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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at what point, and how you approach someone about whether all is ok with their baby?

115 replies

SummerGems · 03/10/2018 14:21

Before I am potentially flamed here or accused of judging, I’m not judging, but I am concerned.

My neighbours are lovely people. Well that is to say the bloke is lovely but I’ve never spoken to the wife because she pretty much keeps herself to herself whereas he’s the one who comes out and walks the dog and so on but I’ve no reason to assume that she isn’t lovely as well... Earlier this year they had a baby. In the beginning he cried a lot and the bloke told us that he had a tongue tie, reflux and other things which were difficult but being brought under control with medication and intervention. So far so normal. Babies cry, especially newborns and. Didn’t really give it much thought.

However, in the past couple of months I have noticed that during the day the baby cries all the time. Not just crying but screaming, high pitched screaming for probably fifteen/twenty minutes at a time.

At night when the husband is home the baby does cry but it’s just a normal baby’s cry iyswim? And I often hear him singing to the baby, talking to him etc and it’s just the normal run of the mill cry of a baby who is six months plus in age.

But the screaming every day is relentless, to the point that I am wondering whether everything is ok, or whether there could A, be something wrong with him, or B, that the mum just might not be coping.

But I don’t know her well enough to ask. And I certainly wouldn’t want to go and knock on the door to ask if she’s ok because I don’t want her to feel judged. After all to tell someone you can hear their baby screaming next door would potentially make her feel worse if she’s already finding it difficult to cope.

So wwyd?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 04/10/2018 17:56

I had a baby that cried a lot, she had feeding problems and was just generally a grumpy baby, she hated being changed, hated anyone looking at her, hated certain people visiting and was only quite when feeding correctly. She was noisy until she was 2.5, she was later diagnosed with ASD and a few other conditions. I felt so lonely when she was a baby as I couldn’t really take her anywhere as she would just cry and I was embarrassed inviting people over as they would want to hold her and she hated people touching her. It was probably the worst 2 years of my life Sad

Maybe you could help out by taking over the occasional meal for them as they must be tired, and just offer a friendly ear.

ToftyAC · 04/10/2018 17:58

My DS1 had quite bad colic - always at the same time of day - and it was relentless high pitched screaming for a couple of hours. It may be that simple.... diary is a good idea though

PeapodBurgundy · 04/10/2018 18:01

My baby cried loudly for about 15 minutes this morning, which is longer than she'd ever have cried if her Dad was home. I 't have PND, nor was she being ignored, she was in her beanbag next to me the full time, being talked to and sung to. Myslef and my toddler needed a shower courtesy of the delightful D&V bug which has taken up residence with us. She's a 6 week old baby who dislikes being put down at the best of times. Today she was poorly, so even less inclined to be by herself. Sometimes babies cry, and sometimes you can;t pick them up right away. If my neighbour had reported me to a HV for trying to keep both myself and my kids clean of shit and vomit, I'd have been absolutely furious to say the least. I appreciate your post has come from a place of concern, but I'd keep out of it OP.

PeapodBurgundy · 04/10/2018 18:02

*sorry for the typos, buried under a feeding baby, typing one handed

RedPandaMama · 04/10/2018 18:02

I often worry if my neighbours think this about us, but at night. DD is 14 months and she cries for about 2 hours in the middle of the night, every night. I worry our neighbours (we live in a terrace) are A) disturbed (but there's genuinely nothing we can do) and B) concerned about our daughter.
She's the happiest girl ever during the day but horrible at night. It could be the opposite for your neighbour, just one view.

However in this situation if it were me I would probably make up a silly excuse e.g. 'im making cookies for a family party and had some spare I thought I'd bring them round and see if you want them' then have a chat and maybe ask how they're finding it with the baby during the day and go from there.

Kim82 · 04/10/2018 18:07

You could have just described my house when my youngest was a baby, she had allergies and very severe silent reflux (was hospitalised a few times because of it). She would scream and scream all day when I was on my own with her, it wasn’t quite so bad when dh was home as he could hold her in a certain position which made it slightly less painful for her - my hands weren’t big enough to do it so I couldn’t relieve her pain like he could. She may be in a similar position and trying her best to soothe the baby but nothing apart from dh’s large hands and deep voice would soothe mine. I was crying as much as the baby...

When I was in that situation I’d have given anything for a neighbour to pop round, offer a cup of tea and a listening ear but I realise not everyone is the same so your neighbour may not appreciate it. I’d maybe try and speak to the husband to see how the baby is getting on and go from there.

Booboo66 · 04/10/2018 18:27

My baby also had reflux, she was worse in the day and would scream like you describe for extended periods of time but be calmer in the evening. I comforted her constantly but nothing made a difference. It lasted til about 7/8 months old. How old is baby?

caringcarer · 04/10/2018 18:29

Drop by with a couple of really nice cakes you bought and ask if she would like cake and cuppa. Casually say one of your children cried a lot like her baby, and cried whenever it was put down and one of your neighbours held and rocked baby so you could shower.

MirandaGoshawk · 04/10/2018 18:33

I think you sound caring, OP. I only met my neighbour when I found myself alone at home all day with twins, and she turned out to be a bloody life-saver. I agree that you may gain a potential friend, but if not at least you'll have neighbours you know well enough to call on in an emergency.

Soov567 · 04/10/2018 18:51

I’m a new mum and my neighbour has been fantastic. I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without her - go round and offer a cup of tea OP, if she doesn’t fancy it, I’m sure she’ll let you know but it could turn out to be a lifeline for her and a valued friendship for both of you

rotavixsucks · 04/10/2018 18:58

My neighbour knocked on my door one evening; DH answered and the neighbour stated that DD cries a lot and asked what was wrong with her. DH explained she had reflux, colic and was teething-neighbour replied that none of her children cried that much.

