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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at what point, and how you approach someone about whether all is ok with their baby?

115 replies

SummerGems · 03/10/2018 14:21

Before I am potentially flamed here or accused of judging, I’m not judging, but I am concerned.

My neighbours are lovely people. Well that is to say the bloke is lovely but I’ve never spoken to the wife because she pretty much keeps herself to herself whereas he’s the one who comes out and walks the dog and so on but I’ve no reason to assume that she isn’t lovely as well... Earlier this year they had a baby. In the beginning he cried a lot and the bloke told us that he had a tongue tie, reflux and other things which were difficult but being brought under control with medication and intervention. So far so normal. Babies cry, especially newborns and. Didn’t really give it much thought.

However, in the past couple of months I have noticed that during the day the baby cries all the time. Not just crying but screaming, high pitched screaming for probably fifteen/twenty minutes at a time.

At night when the husband is home the baby does cry but it’s just a normal baby’s cry iyswim? And I often hear him singing to the baby, talking to him etc and it’s just the normal run of the mill cry of a baby who is six months plus in age.

But the screaming every day is relentless, to the point that I am wondering whether everything is ok, or whether there could A, be something wrong with him, or B, that the mum just might not be coping.

But I don’t know her well enough to ask. And I certainly wouldn’t want to go and knock on the door to ask if she’s ok because I don’t want her to feel judged. After all to tell someone you can hear their baby screaming next door would potentially make her feel worse if she’s already finding it difficult to cope.

So wwyd?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2018 16:10

Why report what has the mum done wrong! Can you hear her screaming at the baby, and you hear her mistreating them, if not I would stay out of it. As I said, dd used to respond differently to her dad. This is the type of thing that makes depressed mums withdraw, worried about judgey neighbours.

colourful86 · 03/10/2018 16:10

Go round with something like some baby bits you can say a friend was getting rid of, or a really early Christmas card!
Reach out to her and offer your support
Read the reaction from her and see how you feel after that
Or you could have a chat with the husband? Just ask how they're getting on and say 'oh mine were just like that in the day time' etc.
Don't ignore it, but equally don't assume there is something bad going on.
But it must be concerning you enough to be taking this much notice of it and to be asking for advice on here

llangennith · 03/10/2018 16:13

Could you phone the local health visitor and voice your concerns? The mum may have PND and be unable to cope.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/10/2018 16:14

Unless you can hear her baby being mistreated, than stay out of it.

TheOrigFV45 · 03/10/2018 16:17

Oh goodness, just knock on the door and say hello and ask if she'd like a cuppa. Go from there. You don't need to mention anything else - apart from maybe acknowledging she's at home with a baby and that can be lonely. Maybe take your number on a post-it and if you happen to knock at a busy time, just give her your number and say you'd be happy to hear from her.

You both might make a new friend.

BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 03/10/2018 16:18

It sounds like she ignores the baby to cry it out when she's alone with him. This could definitely be due to PND and not being able to cope alone.

Graphista · 03/10/2018 16:20

During the day and at 6 months baby is likely eating more often and eating other food rather than just having milk. As they've had dietary system issues before it's not surprising weaning could be causing further difficulties, one of my dn's has multiple food allergies and weaning was an absolute nightmare! Trying to strike the balance between enough cals/nutrition and not wanting to cause symptoms can be extremely difficult. By evening you tend not to push your luck in the approach to sleep time and stick to milk that you know they can tolerate.

You seem genuinely concerned though and having a child with illness is very challenging. Could you pop round with a cake or small gift? Or to ask a non existent "favour" - eg borrow a drop of milk, or small tool? And like pp said say how tough you found it when yours were tiny (if you have DC - if not relate it as a friend/relative that struggled).

BUT if you sense she's not open to talking to or getting support off you, then you do need to leave her be.

ManorGreyhound · 03/10/2018 16:21

Good grief, mind your own business!

Offering support? Being a massive busybody more like!

EwItsAHooman · 03/10/2018 16:23

You're hearing g a baby cry for 10-15 minutes. You're not hearing her shouting at him or crashing around or banging doors. The baby is more than likely crying for perfectly normal reasons. DD used to shriek like a tea kettle if she was having a bath, shrieked when she was being dressed/undressed, shrieked when she was tired. Basically she shrieked a lot until she was around 8mo.

The baby has reflux and other issues, if she is weaning then it could be related to this especially as they could be lowering his reflux medications alongside offering solids.

100% keep your beak out. Don't go dropping by with cakes or asking for sugar or judging the situation based on how 'frazzled' she looks when she answers the door Hmm Awful advice and will only make an awkward situation into an incredibly awkward one, no one wants to be someone else's pity-friend.

If you absolutely must do or say something then casually mention to the dad when you see him that you're about during the day and she (the mum) is welcome to knock for a cuppa if she ever wants to.

ManorGreyhound · 03/10/2018 16:23

You both might make a new friend

Or you might actually make her move house to get away from you, as we did with our fucking nightmarishly nosy bordering on obsessive friendly and community spirited ex-neighbours.

Graphista · 03/10/2018 16:24

Another reason - could dad be taking baby out of an evening to give mum a break and a chance for a nap?

When dd was colicky/teething being driven in the car helped and as I didn't drive at that time ex used to occasionally take her out to give me a break on the worst days when I plonked her straight on him soon as he got in from work and said take her!

That could be why not hearing as much in evenings?

EwItsAHooman · 03/10/2018 16:24

It sounds like she ignores the baby to cry it out when she's alone with him. This could definitely be due to PND and not being able to cope alone.

