Maternity ward etiquette?

[greenfooted]

I suspect I am. On a maternity ward of four after c section two days ago. Baby opposite is a screamer. Has been doing so on and off all day . It's now 3 am. I have had no sleep. My baby wakes every time other baby screams. So is in my arms ( so I can't sleep). There are two of them with screaming baby. Aibu to think at some stage one of them should take it for a walk/ to the day room. I am on own as DH with our other kids so feeling pretty uncharitable and grumpy....even when DH was hear earlier this baby screamed through my earplugs...

@annette69 that is true!!!

Sheldon that made me laugh! Would drive me bonkers also

Charolais - nurseries vanished during late 90s replaced by rooming in.
Nursery nurses were brilliant at managing the nurseries, keeping an eye on mum and baby, involving midwife when needed. At night babies were changed and a cuppa made so that mum could be awoken to come and feed. Now partners are grafted to the woman's side even taking the bed when they get v tired, rather than going home for a sleep frightened they might miss something! Controlling men are impossible to shoo away as a result so domestic abuse is rarely disclosed anymore.

Sorry for my abrupt view but....I am a nurse and I also had this same situation as you. It's an NHS hospital, not a hotel and youve just had a baby, get used to little sleep.

Why are so women so hard on other women? And all the worse that this kind of view is being expressed by a nurse. I'm not surprised, unfortunately, because my experience was that the standard of care and attention from many nurses and midwives was not exactly great.

Why should women be willing to settle for such crap maternity care from the NHS? Women who have just given birth should be getting good care and the chance to rest and recover before they have to go home and cope with a newborn. It happens in other developed countries, you know.

YABU.

It's not your first time.

It's annoying, but I am pretty sure you had an inkling of what the ward might be like.

This has given me a lot of food for thought. The thing I really don't understand is the collective resignation that maternity "care" is shit, that's the way it is and you should just put up and shut up. Maybe it's only those of us who had our babies in the dark ages who can see how bad it is.

Why isn't this generation of mothers making a fuss about it? Why is there no campaign to get it improved? The lack of privacy alone goes against the governance of every NHS hospital in the country. It's no wonder that so many women are traumatised and suffer from pnd

Congratulations on your new arrival! Unfortunately I think you are being a bit unreasonable. As others have said recovery wards are hideous places, I had amazing nurses with dd1 who took her off each night for a few hours so I and the other mums could sleep as I was in for 5 days due to complications with her and she was a screamer. I was very distressed and tried everything to stop her screaming highly aware that she was disturbing others. She screamed because her face was swollen and covered in bruises from a hasty forceps delivery and she had a huge IV line in her hand, every time she knocked it she screamed the place down, she was in pain basically. Therefore you can’t really judge her as you’ve got no idea what they’ve been through or are going through.

On day three I had a lovely lady on my ward who had three children and was in with no.4 come over and give me a hug and say it does get better after I’d been sat sobbing for about an hour and asked if there was anything she could help with. Her kindness and experience was exactly what I needed.

When I had no.2 I had a much easier ride, gave birth at 9.00pm so only needed to stay overnight. The lady opposite me on the ward was sat sobbing with a screaming baby at 3am so I went and did the same. Told her it gets better, told her my story (she was going through similar) and gave her a hug. She realised I wasn’t a nutter and went and had her first shower in three days while I looked after her little boy, her husband was in the army and hadn’t made it home, he was still on his way. She’d had a shit time and needed kindness and support not judgement.

Having a baby is amazing but exhausting, overwhelming and utterly shit in those first few hours, days and weeks for lots of women regardless of how their little one entered the world. We need to help and support each other through it and not moan, you’ll be home soon and forget about it, she might have a screamer for weeks. Count yourself lucky.

I had two c-secs for my 2 DC and I went out of my way to stop my babies from crying so that we wouldn't upset everyone else in the ward. The second time we did have a crying baby opposite us but I didn't say anything because I think there was something really wrong with the poor child and I felt so bad for the parents, it's been years and I still wonder what happened to them. They were taken to the NICU on the second day. I even wanted to help them, to be honest, they did try their best to keep the poor baby from crying. I slept when I got home two days later (and stayed in bed for a week, thanks mum!). But yes, the maternity ward is not ideal at all, there was no privacy and some people don't understand you are not just a new mum, you're also recovering from a very serious operation! I found some very unsympathetic nurses, I even complained about them. I could not wait to get home.

YABU...I was so stressed when my little one was screaming in the middle of the night and had to be nursed all the time, and I was a new mother and I was so afraid of disturbing the other babies in the room and the mothers as well. I could barely cope especially with the nasty night-term midwives. If another mum had complained about my child crying and waking hers up, that would've been the last straw.
I was desperate to go home, but they wouldn't let me because I had a C-section.
I do think the problem is that they don't allow a partner or a family member to stick around to help.

No you are not being unreasonable. If a new mum can’t settle her baby then she should ask for help from the midwives and auxiliary staff who are on hand to teach her her how to meet her babies needs. She should do whatever it takes to keep her baby from screaming and disturbing others. Babies cry because they need their mothers to do something not just for the sake of it. New mums should think of others not just themselves. It’s a difficult time and you need sleep. Very selfish of the other mums to let their babies scream and not take them to a quiet place to sort them out.

