AIBU to put MIL straight?

[WhackyBirds]

I probably am being unreasonable lol! but I’ve had enough of pretending.

MIL is fixated with shoving SIL down everyone’s throats. Poor SIL this, poor SIL that, it’s her main topic of conversation and usually results in an indirect request for something that “poor SIL” needs such as help doing something or an item she can’t afford.

The thing is, poor SIL isn’t “poor” (monetarily or in any other way). She exaggerates to MIL about needing help with stuff because she knows MIL will ring around the family and beg for help. SIL has money. Granted, not a lot, she’s a lone parent and one of her three children’s father’s doesn’t pay her anything (he’s overseas) but enough to go out regularly and drink and eat and shop (the photos are on Facebook). So when we get the “DN needs shoes” calls, it pisses me off. Priorities SIL!

The latest is that SIL needs new bedroom furniture and MIL has asked everyone to give SIL money for Christmas, instead of a gift, to buy the furniture. (SIL is nearly 50 btw! Why MIL is still controlling her gifts I don't know.) she also wants it early. Like now!

Whether we do this or not is not the point. We would only give the same amount as we would spend anyway (about £30). But I really feel like saying to MIL to stop with the begging because SIL has been on Facebook posting pictures of her new shoes and crap and if she stopped buying such stuff she could afford to run her own house.

It’s nothing to do with me though is it?!

(For the record, DH doesn’t get these requests, I do. MIL believes in a matriarchy and expects the women to do the interacting stuff.)

I feel your pain. I have a 'poor sister', who manages to afford several foreign holidays a year and is always buying stuff. Whereas DH and I have to heavily budget everything. Its really irritating.

Spaghettijumper

I don’t think it will change her mind, my reason is to get her to stop telling me this stuff.

YesrOfYou it did cross my mind because when SIL had a milestone birthday and we bought her tickets for a concert a couple of months before , MIL complained on the actual date that SIL was upset she hadn’t got a present from us. Bloody cheek. DH told her she’d had her present and MIL pretended she didn’t know but she knew about it at the time because I told her myself!

If we were to give £ now I’d make sure we wrote in a card to be opened on Christmas Day that we hope she enjoyed her early gift. I told DH this as soon as MIL mentioned it . I got that piece of advice from another thread on Mumsnet once lol!

If you want her to stop telling you stuff, stop listening to her.

They have no shame do they?!

I remember MIL telling me that poor SIL hadn’t had a holiday one year when she had had two the year before, one paid for by some uncle and one by MIL and FIL. DH and I had been students and hadn’t had a holiday for FIVE YEARS . No one gives us stuff!

Spaghettijumper you mean stop answering the phone?

Tell her it's nothing to do with you have a 50 year old budgets.

If that's what it takes, yes. Otherwise just pass her over to DH every time. You are not required to listen to her.

Just smile sympathetically and then cheerfully say “no, that doesn’t suit our budgeting plans”.

If you give the money now she’ll say how unfair it is SIL has nothing under the tree, and you’ll be expected to provide an extra.

I agree that directly saying “of course she can afford it she was doing xyz on fb” is unlikely to lead to family harmony but there are other ways to make your point.

As soon as MIL calls or visits say “how is SIL? Looks likes she had a fun night out/weekend away/shopping trip - I love the bag she bought”.

Get the compliment in before the hinting starts. Your point will be fairly clear.

Enough to drink AND eat? How extravagant of her

Buy her a cushion for her new bedroom!! Cf.

You're going to be the bad guy if you say anything. That's obvious. So don't put yourself in that position. Stop taking your MIL's calls, or practise non-replies to the sob stories: 'Oh, really' 'That's a pity' 'Dearie me' but don't take the bait and ask questions. If she asks directly, say 'I'll have to ask DH', then don't mention it again. If she does, say 'DH said he'd think about it'. If she won't communicate with him, only you, then you can play the game of referring everything to him for a very long time.

Spaghettijumper She rings when DH isn’t in! I do know it’s her (caller ID) and have a feeling she’d just ring and ring though. That’s what she’s done in the past when I’ve had my phone off or left it at home by mistake.

