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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask at what point, and how you approach someone about whether all is ok with their baby?

115 replies

SummerGems · 03/10/2018 14:21

Before I am potentially flamed here or accused of judging, I’m not judging, but I am concerned.

My neighbours are lovely people. Well that is to say the bloke is lovely but I’ve never spoken to the wife because she pretty much keeps herself to herself whereas he’s the one who comes out and walks the dog and so on but I’ve no reason to assume that she isn’t lovely as well... Earlier this year they had a baby. In the beginning he cried a lot and the bloke told us that he had a tongue tie, reflux and other things which were difficult but being brought under control with medication and intervention. So far so normal. Babies cry, especially newborns and. Didn’t really give it much thought.

However, in the past couple of months I have noticed that during the day the baby cries all the time. Not just crying but screaming, high pitched screaming for probably fifteen/twenty minutes at a time.

At night when the husband is home the baby does cry but it’s just a normal baby’s cry iyswim? And I often hear him singing to the baby, talking to him etc and it’s just the normal run of the mill cry of a baby who is six months plus in age.

But the screaming every day is relentless, to the point that I am wondering whether everything is ok, or whether there could A, be something wrong with him, or B, that the mum just might not be coping.

But I don’t know her well enough to ask. And I certainly wouldn’t want to go and knock on the door to ask if she’s ok because I don’t want her to feel judged. After all to tell someone you can hear their baby screaming next door would potentially make her feel worse if she’s already finding it difficult to cope.

So wwyd?

OP posts:
BuntyII · 03/10/2018 17:13

Could you nab the husband and chat with him about it?

Notagainagainagain · 03/10/2018 17:17

One vote for friendly offer of cup of tea. Seems unlikely that will send anyone over the edge if not wanted and she might appreciate it. You sound like a reasonable person from your posts so I doubt you’ll do it in an overbearing way & would back off if it’s apparent she’s not interested. FWIW I would have appreciated it. Accept not everyone would though.

EwItsAHooman · 03/10/2018 17:19

People say this really glibly, as though it’s something that happens in the real world. You’re suggesting a woman with grown kids finds the local health visitor number (good luck, trying to get to speak to my own health visitor once was about as easy as trying to speak with the queen) but say she does. She then dials it and explains to whoever answers that her neighbour at number 23 has got a baby that cries all day and please can they come visit her to check all is ok.

Does that actually sound like normal behaviour?

And how utterly shit would that mother feel when the HV rocks up at the door "oh hello dear, we've had a report that you might be struggling to cope..."?

A friend of mine at playgroup. Her 3yo got out of the main door after some helpful soul on their way in held the bloody thing open for him. She spotted right away that he'd gotten out and was right behind him, caught him on the lawn outside and after the initial hug of relief she gave him a telling off for running out of the door. The telling off was not at volume, was not aggressive or violent, was literally "you do NOT go out of that door without mummy, EVER" in a firm voice. Another mother at the group, and I know exactly which one because she laid claim to it the following week like she expected a pat on the head, reported her to the HV and SS, saying that she had concerns about how my friend is coping with her 3yo because she grabbed his arm in a "rough manner". She grabbed his arm because he was headed for the road and had to grab him to stop him, as soon as she'd stopped him she let go. Luckily the organiser of the playgroup was able to back up my friends account of events but it made her feel absolutely shit because the HV rang her and then SS made an appointment to come to her house. She felt under scrutiny, it really knocked her confidence, and she now refuses to come to the playgroup because she's worried that she's being watched for mistakes.

MrsJayy · 03/10/2018 17:22

Do you see her at all ? You said she keeps to herself but have you waved and said hi hows you/baby she might strike up a chat Btw i don't think you are nosey just concerned

ManorGreyhound · 03/10/2018 17:25

Parents have every right to raise their child as they see fit, even if its not something you agree with, or would do your self.

This nanny state-ing, being supported by the largely 'big state' left leaning MN really shocks me.

We need to have a big think about the personal autonomy we are blithely handing over to the state.

MsMotherOfDragons · 03/10/2018 17:29

I really don't think you can report a baby crying. All babies cry. I know that you think there is a difference between its crying in the evening and its crying in the day, but this could be anything - frustration with feeding, boredom, colic.

Are you worried about the baby for any other reason or is it just the crying?

I too would be uncomfortable and upset about a baby crying a lot, and cry it out isn't my thing at all, but some people do subscribe to it and it's not illegal.

FruitofAutumn · 03/10/2018 17:32

The babe probably just doesn't like being put down while mum has a shower, gets dressed or puts a load of washing on , and shrieks with indignation at her daring to do so!

