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Original poster

To ask will my children ever know how loved they are?

136 replies

thewinehasgonetomyhead · 03/10/2018 19:53

Bit of a soppy one I’m afraid. Dd1 is three, dd2 is 5 months. I’m lucky enough to be a SAHM and I love it so much. I wonder if my girls will ever remember these days we share together and if they’ll really know how loved they truly are?

How do you ensure your ankle biters feel the love?

OP posts:
myknickersknackersknockers · 03/10/2018 21:58

I teach nursery children. I talked to them today about what/who they loved and who loves them. So many of them said their Mummy and Daddy love them so much and they know this because of lots of different reasons.

They were saying things like because they say they love me, cuddle me, kiss me, put me in bed, make me custard, play games etc.

I think children do know how loved they are but it isn’t always the things that adults would think that make a child feel loved.

Fluffymullet · 03/10/2018 22:04

Even if they don't remember the early years and hours of devotion you put in you are building their brain by giving love, cuddles and being responsive. There is evidence to say babies cuddled more have a bigger hippocampus (area of the brain that deals with memory) and a smaller hippocampus has been linked with ptsd and depression. So the effects of your love will last even when you are long gone.

My little girl was calming her sister who was crying on a short car journey home today. Holding her hand and telling her she would be home really soon and have milk/dinner. The baby stopped crying and my heart was bursting with love for them both!

SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 22:06

I remember talking about this to a friend once, saying how you put so much effort into things that they'll never remember. But we were saying that whilst they don't remember it completely forms who they are as a person, so every bit of love you give gradually adds up. One show of love and affection won't achieve much, but it's a build up of all the little gestures that matter.

It's kind of like taking a piece of marble and carving it. One hit will do very little, but you keep chipping away and something beautiful is created. How very deep of me Grin

onemorerose · 03/10/2018 22:11

Expectingtofly, how happy and proud you must be to have broken that cycle

Original poster
thewinehasgonetomyhead · 03/10/2018 22:17

Lol sausage. It’s true though!

OP posts:
DemocracyDiesInDarkness · 03/10/2018 22:24

This is a nice thread.

I tell my kids all the time that I'm the luckiest Mum ever, because of all the boys and girls in the world, I got the best ones!

And when we're just walking along holding hands or something I say to them 'we're so lucky aren't we? To have such a happy family and love each other so much.'

Ok, now I'm slightly weeping into my lone beer. I am travelling for work again and missing them a lot today. Sad

Bluelady · 03/10/2018 22:34

Beautiful thread, OP, thank you very much for starting it.

Ohyesiam · 03/10/2018 22:36

They just grow up knowing what love is, and choose relationships which are worthy of them.

pallisers · 03/10/2018 23:08

They just grow up knowing what love is, and choose relationships which are worthy of them.

This is such a good observation. I thank god every day for my mum who taught me to value myself as a person and my dad who showed me what a good decent man is like.

My mum and dad used to say that the best years of their lives were when we were tiny as they enjoyed us so much. to be fair they enjoyed every stage of their lives but when we saw them with their grandchildren - the sheer down on the floor/dancing/singing fun they had with them - we realised what they were like with us. So in some ways seeing them as grandparents gave us a glimpse back into the years we had forgotten.

Zigazagazoo · 03/10/2018 23:16

Awww I’m a new mum (4 months) and often think I hope she grows up to know how much I love her.
I am, unfortunately already back at work but seeing her when I get home just reinforces how I feel about her. I tell her all the time that I love her endlessly.

MissusGeneHunt · 03/10/2018 23:24

What a lovely thread OP, thank you.

I remember the love my mum showed to me when I was young. We were properly strapped for money, and she made beautiful clothes for me from hand me downs, and tore up her wedding dress to make a princess gown when I was four. I remember her cuddles, and keeping me warm next to the coal fire, and dosing me with pink medicine when I came down with frequent coughs. I always felt loved, no matter what.

Now I'm 47 and she's 77, and she still looks after me and loves me with all her heart, as I do her.

My DS, 14, is swathed in a mixture of love and tough love, we tell each other loads daily that we love each other, and he's an independent but loving young man. He's my life. I hope he remembers the type of things I do from my childhood, and feels how much he's loved.

