AIBU to put MIL straight?

[WhackyBirds]

I probably am being unreasonable lol! but I’ve had enough of pretending.

MIL is fixated with shoving SIL down everyone’s throats. Poor SIL this, poor SIL that, it’s her main topic of conversation and usually results in an indirect request for something that “poor SIL” needs such as help doing something or an item she can’t afford.

The thing is, poor SIL isn’t “poor” (monetarily or in any other way). She exaggerates to MIL about needing help with stuff because she knows MIL will ring around the family and beg for help. SIL has money. Granted, not a lot, she’s a lone parent and one of her three children’s father’s doesn’t pay her anything (he’s overseas) but enough to go out regularly and drink and eat and shop (the photos are on Facebook). So when we get the “DN needs shoes” calls, it pisses me off. Priorities SIL!

The latest is that SIL needs new bedroom furniture and MIL has asked everyone to give SIL money for Christmas, instead of a gift, to buy the furniture. (SIL is nearly 50 btw! Why MIL is still controlling her gifts I don't know.) she also wants it early. Like now!

Whether we do this or not is not the point. We would only give the same amount as we would spend anyway (about £30). But I really feel like saying to MIL to stop with the begging because SIL has been on Facebook posting pictures of her new shoes and crap and if she stopped buying such stuff she could afford to run her own house.

It’s nothing to do with me though is it?!

(For the record, DH doesn’t get these requests, I do. MIL believes in a matriarchy and expects the women to do the interacting stuff.)

Oh I think I’d be tempted to lay it on thick

Oh poor sil, does she know Christmas Day is a Tuesday this year, you’re so good MIL giving her the money to go out - so good if you. I see she had a lively new dress but she deserves it I bet she’s so grateful

MissConductUS I don’t know. I presume I’d hear more “school’s picking on SIL” if she didn’t monitor homework etc.

*Mummyoflittledragon” I am sure MIL created the entitlement. MIL told me SIL cried when MIL said she was thinking of retiring and my first thought was why, because they'll be fewer handouts?!

I’m feeling better after venting her. Thanks all. I knew I shouldn’t say anything but it just gets me steamed up! I’m sick of hearing about it. We can’t afford loads of stuff we want but we just save up and get on with it.

OP, i've only read half the thread, but stop engaging with this nonsense. i'm not sure why you're so focused on how to manage this - the answer is simple. it's not your problem to manage - this is down to your DH to manage, and he seems to have a perfectly fine strategy for handling it.

Why aren't you just stepping away and letting your DH (who sounds capable) deal with it? Why make it your problem? i don't understand.

genivert I know you’re right. It’s habit I guess, started out trying to be friendly and then polite and now it will seem rude if I just stop answering the phone to her.

Next time you are with your MIL why not make a point of counting the times she says 'poor' (or equivalent word) about your sister in law, then say to her, "Do you know you've mentioned that xxx times? I don't think she would like her business talked about in that way". Might shut her up, it's possible she gets on a roll and doesn't realise how she comes across.

Also wouldn't be a bad idea to tactfully mention it to sister in law.

Just because mil thinks it's up to the women doesn't mean dh can't approach his mother himself! And tell her to quit with whingey, begging communications asking for help for a grown arse adult MOTHER who clearly DOESN'T need the help sil and mil claim!

I'm Nc with my sister now (for many reasons but this type of thing part of it) but she's also single mum in her 40's (are you married to my bro?) and parents constantly bailing her out - yet she and kids in lovely clothes, regular holidays and days & nights out etc. It's ridiculous!

"I would preempt the begging by saying how lovely SIL is looking, you saw her out on a night out on Facebook, her new dress really suits her, where did she buy her new shoes they look great, nice to see how well she is doing at the moment etc etc. See if MIL still has the brass neck to beg after that." Love the idea of this approach! She would indeed need SOME brass neck to still beg after that!

Are you and dh much better off than sil according to mil? Not that it makes her behaviour in anyway acceptable but wondered if there's a perception issue.

The "everyone picks on her" mentality is also very familiar - nothing is EVER my sisters fault, not when the kids are late for school, not when she's late picking them up from childcare, not when her landlord is ready to evict her cos she always pays the rent late, not when she's overdrawn when she's overspent , not when the dr tells her off for not maintaining the regime one of her children needs for a health condition... Nope always everyone else's fault!

"Does she want it "now" to get double? What with you not wanting to not have something to give her at Christmas." Quite possibly spot on!

I don't see this as op bashing single mums at all! I'm also a single mum, but there's a certain type of adult (male and female) that is infantilised and spoilt by their parents so that essentially they don't mature into responsible adults.

My mother is retired and in her 70's now and she's worried sick about my sister managing when her and dad are no longer here to bail her out - because she knows neither myself nor my brother can or would bail her out. But the thing is she will manage just fine! Cos she'll find some other mug to do it! Or at a push she'll actually become responsible! But only if she's desperate!

again, i'm confused, you don't need to stop answering her calls, simply refer her to DH any time she brings this stuff up in future. move on with the conversation. unless she has nothing else to talk to you about (which will become very obvious very quickly, if that's the case), just keep referring her to your DH - "you'll have to speak to your son about this. so what have you been up to today?"...