@Suzie I think that's very harsh! I've not given birth yet myself but from what I've heard about the hours/day after a c section in particular, it's really not as simple as just 'taking them to a quiet place to sort them out'! I'm currently overdue and if I have to spend a few nights in a ward I hope I'm much more understanding than that if one of the other babies keeps me awake... and if mine is crying all night I really hope nobody is nasty about is as I imagine I'll feel terrible enough about it as it is!!

Suzielou66 Christ, you sound hard-nosed. I had a crier on the ward, I didn’t walk around jiggling him with a stitched up episiotomied vag at 3am, so sue me.

With DS1 I got shaken awake by MWs twice as I was so exhausted by my labour I slept through the crying - in fact, I was so exhausted DURING the labour I kept having micro sleeps and snoring between contractions right up until he was born. I certainly wasn’t deliberately ignoring him.

Maternity wards suck, but it’s not other patients fault. No one’s at their best, and it’s not just c-sections that are rough.

I do sympathise but if you want a 'quiet environment' then you should pay for private health care otherwise get over it your lucky you don't have a 20 grand bill for the privilege of the baby's screaming around you.

@suzielou66
Nurses and auxiliary nurses “on hand” !!!! have you been on a ward in the last 10 years??! Mine were helpful and amazing but hugely short staffed, I asked and the ratio one evening was 1:20 mums! They spent the whole time running around answering bells, there may not have been time to spend longer trying to help, wards are not the same place they were in my mums day. If you want peace you’ve got pay for it, I’m not knocking the nhs, they do an amazing job in difficult circumstances.

And I suggest you read my post, my baby didn’t cry soley because she “needed me” she cried because she was in pain as I’m sure you would be after trying to exit sideways something the size of a paper plate for an hour to then be dragged out with metal salad tongs by your head !!!

You’re opinion is sadly misplaced, if you go through and read the comments you’ll find lots about how short staffed wards are now.

SheldonSays He's now a happy, healthy 7 year old and when I had his sibling a couple of years later, the ward was much quieter and it was a vastly different experience which did a lot to help me get over the birth and immediate post-natal experience.

On my final day of the ward, it had calmed down to a much more civilised 1:8 and the staff had more time to be pleasant and care, the same staff who had been very perfunctory a couple of days earlier. Staff can't care if they are too rushed and can't take breaks for themselves or talk to patients. It's a system problem, not individuals.

It wouldn't surprise me if postnatal conditions did a lot to tip people into PND, particularly in the aftermath of difficult births. Not only are new mums staying multiple nights on a maternity ward medically vulnerable, they are emotionally vulnerable and thrown in the deep end of new responsibilities.

Wineallthetime
I didn’t say “ because they need you”, I said “because they need you to do something”. Yes I’ve had 2 kids, both difficult birth with lots of stitches etc.etc., no I didn’t give birth in the good old days. and in the night there were always auxiliary staff willing to hold your baby, take it for a walk or take it to the nursery.
LuvSmallDogs
Not hard nosed I just felt that if my baby was crying that it was my duty to do something about it so that others could sleep even if it was difficult for me. If i couldn’t do that on the ward I asked for help to get my baby off the ward. Common curtesy. I am disabled and suffer with two chronic illnesses so I know what it’s like to be tired and in pain every day. Some mums just don’t give a damn about anyone else and just let their babies cry. I know that some mums like yourself just don’t wake up because they are exhausted but the midwife came to you and I would hope helped you to settle your baby. Sometimes it is the mums fault though. There are some mums who just can’t be bothered

Suzielou66, helped me to settle him? You must be having a larf me old mate? Surely you mean barged back out the curtains as I tried to ask for help putting him back in the cot without waking him, as I felt so weak I was shaking?

Was 675 a night if I’d wanted a private room 😳
We had spent 100k on the actually baby though so had no money left !!!! My post natal experience was erm.....interesting to say the least but I think I was in a total haze

surreygirl1987
Not harsh and not nasty. There is rarely a time when a baby is crying and nothing can be done. Some mums are so selfish and don’t give a damn about anyone else on the ward they just let their babies cry and do nothing. As a mum it is your responsibility to take care of your baby as best you can and beyond that to ask for help. If you have a C-section it’s very difficult but there is always a nursery and someone on hand to help. The nhs is stretched but if you can’t get out of bed then the midwives will always help. I was in hospital for 9 weeks during each of my pregnancies and I saw some very lazy selfish mums. You don’t sound as if you are one of them but believe me they do exist.

LuvSmallDogs
You sound justifiably angry and hurt. Sounds like a useless midwife and i’m sorry that you had that awful experience. I would not have judged you harshly In that situation. It was the midwife’s faul not yours if she wasn’t understanding and willing to help. I spent 9weeks in hospital during each of my pregnancies and can honestly say that all of the staff were very supportive and understanding. Yes they were understaffed and underpaid , but they were always there to help.

Susie there is no nursery in my local hospital and certainly no spare staff hanging around to take your baby!

Jeez they didn’t have the staff to get peoples meds out on time let alone anything else!

@Suzielou66 I have never worked in, nor heard of an NHS hospital with a nursery.

The nhs is stretched but if you can’t get out of bed then the midwives will always help.

Pot luck in my case. One midwife who was on duty was lovely and caring, wouldn't have managed so well without her, the next was the opposite couldn't care less and unhelpful. I had twins to feed in (c section) and was exhausted and sleep deprived.
The lazy, unhelpful midwife wrote on the 'timetable' sheet that she'd helped with certain feeds (I was mix feeding) and that was just untrue, she hadn't fed either of them at any point.

No nursery in that hospital either.