It sounds like nothing of the sort.

ManorGreyhound · 03/10/2018 16:29

I agree EwIts , but even if it were, IT IS STILL NONE OF OP's BUSINESS

Laiste · 03/10/2018 16:30

What will you do OP?

You've got half saying do go round and half saying don't!

TheOrigFV45 · 03/10/2018 16:35

Manor

I said: You both might make a new friend

You replied Or you might actually make her move house to get away from you, as we did with our fucking nightmarishly nosy bordering on obsessive friendly and community spirited ex-neighbours.

Which takes my comment completely out of context! I was suggesting she knock on the door and ask if her neighbour would like a cuppa NOT stalk her!

MerlinsScarf · 03/10/2018 16:39

One of my DC would scream and scream with colic and when settling for a nap. I would be cuddling my shrieking, unhappy baby trying to settle them the entire time so while you shouldn't look the other way if you think something is wrong, please don't jump to the worst either.

I'll add that my OH was the novelty in the evening (he worked long hours and occasionally a couple of days in another town, at the time). DC would settle faster with him because he was the novelty, and he had more physical strength for rocking and swaying.

According to some of the pps on this thread, I was clearly not coping, suffering from PND and ignoring my crying baby though Hmm

ManorGreyhound · 03/10/2018 16:45

TheOrig

The trouble is, my neighbours genuinely believed they were being friendly and trying to maintain a 'community'

Not all people perceive an act in the same way.

Original poster
SummerGems · 03/10/2018 16:47

Bloody hell, talk about jumping to conclusions. Nowhere have I said that I was going to report her. Nowhere have I said that I think the mum is abusing the baby. And nowhere have I said that I was planning to stalk the woman.

But the fact here is that this baby screams and screams and screams at times when only the mum is there with him. And I’ve been on MN long enough to have seen posts from other people saying that they had babies who screamed relentlessly either due to SN which was diagnosed later or to the fact that they themselves had PND and were feeling unable to cope and were isolated.

And their neighbours on the other side are the type to make them feel judged. The dad has already mentioned in the past that the neighbours on the other side have complained if their dog barks, and the dog maybe barks for a couple of minutes if they go out, nothing more so definitely not worth complaining about. So maybe I should just assume that the neighbours on the other side have already interfered to the extent that I should stay out of it.

I certainly don’t want to be over involved in these people’s lives. But I would like to hope that she isn’t having a difficult time of it because we all know that babies can be bloody hard work, and doubly so if you don’t have much support other than your partner.

OP posts:
Tinkerbell89 · 03/10/2018 16:48

Could you have a nice word with the husband? Only thing is if you felt you needed to contact the health visitor they may know it was you. Does she ever take baby out that you know of to baby groups? She could be stuck inside and struggling with PND or the baby just won't settle unless held and she's trying to get things done in the house. So many options on what it could be, I think you need to do what you feel is right. I know that doesn't help much

Batteriesallgone · 03/10/2018 16:48

These threads always go the same way

Group 1) some babies do just scream
Group 2) babies cry for a reason, something is wrong

It’s like bf vs ff, everyone is talking from their own experience

EwItsAHooman · 03/10/2018 16:53

Exactly Manor.

Official advice from the midwife and HV is that if your baby is crying and you're getting to your breaking point or you need a few minutes to get your head together you should put your baby somewhere safe such as a cot or playpen and walk away. Go get a drink or some.fresh air at the door or load the dishwasher or whatever but in the main, walk away and get your head together.

MrsCar · 03/10/2018 16:58

I'd report it to the health visitor. You hear all sorts of horror stories about neglect and abuse these days, and the first thing people say is 'why didn't anyone report any concerns'

It's probably not that, but it's better just to do it, and be wrong, rather than ignore it.

It's more than likely an unsettled baby, but even in that case, the mum could do with some sort of support.

glintandglide · 03/10/2018 17:02

“Report it to the health visitor”

People say this really glibly, as though it’s something that happens in the real world. You’re suggesting a woman with grown kids finds the local health visitor number (good luck, trying to get to speak to my own health visitor once was about as easy as trying to speak with the queen) but say she does. She then dials it and explains to whoever answers that her neighbour at number 23 has got a baby that cries all day and please can they come visit her to check all is ok.

Does that actually sound like normal behaviour?

SaucyJack · 03/10/2018 17:03

I should imagine the baby cries less when the Dad is home simply because there are two of them to share the load. I doubt he’s some sort of magic SuperDad and she’s a depressive monster.

Some babies do cry all the —fucking— time when they’re not being held. The Mum still has to shower, and feed herself, and sort the washing machine out etc.

Have you met the baby? They might just be a miserable sod. Go round and say hello, and you’ll soon be able to see whether that’s it.

ToriaPumpkin · 03/10/2018 17:12

Both of mine had reflux, both screamed a really awful, high pitched scream whenever they weren't being held. The younger one vomited every time she cried for more than six nanoseconds, so then she was hungry again, so then I had to feed her again so then she screamed more because the food hurt her and kicks doff her reflux, so she screamed...

They both cried less when my husband was home because he was calmer and I could hand the screaming baby to him to rock and walk around with while I wen to the toilet in peace and they'd generally pass out on him.

I had two sets of genuinely lovely neighbours who would offer me coffee and hold the babies while I stopped for breath who were life savers. I also had a mad one but we'll gloss over her! So my advice would be to catch her one day or put a note through asking if she wants to come for coffee and leave the ball in her court. One of the best friendships I had in that street developed from the day I turned up at their door, uninvited, with a screaming baby and asked if she could put the kettle on.