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AIBU?

To ask will my children ever know how loved they are?

136 replies

thewinehasgonetomyhead · 03/10/2018 19:53

Bit of a soppy one I’m afraid. Dd1 is three, dd2 is 5 months. I’m lucky enough to be a SAHM and I love it so much. I wonder if my girls will ever remember these days we share together and if they’ll really know how loved they truly are?

How do you ensure your ankle biters feel the love?

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Strokethefurrywall · 03/10/2018 20:00

I tell my kids constantly that I love them, I kiss them and hold them a lot and I talk to them about things all the time. I make them laugh a lot, ask them questions about their day.

I try to keep the ratio around 70/30... 70% we're laughing, doing lego, watching a movie, eating together, generally engaging etc.
30% I'm shouting at them and telling them to get their arse into bed/brush their teeth/put their shoes one etc etc. You get the picture.

I remember feeling the same way when my babies were small (they're 7 & 4 years now). (Disclaimer: but not when they were 3 and 5 months because ay that point I wanted to send my 3 year old back as he was the devil Grin)

But as far as I can tell, the only way I know how much my parents loved me is when I had my own babies I felt the same way about my kids. Then I realised that this must have been how much my parents loved me. And I hope one day that my boys feel the same.

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BuntyII · 03/10/2018 20:02

I'm a SAHM and I get a bit weepy about this too. The baby and toddler years are so precious and special. They may not consciously remember these days, but the love and security they receive will stay with them and help to shape the rest of their lives.

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Strokethefurrywall · 03/10/2018 20:03

Oh and I sing to them every night.

Our song is Baby Mine from Dumbo - I've sung that song pretty much every night since before DS1 was born and he turned 7 two weeks ago. So that's, how many nights....2568 minus a bunch of days that I've been away with work... let's call it +2450 nights that I've sung the..... same.. song.

That's how much I love them Smile

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ThanosSavedMe · 03/10/2018 20:04

When they have their own children they’ll get it!

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thewinehasgonetomyhead · 03/10/2018 20:06

I’m glad it’s not just me who feels this way too.

Buntyll this is what I’m hoping, that the security and love they feel now will set them up for life.

I give all my time to them, which I love, I just hope they will someday look back and know how much they are loved.

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Ellisandra · 03/10/2018 20:07

I have a 10yo. Based on her memories and those of all her friends... sorry, no - they won’t remember a thing!

But that’s OK - that doesn’t mean they’re not enjoying it now, so live in the moment and just enjoy it too.

I’m sure that although they don’t retain specific memories from very young, they do build up a bedrock of feeling loved and secure from your interactions. I don’t think being a SAHP makes any difference to that. My cousin has 5 kids and had different maternity leaves with each, different numbers of hours and types of shift each time... they all clearly (mid and late teens and young adults now) feel very loved.

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stellabird · 03/10/2018 20:09

Mine are adults now - they may not remember specific things we did when they were little but that's not important. They do know that they are loved, and very much so. That's all that matters.

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TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/10/2018 20:09

I realised how much my mum loved me once I had my own baby to love. I think she loves my baby that much too, I’ll confirm in 25(?) years when I’m a granny.

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LiDLrichardsPistachioSack · 03/10/2018 20:11

What a lovely thread!

I do similar to strokethefurrywall.
Just really listening to them and engaging with them. Helping them to know their thoughts and feelings and ideas really matter, no matter how silly. I tell them “I’m so lucky to be your mummy!”
Of course there are times when they irritate the living shit out of me and I snap or shout a bit but I think it’s a much smaller ratio (hopefully)

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EggysMom · 03/10/2018 20:12

My son has severe learning disabilities. I often wonder whether he understands just how loved he is. I try to show him, as he doesn't hear/understand me telling him. I just hope he feels really happy in a safe, loving home environment.

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LaPufalina · 03/10/2018 20:18

Aw this has made me a bit teary!
Agree that it makes you realise how much your parents (hopefully) loved you, too. And how it now feels like your heart is outside your body and you feel so vulnerable now because the worst thing that could happen is them being hurt.

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WeLoveFlowers · 03/10/2018 20:19

I love mine too, more than anything in the world, but I’m not a SAHM. I wonder what the SAHM bit has to do with it?