Graphista we are well off compared, I think that is part of it but I know MIL “asks” (hints to) other people in the family as well. Perhaps they are well off also. I don’t know and have never thought about it.

Even if you are well off in comparison that's neither your fault nor an explanation for her behaviour.

I'm on benefits and wouldn't dream of behaving in such a way.

I have a "poor SIL" too. There seems to be a lot of it about.

Mine has virtually no outgoings because PIL bought her a house and pay her bills, petrol, everything she needs for her DC but she still manages to get herself into trouble with money. I do find it difficult to bite my tongue when MIL is all "poor X, she never has any luck" and I've seen her on social media enjoying holidays, spa days, nights out, shopping trips etc. but I don't see the point in getting into a discussion about it as they're never going to change. I just change the subject when PIL bring it up.

Tell MIL that DH is buying for his side of the family and she needs to talk to him instead. That's how it works in our house.

My MIL tried to make me social secretary when DH and I first got together*

Oh yes, I recall my MIL giving me a list of his family's birthdays, she was quite taken aback when I handed it to him. She used to buy all the cards at the start of the year, get him to write his name in them then she would send them out at the appropriate time!

I'd be saying: That's worrying (head tilt) , no money for shoes but £ for holidays. Again. I think SIL would benefit more from some help re budgeting. What do you think? She'll either back down or stop asking.

Just get your husband to deal with her, if she rings then just pass the phone straight onto him etc.
Also if your together and she starts banging on about SIL, just nod and then change the subject and keep doing this she will soon get the message.

Graphista nc with your sister but still in contact with your Ps? How does that work if you don’t mind me asking?

tilly MIL still buys SIL’s cards and presents to send to people! She once let slip that it would make SIL look bad as DH and the other sister remember aunts and uncles etc. When we say to SIL at Christmas “thanks for the x” she says “the what?” because she has no idea what has been sent in her name! I think MIL must tell her but she just forgets.

I wouldn’t give presents to adults with children. But I would give presents to adults without children.

Madambutterface, I don’t think OP is looking down on SiL at all. Looks to me that she’s fed up of hearing about how skint she is but can afford to go out, but new stuff etc.
Hit a cord with you though?!!

Simple - I don't speak to or see nor wish to hear about my sister. I have made this clear to my parents. Sometimes out of frustration/worry (at her) they tell me the latest drama, but I soon remind them I'm not interested and we change the subject. She doesn't live with them (at the moment) and I don't go to theirs often anyway (currently housebound agoraphobic, but when not housebound I don't go to theirs often anyway as I don't drive and they're in the sticks). Sister lives in same area, but we don't frequent the same places or have people in common. It is the 3rd time I've chosen to be nc and yes, on previous occasions mum did lay on the guilt trips and persuade me to get back in touch, but this time mum witnessed my "last straw" moment plus knew the lead up and while she has chosen to stay in touch she appreciates my sisters behaviour on this occasion was unforgivable and that in addition to everything else, enough's enough! Plus I think I was much clearer this time that I wouldn't countenance any more guilt tripping or persuasion.

Not a close family anyway, deeply dysfunctional.

I recognised the type though. And can understand the frustration.

You do know that you can let what your MiL and indirectly your SiL say about presents go in one ear and out the other - "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave" (best line from Madagascar imo).

Then, when the time comes to get a present for SiL you could get her a charity present like goats or schoolbooks or whatever you want to the value of how much you would spend on her. You can still get her kids the presents they would like and you can still get the capable SiL a gift that you want to get her.

I'd give her the money now, £30 in a Xmas card which are sadly available, and then nothing at Xmas. It makes the point that you are not a walkover without actually being the bitch. She is clearly going to expect a Xmas gift too and when MIL inevitably has a go you can say "But we gave it to her in October when you said she needed it!" and there is nothing that either of them can come back with.

“Hit a cord with you though?!!”

No love, my kids are immaculate and i have everything i need, i’m probably one of those single mums all yall still stuck with your useless men secretly envy the shit out of tbh 💁🏻‍♀️

It's chord, as in the musical chord. Not an umbilical one.

I have a 'poor BIL' who can do no wrong.

No love, my kids are immaculate and i have everything i need, i’m probably one of those single mums all yall still stuck with your useless men secretly envy the shit out of tbh

😂

Maybe you should try pleading poverty to MIL every time she starts about SIL, OP.

Sort of "Oh dear, it must be really hard for her. We're struggling atm, the boiler needs a service, the car tyres are almost illegal, X has outgrown his school shoes already and everything's going up so fast that the money doesn't seem to go anywhere these days. Have you seen the price of butter? We may have to cancel Christmas!" (tinkly laugh).

MIL might start giving you handouts too.