visiting the house and that they need to make arrangements to meet him. If they don't want to do that all together he could meet them at various points of the week given their age.
Keep askimg the older ones where they are meeting him to drive it home to them that he is no longer welcome in the house.

*Keep askimg the older ones where they are meeting him to drive it home to them that he is no longer welcome in the house.+

Yes that’s a good idea.

In your situation op i’d be tempted to try and move.

Yes last Saturday I was looking up stuff on Rightmove I felt so crap.

It would be too expensive to move however, and the dc are currently quite near their school.

I think ex feels that he has really lost out, and that therefore I kind of “owe” him.

Sorry, bold fail.

Keep askimg the older ones where they are meeting him to drive it home to them that he is no longer welcome in the house.

And you are bloody well entitled to a lazy Saturday morning in your own damn home without having to consider him.

It’s exactly this @yetalkshitehelen.

I had this for several months.

I sent solicitor’s letters and when these were ignored, my solicitor did advise me to say I would call the police if he turned up.

She said I did then have to follow through in that case and actually call them.

I called 101 and asked for advice. They said they would attend if he called when he had been asked already via my solicitor not to. I told him that I would call the police if he turned up. He did not turn up again. I have never, ever let him near the house since then. Contact hand over is in a neutral place. It is your house.

He of course thought I was being negative and extreme, but looking back, it was a means of control, my solicitor’s letters were more and more strongly worded and being ignored and that was very expensive!

Stop him coming to the house and get the children out the door for contact. They can discuss where they are going in a cafe.

Take back the power. Take the children to where he lives, making sure they’re set up (coats / bags / whatever they need for an afternoon out) to head straight out with him. Leave them with him and he can bring them back to you after his 4 / 5 hours.

Have the youngest ready to go and send her out with him. Tell him the others aren't ready but if he texts them where he's taking youngest they can join him once they're dressed if they want to.

Tbh if they can't be arsed to get dressed to spend time with their dad they're probably not that bothered about seeing him on Saturday. Which is fine and up to them, not you.

Sorry, OP, but you’re being a mug offering time during the week. He clearly thinks it’s still HIS house. You need to clarify with the kids that dad is no longer allowed in the house and stick to this.

If he turns up this weekend, get to the door first (benefit of lazy teenagers) and very firmly reiterate that he is not allowed in anymore. Send a solicitor’s letter setting this out very clearly. Mention no entitlement to be in the house and consequences if he does come in. Don’t let him past you. If he tries to push through you, tell him you will call the police and then do so.

I second solicitors letters.
Also telling the kids that if they want to see him to be up at ...(Whatever time he comes).
Just in case your youngest let's him in be prepared.Do a big wash the night before,pile it on the sofa with the ironing board in front(so nowhere to sit).Do the hoovering(you're busy all week)and keep him out if the kitchen,if necessary lay out stuff on the work surfaces to prep a batch cook.
Really occupy your house,make no room for him and Chivy any willing child to get ready to go out with him.
And if you haven't done yet change the locks and do not let him insuring the week.He needs to tell you in advance when he's seeing the children.at the moment he has it easy as he isn't really seeing his kids he's being there if they come down stairs and stopping you from enjoying your home.

Do not let him in your home any day of the week.
If he wants to see his DCs then he can contact them direct to meet outside of the home.
You need to fit bolts on front and back doors top and bottom if he still has a key! Or add an extra lock.
You have to take back control OP because this is just another form of abuse.
And stop being so reasonable and guilt ridden that you have the house.
He's not bloody homeless.

He could quite easily have a set up on his commercial premises to be comfortable i.e.. cheap caravan inside building but really that's his problem not yours. Instead he chooses to harass you every weekend!!

Keep him out and as pps have already said call the Police if he attempts to barge his way into your homelife again on saturday morning.

If they are all so old, I think they should stay every second Saturday night at his house, even if you don't like it. They're not babies.

Then they can lounge at home with him, you get 1 night a fortnight "off" for adult time and then also get every second weekend with the kids so they can just lounge about if needed.

If they don't like his, they can tell him and maybe he'll sort out a proper place to live!
Not your problem, so don't let it be. HIS time so HIS house or HIS organising an activity. If they are all teenager or close to, then presumably all have phones and can arrange to see him when suits.

I'd not have him IN your house at all tbh. What if you move? Will he also be IN that new home 5 days a week?