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maddiemookins16mum · 03/10/2018 20:21

I’m fast approaching 55 yet still remember all sorts of things my mum did which confirmed how much she loved me when I was growing up.
I never realised it fully at the time of course.
She died 5 years ago and I also remember one of the last times she squeezed my hand and looked at me and stroked my face with such love and pride on her face, I was a very, very lucky daughter.

😢 sniff.

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whiteonesugar · 03/10/2018 20:21

@WeLoveFlowers - I was wondering the same!

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NordicNobody · 03/10/2018 20:24

It never really occurred to me how loved I was until I had my son. Then I loved him in such an insane overwhelming way and it suddenly occurred to me "bloody hell, that's how my mum must feel about me". Which was a nice thing to realise. I've never felt especially loved by my dad and again having my son reinforced that as I would never in a million years treat him the way my dad treated me, and I don't think it'd be possible to treat someone like that of you loved them as much as I love my son (if that makes sense). But I don't doubt, given how I feel about my son, that my mum feels the same about me. And I hope that if my children have children they'll have the same realisation. Sorry if that was word salad...

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lovetherisingsun · 03/10/2018 20:24

Oh, @EggysMom, he'll know Flowers For him - No fear, no anxiety, contentment every day, he'll know how much he is loved down to his soul.

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ThanksHunkyJesus · 03/10/2018 20:25

It doesn't only matter if your children remember all those nights you read them a bed time story or watched them sleeping, or made them laugh. You'll remember.

I like the idea of the ratio. Even on my worst days I'm still 80% affection and fun and 10% shouty.

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Rufffles · 03/10/2018 20:25

I lost my own mum suddenly when I was 11, and at 38 I had my first baby earlier this year.

My mum has never been far from my thoughts but since I've become a mum myself I've had a whole new appreciation for her and felt so incredibly grateful for everything she did for me in those short years we shared together. I recognise certain aspects of her parenting style in my own, and I love it.

Writing that should make me feel a bit sad but it doesn't. Of course I wish she were still around, and that she could meet her adorable grandson, but I'm enjoying the new connection (of sorts) that I now share with her.

I hope that goes some way to reassuring you, OP, that the time you spend with your little ones while they're little is invaluable and irreplaceable. In my case I really think it's helped to set me up brilliantly as a parent and in life generally. Smile

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LoveB · 03/10/2018 20:26

Weloveflowers because of this: I wonder if my girls will ever remember these days we share together

because they share ALL day EVERY day together. And that's the point she's making. No need to get uppety about it

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LoveB · 03/10/2018 20:27

OP I feel the same. I'm going to steal a PP suggestion and tell her how lucky I am to be her mummy Smile

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katienana · 03/10/2018 20:29

My ds1 turned 6 today so this has made me feel extra emotional. I can only echo what everyone else said, I remember the day he was born saying to my mum, "oh my god, I'm so sorry, I never realised till now how much you love me!"
I think physical affection is so important while respecting when they don't want it as well. That closeness can't be faked or created later in life.

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Namechangeforthiscancershit · 03/10/2018 20:29

My mum definitely wasn’t a SAHM (quite the opposite, lone parent working all the hours) but yes I remember so many things that made me feel loved. Sitting on my bed every night (well into teenage years) talking about my day and her day and kissing me goodnight, leaving me a note and a mint from the restaurant (this was the eighties) if she went out for the evening, making incredible fairy dresses for us for Christmas when we had no money, cuddling on the sofa, tidying the house together, listening to stories about school that went on for HOURS and were probably incredibly dull, library trips on a Saturday morning, millions of things that were really normal but made me feel like me and my sister were the most important things ever to her.

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Raven88 · 03/10/2018 20:30

The main thing I remember from my childhood is having a loving home. They will feel it because that's the home you are creating.

My mum asked me recently if she was a good mum and if I remember the days out because she wanted us to always feel loved and safe.

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Namechangeforthiscancershit · 03/10/2018 20:30

Ruffles Flowers

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LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/10/2018 20:31

I work FT(by choice) and my kids are loved. They know this.tell them daily
I don’t give all my time I wouldn’t want to.i need me time too.
Loved children have a secure attachment and knowledge that love is consistent and unconditional
It’s the quality,consistency and regard of love not the quantity. It’s not a time on the clock phenomenon

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