Babies scream and cry , that's what they do.Well lots of them anyway.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/10/2018 17:36

Invite them all round one weekend for tea and cake..... then see how it goes..

MrsJayy · 03/10/2018 17:49

Parents have every right to raise their child as they see fit, even if its not something you agree with, or would do your self.

Well some paren4a feel the need to raise their children in total chaos of abuse and neglect and care not a jot if their child is being harmedso no parents need to raise their children properly

Original poster
SummerGems · 03/10/2018 17:52

Gosh no I couldn’t imagine just ringing the HV. In fact I’ve always been incredibly Hmm at some of the posts on here which say things along the lines of “do give SS a ring, if it’s innocent then the parents will understand.” Mmm I don’t think they would, actualy.

Anyway a update of sorts. I have just been out to put the bins out and the DH was just coming in from work. I did ask just casually how they all are and he didn’t go into detail but he did say that they’ve been back and forth to the hospital because the baby still has some feeding issues, and he did say that he has recently changed his work hours to work from home some of the time as his DW is finding it difficult.

I haven’t pried into it any further than that, but I did give him my number and said that if she fancies popping round for a cup of tea she would always be welcome as I’m at home all day.

So I’ll leave it at that.

I will just reiterate that at no point did I think that the baby was being abused or mistreated in any way.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 03/10/2018 17:58

Not that I think this baby is being abused but I don't think we live in a nanny state that is damaging parents

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2018 18:00

Any that's good op, it is great he's there to help his wife.it can be very painful, and the cries can vary. If the baby is in great pain, the cry might be a high pitched cry. It is hard if you are stuck at home looking after baby, and feelisokated as you are afraid to go out. It can get you down.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2018 18:01

The last thing ipthat she needs is being reported.

Valanice1989 · 03/10/2018 18:06

Probably the last thing this woman needs is to become paranoid that she’s the benefactor of a mumnet “make friends with her and support her” thread.

I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who feels this way! That's always in the back of my mind when I read these threads. I think the idea that someone's life will improve in any way after their neighbour invites them for a cup of tea is usually misguided, and probably comes from soaps where characters end up pouring their hearts out to people they barely know.

cookiesandchocolate · 03/10/2018 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ariela · 03/10/2018 18:11

I'd do a bit of baking and invite her & baby round for a cup of coffee to help you demolish the excess of cakes you happen to have. I'm sure she feels lonely and isolated, is there anyone else you know with a similar aged baby you can invite as well.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2018 18:17

Report and say what exactly! Ooh I heard baby crying g differently in the day, to the evening when it's with dad. No don't report that's the last thing she needs. Stay out unless you have heard the baby being mistreated.

EwItsAHooman · 03/10/2018 18:18

I haven’t pried into it any further than that, but I did give him my number and said that if she fancies popping round for a cup of tea she would always be welcome as I’m at home all day.

I think that's the right call. Ball is in her court with no awkwardness or pressure.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2018 18:22

I certainly wasn't suggesting the OP shanghies the neighbour! She's perfectly at liberty to decline any invitation.

But some people would be pleased to see a friendly face.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 03/10/2018 18:28

My hv was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. The advice to ring a total stranger's hv always makes me Confused. Having them come over to check up on her parenting, on the invitation of her neighbours is going to improve her state of mind no end!

The baby is clearly unwell and probably cries less when dad is home because there are two of them - one to hold the baby while the other does stuff. During the day, mum has to put baby down if she needs to do anything else. Hence the more frequent crying. Given the probable high level of medical involvement here, if there was a problem outside of the norm, I expect the hcp would have picked up on it.

glintandglide · 03/10/2018 18:41

In most areas Hv don’t even do home
Visits anymore. You take baby to baby clinic or never see them

RandomMess · 03/10/2018 19:25

It's lovely that you've passed on your number.

As a Mum who had one with silent reflux that was nearly broken with the misery and screaming do knock on her door and tell her that you really mean it and you are happy to do something as simple as cuddle the baby for half an hour whilst she has a shower or makes herself lunch.

It is horrendous having a baby that screams like that unless you hold it one particular position and doesn't nap during the day at all.

spiderlight · 04/10/2018 17:50

I hope she takes you up on the offer. It sounds as if they're having a difficult time and a friendly face next door can make a big difference. I was very isolated when I had DS, having moved to a new area a few weeks before he was born, and although he was actually a 'fairly easy baby I would have loved a neighbour to have a cuppa with occasionally.

tessmcgill · 04/10/2018 17:51

Contact your local Single Point of Access (SPA) for advice.

Port1ajazz · 04/10/2018 17:52

Make a nice cake and pop round and say it's about time you got to know each ?

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