I would arrange to hand over youngest at a cafe. Tell the older two what the plan is - if they want to see their dad they will be ready to go with you. If not he can arrange something with them directly.

I think they should stay every second Saturday night at his house, even if you don't like it. They're not babies.

It’s not me who doesn’t like it - none of them want to do this. I am always telling them to do stuff with him or go and see him where he is living. But since it is a shop and he is not supposed to be living there, I don’t think he probably even wants them for the night in case they make it more obvious that he is there overnight - to the other residents of the building.

Get them to set up a group messaging app and they need to arrange visits with him.

You are the only one making any sacrifice and he's being a lazy father

Stop letting him in - be ready near the door and say you'll send X out to the car and he'll have to message the other two when they are ready

Close the door

Ring the police if he won't leave

You have the right to enjoy your home in peace

I’m more struck by the teens lounging in bed not ready and the tween not wanting to go out,the children just letting ex in the house despite you not wanting that-it doesn’t matter about the ex husband coming by on Saturdays so you can relax-you’re held hostage by all of them! I’m not saying the children don’t have a right to relax on weekends but life has changed and their parents are no longer together so they have to cooperate for your sake! You take care of them a lot they need to cooperate and before I get skewered here I do have the world’s stubbornness teenage son

@curious2 mm I second (& 3rd &4th) PPs.. Stop giving him permission to come into your house to hang out! At any time! Not midweek, not weekends!

Spell it out "I no longer agree to you coming into.my home, please make alternative arrangements"

Change locks if he has keys.

He could have/should have arranged a home for them to go to. NYP as he doesn't sound resdinblw.

If your teenagers don't want to get up and go out with their dad, they'll soon learn they miss seeing their dad, or they are telling you they ain't that bothered.

Get little one ready to go with him, open door, send little one out and any ready teenager and shut & lock door. Stand in the way.

If he barges past you, repeat that he needs to leave as you don't give her permission to be in your home, and he needs to leave NOW!

If he doesn't,
absolutely ring police to remove him. He'll probably go once you are on phone to police. But if not, they'll remove him and give him a warning.

I really don't get why you haven't done this before if it's been fraught & oppressive for a while.

Being entirely honest, you’re being a fool.

As soon as that house was legally yours you should have changed the locks and never let him through the door. He was emotionally abusive and you still let him have full access to your home.

Seriously. Think it through.

How can you call the police if he’s allowed access one day and not the next? Just stop all access to YOUR home.

You owe him nothing. If the kids don’t want to go out with him, that’s between them and their father. Stop trying to fix things. Stop the guilt. Just say that it no longer works for you, you’ve changed the locks and he may no longer enter the home. Do it in writing. Tell the kids they are not to let him in and have serious sanctions if they don’t heed this.

You don’t need a solicitors letter, just don’t let him in. If he forces entry, call the police.

Get your sanctuary back.

Invite some friends over for coffee (and to fill up available seating). Once should be enough.

He can take the DCs out if they want to see him. Or go home and try to think up his own solution if they don’t. You wouldn’t be stopping the DCs from enjoying their home by doing that if they would normally choose to lounge in their beds anyway.

OP my goodness. You do know that you do not have to allow ANYONE in your home no matter who they are don't you!

Call the police and let them remove him. I would say yes to sending him a solicitor's letter asap so that he can't claim he didn't know he wasn't welcome.

Please do not tolerate this a second longer. I know what this is like, and I do sympathise! my abusive parents tried to walk into my house uninvited after I went NC with them. Put a stop to it and in a year's time I guarantee you'll look back and be amazed you ever entertained this insanity!

also homebird's idea rocks.

Believe you have the right to enjoy your own house and the rest should follow.

You've got a fair financial split (or possibly even skewed in his favour) yet your guilt is still making you feel that he has some right to his former home. Do you feel entitled to use whatever he got out of the divorce, i.e. the commercial property, pensions, cash etc.? Would you stroll into his shop every week and start taking stuff off the shelves and put your feet up to read the paper?

Secondly, if getting up and dressed early is the problem, why does this have to be Saturday mornings? Would late afternoon work better? A fixed arrangement for the youngest out of the house and the others join in if they want to.

Tbh it hardly sounds like quality time if your ex is watching tv and most of the dc only pass through the living room to say hi. If contact frequency or duration dropped but the dc actually spent time with him rather than simply in the same building as him, would that be so bad?