All it did was make me feel judged and a failure as a mother. Home was no longer a safe place to stay with my baby and i would feel more stressed out knowing the neighbour was listening and 'taking notes' so I'd end up driving around in the car just so that the neighbour wouldn't hear her cries.

DD would literally cry for hours on end no matter what you did and would sleep for an hour then be awake screaming for two hours all night. As such we we're exhausted.

Unfortunately I was too knackered to be driving really but was desperate to get away and ended up having a car accident.

A year on DD is still very demanding and cries a lot but not constantly thankfully but we no longer speak to the neighbour. This was a neighbour who we would speak to, brought us gifts when DD was born and we'd help each other out occasionally.

I know they were probably trying to be kind/helpful or were concerned like yourself but it totally ruined our relationship and I am now always on edge at home.

tashac89 · 04/10/2018 19:03

My now 3 year old has always sounded like I'm setting him on fire when I wash his hair, right from newborn. My 5 year old used to scream like a banshee whenever it was silent in the house. My 8 year old hated baths full stop and my 10 year old was a quiet, calm baby unless there was genuinely something wrong, usually really bad trapped wind, hungry or nappy needed changing. They're all different and baby could be crying for any number of reasons. Or none at all.

Theluckynumberthree · 04/10/2018 19:45

This is toughie op... personally I would phone the health visitor( usually easy to find if you phone gp and ask for the health visitor in your area).
I would speak with the health visitor and just say what you have here- your concerned because of the form of crying but don’t know the neighbours well enough to knock and check all is okay. If the baby is suffering coeliac etc the health visitor will prob know about it anyway from check ups and weigh ins. Equally if you do nothing and it does turn out to be something with mum and or baby then you will regret doing nothing...

Theluckynumberthree · 04/10/2018 19:47

*colic!!! Not coeliac!!! Stupid phone

ItLooksABitOff · 04/10/2018 19:58

OP, just pop over with a gift - maybe baking or something and say hi. No harm, no foul.

x

tattyteddy · 04/10/2018 19:58

I’ve had PND and a friendly neighbour offering a cup of tea would have been lovely. I like that saying that it takes a village to raise a child. Families are so often far apart these days that you need a different support network nearby.

masterchef98 · 04/10/2018 20:16

It is a lot easier to open up a bit when walking instead of face to face over a cup of tea. Maybe offer that, just popping to the corner shop - do you want anything/ want to come ...

Lucy001 · 04/10/2018 20:24

CAF. Children's services are not issued with jackboots. They WANT people to be ok and to cope, but if intervention is required to achieve that, then that is fine. Please phone them and tell them your concerns. They will not swoop in and seize the baby. They won't take him or her away. Not unless there is NO other choice. Please protect the child, because the people who do that, in the end, are not demons. They'll help. They can't if they don't know.

MsMotherOfDragons · 04/10/2018 21:04

I really think that it's overkill to call social services about a crying baby (which you already know suffers from reflux) unless you have other concerns.

Personally if a neighbour had done this to me when my (colicky, crying) baby was little, I'd have been desperately upset and distressed by the fact that anyone could think that my crying baby was a sign of something terrible being wrong.

Luckily, I had neighbours who told me not to worry about the noise, offered their experience of things that had helped their children/grandchildren with colic, and didn't call social services. We're all happy and well now.

Strongmummy · 04/10/2018 22:25

If you are concerned you should go and ask if she’s ok or whether she’d like a coffee. Try and get closer to her as she may need support.

AwolFlower · 04/10/2018 22:30

Sorry if you're my neighbour Blush

timeisnotaline · 04/10/2018 22:43

I would definitely follow up - i would happily phone your number usually but with my 4mo and 3yo at the moment I wake up and think I should catch up with people ... nah too hard. And then add into it that many people would find it hard to dial your number even if they wanted to....
I’d turn up with cake and say dropping this off for you- I won’t come in , that wouldn’t be fair at all, but you’re welcome to drop around now or in the next few hours for a cup of tea and I have the other half of this cake languishing :) if they project fuck off that’s fine too, no harm in having made the overture.

Leobynature · 04/10/2018 22:52

My girl is 8 ‘months. When she was teething a while back she would spend most of the night crying and moaning and me and DH would be so stressed on a couple of occasions I shouted at him to ‘do something’.
Anyway my neighbour who I hardly spoke to knocked the door with some baby medication such as bonjela, calpol, sudocrem, reflux meds and another teething gel. She also brought me cake and flowers and offered some advice to look after myself and take it easy and she was next door if I needed a break. She was so kind and humble.

She must of heard all this commotion but she never said.

That is one of the most thoughtful things I have ever experienced xx

jellyjellabi · 04/10/2018 23:08

I was very lucky as my baby rarely cried but I was still really grateful when my neighbour called round and suggested a cuppa.
I would just go round and say you would love to see the baby and does she fancy a coffee.

You sound like a very caring and genuine person op

WellThisIsShit · 04/10/2018 23:16

When you are sinking and desperate, you often can’t approach someone for help, even if you’ve invited her to, through her partner.

I’d drop round with a super convincing excuse, to make it super easy to help her to accept your help. Like... I was popping to the shop and wondering what I could get you? Or, here a cake I baked / bought earlier, would you like me to hold the baby whilst you sit down to eat it? Etc...

Even holding a baby for a few minutes whilst she has a shower could help lots, if she’s comfortable with it.