Ooh. Something in my eye... 😪😢

Notcool1984 · 03/10/2018 23:31

My mum was sahm and I fondly remember x

Rachelsholiday · 03/10/2018 23:41

I believe your child makes bonds before the age of 2 that if they aren't made can affect their relationships and development for years. So whilst they might not 'remember ' the bonds and memories you make are priceless.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 03/10/2018 23:47

I asked ds once if he knew how much I loved him what was most important to me he replied without hesitation Me

I asked because I wanted him to not feel what I felt as a child (not that I really thought he would) My mum loves me but I never really felt loved by her and she does not and never has loved me the way I love ds she just isn’t capable of loving me that much (and really no one needs to say I bet she does, she really doesn’t she has proved it many times)

I do remember the love from my grandparents I always felt loved by them

I tell ds all the time he often replies yeah yeah Grin

iguanabanana · 03/10/2018 23:56

I went through hell to have my daughter and I still have to pinch myself sometimes to feel it's real!
I tell her several times a day that I love her, and I also have made her an email account that I occasionally send messages and pics to- just little things , " you started swimming lessons today - I couldn't believe how cute you looked in your tiny costume...."
I'm sure she'll cringe when she's older and I give her the password but it's just a little way I know she'll know how special she is to me.

Flyaway78 · 04/10/2018 00:00

@Ruffles

*I lost my own mum suddenly when I was 11, and at 38 I had my first baby earlier this year.

My mum has never been far from my thoughts but since I've become a mum myself I've had a whole new appreciation for her and felt so incredibly grateful for everything she did for me in those short years we shared together. I recognise certain aspects of her parenting style in my own, and I love it. *

What you wrote is so beautiful. I was moved to tears.

meow1989 · 04/10/2018 00:26

My DS is only 15 weeks but I found myself musing the other day that when he's a grown up grumpy teenager (although, clearly, my son will be a delight who confides in his mother, isn't moody and is well behaved 😜) he won't believe how much time much his father and I spend telling him how much we love him, how special he is and how lucky we are to have him. I hope he does though.

I tell DS I love him and kiss him hundreds of times a day, I tell him why ( "because you're clever, and beautiful and funny" etc) and I miss him if we're out with someone else because I haven't been able to give him one to one attention constantly (not that he has it all the time, he's content playing by himself on his mat). I also made up a little song about him that I use to calm him/settle him to sleep and sing that every day.

I sincerely hope that above all else, he always knows that he is loved and adored.

moita · 04/10/2018 03:19

They may not recall every detail but you're very literally imbibing them with love.

This made me emotional.

I agree.

Yogagirl123 · 04/10/2018 07:27

My DS’ are teenagers now, I tell them I love them every day, they never leave the house or go to bed without a kiss and hug from me and their dad.

On the rare occasion DS1 forgets to text to say he’s arrived at college (he has a long journey) I will text him, his messages from me are full of love.

They are such lovely sons, loved in equal measure and I know they love us too. The love gets deeper as they grow up. You can never give a child too much love IMHO. It makes for a confident and secure person in adulthood.

NoLeslie · 04/10/2018 07:34

OP saying you are 'lucky' to be a SAHM is what makes it seem judgy rather than factual. I understand, you are wrapped in bubble of love and this makes any of us less self aware.

Tbh my kids early memories are dominated by food. "I remember that day (doing x major lovely creative heartfelt activity)... I had a twix"

That's how you know.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 04/10/2018 08:06

OP saying you are 'lucky' to be a SAHM is what makes it seem judgy rather than factual.

Only if the person reading it is insecure in their own choices. It is lucky to be able to be a sahp in this day and age if that's what you want to do. Not everything anyone says is judgemental. Hmm

Original poster
thewinehasgonetomyhead · 04/10/2018 08:07

NoLeslie I’m sorry if it came across wrong. I literally meant that I am a SAHM and I feel very lucky that I’m able to do that, as I know a lot of parents would love to stay at home but can’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
thewinehasgonetomyhead · 04/10/2018 08:08

ThanksHunkyJesus thank you.

OP posts:
ferntwist · 04/10/2018 08:15

thewine every little thing you are doing to meet their needs and give them love is helping their brains to develop to the full, with millions of neuron connections developing because of what you do. It’s not just about the moment, you’re literally setting them up for a life of happiness by being a loving and attentive momma.

ferntwist · 04/10/2018 08:17

Also how can anyone say it’s ‘judgy’ to say you feel lucky to be a SAHM? That’s ridiculous. It’s the opposite of judgy. I suspect some posters are just very touchy about anyone saying they are a SAHM unless they’re not happy?

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