AIBU to put MIL straight?

[WhackyBirds]

I probably am being unreasonable lol! but I’ve had enough of pretending.

MIL is fixated with shoving SIL down everyone’s throats. Poor SIL this, poor SIL that, it’s her main topic of conversation and usually results in an indirect request for something that “poor SIL” needs such as help doing something or an item she can’t afford.

The thing is, poor SIL isn’t “poor” (monetarily or in any other way). She exaggerates to MIL about needing help with stuff because she knows MIL will ring around the family and beg for help. SIL has money. Granted, not a lot, she’s a lone parent and one of her three children’s father’s doesn’t pay her anything (he’s overseas) but enough to go out regularly and drink and eat and shop (the photos are on Facebook). So when we get the “DN needs shoes” calls, it pisses me off. Priorities SIL!

The latest is that SIL needs new bedroom furniture and MIL has asked everyone to give SIL money for Christmas, instead of a gift, to buy the furniture. (SIL is nearly 50 btw! Why MIL is still controlling her gifts I don't know.) she also wants it early. Like now!

Whether we do this or not is not the point. We would only give the same amount as we would spend anyway (about £30). But I really feel like saying to MIL to stop with the begging because SIL has been on Facebook posting pictures of her new shoes and crap and if she stopped buying such stuff she could afford to run her own house.

It’s nothing to do with me though is it?!

(For the record, DH doesn’t get these requests, I do. MIL believes in a matriarchy and expects the women to do the interacting stuff.)

Ignore her requests. Is MIL carrying some weird guilt about SIL or something?

Get the SIL some nice shoes from a charity shop.

LakieLady 😀 I did similar when MIL got a computer. She was ringing me (again, not DH) at all hours wanting tech support so I pleaded ignorance. Her little dig, “Well her next door knows how to do it” was a joy to hear as I simply told her to ask her instead!

dwab You may be into something re the guilt but I have no idea what over. DH and sensibleSIL have both done well in life, this SIL hasn’t but I always thought that it was because MIL babied her rather than she was babied for a reason...

Teacher22 You know it’s funny, I buy from charity shops sometimes, can’t resist a bargain, but MIL finds it shocking! She was even annoyed with FIL for buying books from a charity shop! It’s a pride thing I think as she said that if people saw FIL in there they would think they had no money.

OP, the best thing I can say is don’t engage with MIL when she is going on. Any requests for cash have to go through your DH and I would tell him he needs to tell his mother to stop going on about his sister to you as she clearly isn’t in such a fix as her FB posts regularly show.

Let him have the argument or dispute as it’s his family who are causing the trouble. I’d also not be answering every time MIL calls. She’s only going on at you because you let her.

Take dn out at Christmas and spend the £30 on shoes for her.

You need to disengage. I did, best thing I ever did.

I wouldn't give it to her early! It's a Christmas present!! Give her cash in a card at Christmas. Ignore every other call from your MIL to give yourself a break from her.

Well I’m the odd one out because I would say something. Probably wouldn’t do me any good but I’d feel better and mil might get the hint and stop talking to me about it.

Though I might give dh the chance to say something first but warn him if he didn’t then I would!

This reminds me of my matriarchal mil. She says ‘sil isn’t doing presents this Christmas because she’s very tight on money and is struggling’. Sil has two houses, goes on two or three holidays a year and has designer clothes and handbags. I could go on!
If I were you I’d just give her money and quietly feel annoyed about it. That would be me anyway.

Tell them all you're doing Xmas presents for children only from now on. Explain to nice SIL and continue giving her nice presents for her birthday. Block your MIL's phone number.

This reminds me of my ex MIL, women ran the house and kept the men in order, really don't miss the constant nagging and bitching from her! We lived 4 doors away and ex was round there every day telling her everything, complete nightmare. His new wife was strong enough to stand up to her and ex behaves himself now.

Personally I would start answering the phone less and less often until she gets the message. My husband and I haven’t had a holiday. Ever. My husband hasn’t even got a passport. My children haven’t got passports and have never been on holiday even though my brother his wife and their children live in another country and I would very much like to be able to afford to visit them. However only being able to take holidays during term times means it’s unaffordable for us. However we do not beg for money from others or pull sob stories. We manage our money, pay our bills and make sure our kids have clothes and shoes and uniforms etc. It means we rarely eat out, we don’t have holidays, we don’t buy ourselves new clothes and shoes unless absolutely needed, no nights out and no shopping trips with my friends unless it’s window shopping only. We are adults. We don’t have lots of money, many people are struggling right now but we spend our money based on need not want. I want a holiday and I wanted a shiny pair of faith heels I saw the other day but I don’t need them. We do need to pay rent and feed our children a reasonably healthy and balanced diet and we do need to buy my son new school trousers as his got torn when he fell off of the school climbing frame. By 50 your SIL should have learned this life lesson. If she hasn’t that isn’t your problem. If Christmas money is brought up again then I would say you can certainly give money in card instead of a gift but you won’t be able to do it early I’m afraid as you haven’t even started Christmas shopping yet. But as others have said I would ignore and not engage with her and hopefully she will get the message eventually. It’ll take some time and commitment from you but she will eventually give up.

