Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at what point, and how you approach someone about whether all is ok with their baby?

115 replies

SummerGems · 03/10/2018 14:21

Before I am potentially flamed here or accused of judging, I’m not judging, but I am concerned.

My neighbours are lovely people. Well that is to say the bloke is lovely but I’ve never spoken to the wife because she pretty much keeps herself to herself whereas he’s the one who comes out and walks the dog and so on but I’ve no reason to assume that she isn’t lovely as well... Earlier this year they had a baby. In the beginning he cried a lot and the bloke told us that he had a tongue tie, reflux and other things which were difficult but being brought under control with medication and intervention. So far so normal. Babies cry, especially newborns and. Didn’t really give it much thought.

However, in the past couple of months I have noticed that during the day the baby cries all the time. Not just crying but screaming, high pitched screaming for probably fifteen/twenty minutes at a time.

At night when the husband is home the baby does cry but it’s just a normal baby’s cry iyswim? And I often hear him singing to the baby, talking to him etc and it’s just the normal run of the mill cry of a baby who is six months plus in age.

But the screaming every day is relentless, to the point that I am wondering whether everything is ok, or whether there could A, be something wrong with him, or B, that the mum just might not be coping.

But I don’t know her well enough to ask. And I certainly wouldn’t want to go and knock on the door to ask if she’s ok because I don’t want her to feel judged. After all to tell someone you can hear their baby screaming next door would potentially make her feel worse if she’s already finding it difficult to cope.

So wwyd?

OP posts:
oatmilk4breakfast · 03/10/2018 14:26

Tricky one. Until anything became obvious I think I would just try and make friends with the mum. Like, find an excuse to knock on door, ask for something...if I spotted that she perhaps wasn’t alright I might be more direct... ‘how’s it going? I remember when my baby was your DC’s age, I was knackered constantly...’ then just listen? I did do this once with a mum in a cafe and ended up swapping numbers as we lived close!

WinnieFosterTether · 03/10/2018 14:28

tbh it doesn't sound as though you're asking if everything is ok with the baby. It sounds as though you're thinking there's a problem with the mum because you mention the husband singing, etc.
It could be that you're focusing on the crying during the day so hence are noticing it more. So firstly if I were you I would keep a diary for a day and evening. Then you'll see if the facts actually support what you think you're hearing.
If, after that, you have any suspicion that the baby is crying because the mum is mistreating him then you have to report it.
If you genuinely think it's because of the baby's medical issues then that's none of your business.

FissionChips · 03/10/2018 14:32

If you know where her health visitor is based then I’d phone up and let them know your concerns.

Original poster
SummerGems · 03/10/2018 14:34

No I don’t necessarily think that she’s mistreating him. More that she could e.g. be suffering with PND and just not coping so leaving him to cry?

But yeah, a diary is a good idea. He does cry at night but it’s just normal baby crying. This genuinely is high pitched screaming. It would never occur to me to think she’s mistreating him though, but there can still be things wrong without abuse etc being in the equation, surely?

OP posts:
albert92 · 03/10/2018 14:36

@SummerGems Babies cry all the time my son used to scream for 2 hours straight most days really high pitched and nothing I did helped him at all, maybe offer her some help

ArnoldBee · 03/10/2018 14:38

My son had reflux and cried like this until he was a year old. It was relentless and high pitched like nothing else. I don't know your neighbours so I don't know if it could be abuse however in my case it was relentless reflux.

glintandglide · 03/10/2018 14:41

I can’t think of a way to say this without sounding cold hearted but one of the things about Internet forums is they make you think you need to resolve everything in life. And you don’t. This is actually nothing to do with you and what could you do? I know you probably think oh you could be friends and support her through her awful PND but really that’s just so likely is it? This is a fairly normal situation, nice husband, as you say.

Probably the last thing this woman needs is to become paranoid that she’s the benefactor of a mumnet “make friends with her and support her” thread.

recklessruby · 03/10/2018 14:49

My dd used to scream for hours in the day. She was a colicky baby and a bad sleeper and usually wanted to be in my arms so if I was doing washing or dishes she'd be yelling. It might just be a phase or medical problems but you don't know she's not running around in that house doing everything to keep baby quiet.
I must admit I didn't think about the neighbours. I was just trying to hold it together with dd and 6 year old ds. But where I lived everyone had young dc.
She might be put under even more pressure if she thinks you are judging her. Even if you're not.

glintandglide · 03/10/2018 14:51

*just not likely even

solittletime · 03/10/2018 15:01

I had a very screamy baby. I also clearly wasn't coping but didn't realise it at the time. A few times my two child free neighbours knocked to check everything was ok. With us it was consistent, even evenings and weekends when dh was home.
I didn't blame them for knocking as one those occasions she had been particularly bad.
Had one of them invited me over for a tea for a change of scenery I would have welcomed the gesture. Why not do that. Just a friendly, neighbourly " would you like to pop over tomorrow morning I remember the difficult baby days?
If she's not keen she'll just be vague and avoid It. No harm done

TheOrigFV45 · 03/10/2018 15:09

OP, do you have children yourself? I ask because popping round to offer support when you've walked in her shoes is quite different to someone who may give the impression that they're annoyed.