OP start rehearsing your lines. Have responses to her that put it back to DH.

She rings you to say SIL didn't get the kids to school - oh that's a shame. [DH] will be home at 6.00, ring him and tell him. I'm sure he'll be as upset as [SIL].

SIL wants new furniture? Oh perhaps you need to talk to [DH]. He might know someone who can help.

Etc, etc.......

Either she'll stop, or it won't be you who has to deal with her.

Butterymuffin yes perhaps that’s best.

I’m itching to say something though!

well your mil sounds like a wittery pain in the arse but tbh your attitude to your sil sounds snooty and judgmental

"one of her three kids' dads" "enough to eat and drink and shop" etc

are you one of these people who look down on single mums as hedonistic spendthrifts if they don't spend every weekend darning socks by the light of the single gas ring they're cooking their thin gruel on?

it is hard getting by as a single parent, no doubt about it, especially when people look down their noses at you. Still it's better than putting up with the type of gormy fuckwit who is physically incapable of buying presents for his own family unless his wife is there to hold his hand.

not v nice being judged is it?

So answer, speak for a minute and say you'll get the person who's actually related to her to call her back. If she rings and rings tell your DH to get his mother to stop harassing you!

just smile and nod or tune out or don't answer the phone

none of these answers are good enough though are they though hey, because you're just itching to parade those judgy pants down the catwalk

My response would be has SIL tried Facebook marketplace/gumtree/free cycle?
We furnished an entire house for £300 using those sites the only thing new we had was a bed which was on clearance!

I’m another one with a ‘poor SIL’! My poor SIL has no mortgage because her parents bought her a house outright, drives a brand new luxury car, has no DC and has just got back from 3 weeks in Thailand, but MIL likes to tell us just how hard up she is and how difficult everything is for her, and suggest we might want to fly her out to visit us (PIL’s and SIL live in Spain) because ‘she could do with a break and some spoiling’. Apparently things are so hard for her because she is self employed and has to pay a lot of tax.
So no suggestions but sympathy!

Perhaps you can say “you must have misunderstood MIL, she’s just bought new shoes and been out for cocktails so she must be doing alright for cash”.

this

Is her mum not on your sil’s facebook? Surely she’s able to see all the random crap she buys instead of kid’s shoes?

For instance SIL didn’t send her children to school on the right day.

This is a bit odd. The first day of school means that you finally get them out of the house after summer hols. I'm tracking that date starting in June.

Does she supervise their homework, go to parent teacher meetings, etc.?

I’ve got a poor sister who has enough animals to fill the ark, including a horse but can’t afford essential school stuff for the kids.
Luckily with it being my mum going on, rather than a mil, I voice my opinion very loudly. Doesn’t make the slightest difference though and dm is continually shelling out.

So your mil got upset at you not double present buying for your sil. I note your sils age and wonder if perhaps your mil is getting forgetful or is developing dementia or similar. Is that a possibility?

Perhaps your mil gives her a fair chunk of cash and is also being manipulated. You’re a cash cow in any case as far as your sil is concerned. Either your mil is a cash cow too or she’s in collusion with her daughter.

I’d tell her your dh will discuss it with her and say he decides upon the budget. Hide behind him. Just because your mil has decided that women sort out how money is spent in her home, it doesn’t mean you do it in yours. That way you can’t acquiesce to the pressure to give sil more. It doesn’t sound as if she needs the money.

A friend of a friend is terrible with money. She is permanently scrabbling round for cash. Her mother is constantly bailing her out. Yet without fail she walks to the shops to buy a coffee every morning instead of putting the kettle on and eats a lot of takeaways and meals out. She buys a ton of tat, only earns a pittance and lives in a house her mother bought to house her rent free. This woman has wasted her life and hundreds of thousand of pounds. She also has a child and I feel sorry for him. And for her because she is just doing what has always worked. She may be a grown woman but it is the parents, who have created a monster.

Maelstrop She’s a “friend” but how much she goes on I don’t know.

SIL had a big fight with a relative of an ex on there once and MIL never mentioned it (it was up for quite a few hours before SIL deleted the comments) so perhaps she doesn’t look.