We only buy Christmas pressies for the kids in the family but we (2 sisters and I) all buy for my brother because he’s single and doesn’t have children. My brother just buys for the kids too. Maybe that could be a solution going forward so that you can still buy for your childless, nice SIL but only the kids of ‘poor’ sil. I guess some mums always see their children through rose coloured glasses and your mil is worried about her single parent daughter, who is manipulating her a bit probably. I think it’s ok for sil to treat herself and have a life but not at the expense of her kids going without and then begging to family. Needs to grow up a bit I think!!

I’m afraid I’d give it to MIL straight. I wouldn’t be able to keep my trap shut

Just say you are considering only buying for kids at Christmas. It sounds ridiculous giving money to an almost 50 year old SIL and aunts etc etc. No wonder people get into debt at Christmas. Say that will help SIL as well as she won't need to buy you and your DH stuff. If you don't want to do that just use my stock phrase which is I refuse to talk or even think about Christmas when we are barely in October. As for giving money to her early - jog on.

Thanks all. I must say reading “it’s ridiculous giving money to an almost 50 year old” brings it home. It is ridiculous.

We are going to do the “children only” presents after this year. Will continue to buy for sensibleSIL.

Will tell MIL and SIL (shouldn’t have to triangulate and say anything to MIL but she has firmly wedged herself in between SIL and the family) that SIL doesn’t need to get us presents as she’s struggling. Thing is, she doesn’t! MIL gets them and pretends they are from SIL! But whatever. MIL can give that money to SIL instead if she wishes.

In fact might even do it this year.

To those who buy for children only, what do you do when the “child” is an adult? SIL had one child very young, she is in her 20s. I’m presuming “children” means the generation rather than the age, if you see what I mean.

I don’t necessarily think it’s a generation thing otherwise you could still be buying for them when they’re 40. You need to agree an age 18/21 or maybe decide that by the time they’re in full time work you’ll stop ( maybe?? Might be divisive among university / non university goers)

SpiritedLondon Thanks. If the “child” was independent (she has left SIL’s home, moved in with her bf) it would be different but MIL still buys the gifts that she pretends are from SILand puts all the children’s names on. We do t even get a card independently from her d do though she’s an adult.

And I’ve just realised that MIL is doing the same to her and her siblings that she’s done to SIL. Basically running their lives.

Perhaps I’m being old fashioned and a bit sexist so apologises in advance, but men are generally pretty useless (sorry any men on here) when it comes to birthdays etc and they often make the most of this perception. I remind my other half of his families birthdays etc all the time and then one of us will buy the present. If you marry someone then their family is your family and I think it looks bad on you as a couple, and unfortunately mainly the woman, if birthdays are missed because the first thing the family members will think is ‘he’s married so why didn’t his wife do it?’Single men can get away with it but not married men. I know it doesn’t sound very 21st century or PC but it’s true. I don’t mind making sure my in -laws get presents because I like them and would feel bad otherwise. Parent-in laws do a lot to help us with childcare etc so the least I can do is thank them on their birthdays. My other half would just forget every time. So I don’t personally see anything wrong with women managing presents etc but this isn’t just about that. It’s about a woman who needs to grow up and a mother who controls everything to stop her child from growing up. I don’t think they will ever change so you need to let it go over your head and as you’ve esaid, change present buying rules going forward to eliminate issues in future.

Sb74 you may be right that the woman is the one ‘blamed’ for lack of cards/gifts etc. However as that is complete sexist bullshit I refuse to say ‘ooh I’d better do it all so they don’t think badly of me’. I challenge the assumption that card buying and present buying is ‘wife work’ instead. Otherwise women will be taking on this role for all eternity.
Anyway, DH mainly buys the presents for his family. Sometimes if I see something I think they’ll particularly like, I’ll buy it. He does the same with my family.

Maybe those men are bad because they have mothers and wives like the op’s mIL SB74!

Well think what you like but I think life is too short to make a big fuss over who buys the presents. As long as peace is maintained I don’t see it as a big deal. It’s not worth causing any upset with the family. A married couple is a partnership and you should help each other. The world has gone a bit mad. All for women being equal but I don’t think we need to ram it down peoples’ throats constantly. Helping your husband remember family birthdays is hardly damaging to womens’ rights. My hubby can do things I cant or wouldn’t want to and that’s fine. We all know women are better at this stuff than men?? In general. There are exceptions of course.

The point of men and women to me is that we complement each other. Yes women should have equal opportunities and be treated fairly etc but there are fundamental differences generally between men and women and the way we are wired and these should be celebrated and embraced in my opinion. But people are doing everything they can nowadays to close the gap on the sexes. This is a different issue and going off subject. I just don’t see what is wrong with the world acknowledging that there are certain things the different sexes are stronger in. I know there are exceptions, we are all individuals and have our own strengths and weaknesses but on the whole woman are programmed to nurture and are more thoughtful than men. We can argue until we are blue in the face about sexism but that is the reality. Like any partnership, people pull on their strengths.

It’s not about ramming it down anyone’s throat . If no one object to things, that will remain the status quo forever more. Fine if you’re happy with that, but that doesn’t mean that I, or the OP, have to be.
I am no better at buying presents than DH. I wasn’t born with the skill, because I am a woman. Just as he isn’t better at putting the bins out than me.