I am not saying you sound like that latter, at all, but looking at it from the mother's POV I would have taken help, advice, a friendly shoulder etc from another mother at that stage.

TatterdemalionAspie · 03/10/2018 15:24

When the baby is screaming, pop round and ask to borrow some sugar because you've out in the mist of making cakes. Then take her a couple round to say thanks. You'll might get an idea of the situation by her demeanour when she answers the door, and you've established friendly contact and the opportunity for interaction if she wants it.

Would look a bit odd if you live opposite a food shop, mind you.

TatterdemalionAspie · 03/10/2018 15:26

*midst not mist.

TatterdemalionAspie · 03/10/2018 15:28

By demeanour I mean - does she look frazzled, or as though she's in the midst of cleaning, or soothing a colicky baby, or whatever. Also to make an approach in a neutral way that opens a door, rather than asking if something's wrong.

sofato5miles · 03/10/2018 15:31

One of my very best friends is an old neighbour whose son was a very difficult toddler. One day, after about 2 hours of screaming i knocked on the door to ask if she fancied a cup of tea. She burst into tears and I sat with her till everything calmed down. Having a child can be very isolating if you don't have friends and family who can help near by.

MemoryOfSleep · 03/10/2018 15:40

My query is, does the baby scream all day like that when the dad is at home too, such as on weekends?

Haahhpy · 03/10/2018 15:43

Babies cry. Some babies cry a lot. They cry more at some times of the day than others. Leave her alone!

Batteriesallgone · 03/10/2018 15:44

With our child with physical problems, we were advised by the doctor to give pain relief at night as priority. The thinking being that 24hr meds are not a great habit to be in, and if you are going to get a break from the screaming at some point, best at night so you can drop down asleep the minute they relax and fall asleep.

It may be that they and the doctor are making some difficult decisions about medication that are leading to symptoms being worse in the day. Given the age the screaming could maybe be linked to weaning and food intolerances, though I don’t have much knowledge about that.

If you suspect abuse you have to report. If you don’t, I’d just ignore. The baby will (hopefully!) grow out of it soon anyway.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2018 15:46

But what if she does need support?

Would it really hurt to ask her in for coffee?

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2018 15:47

My dd now 11 was a very difficult baby (colicky) difficult to sooth or settle, she now now has been diagnosed with ASD and learning difficulties (not that this is what is wrong with the baby, but sets the scene for how I was feeling and my experience of babies). I felt so down, and depressed. She was much better with my dh, and he could sooth her better than me. I think that she sensed that i was tense and anxious, so used to make it worse.

Batteriesallgone · 03/10/2018 15:50

If the mum is already quite withdraw being friendly with the neighbours might be extra pressure she just doesn’t need.

I would have hated to have been invited round for coffee with my screamy baby and just sat there feeling ashamed the whole time, trying to be nice enough to make up for being noisy neighbours.

Everyone is different but I was very grateful that my neighbours were smiley and nice enough but also kept their beaks out.

ToastyFingers · 03/10/2018 15:51

Dd1 was like this. She's scream frantically whenever she wasn't being held, until she was about 9 months old.
So during the day there would be frequent bouts of screaming so I could shower, pee, eat, wash dishes and occasionally do some housework.

She didn't do this in the evening because when DH got home we could take turns holding her.

Original poster
SummerGems · 03/10/2018 15:59

Ok to answer some questions:

Yes, I have DC although they’re teenage now. But I’ve been there in terms of having babies.

No the baby doesn’t scream like that when the dad’s at home, not as far as I can tell anyway. But I will definitely take on board what someone suggested up-thread about keeping a diary.

I don’t know whether she has local support, I know his parents live locally because I’ve seen his dad out the front of the houses doing stuff for them and he’s mentioned about his parents coming over. But short of actively spying out of the window I’m not sure about her, although I don’t see or hear people coming and going during the day.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 03/10/2018 16:02

Please report it. You can even record the difference in crying for the health visitor.

She clearly needs support of some kind.

BumbleeBeeMe · 03/10/2018 16:06

Could you casually offer a cup of coffee to the mum?
My friends daughter used to cry a lot with her during the day and then be fine with the dad in the evening. She wasn't mistreating the baby or even not coping - just the way her DD was. It is hard to deal with a baby that's screaming at you all the time though, it might be nice for her to have a friend. If she knows you she might be more likely to ask for help if she needs it too Smile