AIBU to put MIL straight?

[WhackyBirds]

I probably am being unreasonable lol! but I’ve had enough of pretending.

MIL is fixated with shoving SIL down everyone’s throats. Poor SIL this, poor SIL that, it’s her main topic of conversation and usually results in an indirect request for something that “poor SIL” needs such as help doing something or an item she can’t afford.

The thing is, poor SIL isn’t “poor” (monetarily or in any other way). She exaggerates to MIL about needing help with stuff because she knows MIL will ring around the family and beg for help. SIL has money. Granted, not a lot, she’s a lone parent and one of her three children’s father’s doesn’t pay her anything (he’s overseas) but enough to go out regularly and drink and eat and shop (the photos are on Facebook). So when we get the “DN needs shoes” calls, it pisses me off. Priorities SIL!

The latest is that SIL needs new bedroom furniture and MIL has asked everyone to give SIL money for Christmas, instead of a gift, to buy the furniture. (SIL is nearly 50 btw! Why MIL is still controlling her gifts I don't know.) she also wants it early. Like now!

Whether we do this or not is not the point. We would only give the same amount as we would spend anyway (about £30). But I really feel like saying to MIL to stop with the begging because SIL has been on Facebook posting pictures of her new shoes and crap and if she stopped buying such stuff she could afford to run her own house.

It’s nothing to do with me though is it?!

(For the record, DH doesn’t get these requests, I do. MIL believes in a matriarchy and expects the women to do the interacting stuff.)

Ignore her? Does your Sil know her mum is begging on her behalf? Either way it’s up to your husband to sort it out.

I too have a poor sil. Poor sil has had 2 foreign holidays this year and a trip home (trip home sponsored by mil).
Things will never change I'm afraid.
Buy her normal stuff for Xmas and if mil has an issue tell her next year you want a new car if she can sort it!

Tell her you're no longer buying presents for the adults, just the kids

mimibunz Oh yes SIL definitely knows that MIL does this. DH won’t sort it out as MIL doesn’t speak to him directly about anything like this. Men are there to provide and the women control the money in MIL’s world.

Agentornika I would LOVE to do this. The problem is that the other SIL (the capable nice one!) doesn’t have children and I like to buy her presents!

Would DH cough up? If he thinks it’s ridiculous then just forward all messages to him.

If he’s likely to want to give his sister money, then you have a DH problem...!

Perhaps you can say “you must have misunderstood MIL, she’s just bought new shoes and been out for cocktails so she must be doing alright for cash”.

DH would give the same amount as we would spend, no more. We normally Christmas shop together. The one year I didn’t (ill) he got everyone £30 vouchers.

TestingTestingWonTooFree That's what I’m wondering, whether it’s my place to point it out. MIL must know that SIL spends and then says she’s broke. They live half a mile from each other and SIL is forever in Facebook. So actually it would be facetious to point it out wouldn’t it?!

Well, if you were going to give her a christmas present, just give her money as she probably does need it.

Just because somebody occasionally leaves the house to unwind with a friend doesn't mean they don't need money.

I would go quiet when your MIL begs on her behalf (embarrassing!) and just ignore the matter til Christmas.

My brothers ex likesto dictate what to
buy the kids. Oh they are going to Australia to see their aunt (but my brother rarely gets to see them). So I bought them an experienvd day out.

I'd want to make a comment like 'maybe if SIL took back those new shoes they would let her exchange them for DN to get a pair'

Tell her you can't do early presents as you have the money in a bank account that won't be touched til December.

Or just tell her unfortunately SiL will have to learn to save as you have a tight budget at the moment that giving her any money would effect your family a lot.

I'd just ignore it and do your own sweet thing as usual. If she chases leave it a couple of times then say "ok will talk to DH", then leave it.

UserMillionBillion Obviously we were going to get her a Christmas present regardless of what she does with her own money, but it’s the thtoughbthe year beggkng that’s got on my nerves this year. The “DN needs new shoes” statements, hunting. MIL doesn’t ask outright unless it’s birthday or Christmas, she just goes on and on about it so you know you are being targeted

I ignore but I’m getting g to the stage where I’m going to say something. It’s one thing to unwind with s friend, but every weekend and your children need shoes? And then the begging call? It’s not on.

It doesn't matter if MIL thinks you should get these requests rather than your DH, that doesn't mean you have to go along with that.

My MIL tried to make me social secretary when DH and I first got together. I just kept telling her when she could call DH to talk about it. Eventually I asked her if she'd lost DH's number. She got the message then. Just don't engage OP. This is Not Your Problem.

Definitely do not comment on what your SIL does, it's hardly likely that that'll go down well. Just have your DH deal with his own family and keep out of it.

Hinting not hunting!

I would want to say something but agree with PP - it's for your DH. When MIL rings just tell her that DH is sorting out Xmas/birthday presents for her and MIL needs to discuss with him as you don't know his plans yet.
It's bullshit but it's not worth you and MIL getting into an argument about it.

I would preempt the begging by saying how lovely SIL is looking, you saw her out on a night out on Facebook, her new dress really suits her, where did she buy her new shoes they look great, nice to see how well she is doing at the moment etc etc. See if MIL still has the brass neck to beg after that.

I take it MIL isn’t on Facebook?
Maybe the next time you see MIL, say that maybe you fancy some shoes just like these ones here that SIL bought herself recently.

Only, take a while to scroll through all of SILs money-spending posts to eventually find it. Let her see what SILs lifestyle spending priorities really are.

(If you don’t actually want some, eventually remember that maybe you saw them on someone else’s page)

My MiL is a lovely woman, but rather traditional in her thinking, and assumed than when the OH and I got together that I would slip into the role of 'social secretary' (nae f*cking chance).

I just totally ignored the whole shebang until she gave up (it took about two years, as I remember).

In saying that, we don't have kids and I give very few f*cks what anybody else thinks, so it wasn't too hard.

I know it won’t go down well! I think I’d be blocked on Facebook! I just want to tell MIL some home truths about her daughter because it’s a joke.

It’s not just the money, it’s the pretend helplessness and victimnrss. For instance SIL didn’t send her children to school on the right day. MIL rang me up complaining the school had “picked on SIL” by ringing her up and asking where they were! I wanted to say every other parent has managed to go on the website and checked the dates or kept the letter they would have sent out or asked another parent or rung the school or something! But SIL just didn’t bother, whined when she got into trouble, and MIL blamed the school!

Nothing to do with me I know, except mil tells me this stuff so she makes it my business.

Just don't engage! Do you really think you're going to change your MIL's mind about her own daughter?

Does she want it "now" to get double? What with you not wanting to not have something to give her at Christmas.

Can you say, "Oooh we need new wardrobes, too! Can you let SIL know?"